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Do You Make This Classic Relationship Mistake?

427 comments

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Every week, I get asked some variation of the following question:

“I know I shouldn’t have, but I looked through my girlfriend’s cell phone. She’s talking to her ex. How do I confront her about it without looking like the bad guy?”

As someone that’s lived through this scenario, I’ll start out by saying that you’re missing the point.

You looked in the cell phone for a reason, right? Perhaps your girlfriend suddenly added a password to her phone. Perhaps she’s been spending time with friends more often, or is being secretive and vague when you ask her questions. You know something’s off, but you can’t quite put your finger on it. So what do you do?

You look for proof.

Your girlfriend goes to the bathroom, your eyes laser beam over to her cell phone, and before you know it, you’re scrolling through her text messages, looking for a reason you feel a knife twisting in your gut every time she says she’s going out with friends.

Well this same theme plays out in many different ways in relationships. Maybe you don’t check her phone, but you look through her emails instead. Maybe you feel sick to your stomach every time she goes out and you don’t know where she is. Maybe you’ve even gone as far as following her to work and spying on her.

The bottom line is that you don’t trust her. But more importantly, you don’t trust YOU! Something’s up and you can feel it in your gut.

Don’t ignore that feeling. Trust your gut.

It’s not about whether or not you found someone in your partner’s phone. It’s about trust. You must be able to trust your partner, and you must be able to trust yourself.

So for all of you considering checking your partner’s phone that haven’t yet pulled the trigger: Don’t do it.

Stop trying to control the situation and start taking responsibility for what you can control: YOU. Why do you need proof that cheating is occurring to acknowledge that you don’t feel safe in the relationship?

Speak up, confront the issue head on, and have a conversation about it.

For all of you that have already checked the cell phone, and that stumbled upon some suspicious text messages or phone calls, I gently say to you wake up.

I’m not saying to approach your partner with boxing gloves on, ready to fight. But I am saying that if it looks like a duck, and quacks like a duck: It’s probably a duck.

If you’ve checked the phone and there’s nothing there, this is still your issue. What really prompted your concern? Was it an old wound? Self-worth issues? Fear?

Be honest. Go and have a real conversation about that twisting feeling in your gut. Figure out what’s really going on, and if that twisting feeling won’t go away do not ignore it.

Trust yourself to make the right decision. Trust your gut.

Have you ever checked your partner’s cell phone? What did you find? Share your story below.

Also, check out this post to help answer the question “how do I overcome insecurity in my relationship?

Photo Credit: Ed Yourdon via Flickr

{ 427 comments… read them below or add one }

Dan January 25, 2013 at 1:50 pm

You make some amazing points here.

There are so many times in my life where I haven’t felt safe in a relationship (not necessarily romantic) & have just resigned to being a victim of those feelings & reacting to them instead of facing them head on.

It’s almost easier to find out somebody is lying to you or abusing your trust in some other way, because severing the tie becomes easier when you are angry.

I try every day to face things head on like you suggested here, & it has worked wonders in my personal life!

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Victoria Gigante January 25, 2013 at 5:51 pm

Dan: It’s awesome that you’re starting to face things head on in your life. The more you do this, the easier it will become. At the end of the day, your ability to do this all boils down to self-trust & self-worth. Once you realize that the way you feel about a situation is enough of a reason to change it, you start to take more rapid & honest action!

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Mark September 9, 2014 at 9:30 am

Where do I stand with privacy laws if I caught my spouse sending pornographic photos of herself? Can they be used as evidence in court?

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Victoria Gigante September 13, 2014 at 10:03 am

Mark,

I’m curious: What do you hope to gain by going to court with your spouse? I’m not sure about the laws surrounding pornographic photos.

Good luck.

Sending Peace & Calm,
Victoria

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Cam January 25, 2013 at 8:57 pm

Great post Victoria! I love the point of speaking up and being honest about it. I remember last year when my girlfriend told me her ex-boyfriend got hired at her workplace, I initially felt a bit uneasy and I was worried I may be jealous later, so I told her upfront that I was ok with it (not that it needed my approval or anything) but I’ve had jealousy issues in the past and wanted to just be upfront with her about my history so we could have open communication about it. It was scary to be honest and vulnerable but it made me feel a lot more at ease about the situation and things never became a problem.

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Victoria Gigante January 26, 2013 at 6:40 pm

Awesome Cam. Yes, it can definitely be scary opening up and allowing ourselves to be vulnerable, but in the end it’s always worth it. By being open and honest, you gave your ex-girlfriend the opportunity to approach the situation with more awareness. When we are in a positive, healthy relationship, this is a good thing! Not being honest would’ve most likely just led to a cycle of negative behaviors (i.e. you checking her cell phone, etc.)

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Michael Monaco January 25, 2013 at 10:43 pm

I don’t know, Wouldn’t checking the phone and other media for suspicious activity be following your gut. If you confront or lead on to believing that something bad might be happening, then your likely to make that person protect or destroy the evidence now that they know that you know something. I don’t think they are likely to just throw there hands up and say oh you got me. If you have a gut feeling do what you can to gather the info you need to make a decisions you can feel comfortable with to move on. If you have that feeling and you can’t find anything then maybe have the talk. But don’t let on that you suspect something because you may be right but never find any evidence.

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Victoria Gigante January 26, 2013 at 6:34 pm

Hi Mike. The point is that you don’t need evidence. The way you feel is evidence enough that something is off. Why would you want to be in a relationship that leads to you feeling like you want to snoop around and gather evidence? If your gut is telling you there is something to snoop for, then that is all you need to confront your partner. Let’s say your partner claims that nothing is going on: If you’ve had an open and honest conversation about your concerns, now they can be sensitive to your needs and be more transparent. If they just get angry and defensive, that’s cause for concern. The bottom line is that if you approach them from a place of open honesty, you’ll be able to determine a lot based on their reaction. Trust your gut.

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Dave January 27, 2014 at 8:19 am

Mike has right,Victoria.If you confront her without evidence she won’t be silly telling the truth ,IF,is a guy in her life which she has some certain feelings for him.She will keep you in stand-by until she will realize which feelings are more stronger.She’s comparing both.You’ll became a step-stone for her.A back up! She won’t leave a branch till she’ll not grab another one.Everyone trusting in their guts,but if you cannot prove nothing,even if is true,you cannot win in front of her.How they’re sayin: is not what you sayin is what you can prove.Without proving,you will live in one endless dilemma.A woman when she in a balance of choosing,ALWAYS,she’s taking advices from her best friend.Another woman.She will help her to decide.You know,Victoria,just tell us,for the man: How’s for a woman which has a relationship with two man? How she can embracing,kissing,making love and sleeping next to her man,when in the meanwhile she has someone else in her life? Can you tell us,to men? Why she doesn’t,just stop the relation with her man and going to her second prince charming.

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Victoria Gigante January 28, 2014 at 10:31 am

Dave,

When confronting a situation like this, it isn’t about having PROOF. It’s about addressing the root cause of what’s really going on – rather than focusing on the symptoms. What I mean here is that if you feel inclined to look in your partners phone, you’re obviously feeling insecure about the relationship. NO PROOF IS NEEDED to address THIS issue. In fact, if you DO decide to look in the phone, now you’re adding in violations of trust, anger, guilt and a slew of other emotions that only add to the complexity of the situation.

You have some very strong, very limiting beliefs about woman – and it’s obvious you are angry. I encourage you to look at these beliefs in greater depth before entering into any future relationships.

Sending Peace & Calm,
Victoria

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ora February 21, 2014 at 3:28 pm

What about marriage. There cant be secrets and marriage. There cant be password nor anything hidden in marriage. When you decide to marry someone and go before God and confirm the vows before God , what makes you think you can play with others peoples lives. Why do you need passwords or code what are you hiding? Its sad to hear people talk about marriage (relationship) and say its about trust. I personally believe that you should be an open book and the day you decide to cheat or hide things from the person you say you love you become worth anything. Grow up people look up at God and do was right. You only hurting yourself .. if your spouse gives you a reason to check emails, text, phone calls. Do so . Because it just prove that your feelings were on the dot. Doesn’t have to do with trust . Trust is something you earn. Respect if something you give.

Kyle b March 26, 2014 at 6:39 am

I’m sorry but I strongly disagree… Your acting as if men don’t have emotions… Let’s say I’ve been acting weird and she gets a guy feeling, she’s gonna probably confront me and immediately start crying as if I really was doing something (only thing is my girl knows my password and I’d never do anything to hurt her) and the same goes for guys, you really think we can go about this calmly? Like honestly… I’m on this page not because I want to check my girls phone, but because even though she always tells me she loves me and I’m the only one, and she stopped partying and drinking for me, but still I don’t like her guy friends and idk how to tell her that, one of them is a complete douche and flirts with her but she’s blind too it and I’d rather not kick the dudes ass… What should I do… (Last time I said something about one of her guy friends she got pissed at me) he was also flirting…

Cross October 8, 2014 at 3:55 pm

The previous comment shows you are a feminist. Your comments reflect the belief of a feminist utopia that does not exist. I am not an “evil” male, but if you take any type of sociology or history class it will show a dependence from a female for a male to provide. So the above poster is asking, how can she do this to me when I provide for her, yet go and sleep with another man. He does not have any limiting beliefs, he has his life experiences and understanding of the society he lives in to base his thoughts. Does it come off a little harsh? Yes of course. But you have to come to terms with reality,

Kurtis February 26, 2014 at 4:35 pm

Hi Victoria, you seem to have a grasp on things about relationships. Could you claify to me if I should be worried or not about this? I am 19 and started dating my girlfriend 3 years ago, then we took a year off because I broke up with her because I got drunk and slept with somebody else and I just couldn’t do that to her. However then i started texting her around this time last year and asked her to be my girlfriend about 11 months ago. Over that year we were not dating, she dated a previous boyfriend of hers. She told me upfront that she would still talk to him and I am fine with that, but here is my question: she recently got a new phone, and when we are beside each other and she is texting she always has her phone turne away from me. I do not try to read her texts nor do I believe that is right, but I have noticed that she does not have the name at the top of the screen just the persons number. But she is always doing it so why wouldn’t she put the name down? Also, when she is texting her girlfriends she does not hide the screen from me.
I feel like I trust her with my life, but it just worries me that she seems to be hiding things from me, do you have any ideas as to how I should ask her why she does this?

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Victoria Gigante February 26, 2014 at 10:26 pm

Hi Kurtis,

Thank you for sharing a bit about your story.

Sometimes when we are overwhelmed by a situation, we find it difficult to articulate what we’re trying to say. Here’s the thing though: If you read what you wrote – you articulated this situation beautifully. You don’t need to ask me how to confront her about this – simply speak from your heart like you did when you wrote to me. Avoid accusations. Come from a place of love. Make eye contact. Speak calmly.

Sending peace + calm,
Victoria

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endrick December 12, 2014 at 8:30 pm

i don’t know about your love experience, but lets take an example of cheating. your partner will do anything to hide you that s/he is cheating on you. so you cant just say “hey last night, you came late i think you are cheating” s/he will come up with an explanation(probably, came up with explanation to the situation before you even ask). Then, you will have to agree or disagree, if you disagree you will be the one to blame because obviously you accused her/him for something she didn’t do. but think about gathering some information before say anything, and then starts asking simple questions followed with your facts and proofs. I’m not saying to be a CIA agent, i’m just saying to gather some information and tell her to explain. i know this is not a good way, because you may misread the information, s/he may act more wisely next time, or you may find nothing. For me, with my gf who we have been together for almost 4 years now, this has worked for us, i told her what i know about the situation and she will explain everything, if she believes something is not right she say it to me, and if she have some proofs she give them to me. it is not a big deal she read my emails, texts,etc. i do the same. and trust me because we don’t hide to each other, i feel like i don’t need to investigate. the last time i went to her email was last year 2013. i don’t know about her tho if she read my email everyday or not.

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laurie March 24, 2013 at 3:07 pm

While I am not going to beat myself up over doing so, I had a gut feeling about my partner’s fidelity. We had been having serious problems. Problems that I raised about our compatibility and that he could not address by compromising. In the the months leading to the end, I did my best to ignore my feelings that we weren’t right together and kept looking for signs that we could work our differences out. But then I was ill and had to do a lot of traveling. I was angry and distant. And I noticed he, too was distancing. When we finally reconnected, we were intimate but didn’t talk about our issues. The morning after, when he was showering, I sought–and found– confirmation of my suspicions that he had already checked out emotionally and started sexting w/his ex. So I planned my escape, which I had wanted to do prior to this discovery — and waited a few days until I could collect my belongings, say good-bye to his kids, bring his stuff over, to tell him it was over –not because of the dishonesty (which I only revealed to him at the end), but because of the earnest feelings I had had and the hopes I had had, but in the end it could not work. Again, I am not going to beat myself up for having invaded his privacy, but I learned that it wasn’t necessary. I knew enough to end it without having taken that final step. Thank you for clarifying why that’s the case.

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Victoria Gigante March 25, 2013 at 11:59 pm

Thank you for sharing, Laurie. What you’ve written about here is exactly what I’m talking about. Yes, don’t beat yourself up over how things played out in your previous relationship. Do use it as evidence that your gut instincts and emotions are not only valid, but that they are also spot on. I hope that you’re learning to trust yourself more, and to listen to those little warning signs rising up inside of you. They are trying to tell you something. You owe it to yourself to listen! -Victoria

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Bob January 14, 2014 at 10:54 pm

You and your gut are full of crap, what are you some kind of homewrecker? You sound like the typical person that’s been dog out in a relationship because you don’t know how to address and resolve issues. Now you have a complex, so you advise everyone to run before you get hurt. Versus identify the real issue, gain clear understanding of why it occurred, asses the damage (mostly emotional), develope avenues to improve your relationship, implement and see what happens. If you love someone and are vested it’s at least worth a try. Gut feelings are for Vegas, not humans.

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Victoria Gigante January 15, 2014 at 8:35 am

Bob,

Thank you for your comment. Beyond the personal attacks (which clearly show your ability to communicate in both a mature and constructive manner), I actually agree with some of what you’ve written here.

No, I do not advise people to “run before you get hurt.” Actually, it’s quite the opposite. I’m telling people that when their GUT is screaming that something is up – they don’t need to violate the trust in the relationship by rummaging through the other person’s phone. INSTEAD they should “identify the real issue” of why that gut feeling is there in the first place. Through an open and honest conversation, and MATURE AND CONSTRUCTIVE communication, the couple can “gain a clear understanding” of what’s really going on, and start to “develop avenues to improve the relationship.”

I agree: “If you love someone and are vested, it’s at least worth a try.”

In addition, if you love someone, you respect them enough to NOT violate their trust, and to have an OPEN and HONEST conversation about how you feel FIRST. This applies to both the person that is thinking about hiding other love-interests in their phone, as well as the person thinking about checking the phone based on a gut feeling.

Sending You Peace & Calm,
Victoria

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keith April 11, 2014 at 6:56 am

Actually if your gut is telling you something is up there could be many reasons. And you could be totally off and wrong. So don’t JUST follow your gut ..When your gut yells somethings up investigate . Find the proof and if it’s there get out of the relationship .
My story…my girl of 10 years. I adopted her son gave her everything she ever wanted had another son with her. Then she started abusing drugs .
I asked her to go sober up and start being a good mother instead she played a game with me then when I absolutely knew something was up ie…she hadn’t talked to our kids once in 4 months you bet your behind I checked her phone. And my gut was right . She started cheating when she was supposed to be repairing ..until I had proof I couldn’t walk away because I had 10 years and 2 children invested. So I got the proof from the phone and booted her ass for good. The proof was the only way I was gonna be able to cut ties . I couldn’t JUST go on gut …I don’t see anything wrong with getting the proof you need to move on. It’s been 7 months now and she’s in a rehab and wants to come home. NOW IS MY TIME to follow my gut and not get back into it

endrick December 12, 2014 at 8:34 pm

no you did the right thing to look for evidence, because after leaving the blame would have been on you as you are not sure. Your guts may be true or not, its your time to know

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Victoria Gigante December 31, 2014 at 7:14 am

Endrick,

Thank you for your thoughts. The point, however, is that a conversation is a much more powerful place to start. If you truly feel the need for proof there is obviously already a trust issue. But you could ASK your partner to show you there phone and avoid violating THEIR trust by sneaking behind their back. Make sense?

Peace & Love,
Victoria

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Rob Musial May 7, 2013 at 1:55 pm

I agree with you about following your gut, but I also think that it could be a sign of your own issues that need to be worked on. What if the person has some serious insecurity issues that are causing the mistrust? If you feel the need to check on someone’s phone, then yes, there is a trust issue, but is it because the other person can’t be trusted or is it because you don’t know how to trust? Both are very serious issues that need to be discussed because without trust, a relationship is doomed.

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Victoria Gigante May 7, 2013 at 2:36 pm

Rob: Excellent point. Yes, insecurity in any form can destroy a relationship, as can a lack of trust. Usually those that don’t “trust their gut” are those that are insecure, so the issue really does get complicated, and can get muddled very quickly. The point is that SOMETHING is off. And as you mentioned, these issues need to be discussed. Left unaddressed, the relationship is usually, as you say, “doomed.” Thank you for sharing your thoughts! – Victoria

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dan June 16, 2013 at 9:45 pm

i listened to what my grilfriend was saying and she basically told on herself without actully saying she was lookin through my phone. she mentioned two days in a row about a particular night. i knew she had been looking the first time she said something. the second time she asked what r u doing tonight? i thouht about it and said “you already know” im going to dinner w my friend mike and i asked why did you look through my phone. her response was why dint you tell me u were? i said cuz i knew you have been looking through my phone. i feel like i cant trust her now and wonder if she is up to something with someone else. we had an issue a year ago w hey friend texting her in the middle of the night and i wanted it to stop and she stopped it and said i dont need to be friends with him anymore. so i didnt worry about it and felt like i could trust her but no i feel differently.

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Victoria Gigante June 17, 2013 at 12:38 pm

Dan: Thank you for sharing. It sounds like you are going through a difficult time right now. Clearly there are some trust issues in your relationship. The question is: How are you going to handle this situation moving forward? You have options (i.e. counseling, taking space, etc.). Trust your gut. Are you both truly happy with each other? What’s at the root cause of all of this turmoil? These are tough questions to consider, but essential to your movement forward. -Victoria

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Chris June 27, 2013 at 5:06 pm

I hear about trusting your gut a lot. For me to go into detail about my situation, it would be a novel, or saga, whichever way you would look at it. My girlfriend and I started off as friends and talked at length on a daily basis. There was an interest there but neither of our situations allowed it, in part because we lived several states away from each other. We had known each other for around 15 or 16 years but back then were nothing more than acquaintances. As time went on our interest in each other grew and we spoke of moving closer to each other. She has been going through a lot with a sociopathic ex(husband) as well as some serious health issues. I have always been an ear for her and had a shoulder for her to cry on if she needed. I still do both. We had not seen each other in person until after 4 months of talking over the phone several hours a day. During this time she had been talking about her ex almost incessantly and truthfully, it was beginning to drive me away some. She spoke of him so much so that I chose to go out on a date with another woman. It didn’t take me long to ascertain what this one wanted and I chose not to pursue it further. What makes that so bad is that the last time the other woman and I went out on a date was a few days before the woman who became my girlfriend came for our first time together, face to face. I would still get texts from the other while my girlfriend was there. I did not want to crush her by being cold and it took me a few days of this to understand I could not mince words. All of it was weighing heavily on me and I talked to my girlfriend about the other woman. She was not well and neither was I. I felt horrible and made her feel that way too. I hated it and am still not happy that I didn’t hold out. We had a very long talk and her feelings were understandably hurt. The situation led into me awakening from sleep to her being on my computer, in my FB account and another instance to her being on my phone. I do not fault her for it, not one bit. I sought advice from friends and family about it and many didn’t see what the big deal was considering we hadn’t met face to face yet. To me though, it was a breach of trust and I was at fault. It was a bigger deal to me than many of my friends. In any case, while feelings were hurt, we managed to have open and honest discussions about it and chose to push forward. I really do care for her and more so now, 7 months later.
She was doing some modeling as extra income when we first began seeing each other and it made me feel a little uncomfortable because of some of the sessions. Not exactly the kind of photography I would show to my grandmother even though it was artistic. Initially, when asked about my thoughts on it I told her it was something I would rather not know about. I didn’t really want to tell her I didn’t like it. Considering her normal profession, I didn’t think some of it was appropriate and worried that it might jeopardize her career. We have always been able to discuss things(sometimes after little spats) rationally and I finally had the courage to talk to her and tell her really how it made me feel. She decided to stop doing the shoots because she said that she no longer felt the need. It was during this time that she told me that I could look at her phone and her FB and that she had nothing to hide. I had done the same because if given a choice, I wanted(and still want to) spend the remainder of my days with her. She is that awesome. She spends a lot of time chatting with her girlfriends and occasionally family, no big deal. Where my mind begins to wonder is the quantity of texts and notifications she gets. One day I did choose to take a look and see what all the noise was about. It surprised me to see texts(conversations) from photographers wanting more sessions with her. One in particular seemed a little inappropriate for a business like relationship so I asked her about it. Her response was that just because someone sends her a text, it doesn’t mean she has to respond. True but I know she has kept things from me about the photography considering I had told her I would rather not know. I created an issue. Ugh. Trust. I failed her at the start and my feelings about what I had done is probably where my own questions come from. People say men and women think differently but I am not so sure. To some degree yes but not too differently. We are all human and suffer with some of the same weaknesses. In any case, after several spats, I find it so very difficult to fight the urge to check on her phone. I know I have to let it go because I can’t make her be with me. It is her choice. I know much of it is in my own head and I have tried to do some research about why my mind goes to the places that it does. I was orphaned at a young age and think that if my “condition” has a name, it is anxious attachment disorder. Being able to trust when my heart is finally at peace has been the most challenging thing I have ever faced. I chose to be single for many years because after many failed attempts at relationships, I thought it safer to be alone. Then she came back into my life and my heart now rejoices in the fact that I have an intimate friend. Someone I can share my thoughts with, show my ass to, be my nerdy self with and it is okay. She forgives me and loves me. This I know. People show love in different ways and I, for the most part, am still an emotional child. I have never been where I am with anyone like her before and I wouldn’t trade it for the world. What I do need though is to figure out how to take things day by day and learn to trust unconditionally. It is frightening. There is an old saying(cliche?) that says that it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. I don’t really agree with that. Without love there is safety in the heart. How do I get to the place where I feel there is safety in love? I have lost parents, and a guardian all before the age of 16. I battled depression for many years and am well acquainted with grief. Heartache is not something I like at all so how do I let my guard down and truly be open enough to allow our love to grow? This is just my version of Cliff’s Notes on the situation but…. Here I am. Tired of the same old same old. I want to make something new and am resigned to the fact that some things are beyond my control. What to do? I don’t want to let my mind wander and wonder what may or may not be going on. After talking to her about the text from that photographer that I thought was inappropriate, I ask myself whether or not she may be deleting things in case I choose to check again. While I HAVE wanted to, I am not. If she really has given herself to me then I think I just need to be still. Do I just believe in fairy tales where everything is beautiful and perfect? I know I am not. Okay, sorry about the book. My life story is a boring read.

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Victoria Gigante June 28, 2013 at 7:07 pm

Chris, I can see that you are suffering. This is a very complicated situation, and I’d need a lot more information to truly help you work through this. But to respond directly to your question at the end of the post:”How do I get to the place where I feel there is safety in love?” The truth is that to love somebody is a choice, and requires you to DECIDE that you are going to make yourself vulnerable – DECIDE to feel safe. When you decide to make yourself vulnerable, you are aware that you are opening yourself up to hurt and pain, heartache and loss. But at the same time, you are also providing the necessary foundation for your love to grow. Making yourself vulnerable takes courage, and with all the trust issues you’ve identified in your current relationship, only you know if it is more courageous to make yourself vulnerable or to walk away and move on. Feeling safety in a relationship is something that is felt deeply, right to our core. When that safety is violated, it can be very difficult to get back. Only you know if it’s possible in your current situation. Only you know if you are capable and willing to make yourself vulnerable again. Your comment about believing in fairy tales where everything is beautiful and perfect is dismissing to how you feel; you’re not looking for the perfect situation, Chris. You’re looking for trust, safety, and love. These are not high expectations for a relationship; in fact, they should be your minimal requirements. I will leave you with this Chris: What is your gut telling you? You know the answer. You know what needs to happen here. The sooner you can listen in and honor your inner truth, the sooner you’ll be on your way to feeling true love in a relationship (notice I said “a” relationship – not “your” relationship). You’re worth it Chris! – Victoria

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Donne August 27, 2017 at 11:33 am

I went through my girlfriend phone but it just brother me too much that I’m not happy in this relationship and I took upon myself to see what she been talking about me how she thinks of me I come down to a guy she so called her brother really a guy friend she knew over the years come find out they txt flirting setting up so they can go out getting yogurt together saying I love you babe etc heart eye emojis all that behind my back she lied to me

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Victoria Gigante September 30, 2017 at 7:43 pm

Thank you for your comment. I’m curious if you are still in the relationship you wrote about above? The key issue you present is that you don’t trust your girlfriend. Your actions were a reflection of that distrust, and unfortunately, you confirmed your fear.

Your intuition was correct: Trust had been broken. And when you looked through her phone, you violated her trust as well.

So the big question is this: Are you still together? If yes, what’s your plan to repair and rebuild the foundation of your relationship?

All the best and my apologies for the delay in my response.
Victoria

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Chris June 29, 2013 at 1:46 pm

Thank you! I am actually alright with everything. The main thing for me is to trust the true feelings that are there and recognize ghosts from the past. The suffering stems from a degree of self loathing that I know is in my nature. It isn’t anything that can’t be worked through because the way I see it, anything worth having is worth fighting for. I do all I can to preoccupy my mind when it begins to wander. Be it playing a carpenter or photographer. I go into what I call geek mode. I am a special effects technician and have always had a fascination with fire. Funny how things work out. She is the best thing that has ever happened to me and for whatever reason she really seems to love me. That is what is so disconcerting. The only people outside of my nuclear family that loves me unconditionally has been very close friends and their parents. I guess that is the way things work. I just need to get over my insecurities and take it for what it is. A real blessing. Yes, there is a lot more to it than I have illustrated but ultimately, it is how I feel when I am with her that tells me all. Some wounds never heal and you can drive yourself crazu trying to understand why things happen the way they do. Maybe it is denial, maybe it is acceptance but no matter which way you look at it, no matter what imaginations one may have, stop for a moment and appreciate the day. I try to stay positive. Always hoping to see a better day. Always hoping to make someone else’s day a little better, I think that is my purpose. You can do it to. There is a cliche that says to make lemonade out of lemons. I would do one better. When life gives me lemons, I’ll make a lemon cannon and see how far they go. LOL! So…. I do appreciate your thoughts. It makes me stop and consider things. I do that a lot anyways and good counsel never hurt anyone. I am rambling on now so… to any of you that may be reading this know this one thing. You can do anything you set your mind to and can have anything in this world. The question to ask yourself is this: What are you willing to sacrifice to get what you want?

Oh Victoria, thank you for the words you have shared and for your positive outlook. I glean a little more understanding from our relationship each day. To me, nothing is better than intimacy(nonsexual) with my beloved. I need to get over the insecurities and trust in things I cannot see. I need to work on faith. I just need a little. That is all. Have an awesome day!

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Victoria Gigante June 30, 2013 at 8:15 pm

Thank you so much for sharing more of your thoughts, Chris! Yes, let’s create “Lemon Cannons”, or “Lemon Launchers!” Haha. You have an AWESOME day as well 🙂 -Victoria

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Candice August 29, 2013 at 9:09 am

My fiancé and I met on a daring site. We flirted and chatted via email for almost two months before we met in person and right from his first few messages I was head over heals.
He often used to talk about his “close” friends and tell me a bit about their lives and in a way I thought it sweet that he had these friends. He had met them on the site too – years before me though.
Several months into our relationship he told me he “couldn’t do this” and split – he was afraid of commitment. Just two weeks later we were back together again.
Six months later I noticed he was trying to text somebody from his phone whenever I wasn’t looking, so when he left the room I picked up the phone and discovered he was talking to four or five women, all from the dating site. We had agreed to be exclusive so I was furious! I started looking through his phone more and more and uncovered that he had in fact slept with his “close friends” and was forever sensing them messages about how beautiful they are and how much he misses them – neither seems to know about the other.
Again we split and just a week later were back together. Every time something like this happens we split and make up.
The reason for this is, we are best friends, we love an light and love and share everything – except this.
When he gets angry he tells me he doesn’t trust me because I go through his phone if I notice a change in his behavior, he’ll tell me he never wanted this relationship in the first place and wants out – and then two or three days later he’ll want me to go out to lunch, dinner, movies and will want intimacy again.
I have asked him to cut strain women out of our Ives because their conversations start off platonic and then a week orbtwonlater they’re sending inappropriate photos and setting up private chat channels because he warns them I “snoop”
I feel he is disrespecting me in the first place and so creates the “space” for me to distrust him. I am highly intuitive – I can almost see images of him talking to other women when he gets home in the evening.
I have found video recordings on his phone of the women at work bending over in tight jeans etc. he doesntdonthis every day but the fact that he does it all is messing with my head and my heart.
He tells me he wants me to trust him and I think okay, this time he’ll try harder – and then two or three weeks later I’ll pick up his phone and find he’s talking to one of the women he’s promised to cut off entirely and I am back to square one. Even if its just a response email that says “Hello, I’m good thanks how are you?” I feel the door is open again and I start to hurt.
We are supposed to get married next June and on three occasions now he’s threatened to call off the wedding and said he’s not ready (we’ve been together give years now, loving together for 3)
A day or two later he talks about our wedding and future together as if nothing happened.
Nobody can help me fix this I know, but maybe you are on the “other side of the fence” an have some insight to offer?
It’s at that stage now when men flirt with me and with me and I think it doesn’t matter if I flirt back, my fiancé does it all the time so its ok….

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Victoria Gigante August 29, 2013 at 7:48 pm

Candice, I feel your pain. Truly I do. And I get it. More than you know.
Do me a favor: Re-read what you’ve written. Read it slowly. Read it as objectively as possible. Read it as though a best friend has written it to you asking for advice. What would you tell them to do?
You know the answer. And I know you’re strong enough to do what you need to do. So what are you afraid of? Empower yourself. Sending peace & calm, Victoria

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Franz September 6, 2013 at 10:14 am

I broke up with my girlfriend a few months ago, then we re-connected and slept together at her request. That night she was very forward and seemed to want me back in her life. She knew that my feelings for her were strong and that I take intimacy seriously. he had been dating off a dating site and I told her that if we are going to be intimate again that we both need to put 100% into it and not entertain other options for a while. She told me she would get off the site. She was very distant the following weeks, periodically texting and making ‘tentative’ plans. The interactions had no semblance of the romance, energy and desire of our first meeting. She mentioned ‘pumping the breaks’. When we hung out again I looked at her phone and saw that she was still on the dating site and didn’t delete it or get off of it. It broke my heart. After the fact we hung out somewhat, and she initiated more intimacy, but I new something wasn’t right in my gut. I checked her phone again and saw she was texting some random guy she met on vacation this summer. She mentioned calling him in the text and these messages were all after we slept together and professed our love for one another. I agree with this post, trust your gut. When you feel the need to check a phone something isn’t right, and you need to walk or take a break. Checking the phone makes your legitimate concern over someones bad behaviour a character flaw. When you feel it, it’s most likely true. My girlfriend wasn’t cheating, but she was definitely leading me along in a way I was not comfortable about. She betrayed our bond as two people who loved one another, and she acted selfishly at the expense of our bond. I should have just told her, ‘this doesn’t feel right and I don;t think your being honest about your intentions or how you feel about this, so I am going to walk…” Instead, I look like a jealous weirdo, and she can justify her behaviour. Don’t snoop…confront and then walk.

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Victoria Gigante September 8, 2013 at 2:22 am

Franz, Thank you for sharing the details of your experience. While it may have been a painful lesson for you to learn (I know it was for me!), it’s definitely an invaluable one: Trust your gut. I hope that you will carry that insight forward with you in future relationships – and in life 🙂 -Sending peace & calm, Victoria

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Jason September 29, 2013 at 6:24 pm

My girlfriend has texted multiple guys dirty stuff through text. I have confronted her and she says it’s my problem looking through her phone. I love her to death but I feel we need to split up, but part of me wants to work it out like I said she is my best friend. I can’t imagine losing her

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Victoria Gigante September 29, 2013 at 6:39 pm

Hi Jason, Thank you for sharing a bit about your story. There is no right or wrong answer in this situation – only what works for you. Some things to consider: How does it make you FEEL when you think about your girlfriend texting other men dirty stuff? What prompted you to check her phone? You say you “feel we need to split up,” but then go on to say that you “can’t imagine losing her.” Ending any relationship is difficult, but tell me: What are you both contributing to each other’s lives? Would a best friend treat you this way? And again… how do you FEEL? Remember: Space is created when we let go of situations/people/things that no longer serve us in life. I know you “can’t imagine losing her,” but what’s the fear behind that statement? You are stronger than you realize. Peace + Calm, Victoria

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Jason September 29, 2013 at 8:04 pm

It upsets me. We have such great times when we hang out though. Like it almost overrules the negative of what she does

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Victoria Gigante September 30, 2013 at 11:09 am

Jason, You say that “It almost overrules the negatives of what she does.” What else is she doing that upsets you? It sounds like you have to make a choice: Either accept her behavior (since she’s indicated that she’s not going to change it), or move on. Getting upset and “almost” accepting her behavior in the hopes that she may change is probably only going to lead to a great deal of heartache and pain. Be clear with what you want, and don’t settle for less. Acknowledge how you feel. Respond, don’t react. Peace + Calm, Victoria

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John October 7, 2013 at 2:44 am

I trusted my girlfriend very much when we first started our relationship. She wrote letters to a friend who was in rehab cause he was always there for her when she needed someone. This was before I came in to the picture. I never met him but she assured me all the time that he was only a friend and that she never led him to believe that they could be together. Well months later I was looking through some of her old pictures on instagram from when we first started dating. I ran into a picture she took of one of the letters she sent him. One line really upset me “I miss you my handsome.” I confronted her about it and she said she did it cause she felt bad for him and wanted to lighten him up but that it really didn’t mean anything. After that I lost my trust in her. I had her password to her Twitter and her Gmail and I also knew the pin code on her phone cause she had given me those at one point in time and I memorized them. I snooped around her phone once and found Facebook msgs she had with this guy. The msgs said she missed him and he said he may come see her (he lives about 3hrs away from her) so she said “stay at my house?” I felt betrayed by that and I confronted her about it. She got mad I looked through her phone but she said she will block him from all social media sites and that she should have done that long ago but I still shouldn’t snoop around. She changed her pin lock after that. I continued to snoop around her private Twitter msgs and google chats. I ended up finding something last week on her Twitter msgs that really hit me hard. She didn’t cheat but what she said to this other guy were words that could lead to that action. I confronted her about that one and she was of course mad again and wondering how I got her password. She then said it was joke and that they are long time friends and that if she really did wanna do that she would have a long time ago. She says she knows it was wrong for her to say that to him and that she took the joke too far but I shouldn’t be a creep. Now we have agreed to be apart indefinitely. Its only been 4 days since this happened and I didn’t speak to her even though I missed her so much. I started to believe that she really wouldn’t do that to me cause I do know how she is although what she said to him she did cross the line. She ended up randomly texting me wanting to see me but then moments later she said she didn’t think we should and that we shouldn’t rush into it. Then she said I’m a creep for what I did. She has told me she only sees herself with me even till now she continues to say that even though I looked through her stuff. I am having a hard time letting go even though she said I should cause I shouldn’t wait for her and she may not be back. Now I’m left with not knowing what to do cause I’m still in love with her and I don’t see myself with anyone else but her.

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Victoria Gigante October 7, 2013 at 10:15 am

John: First of all, thank you for being so honest and open in your sharing. I can tell that this is a painful situation. I really want you to consider this line that you wrote: “After that I lost my trust in her.” This was right in the beginning of your relationship, and ever since that moment you’ve been acting from a place of fear. The foundation of your relationship is now one based on distrust: You don’t trust her because every time you “creep” you find something, and she doesn’t trust you because you “creep.” You say, “Now I’m left with not knowing what to do cause I’m still in love with her and I don’t see myself with anyone else but her.” I’d really like you to think about this statement, and to feel it in your body. What goes through your head when you think about being alone? Where do you feel it in your body when you think about not being with her? Be honest: Is this a FEAR BASED reaction? A self-worth issue? Why are you willing to settle for being with someone you don’t trust? I know things are a great deal more complicated in relationships; but without trust, do you really see a future with this person? Do you want to live in fear? If you do decide to get back together, I highly encourage you both to seek guidance on working through your trust issues. If you move on from this relationship and don’t get back together, I highly encourage you to focus on building up your confidence and internal strength. You both deserve to feel safe and trusted in your relationships. Peace + Calm, Victoria

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John October 7, 2013 at 11:56 am

That was very encouraging! Thank you…

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Kishore October 23, 2014 at 4:03 pm

Hi Victoria,

me and girl stopped talking for a while, It was just so random i had check her new phone, and just wanted to see whether she is deleting my texts or not. I accidentally saw her text conversation between her and her ex. I was furious, and just wanted to really know whats going on. I confronted her about the conversation but she kept denying the texts between them and started to point out my mistake of checking her texts which i agree. But i don’t doubt her, she could have told about the texts like the way she usually tells when ever her ex texts her. She is denying that she did not text him its a different person, and started pointing out my mistake of checking her texts. How to win her back? and make her calm, as she is so angry on me.

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Victoria Gigante November 6, 2014 at 6:28 pm

Kishore,

Thank you for sharing a bit about your story.

I’m curious why you felt compelled to check your partner’s phone in the first place? Why did you want to see if she was deleting your text messages? What was the driving force behind that decision? Had she done something up to that point that led you to believe that she was not trustworthy? OR did that decision stem from your own insecurity?

It’s been a couple of weeks since you posted. How is your relationship now?

Sending Peace & Clarity,
Victoria

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Sam October 21, 2013 at 5:20 pm

My girlfriend and I have been dating for almost nine months and we’ve both had our shares of smoking pot. But recently we both quit and got jobs and started living adult lives. We both are going to school and working. But recently I looked at my girlfriends recent texts to her stepsister and found something very disturbing and upsetting. over the weekend, she stayed at her stepsisters house with her and her boyfriend. Her stepsister and her boyfriend smoke a lot or whenever they can. I was scrolling thru the messages and saw what her stepsister said. She said that her mom is going to probably smoke with us and my girlfriend said okay. A few messages down, my girlfriend says “remember, dont tell sam”. It took me a minute to realize what she had said. Immediately after that, i put the phone down and havent said anything to her about it. If anyone could possibly give me some advice as to what i should do in this situation, i would really appreciate it. I dont want to lose her. I just want to resolve this issue without her getting pissed off to the point of ending this relationship.

Thanks

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Victoria Gigante October 21, 2013 at 5:39 pm

Ok Sam, let me get this straight: YOU caught HER deceiving YOU, and YOU’RE worried about HER leaving YOU?
Well actually, let’s go back for a minute: What compelled you to look in her phone in the first place? Because that’s the root cause of what’s going on here – that’s where the pain starts. The fact that you’re caught up in the fear of HER leaving YOU just magnifies the issue even further. I know these situations aren’t black and white, and I’d want to have a real discussion with you before giving any sort of feedback. So I encourage you to explore the following questions: What compelled you to look in her phone and scroll through her text messages (because in many relationships, this would be considered a sign that there is a lack of trust)? Do you believe you deserve to be in a committed relationship where trust exists? And finally: If you ended this relationship, do you believe that you’d be able to find another girlfriend? These questions aren’t judgements; they are meant to help you explore the emotions behind what’s happened in this situation – where you have fear, and your beliefs surrounding relationships. Hope that helps, Sam! Peace + Calm -Victoria

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David October 23, 2013 at 11:51 am

I am currently with the love of my life. Literally, being with this woman makes me question whether I have really loved before. But i am a broken man. My previous marriage ended with her getting with her lesbian friend, a friend of whom I was very suspicious throughout the marriage. My suspicions caused a lot of problems. A lot of arguments. I used to check her phone (but she would delete the texts she sent to her “friend”) and her facebook (again, the messages to her “friend” were deleted regularly). I FELT like something was wrong, and after 5 years of marriage was proved right. Which hurt like a b*tch.

I am now with quite possibly the most amazing woman in the world. But whilst my relationship with my ex wife has moved on, my insecurities have not. In fact I would say that they have got worse. My girlfriend has a friend that she was in love with once. He was married and nothing physical ever happened. But whilst physical intimacy is important, its not the most important thing to me. Its the sharing of ones heart. Connecting with another human on a level that is above and not shared with others. Im an all or nothing sort of guy.
She keeps texting and Facebooking this guy and wanting to (and sometimes doing it) meet up with him. That makes it sound worse than it is. She’s not flirting with this guy. And I don’t believe she is planning to run away with him or anything like that, that’s not my fear. My fear is of deceit. Of not having her heart. Of her true love being directed elsewhere. And today I blew it. I woke up this morning feeling crappy. Intuitive kind of crappy. And I checked her phone. I read her texts. Its something I promised myself I wouldn’t do. And I did. Sure, I found texts between them telling each other that they missed each other and wanted to meet up, but that should be ok. Shouldn’t it? She “doesn’t know” how she feels about this guy. And that scares me. I don’t think I could handle all that again….

I don’t want to lose her. But more importantly, I don’t want to be this pathetic insecure, jealous, suspicious man that I have turned in to. It’s not fair on her. It’s disrespectful to her. I am a very open person (by choice after my last relationship) and nothing is off the table. If I feel something, I say it. And I agree with you that if it quacks like a duck it probably is a duck. But I think that sometimes we are so damaged that we see mirages of ducks or even create ducks. Just because my instinct was right once, doesn’t mean it will be right again and that I should live my life disregarding what other people tell me just because i feel differently. I have to trust what I am told. When it comes to relationships anyway. Anything else seems too painful. Pushing something that “feels” right that hurts the other person so much is not good. There has to come a time when I say “OK, I’m wrong. I have misread it”.

But all that is useless to know now. Because I fear that my checking her phone (I admitted it to her at lunchtime the same day) has stepped over a boundary too far for her. I haven’t said, but very much feel that if there is nothing to hide then it shouldn’t be a problem. But that is flawed because if there wasn’t a problem, I wouldn’t be checking the phone.

I don’t even know why i am writing this… I guess thats the insecure, needy part of me looking for reassurance and comfort from others, because I cant do it myself…. Anyway. Thank you for the post. It was all true. I would like to know your thoughts on where you draw the line between intuition and insecurity. Because Im pretty sure that our damaged psyches can create something very very much like intuition….

Thank you

Dave

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Victoria Gigante October 24, 2013 at 9:48 am

Hi Dave,

Thank you for your making yourself vulnerable and sharing your story; I can tell that there is definitely a great deal of pain surrounding this topic. You asked me where one should draw the line between intuition and insecurity. Well, I think that is an excellent question. Both intuition and insecurity are deeply internal feelings, but the difference between the two is that one is based in fear (insecurity) and one is based on clear seeing (intuition).

So here’s how it works: When we are grounded and rooted in ourselves and in our lives, we can then tap into how we feel. Our interactions become more open, and we gain a more honest understanding of how we’re really feeling about a situation. It is from this place that we can look insecurity in the eye and choose to either fuel it with fear or TAKE ACTION from a place of strength – based on intuition.

That may all sound like mumbo jumbo, so let me break it down: How grounded do you feel in your life, outside of this relationship? Are your basic needs being met? Are you financially secure? Do you have healthy relationships and friendships? Do you feel safe? Because once all of those basic needs are being met, and you don’t feel like you NEED to be in an intimate relationship, you can trust that your understanding of your emotions is coming from a more honest and centered place. When we feel desperate, co-dependent and like we NEED the other person, that’s when we start to act from a place of fear.

You’ve been married before. You know what it’s like to feel betrayed – both by another person and by yourself. Why by yourself? Because by your own admission, you felt INTUITIVELY that something was off in your marriage. Not only that – you also intuitively knew WHO was throwing you off (your ex-wife’s lesbian friend). In short, your intuition was spot on. Intuition (and insecurity) are muscles – the more you use them, the stronger they get. Experience strengthens them. Even though you didn’t fully trust your intuition back in your marriage, that muscle was operating properly. You can either use that experience and the understanding you gained from it as fuel for your fear or fuel for trusting yourself more.

The other side of the coin is that you love this woman you are with. This may sound harsh, but I really want you to think about WHY. What is it about this specific woman? What value does she bring to your life?

Basically, is this a relationship based in trust and love; or is there insecurity and fear rocking its foundation. Remember what I wrote before: When our basic needs aren’t strong and solid, it’s very easy to get consumed by insecurity.

In your first paragraph, you wrote that you are a broken man. That doesn’t sound too empowered to me, David. You are not broken, and the first step towards actively trusting your intuition and coming from a place of strength is to STOP identifying yourself as such. We all get burned sometimes – you can either view that experience as a painful growing process, but one that left you STRONGER – or as a situation that left you beaten and broken.

In your second paragraph, you say you are an “all in kind of guy.” Well, then be ALL IN. But if you’re all in, then you must make the decision to be vulnerable to getting completely hurt – because it is only in that vulnerability that you’ll find the potential opportunity to grow closer and deeper in your love with this woman.

I want you to really think about these sentences that you wrote: “I woke up this morning feeling crappy. Intuitive kind of crappy.”

Wow. No hesitation in your writing. It’s intuition. Not insecurity.

You also wrote this: “She “doesn’t know” how she feels about this guy. And that scares me.”

Um. YEAH! Why wouldn’t it scare you!?!?! Do you feel the fear and insecurity – the CONFUSION – that instills?

David: You are not broken. You are not damaged. Trust your intuition. You are worthy of love. Ask for what you want and need, trust your gut and come from a place of grounded strength. You’ve got this. Sending peace + calm, Victoria

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David October 24, 2013 at 12:42 pm

HI Victoria,

Your words are amazing. Thank you.

We spoke last night. Very openly. It was amazing. It has made us closer.

Its nice to find someone who understands what i say though 🙂

Thank you

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Victoria Gigante October 25, 2013 at 12:00 am

Glad you found it helpful, Dave. – Victoria

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Teddy November 13, 2013 at 11:51 am

Good on you, Dave! My former marriage went on like that for a while until I ended it. Now she’s an in-full-bloom rainbow marcher.

chad October 24, 2013 at 9:11 am

I looked at my girlfriends phone this morning… I admit it… she’s been texting with some guy, who is a friend of hers. Before we met, the two went to cancun together (as friends, she says). She also has told me that she hasn’t spoke to him in a couple years… He was recently sending selfies to her on his sailboat, and on the water… They were talking about “their” songs and how that will always remind them of each other… Namely, Dave Matthews Band – Crush & Madness – Muse… They were also trying to connect to hang out and have beers, but according to the text messages that has not happened yet… I am so f’ing pissed… I just purchased plane tickets to Hawaii for the two of us in December… The reason I looked, is because she gets really protective of her phone and sometimes I feel like the good girl that’s around me all the time is really a different person… Also, there were numerous other guys that she was texting back and forth with sexually suggestive things… Nothing to heavy, but still kinda made my stomach twist in knots…. What should I do?

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Victoria Gigante October 24, 2013 at 2:20 pm

Chad,

You don’t need me to tell you what to do. You know what to do. Don’t let the cost of 2 plane tickets to Hawaii muddle your clarity about the situation. What are the facts? How would you respond to this situation if you weren’t afraid? What would you do if the fear you feel was used as fuel to take empowered action?

You’re worth it.

Peace + Calm,
Victoria

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Mark October 29, 2013 at 9:10 pm

My girlfriend started by checking my text, phone about 6 months ago, this caused myself to sever one female ex friend relationship, nothing was going on, yes a few stupid drunken texts but no infidelity or sexual texts. I thought it had stopped, again 3 months ago my facebook account was then accessed and another close female friend who I had communicated regularly for many years from the other side of the world, my conversations were read, I was accused of many things and agreed to stop conversations & unfriend on facebook. Unfortunately I did not fully agree and lowered the conversations to an email every couple of months, catch ups on life, I had known this person for 7 years and found it difficult to stop my friendship. My email accounts were checked on the weekend, now all hell has broken out, that I’ve lied and cheated constantly and have more feelings for this person that I have not seen in 7 years and lives on the other side of the world, which I do not. I have since written an email ending that friendship too, it was extremely difficult to do, now I’ve been told my relationship with my girlfriend is over. I’ve lost two of my closest friends in the process.
On the other side, jumping to conclusions can destroy a great relationship, great friendships and make somebody feel extremely worthless for no good reason.
Now to try and mend my relationship with my girlfriend knowing that I was doing nothing wrong is slightly difficult to say the least

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Victoria Gigante October 30, 2013 at 1:44 pm

Mark,

Thank you for sharing your experience. Here’s the thing: Regardless of whether or not you WERE or WEREN’T cheating, the root cause of the issue is still the same – Your girlfriend does not trust you. This may or may not have ANYTHING to do with you – but she has indicated this by her actions. Her actions have been taken out of insecurity, and they’ve had a huge impact on your relationship with each other, as well as your relationship to others.

My question to YOU is this: When is it going to stop? What is keeping YOU involved with someone that clearly is both insecure and doesn’t trust you? How many relationships are you going to sacrifice in an attempt to sooth your girlfriends insecurities?

Of course, I’ve only heard one side of the story; and in the end, only you and your girlfriend know the intimate details of your situation. But I hope, at the very least, I’ve given you some food for thought.

Sending peace, calm and clarity,

Victoria

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Teddy November 13, 2013 at 11:35 am

Greetings.
Was with a girl, we’ll call her Misty. Misty, while in some other relationships, strayed occasionally. She told me up front about this and she promised she wouldn’t do this with me. We made arrangements to allay our trust and insecurities. We were together about 20 months. At various points in our relationship, Misty omitted or concealed the truth. 1) Truth about going to a massage guy after she promised she wouldn’t. 2) Truth about having drinks with her ex and discussing reconciliation while she asked me to wait at her place.
#3 was when she asked me, while she was in the other room, to look at a message her mom had sent her. I went to the text list screen and fat-fingered/tapped the entry below her mom. This opened a thread with one of her ex-coworker who we visited earlier that day. She had a disparaging remark about me on there. A) she’d never done this before or B) she has, but I never ‘caught it’. She apologized and saw how this was hurtful. Why talk to the person you got a problem with when you can tell the world? (I can’t talk with her anymore so I’m telling the world here.)
#4 was recently. She needed space and time and to go out with friends. We had a brief disagreement (who, where, how long) and she blew out the door. Typically, we would be respectful about those details. I texted something like “I love you. I’m sorry. I hope you really do have a fun evening. Be safe.” Whatever. Her main plan fell through. For 2.5 hours, she says she was parked at a local market texting other friends to try to meet up with them (she left out she was at a bar, also.) Even had a call to a friend for over an hour she says. Then, she finally found an available friend around midnight…her ex-boss and ‘big brother’, Dirk. They went to a bar near his place until it closed at 2am. She says went home by 2:30 and fell asleep on the sofa (our plans were for her to come back to my place.) I had stayed up all night waiting for her. She woke up around 5 and texted me that she was just going to stay at her place tonight (maybe she stayed at Dirks for a bit after the bar and before she got home around 5?) I called her and told her to pick her things up from my place right now and we are through. She came over, got her things and then we argued for 1.5 hours in the street. There were gaps in her story. Sunday, we chilled.
At this point I will declare that we have (supposedly) always been open with our comms…no problems looking at each others’ phones, answering each others’ messages or calls…no big deal…until Monday.
I was going thru her messages from Sat night. More disparaging comments about me AND her timeline that she said to me was off from the messages timeline.
She freaked that I looked. Honestly, my counselor and I think she freaked because I found more untruths. She said I’m psycho and violated her privacy and we’re through. ok.
The relationship is dead, sadly. I saw a counselor the next day because I was/am devastated. This LMHC said that in a long term, committed relationship such as ours, yes we must trust. The fact that we ‘allowed’ each other to use each others’ phones was even as it should be. That I looked though her phone, especially after the lack of communications from the weekend was okay and not a violation. There is no room for secrets in a relationship such as the one we had. Trying to discuss it out was futile.
So we don’t talk anymore, obviously and I do miss her. I see her in town at times and feel that twist in my heart, but she’s happier and I guess I will be, too. Better it ended sooner than later.
She’s a great gal in a billion ways. In the end, she doomed it be her actions and not sticking to our trust arrangements, not because it was a mistake to review her messages.

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Victoria Gigante November 13, 2013 at 1:15 pm

Teddy,
Thank you for sharing your story. Your situation is a bit different, since you already agreed that looking through each other’s phones was OK. However, the point is still the same: All of this activity and emotion surrounding the cell phone and checking messages can be tied back to a lack of trust. She’s been deceiving you, and you’ve known it. Whether you want to admit it or not, the intention behind your looking through her phone (especially towards the end) was because you didn’t trust her. And look? Your gut was right. So while it wasn’t a “mistake” to look through her phone (since you’d already agreed that this was OK in your relationship), it’s important to acknowledge that there was definitely a moment when your motivation for reviewing her messages changed. Imagine if we could just trust that little voice inside of us that tells us when something shifted? It would avoid a lot of heartache.
Sending You Peace + Calm, Victoria

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Teddy November 13, 2013 at 4:22 pm

What is your opinion of the LMHC’s comments?

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Victoria Gigante November 14, 2013 at 11:50 pm

Teddy, I don’t like to critique what other professionals say. What’s the specific question you’d like my opinion on? I’ll answer it, and then you can take/leave what you want from both of our thoughts. Does that make sense? -Victoria

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Miki November 15, 2013 at 10:11 pm

Okay I was texting my girlfriend today and she stop texting me at around 10:30 in the morning I got a text message at 6:30 at night saying I’m sorry I was sleeping the whole time, she’s been sick so that’s understandable But I noticed her conversations from earlier and till now are kind of short and to the point with no emotion now yesterday she said she loved me in a text with all her heart and was just like regular And when I confronted her about talking to one of her exes earlier in our relationship she told me she has cheated in the past just one time, but I’m okay with that I’m a forgiving person I don’t dwell on the past… I have caught her in multiple lies and when I try to bring Them to her attention she gets angry and makes it seem like I’m crazy or overreacting. The reason why I’m writing all this is because not but three hours ago I get a text message of pictures of a conversation that was being had with her and another man… Now she says this to cover it up “Sorry I meant to foward my friends conversation to Michelle hahaha sorry….Haily is trying to be with this guy and he zoned her” what I find weird is that why would u be forwarding this to ur friend when the other person could have forwarded it to the other girl herself? And immediately after that I stopped replying Because in the text message in the picture she sent the way its written looks like the way she texts me and also in the message the guys basically telling her that he would like to be good friends but not to be with her like that and she tells him that she has feelings for him and that she doesn’t just want to just be friends.. Before we started going out she had a boyfriend and I told her when I found out that it’s either me or him.. I’m not that type of guy… I’m a very loving,passionate, and giving person I just don’t see why she would cheat (or attempt to cheat) on me when I’m the only one who has put up with her families issues and her own issues…

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Miki November 15, 2013 at 10:25 pm

Why I stopped texting her is because I was shocked, angry, and needed advice on what to do.. If you can give me any thoughts you might have I would deeply appreciate it.. And I apologize for the messages being a little sloppy. Thank you very much for your time.

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Victoria Gigante November 18, 2013 at 12:51 pm

Miki, I’m a little confused by what you’ve written. All I can say is this: It sounds like you need to get clear with WHY you’re in this relationship. Where is this relationship going? Do you both contribute value to each other’s lives? All of these questions surrounding text messages are just masking the real issues. Do you trust each other? -Victoria

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Loulou December 7, 2013 at 8:41 am

9 months ago my boyfriend discovered by snooping through my mails that i was subscribed to an exchange site and chatting with other women for about two years. During those two years I never met with anyone from the site as it was more a thing of curiousity for me and I could not see myself cheating on my boyfriend even though I’ll admit i was tempted once or twice. I stopped visiting the site over a year before he discovered it. When he confronted me about it I was initially defensive but I apologised and we spoke about it at length. He still wanted to be with me so we decided to work things out.

He did continue to snoop in my email accounts discovering again that a former colleague and friend had a crush on me which I did not encourage. At this point in time this former colleague had left (i work overseas) the organization and gone back home…half a continent away. I knew he was going through my mails but I thought, “if that helps him regain his trust in me then fine”. A few months later he asked me to delete this friend from my contacts even though we only exchanged emails once in a while. I did so but sent him a mail a few months later to find out how he was settling in back home. (Note here that I do not have any romantic feelings for this friend, not in the least). Of course my boyfriend , still snooping discovered this mail the day i sent it. All hell broke loose again and i cut off all communications with this friend.

A few days ago my ex wrote to me saying he was in my country setting up a branch of his company. My sister who had just lost her job begged me to ask for his number so she could find out if there were any openings. I did so even though my ex is nit someone I like to be in-debted to. Boyfriend once again goes snooping and sees the mails, the same day; and concludes that I would never have told him about it if he had not “discovered” the mails. Funnily enough I have yold him of evry conversation I have had with this ex.

Now he insists that i am not trustworthy but will remain with me because he cannot be without me. I do jot want to be with someone who cannot trust me. Suffice to say thai feel like he keeps robbing me of a chance to really show that he can trust me by snooping. He can never be sure if i was going to inform him or not!

What do I do? Is it worth trying to salvage this relationship? I feel sometimes that he is transposing what happened in his previous relationship to this one. He cheated first on his ex-wife and then she cheated and the rekationship ended.

Sorry for my very long post. I just feel like I am in too much pain. Yes I wronged him and I really have no intention of doing so again, but for the last 9 months it’s this constant snooping, followed by insults. I think that is what hurts the most.

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Victoria Gigante December 7, 2013 at 12:00 pm

Thank you for sharing. I can tell you are in pain, and it takes courage to open up, especially when emotions are high.

So you’ve told me everything that’s NOT working in this relationship. Can you tell me what IS working? That’s a great place to start.

This line of what you’ve written concerns me: “Now he insists that i am not trustworthy but will remain with me because he cannot be without me.”

Be empowered. You have a choice in the matter.

Do YOU want this relationship anymore?

Sending Peace + Love,
Victoria

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Mata December 14, 2013 at 5:49 pm

Hi, I think I have lovely boyfriend he is very nice to me, always very understanding.
we were talking something about past and he said he cheated on his ex but also explain he wasn’t happy in relationship and than actually realized he dint love her and also how awful she was to him …fair enough he was honest to me,
last night I was with him and when he went for shower I saw his phone and checked his messages. there was text from his male mate saying : saw Natali shopping ..spending your poke / money / ‘ don’t know who Natali is. couldn’t check more as he came back from shower saying ‘ oh forgot my phone ‘ ..not sure why he needs phone in shower… now it really bugging me … don’t know if shall I ask … he will be probably angry or thinks I don’t trust him…. please advise, thank you

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Victoria Gigante December 15, 2013 at 7:19 pm

Mata,
Thank you for sharing a bit about your situation. Here’s my question: Why did you grab his phone in the first place?
You know the answer here: What is your intuition telling you?
Sending peace + clarity,
Victoria

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Mr X December 20, 2013 at 2:12 am

I wanted to share a bit of my situation and maybe get some advice, I have been hurt a lot in the past and so automatically think the worst. I have been with my girlfriend for a few months, when we met she was living with her ex and due to a number of factors couldn’t go anywhere else. I found out she had slept with him as she told me he made her feel guilty for staying there. I took her back and we moved in together as I had to move with work and was hoping this would mean the end of it. Everytime I hear her typing on the laptop I get his gutwrenching feeling as though she is messaging someone else. I openly spoke to her about this and she told me she was just messaging a friend even though everytime she turned the screen away when she was typing. I didnt believe what she was telling me and so I looked through the internet history and found she had been on a dating site and a website for sex. I confronted her about this and she said she liked to talk dirty to people as it made her feel good. I told her I wasnt comfortable with this and she promised she would stop, I checked again a few days ago and found she was still up to it. I had a dicussion with her where I told her that I needed to get some help for my paranoia and she said she finds relationships difficult and she was going to get help for it.

I am scared of loosing her she is the best thing that has happened to me for a long time and I’m scared my paranoia is going to ruin this as I feel it leads her to want to talk to other people. I understand that moving to a completely new area is difficult and as she knows no one wants to make contacts but I feel she is probably making contacts for the wrong reasons. I love her and I want this to work but I don’t know how to trust her.

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Victoria Gigante December 22, 2013 at 6:52 pm

Mr. X,
Thank you for sharing a bit about your story.
With the information you’ve provided, all I can do is ask the questions that immediately come to mind.
For starters, I’m curious what’s leading you to believe that you’re paranoid? To me, it sounds like you’re in denial.
Paranoia? No. Your fears are based in reality. In fact, if you re-read what you’ve written you’ll see that you’ve created a beautiful outline of exactly WHY you don’t trust her. Every time you trust your gut, your fears about her lack of loyalty to the relationship are confirmed.
So my next question is: Are you afraid to be alone? I get the sense that you are; you’re way too quick to take on the blame for things that have nothing to do with you. This is the root of your self-diagnosis of being “paranoid,” right? Think about it: If YOU have a problem, then there’s still a chance that something can change. It gives you the option to keep trying to make this work. If you acknowledge what actually IS though, you’ll quickly see that you’re in the relationship with the POTENTIAL of this woman – not the actual woman.
A lot to think about. Just remember that I don’t know you or her. I’m just going off of what you’ve written her. If you’d like to go deeper into this, we can explore the possibility of coaching.
Remember: YOU’RE WORTH IT.
Sending Peace & Clarity,
Victoria

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Grayfox December 29, 2013 at 3:00 pm

I have never done anything like this before so I do feel relatively insecure about posting my relationship details online. I just don’t know what to do. So here we go…

My girlfriend and I met probably about 5-6 years ago, in our hometown, but we didn’t start dating until about 3.5 years ago. We have come a long ways from the reckless teenagers we were. When we began dating we frequently used drugs and drank often, although we quit doing drugs quite some time ago, we continued drinking quite a bit. So I would say that getting clean would be our first milestone together. Our love continued to grow for each other, we eventually moved into our own house, and this was more than likely our 2nd milestone together. We enjoyed living in that house quite a bit, and quite honestly looking back on things now, our most pleasant memories are there. There are two things I did to breach our trust though. In one I had told her that another girl had propositioned herself to me, just to see how she would react, well she ended up being quite angry and was going to go inside to fight her, so then I revealed that I had lied. This caused her to punch me in the face and leave, we ended up making up and we worked through the problems that arose. Another time in this same house, I did drugs again behind her back and she found out, of course after dating a junkie before me, she was extremely angry. So once again she punched me in the face and broke up with me. I ended up leaving my house to stay with a friend, she called me and wanted me to come home so I did. We worked things out still.

During this year of living in our own house we had also started college, and I had done quite well even though it was a small town community college, and I had dreams of engineering, mathematics, and physics. There is a very exceptional school in the sciences in the city near our hometown, so I wanted to move. She came with me and the move to the city would ultimately begin to rock the foundation of our relationship. We moved in with each other after 8 months, and we had spent a year there, and now we were moving into the city together, where we knew no one and the whole idea was somewhat scary.

Moving was hard, we had no time, in between enrolling in a new school and trying to find a place to live plus jobs, it was stressful to say the least. We found a place that was quite far from our jobs and schools. We stayed there from May til the beginning of July, and in this time our relationship would face another hit. We moved in with some random people on craigslist, they seemed level headed and down to earth. I was trying my best to do well in school while giving my girlfriend the time as well because I knew she was lonely. One of the guys there Luke, was a smooth talker. She never showed interest in him so I never assessed him as a threat. After sometime the person with the lease had to “move” so he got someone else on the lease, and these people were not good people. Ex-prison, gang members, junkies. The worst of the worst. I couldn’t handle leaving my girlfriend at home by herself for even a minute, but I had to continue doing my schoolwork. Luke’s parents lived in a nearby town and he invited us over to hangout. We did and it was a relief from being in that house with those people. He mentioned how fucked up it all was and we drank pretty well that night. I had school the next day so I had to go to bed and she wanted to stay up. That night she and I were talking about very personal stuff and she ended up shutting me out to go back out of the room and hang out with Luke and I said okay I need to sleep anyways. She comes back to bed sometime later and says, can we do something? and I say sure, what is it? she replied with, “can we never talk to Luke again?” of course I get up in a hurry and ask what had happened, and apparently he had seduced her and she didn’t stop it at first but then said she wouldn’t do that. So I’m angry and she convinces me to just leave instead of fighting him. On the way back to our house she began crying about how she would have to move back to Wray after this ordeal, and all I told her was that I wanted to make things work so we did. Then shortly after we moved out of that house into our house near the school and that whole experience would soon become a distant memory. The month after moving in to this apartment we celebrated our 2nd anniversary, and after this our dynamic would change, and we had no idea it was approaching.

I continued school and I was doing very well at it, I was regarded among my peers as one of the best, and person that people came to with questions concerning advanced mathematics and physics. For once in my life I felt like I had found my calling. I spent all my time doing this and I would give her time too, just not nearly as much. She was also doing as well, but not quite as well as me. She didn’t feel as if she had found her true calling. She was just going through the motions. Ultimately, it would be this attitude to rock things. Everything to her just became going through the motions. We would have no major fights for the next year and a half, but we would become distanced. I thought things were going well. Two weeks before she wanted to break-up with me she began talking to a guy from her past, he was older than I but they talked almost constantly. They texted all the time, and she was open about it and I told her it was good she found a friend. I am not sure if her leaving me is connected to this third person, but I know one thing. He made her feel wanted. Special. Something I had neglected to do the last year and a half. She approached me one day and told me things weren’t working out, she had lost the fire for “us”. This was a tough pill to swallow. Everything I had done up to this point, getting clean, become successful in academics, was to one day provide for “our” family. I told her that if that’s what she wanted then I had no choice but to comply with her wishes. We ended up talking and trying to give it another shot. I told her if that was going to work that she wouldn’t be able to talk to this third person anymore. She said okay, but I am almost sure they continued to contact each other. The weekend that followed, we met up with some old friends in our hometown and we got drunk and while drunk she told me she couldn’t do it that she just didn’t have the fire anymore in our relationship. We were sad together and we decided to be with each other that one last night and we did. The next day we split ways. We would figure out where she would go later. Time went by and she kept saying things like “I love you” or “I miss you” still then she would stop, and it was very confusing. She would still sleep in the same bed whenever she was home. I then told her that I couldn’t do it anymore. I needed her to tell me outright what she wanted, that if she wanted to be with me then be with me, but if not then we couldn’t keep doing this to each other, it wasn’t fair to either of us. The spot in my bed and the person saying I love you to me is reserved for the person I am with, and that’s exactly what I told her. I also told her I didn’t want this but if that was what would make her happier then that’s what I wanted. She cried and told me she didn’t want this either, that she wanted to be with me. She wanted to work things out. Up to this point not matter how bad things got with her ex, or my indiscretions, to my knowledge neither of us had ever looked through the others phones. I never even thought about it. Until now. She came home that night after we had made up and we talked and she said to me, without me telling her, that she was going to stop talking to this third person. I told her I loved her and thanked her for that. The fact that she did that out of her own accord is what gave me hope that maybe this relationship would work in the end. Just maybe. He continued to text her though. Saying things like ” I miss talking to you” “If you don’t want to talk to me then fine, as long as that’s what making you happy, because that’s what I want for you”. She showed me these texts herself. So then of course I was curious if she was continuing to talk to him, I had suspected she was. We got drunk the other night with some friends and the next day I went to get her phone and looked at it real quick and saw that she had drunk texted him saying that she was sorry but that she was the fucked up one. She never told me about this. I don’t know if it stopped there and if she did that just because she was drunk and really wanted things to work out between us. We have come so far from the beginning. We were nothing more than teenage drug addicts when this started, and we have become respectful people who have the occasional drink. We have pushed each other so far. I looked through her phone today only to see that this guy sent her a good morning text and a snap chat as well. I haven’t told her about this breach of trust. Yesterday I had asked her if he continued texting her and she said yes, but dodged the question when I asked if she had responded then I asked if she had continued ignoring him and she said yes. She lied to me in this moment, or maybe she believed that she would save me the anguish and that her drunk text was to let him know that she wouldn’t keep texting him. Whatever it was she lied. Now I want to know if she had responded to him but if I look through her phone it will say the messages were read and I don’t want to do it anymore. I don’t know if I should wait to see if she confronts me with the truth, and see if this lasts, or if I should confront her. I don’t want to throw this all away, but I feel that maybe it is to far gone to save. She says she doesn’t have that same fire that she used to for me, but she wants to work things out. I just don’t know anymore.

Thanks for reading Victoria.

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Victoria Gigante December 31, 2013 at 12:15 am

Grayfox,

Thank you for sharing details about your story. Just an observation, but from your writing, it feels like the reason you’re staying with this person has more to do with your history than it does with the actual person. You’ve repeated multiple times how you both have “history” together. I understand how this can make it more painful to end a long term relationship, but it definitely isn’t a reason to stay. In all honesty, just based off of what you’ve written hear, it sounds like the two of you have grown apart. And at this point, it also sounds like you’re holding each other back. YOU tell ME why you looked in her phone. Do you trust her? But again, I think you need to ask yourself a different question:

Is the person you are with (not their POTENTIAL, and not who they WERE – the actually person, in their present state of being), still the person you want to be with?

Or has this relationship run its course?

Just my thoughts. Again, I only know what you’ve written here. Relationships are complicated. If you’d like support working through this, I potentially have an opening for one more coaching client.

Sending you peace + calm,
Victoria

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Grayfox December 31, 2013 at 5:26 pm

Victoria,

I believe you are right. I think this relationship has run its course. I have tried to make things work, and I felt that I owed that much to the history we have had. We spent the whole weekend together and on Sunday night I took her for a cruise in the city and made her talk to me, not in any sort of abrasive manner, just talk. She had dodged any bit of conversation having to do with “us” and I just knew after spending time with her over the weekend that things just weren’t the same as they once were, and it was time to let go and at least save our friendship. So I ended it. When we got back home she went to the bathroom and I got her phone to know the truth once and for all. I clicked to top button, unlocked it and then was about to press the message button that would que all of her texts and then I stopped and thought to myself “is knowing this fact going to make me a better person? Regardless of what I find, things are over and knowing the truth may only hurt me more and make me resent her as a friend for being dishonest, even when we both knew that this relationship was over”. I put the phone back in her coat pocket and walked away. I didn’t want to know the answer to the question at hand, it would only make this harder. I came to the conclusion that some facts are better left unknown. As a scientist, the pursuit of the truth is always my goal, to know how, why, when, where, Every detail, is one of the most important things in life, and now I realize that some questions really are better left unknown, sometimes we don’t know how it’s all going to work in the end. All that’s left to do is pick of the pieces of my life again.

You asked me before why I looked through her phone. After the way she had began acting, as if she had something to hide. I didn’t trust her anymore, she changed from the person who acted like she had nothing to hide, and all of a sudden there were details in her life I wasn’t meant to know. I lost the trust. I am not certain about if that’s who I want or not, everything doesn’t make sense currently. I am interested in being a client if you still have a spot.

Thanks Victoria.

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steve December 30, 2013 at 8:19 pm

Hi, i stumbled onto this site whilst trying to find some other information. After reading a little bit it sums me up in one :(,which I believed has contributed to another factor which I may be a slight cause of.Really could do with talking to someone about it. Thank you.looking through girlfriends mobile and jealousy,im afraid it maybe to late for help though.

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Victoria Gigante December 31, 2013 at 12:18 am

Steve,

It sounds like you’re going through a difficult time. If you’d like to consider coaching, I’m currently accepting 1 or 2 more clients. You can email me at victoria@victoriagigante.com.

If that doesn’t resonate with you, I highly recommend you seek out someone to speak with in your local community.

It’s never too late for help.

Sending peace + calm,
Victoria

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jeremie December 31, 2013 at 4:32 am

Hi Victoria, I recently enterd a new relationship, I have been with this perso for about a month now, I had met her ovee the internet, when we first started talking I had actualy been persuing another girl, as time went on my intrest and circumstances drew me to her, after a couple of weeks of talking we started dating but two days into the actual dating she told me she knows how I made her feel and that she loved me. I thought it was a bit early but the feeling was mutual. Pruor to me and her dating she had actualy gotten out of a 6 year relationship,we have talked about it and this guy just wasn’t that great of a guy supposedly. She tells me all the time that shed mine and she’s stuck with me, but a couple of nights ago I was feeling insecure and her ex boyfriend had sent
append to text her like 6 times in a row saying how he misses her and etc, but from what he was saying it looked like she. had been texting him stopped replying and deleted the texts, I had also seen there

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jeremie December 31, 2013 at 4:40 am

Had been some calls from him most of them missed but there had been a few answerd but the time was only 4 sec long. I had confronted her about it and said shesl has nothing to hide from me and that she’s not cheating on me, I felt really bda about a day of thinking about and decided to talk and apologize abou it, I told her I felt like I had destroyed some trust in between us and she agreed but I agreed to work on it and she was very accepting of me. Its been a week or two and everything is fine, but I still have these insecnts ure gut feelings time to time but I try to fight it because I want to establish trust in our relationship, she tells me all the time that she wants to have a future with me. Do you think this is because of insecurity? Or a follow your gut situation?

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Victoria Gigante December 31, 2013 at 9:04 am

Jeremie,

Thank you for sharing.

Re-read what you wrote to me. Here are some of the highlights:

1. You’ve been with this person “for about a month,” and there is a great deal of confusion and turmoil.
2. She told you she loved you “a bit early.”
3. You’ve looked through her phone. Her ex-has been in there several times. She has given you the impression that he “just wasn’t that great of a guy.” You add the word, “supposedly” to that statement.
4. She has stated several times that “she’s stuck” with you. (I’m curious: What comes up for you when she says this?)

Jeremie. You know the answer here. You’ve written it multiple times, in multiple forms.

My question is this: What are the reasons you’re staying with this person?

Victoria

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jeremie December 31, 2013 at 8:29 pm

what I had ment to say she always says “I’m stuck with her”, sorry for the typo there.
She’s a really good girl, and has been really honest to me as we have been dating, when I had confronted her about it she didn’t get defensive so that’s what makes me to belive that I’m just an insecure guy. She’s always texting me and wanting to know what I’m doing all the time, wich I think if she was intrested in somone else there wouldn’t be much communication ib our relationship.

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Victoria Gigante January 1, 2014 at 1:30 pm

Jeremie,

From your writing, it sounds like you FEEL a certain way (i.e. you feel like there are things going on in the relationship that just don’t FEEL “right”) – but you have a laundry list of excuses and justifications for why this feeling is somehow not valid.

You aren’t open to what I’m telling you, and you are questioning your intuition that is telling you something’s up. I’m curious why that is.

Either choose to trust yourself, or choose to trust her. Be all in, or all out.

Until you make a decision either way, there will continue to be turmoil.

Does that make sense?

Victoria

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Jo January 2, 2014 at 10:18 am

Hi Victoria
I have been with my girlfriend for nearly 4 years and am deeply in love with her. She is an incredible person in so many ways and I feel blessed to have her in my life. I have been cheated on in the past (20 years ago) and am also nearly 6 years out of a bad marriage. My girlfriend and I live together and I would like to ask her to be my wife in the near future as I have never met anyone like her and I feel we bring out the best in each other in so many ways. My problem is that a few months ago she went to a conference for a week and met a guy, originally she told me about this and said that they only chatted in the company if others but the conversations she said they had were about him being the father of her child. She was open about this and assured me that they never went further than conversation. It turned out that they had exchanged a number of emails and text messages that I feel we’re completely innapropriate, she stressed to me that I was taking this out of perspective and has promised that nothing has happened. We have discussed this and I feel that she should respond to him and tell him that there is nothing between them. We have since openly discussed our intent on marrying which we both want. Am I stuck? I really want to believe her that nothing has happened and spend my life with her but it is ripping me apart inside and I am sick of not being able to sleep. What do I do?

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Victoria Gigante January 2, 2014 at 8:25 pm

Hi Jo,

Thank you for sharing your story.

Let me share a few of my life motto’s with you:

1. If it’s not an absolute YES, it’s a NO.
2. Trust your gut.
3. People that ask for advice are usually just trying to avoid the fact that they already know the answer.

In your message, you mention that you want to marry this person. But then you proceed to tell me a story where she is interacting in a way that makes you uncomfortable.

Let me ask you something: Do you really want to marry this person, or do you want to marry the POTENTIAL you THOUGHT you had with this person?

Sending you peace + calm + clarity,
Victoria

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chris January 3, 2014 at 7:20 am

I was very concerned about my partners behavious when she started to receive texts, and then delete them immediately. She also used to leave the room quickly when calls came in. When I challenged her, she showed me her phone – there was nothing to see. I did some research and bought some software called CellPhone Data Recovery Pro – it enabled me to look at her deleted texts, as well as the call list, by opening the iTunes backup on our PC. That was a very different story! She was obviously seeing her ex, and it wasn’t as “just friends”. It wasn’t a pleasant experience, but some things you need to find out!

Take a look:

http://www.cellphonedatarecoverypro.com

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Victoria Gigante January 3, 2014 at 10:47 am

Hi Chris,

I appreciate you sharing your story. While this was an unpleasant experience, I hope that you’ve walked away with a greater trust in your own intuition. Clearly, you were spot on. But again, when our gut is telling us something, we usually are. 🙂

Victoria

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Steve January 5, 2014 at 2:43 pm

As I read through the messages here it hurts to think that others have endured / are enduring such horrible pain which I wouldn’t inflict on my worst enemy. I have no-one to talk to and felt that perhaps sharing my personal experience might alleviate some pain, stress and anxiety I’m now feeling. Sorry for the epicly long reply…

My now ex gf and I met on an online dating website in June of ’13, and it was your typical flourish of 100 texts a day, realising we have so much in common together, speaking on the phone for hours and checking my phone every 30 seconds to see if I had a new message (which I did). It was bliss, utter heaven and we clicked so well…or so I thought.
I’m 35 and she is 32, she lives in her own place with her dog and is a strong independant woman with a voice and brain to think with. She is very intelligent (credit were it’s due). but clearly lacks integrity as I’ve now painfully realised.
After about 3 months or so I noticed a change in her behaviour, she seemed to get more distant and aloof, which I attributed to having a stressful time at work, so I tried to be the good boyfriend and deal with some of her chores to help. She was behind with her hours at work and I took it upon myself to go the extra mile and take her dog out for a lunchtime walk, do the dishes, run the vacuum cleaner around – the little things that make life that bit easier you know? Anyway – I digress slightly…(trying to paint a picture as it were).
She’s always spent a lot of time texting on her phone – she has close friends which she speaks to frequently which is great because she has her own life whilst I have mine. We saw each other at weekends, but something started to feel wrong. I had that gut feeling that something was amiss (back in Nov). I sucked up my concerns and dealt with it in a mature way. She has been friends with her ex bf since they broke up in Aug ’12, and they speak often over text, but she always made it a point to keep the phone out of my view which started making me concerned. I promised I wouldn’t snoop but couldn’t shrug the feeling that something suspicious was going on. Anyway, cutting to the chase, this morning (5th Jan ’14) we were in bed and it was 10am ish. Without getting graphic I cuddled up behind her and kissed her on the neck and she jumped out the bed like a rocket and said I’ll go take the dog out for a toilet break!! I passed it off and said cheekily ‘hurry back’ kinda thing and she said she would. 2 mins later she comes back and grabs her slippers and dressing gown and disappears downstairs and puts the telly on! If that wasn’t sign enough that she wasn’t interested (and I stress that kind of incident has happened a lot lately), she left her phone on the bed. I rolled over to get out the bed and her phone dropped on the floor so I leaned over and picked it up and it was on the text thread to her ex bf. I took the moral high ground and didn’t look back through the history but I saw enough…he said “Whatever you do don’t marry him” to which she replied “I’ll just marry you instead ;)”
There was another comment about his manhood which I can’t bring myself to say because I’m so upset that it was happening right infront of me and I was blindsided by this shock.
I gathered all my belongings from her house and went downstairs and dropped the phone on the couch next to her and commented ‘you left your real boyfriend upstairs!’.
Whilst mad I still kept my cool and confronted her about it saying that it was COMPLETELY inappropriate and after all I’d done for her and to get this kind of treatment was utterly inexplicable and unforgiveable. She said some bs about it’s the kind of dynamic we have…to which I replied she spent more time focussing on her ex than she did with me which is why we’d drifted apart. Honestly I cannot remember the last time she kissed me passionately, or gave me a compliment or ANYTHING that would constitute any level of effort on her behalf. I told her that I deserve better and I grabbed my things and I left. I made the mistake of saying “I love you but I can’t be a part of a couple that has 3 people in it.” I grabbed my bag, tears rolling down my cheeks and left her house, her sobbing at the doorway.
It’s been about 9 hours and I’ve thrown up, been shaking, can’t eat, focus or do anything and I feel like such a stupid tw@t for not seeing this sooner or questioning the status quo when it could have made a difference. I miss her terribly and I’d do anything to turn the clock back to try and make it work but I’ve already realised I couldn’t do more than I already did. She chose to betray my trust, and to make me the optional accessory in her life. I deserve better, I know that but my god why am I the one that’s hurting so f’ing bad. I hope that anyone else out there reading this can find some comfort in that they’re not suffering alone, and whilst you feel your world is crumbling away from beneath you, I am right there with you. I miss her, I love her, I want her…but she doesn’t deserve me after throwing my heart under a train. I don’t want to find someone else…but I don’t want to put myself at her mercy through that torture and mental torment anymore. I’d rather be alone than with someone who doesn’t value my love as a precious rare commodity. Good luck to all on here, I hope you are more at peace soon.

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Victoria Gigante January 6, 2014 at 3:47 pm

Steve,

Thank you for sharing the intimate (and painful) details of your story. While it’s obvious that you are uncomfortable right now, please let the silver lining in this situation be the following:

You’ve made an empowered decision in your life: You’ve chosen yourself. You’ve chosen to acknowledge the truth in this situation, as painful and hurtful as it may be, and step into the discomfort rather than shove it under the rug.

Allow yourself to heal, and be gentle with yourself. It’s only a matter of time before you realize that this is a situation where you showed up in your life – where you showed up for YOU.

This experience will only HELP you as you move forward. Let this be the fuel that guides you to trust your intuition; the fuel that empowers you to continue to speak your truth; and the fuel that propels you into a life where you refuse to settle for anything less than the love and respect you deserve.

Sending Peace & Calm,

Victoria

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Ann January 7, 2014 at 9:54 pm

Hi Victoria. I have struggled with this before. It’s how I found out my ex was planning on hooking up with someone else behind my back. This is the part I struggle with though: if I didn’t look, how else would I have known this? He told me every day how much he loved me and how important I was to him. He was not going to tell me about her; he flat-out admitted it. So I would’ve been totally naive, continued to be with him, and had no idea what he wanted to do or WOULD do behind my back. I would’ve trusted someone who was good at hiding things, and could’ve ended up living with him or having a future. I just can’t help but think, how can you be wrong for looking when you found out the truth and who they really were? Especially if they tell you something to your face and say something else behind your back. You would have no clue whatsoever. I took full responsibility for my actions and I know they were wrong, and I apologized. He didn’t. So at the same time, part of me wonders, how can that be wrong when you find out they either plan on cheating on you or they already are? They’re not going to tell you and you don’t need to wait around for them and waste more time being lied to. I know snooping is wrong, and so is cheating. But wouldn’t it make sense that snooping exposes cheating? Or does that come down to gut feeling again? Because if you feel insecure and you look, your insecurities just get validated or proven right.

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Victoria Gigante January 8, 2014 at 10:14 pm

Hi Ann,

Thank you for sharing. I appreciate your questions.

It all boils down to YOU. Clearly, your gut guided you to check his phone. But this only exposes a deeper issue: In this relationship, you didn’t trust HIM, and the fact that you needed confirmation that he was cheating on you indicates that you also have a difficult time trusting YOU.

So that’s where the work is for you, Ann: In realizing that you deserve to be with someone that doesn’t feed into your insecurities, and also on trusting yourself.

Does that make sense?

Sending Peace & Clarity,

Victoria

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James January 11, 2014 at 10:46 am

Hey Victoria. I could use your advice on my situation. Before I get into this let me state a few facts. I am 32 years old, no kids. The “girl across the street” is 22 and has a 2 year old son…. So here we go!
I had a girl friend of 2 years. Things were good with us (best friends, but the sexual attraction dropped off for me the last while). I moved to a new city for schooling (welding inspection) and we stayed together as its only 2 hours apart. Well my first week here I met someone who lived across the street from me (house party with mutual friends) and we began sleeping together. I was straight with this new girl, told her I have a gf. Our sexual attraction for one another grew very quickly into more. She wanted to stop things a few times as it was” wrong”, but I kind of talked her out of it. As our connection grew over a two month period I decided to take the leap and I broke up with my gf for this new girl.
Well things became pretty intense quickly and we were saying I love you in no time. We were together for a month and things got more and more serious and then out of nowhere she ended things. She claimed that it was too much to fast and I pretty much scared her off (might be the age difference). Well I was pretty devastated. What was worse was she started hooking up with her ex bf a few times. Well as hard as it was I did the famous “no contact” rule and she was messaging me within a week. We started texting and she agreed to talk. I explained to her that I took all my feelings that developed from a 2 year relationship with my ex and dumped them on her when we got together. It wasn’t fare to anyone involved and that I was sorry for that. I told her that I loved her and that I wanted to work things out. I had no interest in being her friend, and wanted to be together. After we talked we kissed and I left. I felt like we were going to work things out, but she told me she just couldn’t do it. So I stopped talking to her again. She hung out with her ex 2 more times that week while I didn’t speak to her (living across the street from someone and seeing her ex’s vehicle in the driveway is very hard). Well that week went by (no contact) and sure enough, I get a text asking me to come over when I can and if we can talk. Well this time I didn’t reply for 24hrs. Then I told her that we need to forget all this stuff and just let me take you out on a date. I wanted to show her how much fun we use to have before things got so heavy with emotions etc. Well we had a great time at supper and she invited me to come with her to a party she had planned on going to later that night. She was holding my arm, touching, kissing etc… so we pretty much got back together that night and we are now happy together and things have been good(for the most part).
This entire back story leads me to this. Due to my trust issues (I’ve been cheated on in the past & have cheated), and everything that happened with her, I just don’t feel like I can trust this girl (gut feeling). I feel like she talks to other guys. Now I have had these feeling about my last girlfriend too, and she pretty much had to earn my trust over time (which she did). I asked her if she was still talking to other guys (including her ex) and she told me who she had spoken to, but it was nothing inappropriate… but my suspicions didn’t totally go away. So last night I found myself debating looking through her phone…and then I did it. I did not find any messages about her hooking up with guys or anything like that. What I did find was a message thread from a guy who she met at a party. This was the same party that she and I went to the night we hung out and got back together. She obviously gave him her number that night. Well I read through the messages and all it contained was him texting her to meet him down town (looking to hook up I assume), but she said she was sick (not,” no I have a bf”). Well 8 days pass and they haven’t spoken, and SHE MESSAGES HIM… just something simple (“what’s up”), and after the small chat he asks her if we are together, and she says,”Yes we are together”. That was 3 days ago. So do I confront her on the fact that she messaged this guy? I am pissed that she would initiate the conversation. Why would you text someone you know wants more than just friends? All of the other messages I read through to friends etc. were all positive things about me and how happy she is with me. So do I bring this up? If so how? Or do I sit back and keep it to myself, but look at her phone one more time in a week or two and see if there is anything else going on there? I don’t want to call her out on something minor(she not cheating) and end up damaging our relationship… but at the same time I feel like I need to call her out on it. Or, do I just let it go? As you have read, I am no saint, but I have had a few girls text me over the last few weeks and I have blown them off. I truly want to give this relationship a real go. Any advice from you and your readers would be a great help

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Victoria Gigante January 11, 2014 at 9:12 pm

James,

Thank you for sharing the details of your story. It take courage to make yourself vulnerable and speak so openly.

You’re missing the point with all of this. Re-read what you’ve written. This is a girl that is wavering all over the place about wanting to be in a relationship with you. Is it really surprising that she’s texting with other guys? That you can’t trust her? Look at her behavior.

You know the answer, and you feel it. But you’d rather say you have an old wound then acknowledge what’s really going on here.

Relationships require vulnerability. Vulnerability means that there will always be the potential for getting hurt. So, saying that you have baggage from past relationships is where YOUR work needs to start. Working through that will ultimately result in attracting partners you actually CAN trust.

Does that make sense?

Sending Clarity,
Victoria

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Jenny January 12, 2014 at 8:35 pm

Victoria,
Thank you for your words. I agree that if everyone got a little better at trusting their inner voice, life would probably be a lot smoother…

I am spending the night of my son’s first birthday in a strange hotel room instead of with his dad at his condo because I listened to the devil and looked at his phone. My son was conceived during a one-night stand in April 2012. His dad lives over 9 hours away from us and he visits every 6-8 weeks. As we got to know each other better, the relationship grew physical and we agreed to see how things would go. After a few months, he told me he was having trouble because while the physical stuff was very easy, the “couple” stuff was hard because he wasn’t ready to be in a relationship. We took a step back, but said if we were going to be involved with anyone else, we would say something to the other person out of mutual respect. 2 months went by and it was the typical up/down situation. Sometimes he was flirty and other times very business-like. I started to suspect his attention was elsewhere, but he denied it if I asked. This weekend, our son and I traveled to his town for the first time to spend his birthday with his dad and sister. Everything started out okay, but yesterday he was very attached to his phone. I ended up looking at it and saw texts that more or less confirmed he was sleeping with someone. I debated saying anything, but I did and it imploded. I’m now the worst person on the planet and he’s not sure how we can co-parent now that I have violated his trust. He denied what I saw and said it was innocent flirtation. I apologized, but am strangely happy I did it because I can now stop thinking about the fairy tale I dreamt of. Though I know it was wrong, it’s helping me. But I do wish, as you wrote, that I could have trusted myself enough going into this that I wouldn’t have gone that far…

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Victoria Gigante January 15, 2014 at 8:18 am

Jenny,

Thank you for sharing your story. It sounds like you are conflicted about how this situation rolled out. On one hand, you feel validated by what you saw in his phone; on the other hand, it’s created a rift in your relationship with this man.

From what you’ve written, it doesn’t sound like this man is interested in pursuing something long term and serious with you. I know that may be painful to admit; however, the sooner you can come to terms with that, the better. This man is basically spelling it out for you – he’s not ready.

Can you accept that?

Let me ask you something: Do YOU want this relationship to work? Do YOU want to be with someone that isn’t sure they want to be with you? (And if so, WHY? Let’s talk about coaching).

Another tough question: Are you just trying to make this relationship work because you have a son with this man? Is trying to force a relationship really in the best interest of your son?

A lot to consider. Uncover the reasons why you really looked through his phone (What do YOU really want vs what the dynamic has been). Come to terms with the relationship as it ACTUALLY is (not how you WANT it to be). And move forward.

Much more to say – that’s all for now though.

Sending Clarity,
Victoria

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sam January 15, 2014 at 5:12 pm

Hi Victoria . I’ve read through some of your conversations with this topic and i figured if you could help me. I’ve been with my girlfriend for almost a year now and a few months back, i was playing a game on her phone and on the notification bar a msg popped up from a guy that i had never heard of. i clicked on it and in their conversation, (which didn’t have too many msgs, he sent ” i want you too be my girl”, etc. this and that. My girl surprisingly didn’t jump out and say i have a boyfriend,etc or defending our relationship. She simply said “i need more than space” and i was like ????????????? that’s basically the big picture. we love each other and shes looking forward to getting married, kids, the whole 9 yards, really.But in the future which im okay with. But that conversation, is still in the back of my head. and any advice is appreciated!!!! PS: i never told her that i saw that conversation on her phone.

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Victoria Gigante January 15, 2014 at 7:27 pm

Sam,

I’m not 100% sure I understand the story entirely, but from what you’ve written, your girlfriend wrote “I need more than space.” To me, that sounds like she was telling this guy to go away. Remember, these are text messages, so a lot gets lost in translation. Based on what you’ve told me though, it just sounds like some guy that’s hitting on your girlfriend – which probably happens a lot more than you even realize.

My biggest question for you is this: Prior to seeing this random message pop up, did you feel even remotely insecure in the relationship? Did you have a reason to check her phone, or doubt her commitment to you? Because it doesn’t sound like it. To me, it sounds like you unintentionally got in the way of some guy putting advances on your girlfriend. If that’s the case, consider letting this go. If, however, you have reason to believe that your girlfriend is in fact behaving in a way that you don’t approve, then I’d recommend having an open conversation with her about how you feel.

Sending peace & calm,
Victoria

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sam January 20, 2014 at 12:39 pm

thanks for responding!

And the answer is yes. But know i feel pretty stupid that i didnt react fast enough to confront her. And i have a question : Do you think her sending me these long texts of how she loves, etc. to me is some type of guilt??

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Victoria Gigante January 20, 2014 at 6:05 pm

Sam, You are asking the question, but only because you already know the answer. Trust yourself. -Victoria

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sam January 21, 2014 at 12:34 am

But she has shown me that she does deeply love me and and other then this happening, I really dont have a doubt about her love and feelings towards me.

I really do appreciate your help.

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Victoria Gigante January 21, 2014 at 9:11 am

Sam,

The bottom line is this: No matter what I type here, you’re going to find a rebuttal. Why? Because you want things to be a certain way. It doesn’t sound like you’re open to looking at things objectively. Often times, when we seek advice, it’s because we already know the answers, we’re just afraid to admit them. We’d rather live in the “unknown” than face the truth.

So, you know the answer Sam. All I know is what you’ve written here.

It’s very telling that you’re questioning things so much, and THAT’S what you need to consider. If you truly felt safe and secure, would you even be writing to me?

Victoria

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sam January 21, 2014 at 5:04 pm

Victoria, i guess youre right. Thanks again

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Victoria Gigante January 23, 2014 at 10:41 am

Sam,

It’s not about being right. It’s about trusting yourself, and acknowledging the truth. Only you know what that is.

-Victoria

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John January 22, 2014 at 3:16 pm

Really enjoy reading your advice Victoria. How do you differentiate intuitive (gut) feelings versus paranoid jealousy? I’m struggling to determine if there are any merits to my feelings that there might be more going on between my wife and her male colleague or if I’m just paranoid/jealous because she is friends with another man and enjoys his company.
They work closely together in a very rewarding yet stressful job, have a ton in common, respect each other, and get along very well. Our families have been friends for several years and we get together every few months for dinner. They don’t ever do lunch, hang out for drinks after work, or spend any time together outside of a work related function. He’s a really nice guy, but they just seem to be too chummy for my liking.
About a year ago, she was getting ready to go to work. She had texted him telling him she was running late since they had a meeting. I heard her phone beep for his return message and picked it up to bring it to her as I know she was running late. She snatched it out of my hand and told me it was rude to read other peoples messages. She surprised the heck out of me in doing that, so I confronted her immediately and asked why she did that (since it was completely out of character for her). She apologized and immediately gave me back her phone and told me I could read whatever I wanted to.
I did not want to breach our trust, but finally succumbed later that night and went through nearly a year of their prior text messages/emails. There was nothing ever sexual in nature, nearly 90% of them were work related, and they never complained about me or his wife, but there was still a level of familiarity and playful bantering that made me uneasy (in jokes – swearing – just a bit too casual with each other). There was just a level sincerity and urgency in her communication with him that I did not appreciate. If he did something nice for her (work related), she would reply “thank you so much, it really means a lot to me” rather than a simple “thanks”. Also, she would respond to his texts nearly immediately every single time.
We actually get along great, have had no prior issues, and I have never had any reason not to trust her before. I just can’t shake this nagging feeling nor stop the urge to check on her periodically to make sure their conversations have not turned romantic. I understand I need to trust my instincts, but if I look at this objectively I really have nothing concrete to go on other than some circumstantial evidence and what appears to be two colleagues who have a lot in common, feed off of each others energy, and relate to each other.
Although, I have previously had jealous feelings something more might be going on between them, I was never tempted to open Pandora’s Box and check her phone until after she acted that way. I’m in a catch 22 in that I feel like an idiot for not trusting her and an idiot for possibly being naïve for ignoring circumstantial occurrences.
After as long as we have been married without prior issue, shouldn’t I give her the benefit of the doubt rather than acting on intuitive (or paranoid) feelings fueled more by random odd behavior and friendly texts with a colleague.
I have spoken with her about how I feel and she has assured me that nothing was ever going on and they work well together and have fun in the process. Could this merely be simple jealousy since she is close with another man. I have always understood that some men are okay with their wives having male friends and some men are not. Maybe I’m not okay with it and that is what is driving my fear. If so, how can I shake it and not ruin our marriage? He is a colleague, so there is not much I can do about it and I certainly don’t want her not to have friends. Thanks for your help.

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Victoria Gigante January 23, 2014 at 10:40 am

Hi John,

Thank you for sharing your story.

One thing is fairly obvious: Your wife and this guy have a great relationship, and what your gut is telling you is that there is definitely chemistry between them – chemistry that extends beyond their working relationship. Does this mean that your wife has done anything physical with this guy? From what you’ve written, it sounds doubtful. That doesn’t mean that what your gut is telling you isn’t REAL.

What is it about this relationship that is REALLY bothering you? They spend A LOT of time together – probably more time than even you and her spend together. Doesn’t it makes sense that they are so close? Could this possibly be the root cause of what’s bothering you?

As her husband, and as someone that wants to make this marriage work, all you can control is YOU. How can you work on YOUR connection with your wife, rather than focusing on the connection that she has with this other guy? Because the more you harp on it, and the more you push your jealousy and insecurity into the relationship, the more likely you’ll push your wife away (and possibly into the arms of another man).

Really, all you want is a greater connection with her, right? To experience a similar (even greater) chemistry between the two of you?

So communicate THAT with her – rather than throwing out accusations based in fear. Focus on how YOU and HER can have the best chemistry possible.

Now, if you DO focus on your relationship and start to sense resistance – well, then that’s a whole different story. Let’s take it one step at a time, though.

Trust her. Love her. Focus on YOUR connection to her. And see what happens.

Make sense?

Victoria

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Chris January 23, 2014 at 5:12 am

Hey Victoria, cool stuff in your article and I’m trying to working on being less insecure. especially when there’s no reason to which has been my biggest problem. See in past relationships I’ve been cheated on by two separate women and it hasn’t been pretty. Since then I’ve just been unable to fully trust any girl I’d date since, I hide it fairly well but I feel like its preventing me from being 100% happy in my relationship.
I feel like I have what could be true love here, at least I like to think that. But I always find myself snooping, looking for a flaw or something to keep me from just enjoying it. I’ve never even found anything bad, an ex texts her every now and then she never responds to, some random people on facebook would try to hit on her, but that’s to be expected. She trusts me with her passwords for stuff, I feel like using that to snoop unwarranted is a violation of that trust but I keep finding myself doing it anyway, which only makes me feel worse.
Basically my question is, how do I keep myself from feeling insecure when there is absolutely no reason I should at this point? My gut tells me she’s “the one” but at the same time my gut is having a hard time letting me trust anyone.

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Victoria Gigante January 23, 2014 at 10:53 am

Chris:

Head. Heart. Gut.
You have to find the balance between trusting all of these.

You’ve been cheated on in the past, so it makes sense that your gut twists at the thought of possibly getting hurt again.
Your heart is telling you that you love this woman – that she’s “the one,” in fact.
Your head intellectually understands where all of your fear and insecurity is coming from.
Your gut (where your emotions arise), however, is being triggered by past emotional trauma.

Sometimes, we can be deceived by our emotions. When there are repeated patterns in our past, our emotions can be triggered when something similar pops up (similar to PTSD). This doesn’t mean you must REACT to those emotions. You can CHOOSE to step aside from them, look them in the eye and say, “Ok insecurity and doubt, I UNDERSTAND why you’re showing up right now. I’ve been hurt in the past. I’m CHOOSING to detach from you because you’re just a symptom of my past. I will RESPOND to this situation, rather than react.”

You’ve developed these insecurities and fears for a reason, and your gut response to check up on her is a behavioral pattern you developed as a survival technique. At one point, this served you. Now, however, it does not. So it’s time to recreate a NEW behavioral pattern. It’s time to UNDERSTAND where those initial reactions are coming from, and logically work your way to the root cause of where they are coming from.

Then RESPOND to the situation that’s actually presenting itself, not the one you’ve created in your mind based on fear and insecurity arising from past fears.

Does this make sense?

All of this takes time.

-Victoria

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Chris January 23, 2014 at 6:37 pm

Victoria, you really know what you’re talking about. You’re right. I have it beat into my head that something will eventually go horribly wrong but I have to choose to ignore that feeling, because this is the one time where it is absolutely wrong and I truly believe that.
You’re absolutely right, I have to detach myself from those negative emotions and be the guy I know I am.
Thank you very much for the quick response.

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Victoria Gigante January 23, 2014 at 8:08 pm

Glad to help, Chris.

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John January 23, 2014 at 7:58 pm

Victoria, thanks so much for your help. It’s funny as it never really occurred to me until you spelled it out so eloquently. We did go through a state of complacency for a bit and it was not until I saw how great of a relationship she had with her colleague/friend that it hit me. I had let things slip for a bit too long and took our marriage for granted. Not that things were ever bad, rather ordinary instead. Since I had that epiphany over a year ago, I have been working really hard at being a good husband and our relationship has never been better. I guess that I was expecting her relationship with her colleague/friend would diminish when we rekindled ours and since it did not, my gut kept telling me it might have been too late and that there was more to it than a colleague relationship, thus thrusting me into a protective paranoia. I thought he took what I had and I wanted it back. Thanks again for everything.

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Victoria Gigante January 23, 2014 at 8:09 pm

Awesome awareness, John. Glad to help.
-Victoria

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MrsGee January 23, 2014 at 10:39 pm

What do you do if your intuition is so strong it should be a 6th sense. I have been married for 27 years. My husband had a 4 year affair and countless other inappropriate relationships with other women. Every time I found out anything, I had this unexplainable strange feeling something wasn’t right and would do things to snoop without any conscious effort. It was as if somebody was leading me and I couldn’t explain why I did what I did. Each time I would find damaging evidence and after the first time he lied to me about what was going on. It seemed like Divine intervention. I’ve been feeling something isn’t right lately, but did not have the strong feelings I’ve had in the past. Today I went in his laptop bag because I was helping him with something. I can’t explain why, but came across an envelope and opened it. It contained samples of Viagra and Cialis. Three of the Viagra pills were missing. I confronted him and he became very angry that I “violated his privacy.” He reacted in a way that was very familiar to me when he had lied in the past. He claimed he was embarrassed so he didn’t share this with me and also he took them to have sex with me. I’m having an extremely difficult time accepting this as truth. We’ve never repaired/restored our marriage completely because he refuses to go to counseling. Am I being paranoid? I recently reached a point where I thought I was ready to move on, but last weekend we spent some time together and I guess I got my hopes up again. I am very upset and hurt. Is there something wrong with me?

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Victoria Gigante January 24, 2014 at 11:37 am

MrsGee:

Thank you for sharing your story.

Trusting our intuition can be scary. However, you’ve proven on several occasions that your intuition is spot on, and that you’re in tune with something greater. So I don’t think you’re actually asking me if you’re being paranoid. In fact, I think you already know the answer to all of these questions.

The only part of your message that concerns me is this: “We’ve never repaired/restored our marriage completely because he refuses to go to counseling.” You follow this question up with another question: “Is there something wrong with me?”

Here’s what I’ll say to you: Empower yourself so you can take action. You can’t change him, but you can work on YOU. This is exactly the type of work I do with my clients.

There’s nothing wrong with you. You already know the answers, MrsGee. The question isn’t, “Am I being paranoid?” The question is,”Why am I NOT being EMPOWERED?”

Peace + Calm,
Victoria

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Dale January 24, 2014 at 5:23 am

I was insecre for years and worked hard on sorting it and I did.i never thought id be able to be thar kind of guy that has no worrie what so ever my girlfriend did as long as she was happy. I think I was really settled with a new born and and just got a place together, I was the happiest id ever been. Until the past year by I felt kike she was not paying much attention to our relationship but I put it down to me working 6days a week to pay for our house and kid. Still I checked her phone and found she had been sending dirty texts to an old friend of hers, and she even asked prior to me knowing if it be ok for her to go to the cinema with him and stupid me here said yes because I believed she loved me and was happy…. anyways now she say im ruining the relationship because im insecure and have trust issues becuse I cant get over her having made a mistake which to her was just flirtatious fun with a friend……. so what do I do now. Bad apple? I love her and want to improve again but its so hard and she is not willing to help or compromise on my feelings. My advice guys check there phones

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Victoria Gigante January 24, 2014 at 11:46 am

Dale,

Thank you for sharing.

There is a reason you’re struggling to move past her flirtatious texts: It’s because you feel UNSAFE in the relationship. The reason you feel unsafe is because it sounds like your girlfriend is not taking responsibility for her actions. She violated your trust, yet now considers what happened to be “just flirtatious fun with a friend.”

So the reason you feel unsafe is because she’s invalidating what happened and how you feel about it. If you knew she was remorseful, and was committed to rebuilding trust (i.e. better communication, etc.), things might be different. But she’s not; instead she’s basically telling you you’re an idiot for thinking there was anything wrong in the first place.

It makes total sense that you feel insecure. Of course, you can check her phone again – but to what end? How long will you continue to do that?

Don’t address the symptom; go right for the root cause of the pain. Checking her phone is just a temporary sense of relief for a much greater breakdown in communication.

Does this make sense?

Victoria

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Zack January 28, 2014 at 3:15 am

Hi Victoria,

I happen to come across your article and it make sense to me. However I am more interested in your replies to the comments the readers posted. I have some issues too and I really hope that you can give me some guidance/advice/reference to improve my relationship.

I am in the first relationship with a girl. I believe i am very insecure and very easily get jealous. I tried to work on it for the past half year. Initially I tried to control her and restricted her from texting male friends and going out on a 1-on-1 date. That was really wrong and it is my issue. I acknowledged my fault and got to “accept” that she has her own life and I cannot restrict anything.

The problem is I still cannot bring myself to fully accept that. A few of the reasons for this I can think of is that sometimes she get flirty with her male friends. For example she will send kissing emoticons through messages and social networking sites or she will be very touchy to guys in front of me. I am extremely uncomfortable with it. Another thing is that one of the guy in the clique was her ex and she did not told me about it until I found out from another friend. Another male friend she has was crazy over her for a period of time before we got together. Now, she still goes out on a casual meal with these male friends 1-on-1.

Many times when we go out together she will whip out her phone to surf social networking sites and text friends. I feel very not respected. I feel that if she is so obsessed with her phone she might as well not go out with me. Which really defeats the purpose of interacting with me. She uses her phone when we have sex as well. I talked to her about it. She apologized but still continues to use it (though she tried to minimise the usage). Also, when she text friends I will naturally take a look. I have no intent to check up on her and it is just a natural reaction when I am talking to her and she suddenly whip out her phone. But when she realizes i try to take a look at the phone, she hides it away from me. This made me suspicious and uncomfortable.

When I confront to her about it she usually gets angry or upset and most of the time we will end up in argument even though i try to tell her how i feel honestly. Am I too controlling? Am I too insecure? Do I have a lack of trust? Am I unreasonable? I am not restricting her of going out with guys anymore btw..

Another problem I have is that I feel really not loved by her. I have this feelings from many small details. I will try to find a few example (I cannot state every example here).

1) She says she is too busy with her studies to go out on a date with me. She says she is too tired or inconvenient to meet me for a meal. However she has time to go out with her friends to shop the WHOLE DAY. She has time for her involvement with her CCA (voluntary, she helps out occasionally).

2) She has no interest in me. She will ask me about my day. When i go in details about my days how it was and how i felt.. What happened… etc etc.. she just replies “ok” almost all the time. Other times she will just talk about herself.

3) When I bring issues up in the relationship, EVERY SINGLE TIME it will end in quarrel/arguments/cold war. I tried to put it politely and in a nice tone. However things just dont work.

4) She can stop texting me by waiting and typing birthday messages to her male friends 20 mins in advance. However for my birthday she just texted me “happy birthday dear” 5 mins late. ( I know i am being fussy here, but doesn’t it reflects something?)

5) She has never done something nice for me out of her own initiatives. Every time she does something nice it is because I did something nice for her. I find it very depressing. I mean… Don’t we do nice and romantic stuff/surprises because we want to do it and see our partners smile? And not because our partner has done something so we should return.

6) She never wants me to meet her friends. This is also causing my jealousy issues because I don’t know what she does with her friends, how she converses… Whether there are any flirts… I mean she is very touchy and she likes flirting.

These are just a few of the examples… There are many more. I just want to know if all these examples mean anything at all? Am I too insecure and do I have trust issue? I know I am being a jerk by controlling her initially and that is why i have changed for the better. Honestly I am very tired of all these. It feels like unrequited love even though we are officially in a relationship. I am considering to break off with her. I understand that if these were my issues, then in my next relationship with another girl I will face the same problems again….

I am really troubled. Please provide me guidance. I apologize for the really long post and bad english.

Best Wishes and Respect
Zack

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Victoria Gigante January 28, 2014 at 10:42 am

Zack,

You don’t need my guidance. Re-read what you wrote.

I’ll highlight some key sentences:

“I feel very not respected.”
“Another problem I have is that I feel really not loved by her.”
“She says she is too busy with her studies to go out on a date with me.
“She has no interest in me.”
“When I bring issues up in the relationship, EVERY SINGLE TIME it will end in quarrel/arguments/cold war.”
“She has never done something nice for me out of her own initiatives.”
“She never wants me to meet her friends.”

Why is this OK?

All you can do is express your desires and needs, and communicate openly and honestly. Once you’ve done that, it’s up to her to meet you half-way; to either hope on board and adjust, or to present a compromise or counter-argument. If she’s not doing her part, then the issue becomes YOURS – meaning, you have a decision to make: Is this OK or not? Can you live with this relationship the way it is or not?

You know the answer here, Zack. What are you afraid of? That’s what you need to look at.

Sending Peace & COURAGE,
Victoria

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Zack January 28, 2014 at 11:03 am

Victoria,

I tried to confide in some of my friends and even one of her good friends. And this is not the first time I see your reply… “you have a decision to make: Is this OK or not? Can you live with this relationship the way it is or not?”

You are right. I knew the answer from the start. I am actually hoping things will turn out better and we will eventually come up with answers to our issues… No one will be able to give me a satisfiable answer other than her. I will give it some time… *with hands clasped together tightly*

I am feeling better now. Thank you a lot! Really! I appreciate your time and effort to read my comment and reply. Thanks! 🙂

Cheers
Zack

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Victoria Gigante January 28, 2014 at 11:07 am

Zack,

No problem! Just one last thought: You say, “No one will be able to give me a satisfiable answer other than her.”

Incorrect. She’s giving you her answer. Every time she ignores how you feel, not only is she giving you her answer, she’s actually SCREAMING IT.

Look inward and let the answer arise from within you. Then, step into your fear.

-Victoria

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Zack January 29, 2014 at 11:28 am

Alright! Really thanks Victoria! Thank you so much! Your reply makes me very comfortable. Thank you thank you thank you!!!

Zack

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Mike January 31, 2014 at 11:10 am

Hi Victoria,

I just came across this page today and I really like the advice you have given to people and I was hoping you could help me with my situation. I will try to give you the short version of the story.

I started dating a girl a little over 2 years ago and we were together for about 8 months. I broke up with her because I believed we both needed time apart to figure ourselfs out. She was not motivated, she had some personal things going on and I wasn’t happy with our relationship. It crushed her. I was ok with staying friends because I still loved her, cared about her and I didn’t want her out of my life completely. So a about a month later we started hanging out again because of her persistence and started to talk about trying things again because we missed each other and we both improved ourselfs with our direction and attitude in life. I then realized I made a mistake by breaking up with her, I should’ve tried to work things out. During our time apart she started to get close to another guy which was a close friend. Long story short she ended up picking him over me. I found out by her friends taking her phone pretending to be her and they said “I am over you and I found someone new so leave me alone”. It crushed me but to be honest I don’t blame her for doing this since I broke up with her. Her reason was because she knew him long before me since they were long time friends and couldn’t just end it with him. I said some really mean things to her because I was crushed and because of the way I found out and we didn’t talk for a few months after that. I apologized to her for what I said and I told her I didn’t mean it which honestly I didn’t. Then every couple weeks she would text me and I would text her back and I would still try to get her back. This continued and then we started hanging out, sleeping together and then she would vanish, ignore me and not talk to me for a couple months all while still in a relationship with this guy. She did this twice, lied to me each time making me think she was going to come back to me. The third time she came back to me begging for me to take her back, she confessed her love to me and apologized for everything she did. She said she wants to live her life with me and she wants to end it with him. (I’ve heard that before). This happened about 4 months ago. She told me she ended it, he came and got his things from her place and she said it was over. Things were going well for a while but I felt something was off in my gut. So I made the mistake and looked at her phone. Come to find out she received flowers from him a month and a half ago, lied to my face about it and they were saying I love you to each other. (I would’ve never known if I didn’t look at her phone!) A couple weeks before that she stayed for a week with her sister in the same city as him and I think she cheated on me with him then. I don’t have sure proof, but from her history and how they were talking it seems like she probably did. I was willing to let all of the past go and so was she until she did this to me. The difference in my mind is that before, we were not together so what she did wasn’t that bad, but now that we were together it kills me because she betrayed me and our relationship. That was the first time she lied or cheated emotionally or physically while we were “together”. I confronted her, she cried, said I’m sorry and insisted she didn’t see him over that week and didn’t physically cheat but she obviously was emotionally cheating. She said he was on the verge of commiting suicide because he was so hurt so I tried to be understanding. Not sure if that was true or not. So I said I forgave her and told her she is going to have to earn my trust back. I thought I really loved this girl and I do believe she loves me too. I feel bad I broke up with her and I take blame for that. But how much can a man take!? She has been good lately in the aspect of not talking to him anymore (so it seems). She said she blocked his number and him on facebook and twitter. I do not check her phone anymore because it’s wrong and she got a new phone with a password (which is a red flag). So here I am today and I don’t know what to do. I don’t trust her and it is affecting how I act around her and how we interact with each other. I think I am falling out of love with her because I think she is just lying and doing things behind my back all of the time. I have never lied to her. Is it time to say goodbye for the last time? Or can our relationship be saved? If feel like we have talked about this so many times and it is not helping me trust her. I feel like she will just do it again. I really want this to work but I understand that trust is the foundation of a relationship. Any help would be appreciated. Thanks.

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Victoria Gigante February 1, 2014 at 8:18 am

Hi Mike,

Do you feel better now?

When I read what you’ve written, you aren’t asking me anything – yes, there are a few questions at the end of this long paragraph – but to me, it just sounds like you’re venting.

You say you don’t know the answer. I’m calling you out: You DO know the answer. You just don’t like it.

“But how much can a man take!?”

You tell me: How much longer are you willing to put up with this? Because every day you CHOOSE to stay in this cycle is one more day you aren’t moving forward – one more day you aren’t healing.

Don’t date people that won’t put both feet in, and that aren’t clear about what they want.

Sending Courage + Clarity,
Victoria

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Daniel February 1, 2014 at 12:58 am

Hey Victoria
Alright iam a junior in high school and iam going out with this girl who’s a freshmen
We’ve been going out for almost 5 months and I’ve already tried to get into her phone but she physically hits me and freaks out even if she doesn’t feel like freaking out when I take her phone, she says she has nothing to hide and I used to believe her, she has admitted to still having feelings for her ex for the first 3 months we’ve dated and she says she doesn’t anymore but the fact that I found out about this just now when we’ve been going out for the past 5 months makes me feel like crap,
My question is she broke my trust already and I tryed getting past that but now she’s all protective over her phone what should I do?

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Victoria Gigante February 1, 2014 at 8:32 am

Daniel,

You’ve dated this person for 5 months, 3 of which she had feelings for her ex. You view this as a violation of trust, so now you try to check her phone. And she hits you. I’m assuming this hitting is in a playful but annoyed manner – like, “Stop violating my privacy!” kinda way.

Which you ARE doing – you ARE violating HER privacy – it’s HER phone. This is her space, and she’s letting you know that YOU are violating HER trust by taking it.

If her having feelings for her ex is a deal breaker for you – then you don’t need any more proof to make a decision. Either trust the fact that she opened up to you, and stop trying to prove that there’s more to it – OR move on. But violating her trust by trying to check her phone is just going to make you look like the bad guy.

Make sense?

Victoria

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John February 1, 2014 at 11:04 am

Hey Victoria, it’s John again. I did have one more quick question for you if you do not mind. I was hoping if you could give me a better idea of what you meant by resistance. Things have been much better as indicated, there are times I feel as though I am an obligation for her though. For example, we’ll spend the afternoon together and then go out to a nice dinner. I’ll suggest afterwards that we go for drinks and hear a band or do something additional after the dinner. Periodically it seems as though she will qualify our relationship and say something like “We spent the whole day together. Why do you have to push things”. I’m stuck as I’m not sure if I am simply too demanding or needy of her time or if this is what you would consider as resistance… It kind of makes me feel like she is doing things out of obligation when she says things like this. We do a ton of stuff together, it just bothers me when she basically tells me we’ve done enough fun things for the day. What are your thoughts. Thanks a bunch, John.

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Victoria Gigante February 3, 2014 at 5:59 pm

Hi John,

My thoughts are this: Forget everything that’s going on and examine how you FEEL. To me, it’s pretty straight forward – there is something (many things) about this relationship and this person that are leaving you feeling confused and unsettled. You’re questioning everything, and left scratching your head, doubting your every move and thought.

Trust your gut and take action. Stop resisting what is. I know how you WANT to feel with this person; you are resisting how you ACTUALLY feel though.

Does that make more sense?

Victoria

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confused February 2, 2014 at 4:31 am

Dear Victoria, gosh… judging from the length of this thread, so many couples go through this. Pls offer me some advise if you can! I really feel as if I’m going crazy.
My girlfriend and I have been together for nearly 13years and I have always trusted her. A little over 2weeks ago she talked to me about feelings and thoughts she’s been having, not for anyone specific but a sense of ‘is this really the only person I’m ever gone be with for the rest of my life?’ she says she wants me to be but that there’s a part of her questions wether she’s missed out on having some fun.
I really respect her honesty in talking to me! 13years is a long time and i actually kinda felt i understood these thoughts but then i was alone and paranoid and i did it. I signed into her Facebook account, knowing that she had been messaging ‘friends’ on there (one ‘friend’ in particular who I am quite sure wishes they were more ~ and my partner admits that too) Her messages were all deleted. She tells me that she’s always done that, in part in case i go on there and misinterpret. Pls note… I have never snooped on her messages before! I told her how i was feeling – to be honest overnight I’ve kinda turned into jealous psycho girlfriend. She says she loves me and there’s nothing going on but she’s changed her passwords now for ‘my sake’ There was a reason a few days later that her phone was left at home with me and a message came through for her, my reaction completely irrational; i was convinced at first glance that it meant so many more things than when my sane head returned i realised/believe it is innocent. It’s been a very emotional week but the last two days we’ve talked and more 🙂 it’s been really wonderful and then last night i asked the direct question, have you had a private message from so and so and my girlfriend said yes, she proceeded to tell me the whole (brief) conversation that they has had but i still asked to read it for myself ‘deleted’
I sense that I am wrong. I can’t believe i have this major trust issue!!?! My girlfriend and i for so many reason have only really had each other for all these years, now it seems that she wants to have these girls to chat too and what’s wrong with that? but it coincides with her telling me that something inside her is confused just now. I am so so scared I’m gonna lose her. Last night we had a really terrible fight. I want to just accept whatever I need too and keep us together but i really feel sick with irrational jealousy pls pls help

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Victoria Gigante February 3, 2014 at 6:03 pm

Dear Confused,

Thank you for sharing a bit about your story. Here’s what I’d say: There’s a greater issue going on here. Strip away everything you’ve written and it all boils down to this: You and your girlfriend need to have an open and honest conversation about these recent feelings she’s brought to your attention. Expectations about how you’re both going to move forward need to be CLEAR. Lay out ground rules. Gain a full understanding of this shift in her emotions, and the implications it has on your relationship.

You’re feeling insecure because there’s a lot of confusion right now. Communicate. Clear up the confusion. Be direct and avoid violations of trust to find answers you could more easily obtain through conversation.

Does this make sense?

Sending peace + calm,
Victoria

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Dale February 5, 2014 at 9:51 pm

Hi…so we had a good talk were working on it. . Trying to spend more personal time together its been good only the insecure feeling is still there I know its going to take time but I have realised now im just so over protective and not in a good way. The other night we was in a pub and a friend of her dads was there she didnt really know this guy who was in his mid to late 40s bearing in mind im 26 shes 29. It was all going great for our first night out together for a long time and this guy chating to her was really friendly until the end of the night. we got our coats on about to leave and he came upto her to give her a hug… this was ok untill he asked her where her boyfriend was meaning me.i then saw his hand move down and he grabed her butt with a squeez she told him to get off . But within seconds im pulling his hand off her and putting him in an arm lock againt a wall. Im worried now with my insecurity can my jealously be turning into somthing I dont and violent

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Victoria Gigante February 6, 2014 at 8:51 pm

Dale,

Thank you for sharing. It sounds like you’ve uncovered a new awareness about yourself. This is AWESOME. Now you have a choice: Ignore it and hope it sorts itself out, or actively work to grow through it. I’m happy to hear that you had an honest and open conversation with her. These are all great steps.

-Victoria

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simon February 3, 2014 at 5:27 am

Hello, I’m a young man of 24 and havn’t been with my girlfriend long so this is very difficult for me to talk about. Myself and a girl met and quickly became more “seeing each other” and as I have always been open an honest I have been around a bit.. however I do not easily get into relationships, however we are very compatible very loving and when we’re together we are one of those couples you see in the street and envy, we laugh joke play tease and involve random people. We are best friends and boyfriend girlfriend together. I started to very quickly have doubts as she went through my phone very quickly, I had nothing to hide and laughed it off but as they say it’s usually guilty conscience. Before the relationship started I said I don’t get into them lightly, I can deal with deal and try to work on anything but I don’t do dishonesty, as for me its a double whammy, it means they have done something you dislike (strike 1) and then lied (strike 2) She went out with her friend to the cinema with her best friend, an ex and his best friend 3 weeks into the relationship, to which I was obviously a little concerned. a few hours later when casually asking about the film she was taking a lot longer to reply than normal she had told me she had just got in and her phone was on charge. The next day I found out through snapchat that she had gone back to their house and lied to me about it obviously saying she had gone home. I confronted her she lied again until I sent her the picture, she said she didn’t want to be there she was there for her friend. We split up and to be fair to her she travelled for an hour to see me to resolve the issue which In the end we ended up ok. The next day I picked her up from home and we was out late at a mcdonalds and she started to get defensive over some girls looking at me, and she had been on her phone all night texting which was strange. This time knowing she lied previously while she was asleep I picked up her phone. I picked it up and down 4 times because I did not want to do it but it didn’t feel right. I went through the phone and found while drunk she had been suggestive (to be fair just flirty) with a guy she was out in town with, I found out she had also kissed another guy on a previous occasion. I woke her and asked her if she had done anything else I would dissapprove of and she said no to which I pointed out the evidence. To be fair we was seeing each other when she kissed somebody else and the messages weren’t too bad, we worked through that also. We then spent a whole weekend together and everything was awesome other than a multitude of messages and snapchats facebook messages from guys that I had never heard of, seen or seen her talking to/about before. Since that weekend I havn’t felt right, we argue every weekend because she tends to go out with 1 friend who I know doesn’t want me to be with her, her story changes about what happens, she ignores me, becomes very distant, lies to me. A lot of small but noticeable differences with her and I do not feel I can trust her at all. She insists the problems are in my head but it’s now becoming more of an issue as she went out said it was just her and a friend to which I was meant to accompany but she just ignored me didn’t tell me when she finished work and went out. A new guy was texting her who she said was from work and he had had her number for ages but they bumped into one another in town, since then she has spent a lot more time at work (works in a pub and has been staying after hours) she doesn’t tell me when she’s finished she gets drunk there with them and sometimes I don’t even know if she got home safe. We had a massive argument over everything, I have confronted her, she apologized for her off behaviour recently but says she cant deal with the arguing even though she conceeds to the fact of how it looks suspicious and secretive. I know every argument hassles her more and pushes her away. I know I should end the relationship which I have 3 times, but she is even younger than me, I know she wants me because when we’re together it’s amazing, it’s at the weekend it all goes crazy. I think part of me thinks she wants the long term relationship and stability and when the weekend arrives she wants to have fun and forgets all about me. We spoke on the phone for 2 hours tried to work through everything, I have repeatedly told her my concerns without looking through her phone since the initial time. We are meeting today but she is unaware this is the make or break situation, if it’s all in my head I need validation, I know it will aggrevate things but I want to look through her phone and find out what has been going on. I will of course give her a last opportunity to confess to anything no matter how small. If she is honest and things havn’t been too bad I will try, if she is dishonest and I find things it will be over, more for the prolonged insecurity she has made me feel knowing that if she was honest I could work through it, having given multiple opportunity to confess. My worst scenario is this.. that she refuses me to look through it, surely past experience tells me I’m right to want to look? To find out exactly whats happened for better or worse? Even if it’s the end of the relationship I would feel vindicated in myself to trust my gut. If she refuses I intend to say well if you want me to trust you overnight and you want things to work and get better as you say then on this final occasion you will do this for me you and the relationship. If she still refuses I know something has happened that she doesn’t want me to know or she just doesn’t want me. I don’t want to give an ultimatum but I have given plenty of chances

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Victoria Gigante February 3, 2014 at 6:10 pm

Simon,

You don’t need to look through her phone to trust your gut. You can trust your gut RIGHT NOW. You know something’s off. Why do you need proof? Have a conversation with her – a REAL conversation – and explain how you’ve been feeling. COMMUNICATE with her, and tell her that you’ve noticed a major shift in her behavior.

All of this phone checking is missing the point. You already know you can’t trust her, Simon. How much more are you going to take of this? What do you want from this relationship? Try communicating that to her and see if she’s on the same page – because it doesn’t sound like she is.

Make sense?

Victoria

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freddy February 6, 2014 at 9:44 pm

I’m looking for some advice myself just the other day I had this gut feeling since things are rough in my relationship right now and she hasn’t talked to me very much recently that she was talking to someone else so I asked her about it and she got defensive an insisted that she hasn’t and I don’t trust her so the next day I decided to look at a cpl social networks an sure enough she had been talking to an ex so I screenshot the evidence and again confronted her and she insists I’m crazy and psycho an I told her I knew for sure she has an she says tell me who I’ve been talking to then and I show her the evidence she still tried to lie about it and I made fess up everything an she turns it on me saying they talked as friends and not how I’m thinking but she told me when they talked there were I miss yous and we need to hangouts the more I tried talking about it the more she tried to dodge it when I told her that it made me completely uncomfortable that she talks to him she tells me they’re just friends and I’m controlling but she has given me a few reasons concerning this particular guy for me to be concerned but she tells me that everything from before our relationship is irrelevant and no matter how much I think she’s in the wrong she always tries to flip it on me I really love this girl but I need some kind of help what should I do in this situation?

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Victoria Gigante February 7, 2014 at 8:39 pm

Freddy,

Thank you for sharing your story.

Try this: Read the following statements, which were pulled from YOUR comment to me, and pretend that a friend is saying them to you:

“I don’t trust her.”
“I showed her the evidence and she still tried to lie about it.”
“No matter how much I think she’s in the wrong, she always tries to flip it on me.”

What would you tell your friend in this situation?

Remember, I only know what you’ve written here – but you’ve written some VERY powerful statements.

Freddy, does this person bring out the best in you?

Peace + Calm,
Victoria

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freddy February 8, 2014 at 4:45 pm

Ok yes this girl brings out the absolute best in me, the day I wrote the first comment I gave her the ultimatum that it was either him or me an she completely avoided it so by yesterday morning I had a change of heart an realized by me telling her not to talk to him was being like her first love that I promised I wouldnt be like so I agreed that she can talks to who she wants bcuz maybe I’m wrong and 2 ppl that were in a relationship before can just be friends bcuz I’ve never had feelings for my exs after the matter, I do have major trust issues I will admit since the problem wen she’s here she shows me full attention an assures me she only wants to be with me and no one else but wen she’s not with me she’s still not textin me very much and she still talks to this particular guy in your opinion do you believe that I may be right in thinking she has feelings for this guy? Or that she doesn’t and I could just think negatively everytime I feel threatened?

freddy February 8, 2014 at 4:49 pm

Also I would like to clear up that i didn’t say I don’t trust her she said I don’t trust her and that’s how she flips it on me saying how I snt trust her and all I’ve been doing is talking shit an starting arguments with her

Jean February 10, 2014 at 5:54 am

I know the signs because I’ve been there before….my partner had been texting his ex. He tells her he’ll try and visit and that he misses her etc I did say to him that there’s no point in being with me if he’d rather be somewhere else…he assured me it wasn’t like that…..and said that he’s just friendly and talks to ex’s
The other night he was acting weird round his phone….So, I looked didn’t i.
There was text between him and a woman called Julie, very suggestive he even told her what a great lover she was…..
He’s still in touch with his previous partner, they tell each other I love you
I know what I should do and that’s probably walk away. I wish I didn’t love him but I do….
He must look at me and think I’m a proper idiot. I know he’s a people pleaser he’s told me that much himself and I know he wants or feels the need to keep everyone happy. He’s eight years separated from his wife. He still runs about after her to. There where texts between them. Him offering her a lift home from her work and all the while I’m there at his!…..
We spend the weekends together. During the week we both have work commitments
Help….please

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Victoria Gigante February 10, 2014 at 9:26 pm

Jean,

Is playing second to all of these other women OK with you?
Are you afraid of ending this relationship?

I’m just asking questions.

Sending Peace & Calm,
Victoria

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Eric February 11, 2014 at 11:12 am

Hi Victoria, I’ve enjoyed reading your advice and was hoping that you could help me. My girlfriend and I have been together for 2 years. About 1 year ago, I found out she was cheating. My gut had been telling me the entire time. It finally got the best of me and I checked her phone and that’s how I found out. I understand what you’re saying about not having to check the phone but bringing up your feeling head on. It makes sense. At the time however, I felt like it would start a fight/make me seem paranoid/make her hide it better/never know the truth. We eventually got back together and the first few months she was very sensitive about my trust issues and didn’t mind being on a short leash to make me comfortable.

Now, it’s been about a year later. She’s no longer on a short leash.. Things are laid back. She hasn’t cheated again, as far as I know. But I still don’t fully trust her. It’s always in the back of my mind, you know? Yesterday, it was triggered and brought into the light though. She was showing me pictures on her phone and scrolled too far and a picture of a random guy appeared. I asked her who it was. She nervously said (exact quote), “I don’t want to.” Twice. She
quickly deleted the picture.Then she hesitated and nervously gave me a story about how her mom knows him or some crap.

Every red flag in my head is going up.
1. She wouldn’t let me even hold her phone when she started showing me pictures. She’s been very protective of it.
2. The look of “oh crap” on her face when the picture came up.
3. She didn’t want to tell me who it was.
4. How fast she deleted it.
5. The nervous bs story.

I called her out on it. She tells me I’m being silly and that I overanalyze things but she isn’t mad because she knows what I’ve went through. So now I’m doubting my gut… But I guess the real issue is that I don’t trust her. What can I do to trust her? I feel like I’m the one with problem. The constant worrying eats me up inside. I’d like to be able to trust, but how do I do it? Please share your thoughts.
Thank you.

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Victoria Gigante February 12, 2014 at 4:42 pm

Eric,

My thought is this: You aren’t being paranoid. From what you’ve written, it sounds like you’ve done your best to trust her – and it wasn’t until she got sketchy with that photo in her phone that you’ve now started to really worry again. Since your relationship has a history of cheating, I’d hope your girlfriend would be more sensitive to your need to know who that random photo is – instead, she’s somehow gotten you convinced that YOU’RE the one with the problem.

Your gut was right the first time. Why aren’t you trusting it this time? Also, you say you’re being paranoid. Eric – I think you’re being smart. What’s that famous saying? “Fool me once – shame on you. Fool me twice – shame on me.”

Sending peace & clarity,
Victoria

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Mani February 15, 2014 at 1:02 pm

Dude, are you serious ?!

You’re not the one with the problem – she is. You’re right all the way, check her messages whenever you can if you have doubts, if you don’t see anything dodgy check them less frequently until you’re happy with your feelings or doubts.

I disagree with Victoria. I’ve been in a relationship where she cheated on me for about 2 months even though we had chats together regarding my doubts, but she was so sneaky and always got away with it, but I still felt something is not right. So what do I do? I’ve spoke to her, but she just denies everything, so that means everything is ok and I’m being deluded? Because I had a feeling she’s cheating I wanted to make a decision whether we should split up or not. Should I make my decision based on my feelings? But what if I’m wrong, maybe she is telling the truth and everything is ok. Leaving her would be a mistake! So what do you do in this situation? You get proof! I’ve started reading her texts, but she was cheeky and was deleting them so I couldn’t find any proof there. I’ve then managed to get access to her mailbox and read few emails which confirmed that she is a cheat! I’ve ended the relationship the same day, she was very surprised and angry that I’ve manage to find out her secrets.

Females are very manipulative and never stop looking for something better, they always compare and would rarely (if ever) tell you “let’s split up, because I think I might have feelings for the other guy and I will give it a go, if it doesn’t work out I will come back to you”. You have to be one step ahead and keep an eye to protect yourself so you don’t get hurt in the end.

My mate told me that his gf received a semi-nude picture from her male work colleague (he is gay) as a happy Valentines wish. I’ve asked how he feels, he responded – bad, because the fact he sends such a picture to her means they might have a very open minded conversations back at work and who knows what else they’re up to. Now, if he didn’t check her phone and didn’t see that picture he would be ok right? Yes, but that doesn’t change the fact the he sent and she received such a picture.

Think about it, if you have nothing to hide would you mind if your other half (not some stranger) reads your stuff? I wouldn’t.

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Victoria Gigante February 15, 2014 at 1:13 pm

Mani,

I appreciate your comment, and your explanation sharing your point of view. I also appreciate that you disagreed with me in a respectful way, so thank you for that!

One thing I will point is that you’ve completely missed my point in this article. You say this:

“I’ve been in a relationship where she cheated on me for about 2 months even though we had chats together regarding my doubts, but she was so sneaky and always got away with it, but I still felt something is not right. So what do I do? I’ve spoke to her, but she just denies everything, so that means everything is ok and I’m being deluded? Because I had a feeling she’s cheating I wanted to make a decision whether we should split up or not. Should I make my decision based on my feelings? But what if I’m wrong, maybe she is telling the truth and everything is ok.”

My point is this: TRUST YOUR FEELINGS. What are they telling you? Obviously in this relationship, even after the conversation you still didn’t trust her. So it comes down to this: Is it your own insecurities and jealousy based on old wounds OR do you simply not trust her?

YOUR FEELINGS are exactly what you must pay attention to!

The need for proof is tackling the symptom – not addressing the root cause of the issue.

Regarding your mate at work: I don’t know enough about this specific incident to comment on what you’ve written. All I’d ask is what compelled him to check the phone in the first place?

Again – I appreciate you opening this dialogue and sharing your point of view. Have an awesome day!

Victoria

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worried lion February 12, 2014 at 10:32 am

Hi,
I have been together with my wife for 12 years and married for 9. A few weeks ago I had a feeling in my gut that something was wrong. She had gone out with friends on a Saturday night and didn’t get home until about 3am. She didn’t come to bed until about 5am. The next morning when she was in the shower I saw her cell phone on the ground so I opened it and looked at her text messages. I found that she was sexting with someone she met that night. When she came out of the shower I confronted her about it and she explained that it didnt mean anything and that they were “just words to a stranger” and it didnt mean anything. I asked her if anything happened between them and she said no and said it wouldn’t happen again. We decided to work on fixing us but I don’t feel like I can trust her. She keeps a lock code on her phone and sometimes I can see the code when she types it in but she is always changing it. A few times I have walked into the bedroom and she quickly puts the phone down. I am at a loss as what to do. I love her and I want things to work with us but I am always worried that she is cheating or sexting still. I’m at a loss on what to do or how to confront her about this.

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Victoria Gigante February 12, 2014 at 4:47 pm

Dear Worried Lion,

Thank you for sharing. It sounds like you’ve conveyed how much that sexting incident bothered you. Whether or not cheating was involved, it makes sense that you are having difficulty trusting your wife – especially since she doesn’t seem to be making an effort to be transparent with you – in fact, she’s become more secretive.

Have you considered couples therapy? The reason I say this is because it sounds like your wife isn’t fully understanding how much that incident affected you, and that trust needs to be rebuilt. You can attempt to have these types of discussion with her on your own, but I do think that having someone objective in the room would be extremely valuable.

More transparency is needed – communicate that with her.

Sending peace & calm,
Victoria

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Olivia February 12, 2014 at 3:54 pm

Hey Victoria,

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year and are very serious. We have plans to move together to a different state next fall to continue with college. He already lives with my family in our ouse (long story) so we are with each other pretty much 24/7.
We are very much in love and generally I feel like there’s a lot of trust between us. He’s never really had a phone for long periods of time, but I do. I never text my ex’s and rarely talk to other guys.. when I do it is a mutual friend of ours.
Regardless, he is always on my phone and reads through my messages like it’s nothing at all. Honestly, it doesn’t really bother me. I have nothing to hide and he knows it.
Recently, he bought a phone and the first person who texts him is his only ex girlfriend. He knows it bothers me because we have been down this road before, but he continued to chat with her. For some reason, I feel uncomfortable looking through his texts. I want to, but I feel like if he saw me he’d be “catching me.” But, he is always in mine, so I don’t understand what the big deal would be. I ended up letting him know how it made me feel when he talked to her, and he said “well you can read them” and I’m thinking “I know I could, that’s what we do isn’t it?” Later, it was still bothering me so I decided to read them and they were deleted, up until the most recent one. I got mad at him (that was my fault) and he voluntarily deleted her contact. I believe that is only fair because I deleted my ex’s numbers for him! What really is still bothers me is I can tell he disagrees and that he doesn’t see a problem at all with talking to her.
There was only one instance where I texted my ex, and that was when he texted me and I proceeded to ask him how he was and make some small talk. When he saw the messages, he deleted them and I could tell he was jealous. I thought he finally would understand how it felt and would never contact his ex again.
Now, I really don’t think that he is talking to her about anything inappropriate, just catching up. But he always has a conversation with her if he gets minutes, if he gets a new phone, or if he is away from me for extended periods of time (I know this because he sent a picture to me and her number was listed as the other recipient). He does not text any other girls. His younger sister always used to joke with me that he was going to leave me for her, and one time she did call him on the phone when I was with him and he continued to have a conversation with her. I would never do that to him and I know it would drive her crazy.
I just feel really bothered by all of this and even hurt. I feel it is a double standard and he is disrespecting me by continuing to talk to her when I do not talk to my ex’s because I know it bothers him. What is the need to talk to her and only her anyway? I don’t want to let it go (even though he finally deleted her contact because I don’t want him to start think of me as controlling and want to talk to her even more now.) Am I being irrational?!

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Victoria Gigante February 12, 2014 at 9:30 pm

Hi Olivia,

Thank you for sharing your story.

To me, it sounds like you’re both very enmeshed in each others lives. I’m curious what your social networks look like, outside of your intimate relationship and family. From the way you’ve written your comment, it seems like your boyfriend might gravitate to his ex because he doesn’t have many other strong connections in his life? Also, he sounds extremely dependent on you and your family. Since you’re both living together in your family’s home, privacy is already limited I’m guessing? AND you share/check each other’s phones?

I understand what you’ve asked me in your comment – about trust and him speaking with his ex. However, I think that’s just a symptom of a greater issue. To me, it sounds like the two of you need to start establishing more healthy boundaries in general. With those boundaries, you’ll learn very quickly whether or not you trust each other.

Does that make sense?

Victoria

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Olivia February 14, 2014 at 4:11 pm

It does make sense. It’s funny because someone else remarked that we do spend *a lot* of time together. And while it’s never forced, it’s natural for us and we both enjoy it.. there are times when I feel the need to get away to my friends and obviously he feels that way too. And talking to his ex could very well have been an outlet for that. We talked about it and resolved the “ex thing,” but you really are right in that we can both grow as people if we create a little more space between us. Being female, (and I’m not saying this to offend any other women seeing as I am one) it’s really easy to get jealous or over analyze things that your man is doing. But when you take a breather and just take a break thinking about it, I think we can think more simply about these things and realize they aren’t always as blown up as we make them out to be.
Thanks Victoria 🙂

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Johan February 12, 2014 at 10:22 pm

Hi all I’m looking for some advice. The story is I’ve been dating this chick for a month and two weeks and everything was going well chemistry was running high but on our last date she left her purse in my car and since she didn’t have pockets to place her cell phone she asked me to hold it and so I did but tours the end of the night I go to the bathroom and her phone starts vibration so I glanced at it and what I saw in her text messages was disturbing to me. A conversation with some guy in which he was saying to her hey you ? She replied with hey or w.e then he says you I would love to wine and dine but you don’t want to see me and she replies with and who said I don’t want to see you.

So I didn’t say anything but inside of me I was disappointed. But the thing is she actually shows interest in me but I’m not sure what to make of all this

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Victoria Gigante February 13, 2014 at 9:04 pm

Johan,

Have you both committed to being exclusive? The relationships is still pretty young, so I’d recommend having an open and honest conversation with her about your expectations. Perhaps there is a communication gap. If not, and you are both clear that you are committed to being exclusive, then you have to decide how you feel about her text messages. Can you trust her?

Sending Peace & Clarity,
Victoria

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nora February 13, 2014 at 8:58 pm

my bf and i days just broke up after month and a half seeing each other almost daily and going on 2 trips, having an amazing time together ….10 days after i broke into his phone.
him:im sad …. i’ll let u go baby, lets remain friends because he couldn’t get over the fact that i went through his text messages to find out he was flying in his match maker and she was scheduling interviews w 10 girls. Then the whole thing was turned around agains me, breaking the foundation of any relationship as he stated it. The trust. He was really sad on the phone and barely finding words just repeating i just can’t get over this!:(

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Victoria Gigante February 13, 2014 at 9:08 pm

Nora,

What compelled you to break into his phone in the first place? Clearly you were on to something because you found evidence of cheating when you looked. I’d say the learning lesson here is to trust your gut in the future – trust your intuition. Regarding this guy: If he was planning on getting set up with 10 different girls, was he really all that serious about you and your relationship? I know you’re in pain, and I feel for you. Just think about where this relationship was headed though if he was willing to fly in a match maker.

Breathe.
Victoria

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nora February 14, 2014 at 12:30 am

thx Victoria,
i normally don’t trust guys especially a rich man at 53, very head strong with his own issues and fears who’s never been married, no kids and longest relationship 1.5 years. Though very sweet, caring and loving but deep inside i wasn’t sure since we never discussed exclusivity, i didn’t want to waist my time, i just needed affirmation that he’s serious in exploring this relationship and i knew only his phone has these answers. though a bad idea cause it back fired at me….

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Victoria Gigante February 15, 2014 at 12:40 pm

Nora,

One thought about what you’ve written. You say, “I just needed affirmation that he’s serious in exploring this relationship and I knew only his phone has these answers.”

Incorrect. HE has these answers. Effective communication and trust are the cornerstone of a healthy relationship. If you can’t flat out ask your partner for this type of confirmation, then there is a greater issue going on that needs to be addressed. Further more, if you do ask and don’t trust his answer, this also needs to be addressed. You must look within yourself and address your OWN insecurities, as well as develop a trust in your intuition. Both of these things, when addressed, can help set you on the course to developing a more successful and fruitful relationship.

I hope that helps.

Victoria

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Incognito February 17, 2014 at 8:42 pm

Hello.

I am in this relationship with a woman same age as mine (30). I was asking about her ex(one particular is on FB and she has 2 photos with him while they had broken up though) and the other works to a place where she goes(a certain bar). We have a basic difference: she dont want to know about my past and she avoids talking about hers while from my perception, i want to know about her ex and some details…more importantly i want to know their names and faces, nothing else.She denies to show me this guy that works to her favourite bar….he was a friend with benefits but she had feelings for him right before we start the relationship,though she claims it ended one night(she told me that that night and we still were not together). I looked up her fb,nothing suspicious from the guy with the pics, the bar-ex has no facebook or so she claims but without a name i cant tell… so i cant stop her from going there…but she claims they dont talk…i asked her to take me there and she hesitates cause i wouldnt like it or i wouldnt like the music….its clear that she dont want me to go there,isnt it?

Anyway, maybe she needs more time to feel comfortable to talk about it….i dont know….let me know if we can directly contact through skype and talk about it.I will give more info.

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Victoria Gigante February 18, 2014 at 12:45 pm

Incognito,

Thank you for sharing a bit about your story. It sounds like there are some miscommunications occurring in your relationship, as well as misaligned and unclear expectations.

If you’d like to explore coaching options, feel free to email me at info@victoriagigante.com

Sending Peace & Calm,
Victoria

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Maddie February 18, 2014 at 12:48 am

Hi Victoria,
My boyfriend of one year and I have a great relationship and we live together. I am a college student full time and he works full time. He’s told me he’s not attracted or interested in any other women, but he’s got a lot of good friends at work. One is a girl a few years older than him, she is 24 and he’s 21. She’s probably one of his best friends at work but he doesn’t ever hang out with her or anyone outside of work. He just started working there a few months ago so it’s not like they go way back. He spends the whole day at work with her and then texts her at night after work and on weekends. He is always texting her and it’s always a book. I don’t snoop I’ve just seen him text her. Whenever I text him I get the minimum response. It really makes me feel hurt, unloved and jealous because I am his other half and he doesn’t bother to text me back when I’m at school or when I’m away from home or pay attention to what I’m saying when I text him. Is it normal for me to feel this way and should I do anything about it? I’m hesitant to say anything because I don’t want to tell him who to text or not text..but i just feel unimportant and unappreciated., and quite frankly I don’t get why he needs her so badly 🙁
Thanks,
Maddie

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Victoria Gigante February 18, 2014 at 12:49 pm

Maddie,

It’s not about the text messaging – so don’t make it about that when you speak to him. A conversation definitely needs to be had though. Your gut is telling you that he is placing too much attention on this other relationship – but what you’re really saying is that you “feel unimportant and unappreciated.” Focus on THAT – because regardless of whether or not he’s texting with another female coworker or not – THIS is the root cause of the pain.

Be clear with what you’d like to see change in the relationship BEFORE you sit down and speak with him. Remember – it’s not about the text messages – it’s about how you FEEL.

Make sense?

Victoria

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Caiti February 18, 2014 at 12:40 pm

Hi Victoria,

So I recently searched through my serious boyfriend (of 6 +years) text messages. We are long distance and talk every night but I can’t help but feel like I am not a part of his life when we are apart during the week. This is why I felt the need to look in his phone, because we are apart a lot and there were a few times in the past girls have texted him about various things and I didn’t think it was appropriate. (topics regarding: relationship issues, being that go to male friend, etc) We talked in the past about this and he agreed to stop talking to them.

In recently looking through his phone, I found messaging back and forth between him and a girl he and his father used to personal train for sports & she was looking to get recruited for sports at his school. (much younger in age)

At first, I thought it wasn’t a big deal but later as I scrolled I found that she had flown into town to look at the college and he had spent time showing her campus, going to lunch with her and her grandmother, and helping her with some performance testing his PhD sports lab she needed for the soccer coach. All seemingly innocent, but he never told me about this girl or helping her. The ironic part is I had seen this girl had texted him the week before so when I inquired who she was he replied just someone he was helping getting recruited from home. BUT he failed to mention she was there the following week and he picked her up from the airport and spent time showing her the campus. Why wouldn’t he mention this and come clean if it was as innocent as he says? He simply states that it was a small amount of time he spent doing a favor someone meant nothing to him and he didn’t see it as a big deal. He apologized for not having better communication and understands why I would be upset. He promises to have better communication.

Now honestly, I know nothing physical or out of the ordinary happened but now I feel like our trust is violated. I mean we are talking about getting engaged soon and I don’t want to bring trust issues into a future marriage. We have talked about this multiple times at length but I can’t bring myself to get over why he simply wouldn’t tell me something as simple as – I am showing an old personal training client of my dad & I’s the campus and helping her get recruited. And this wouldn’t be a normal occurrence considering the girl is from the east coast where we are originally from and are now in Texas.

Any thoughts would help. Working on moving forward and seeking help because I love this person and want to spend the rest of my life with him.

Thanks,
Caiti

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Victoria Gigante February 19, 2014 at 8:48 am

Caiti,

You say that, “The ironic part is I had seen this girl had texted him the week before so when I inquired who she was he replied just someone he was helping getting recruited from home.” You wonder why you felt inclined to check his phone? That was your intuition indicating that something wasn’t right. You trusted it, and found that he did in fact see this woman more than he let on.

This isn’t about accusing him of physical involvement with this other woman. This is about COMMUNICATION. Since you are in a long distance arrangement, there needs to be a level of transparency beyond the norm.

Communicate what you’d like to see moving forward to help ease this perceived violation of trust. Give him the opportunity to show up in the relationship. Work together to solve this – consider this an exercise for handling future compromises that will be needed if you choose to get married.

Victoria

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Susanne February 20, 2014 at 2:08 pm

Dear Victoria,
I met this man 7 months ago on a dating site. I had not long split up from my abusive husband and he had separated from his partner although were still in the same house until they could fine alternative accommodation. From our first meeting we got on really well and intimacy occurred almost immediately. We managed to spend days together or weekends away so in my eyes we became close quickly. We have always been very comfortable around one another. from the onset I told him I believed in honesty as trust was a big issue for me as having had a cheating ex partner previously. he has always said are friends but we both said that if we got fed up with each other we would say and then meet others. he came off the dating site he did not want a relationship and I know I am not emotionally ready. So I suppose we have needed each other. I was happy just enjoying spending time with him. However a few months into out friendship I found out he had rejoined and I asked him about it. he denied it and said he did not have the time for dating sites with spending time with me etc. However a friend of mine was also on the dating site and found him and chatted to him and his intention was for meeting up. Although they never did. I confronted him again and he owned up and apologised. I have always said if he wanted others to tell me because I did not want to be part of him seeing other women and me just resorting to being a friend without the intimacy. I had grown to like him and care for him. Since then I have always had a doubt. but he did say the he was not sure that he wanted other women and why go somewhere else when what he had was good. he later has said that he does not want anyone else. We have always communicated every day chatting via text and Skype. However since Christmas and he has now got over his ex I find that I have become jealous as he mentions fit women he sees at work. I always say well why don’t you go out with them and he always says he does not want to. They are too young and he enjoys me. We live forty minutes away from each other so I used to see him every week for two to three days at a time. He is busy with work and his daughter so now I see him when he has time. Our conversations have got less and he used to be quite open and I knew what he was doing more or less in the week. Now I don’t as he does not say or expand on things or becomes vague as what he is doing. I cannot check as have no transport. But sometime I wonder if he is actually seeing someone else. he used to say to me if I wanted to see others he did not want to know. I always said but I would want to know. I am scared of being hurt but don’t want to drive him away for something he has not done. He says things that sometimes make me wonder. he plays mind games with his ex making her believe one thing when he does not feel the same. I often wonder if he does the same to me. I have him and my children in my life. he has been so good to me but I don’t know the best way to approach my feelings of mistrust. Any advice would be wonderful
thank you

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Victoria Gigante February 21, 2014 at 4:33 pm

Susanne,

If you re-read what you’ve written to me, the answer may become very clear to you regarding what needs to happen in this situation.

You entered this relationship not having fully healed from an abusive situation. This man has shown you that he is deceitful (the dating site situation), and has started to pull away. To me, it sounds like you are avoiding doing what you know needs to be done.

Answer this question: Are you afraid to be on your own?

Notice I didn’t say ALONE – because Susanne? You are NEVER alone. Do you believe this to be true?

This is definitely something we could work on in coaching – taking empowered action to move forward.

Peace + Clarity,
Victoria

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Suzanne February 24, 2014 at 3:20 pm

Hi Victoria, I know what I have to do but I find it difficult because he is good to me and takes me out and buys me things. My situation is difficult and I have not much money at the moment and because he knows and understands my situation I am not ready and feel embarrassed to explain things to. I am reluctant to say goodbye because I don’t want to be on my own
thank you
Sue

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Suzanne February 24, 2014 at 3:26 pm

Hi Victoria, I know what I have to do but I find it difficult because he is good to me and takes me out and buys me things. My situation is difficult and I have not much money at the moment and because he knows and understands my situation I am not ready and feel embarrassed to explain things to another person. I am reluctant to say goodbye because I don’t want to be on my own
thank you
Sue

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Victoria Gigante March 12, 2014 at 6:38 pm

Fear of being on your own is NOT a good reason to remain in a relationship, Sue. Focus on overcoming that fear – figure out what you REALLY want in a relationship, and empower yourself to be able to go out and live the life of your dreams.

Sending Courage,
Victoria

Victoria Gigante February 24, 2014 at 6:25 pm

Suzanne,

Let me boil down what you’ve written regarding your fear of ending this relationship:

1. He’s a good man. He take you out and buys you things. (Is this your definition of a “good man?” What else makes him a “good man?”).
2. You don’t have a lot of money. This man understands that, and you feel embarrassed to explain your situation to someone else. (How much of your desire to stay with him revolves around your fear of not wanting to reveal this situation to another man? Have you considered the fact that you are perfectly capable of making a living on your own? Or do you believe that you must rely on another person – a man – to live?).
3. “I am reluctant to say goodbye because I don’t want to be on my own.” (No questions here – just a comment. This is NOT a reason to stay with someone).

Suzanne, what’s one empowering step you can take for YOU?

Sending peace & calm,
Victoria

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Suzanne February 28, 2014 at 11:44 am

Hi Victoria, In answer to your first question, Well as my previous partners have not been ideal in way or another to me he is a good man in respect of the treatment I have had previously. However I may not know what a good man really is…..

A good man to me must be one who treats me like I am the best thing that has walked into his life. he treats me with respect, he values me and my opinions, he trusts me, he listens to what I have to say ,we can talk about anything, if we disagree we can chat and solve issues without fear of being hurt, ignored, punished; we are equal in everything we do, we don’t have secrets from each other , we openly communicate, we share good intimacy with each other, he wants to spend good quality time with me because he wants to; we laugh and have fun; we enjoy each other but have time for ourselves so we are not in each others pockets; he shares kindness , thoughtfulness, willing to help if needed, there for me,

That is what I think a good man means..however the man in question although has some of those above things he does not show them all.
2. I think quite a lot of my desire to stay with him is down to that in the relationship we have. however I would like him in my life even if it is not on a long term partner basis but as a good friend.
I am perfectly capable of living off my own steam. I am applying for positions but no success at the moment. I know when I am financially independent it will make me feel more confident as a person and in more control of my life

3. As I have limited money going out socialising for a meal/drink is not something I can do. A lot of experiences socialising, joining groups and activities costs money. I know I need to make new social circles but its the how if it costs money. I enjoy running and there is a club near to where I live but again it costs to join. I know that being afraid to be on my own is not a reason to stay with someone. I have already made that big move once when I left my abusive relationship , leaving a comfortable living and home and holidays, but now I have my freedom, a shell of a house..no job at the moment, but good qualifications.
He gives me fun and laughter and company and he takes me places.

Suzanne

Damean February 23, 2014 at 5:57 am

First, let me say that I really enjoy your constructive comments and suggestions that you make. You seem to have an understanding of the issues of trust, infidelity, and emotional connection. Because of this, I would be eternally grateful if I could have your advice.
I’m not particularly adept at relationships. I’m ok at initial attraction and the traditional courting phase, but it seems that (over time) I grow distant from the person I’m dating. This distance is initiated by me and not by them. I believe it may be related to the fact that I’m not thinking about long-term commitment with them initially; it “creeps” up on me and suddenly I’m faced with the prospect of being with the same person for an eternity.
That being said, I’ve been seeing my current girlfriend for approximately 2 years. We’ve had some really good times together and I can honestly say that she makes me a better man. Up until 6 months ago, she had a terrible habit of belittling me and being very disrespectful and rude to my face while in public. She would do this in front of her family, which was very embarrassing, and they would all agree that she should stop (and they told her this while it was happening) and she did nothing to change her attitude.
I met someone at work who was very beautiful and interesting, but most importantly she was kind and treated me very well. I told her that my girlfriend and I had broken up (this is terrible and I know it was the wrong thing to do – I was deeply hurt by what my girlfriend had done and at this point in time, I felt like the relationship was doomed and I was convinced that I was going to leave her but I didn’t want to miss the opportunity to spend time with someone who respected me).
Eventually, we began seeing each other for a span of approximately 3 weeks where we would be intimate. I did not tell my girlfriend this at the time and I secretly resented her for her disrespect. I felt as if I was “getting back” at her for continuously disrespecting me. My girlfriend knew something was going on and she hinted at it and I told her what had happened. At first I didn’t feel that it was cheating, but since I didn’t break up with her, it became cheating. At this point I told the girl at work that I couldn’t see her anymore.
After all of this, I find myself talking to and flirting with other women. I do it all the time. I think about and fantasize about being single when I’m not around her. Then, when I do see her, it seems to temporarily vanish. I was doing it a little before this whole “cheating” fiasco, but it has gone up in volume considerably. I want to be free, but I feel like I need her assurance and belief in me to be the kind of man that I want to be.
I’ve read messages on her phone (I’m not proud of this – I believe that people have the right to privacy [even though I disrespected it]), from a guy she used to know before we started dating. I briefly mentioned it to her (because she was discussing meeting up with him while I was gone [likely because we had a serious discussion about breaking up earlier that day]). She didn’t deny it at all, which I give her kudos for. In fact, I really don’t believe that she would hurt me by cheating if she knew the relationship was in good working order.
Two weeks ago I asked a friend if she wanted to go to Spring Break in Cancun without talking to my girlfriend about it. I’ve known this friend for years and we’re entirely plutonic. I did this because I was seriously considering telling her right before the trip that I wanted to break up. This way, we could have time away from each other and hopefully gain some prospective and heal. I also wanted to meet other women on a beach in Mexico. My girlfriend read this message and was upset about it. Now I know that we’re both going through each other’s phones. At first, I’m thinking “I should confront her about this?” That would obviously be an incredibly hypocritical thing to do. I’ve recently also mentioned breaking up with her twice in the past two months.
My question is this: should I be in this relationship at all knowing what I’ve done (and what I continue to do) is in stark opposition to the traditional idea of a relationship? I personally would be completely fine with a committed open relationship, provided we’re safe and healthy. I honestly don’t know what I’m doing. Every other area of my life is going well and makes sense but there’s something wrong with my relationship skills. I don’t want to be with her but I feel like I do when she’s around. I feel as if everything is a case of “damned if you do, damned if you don’t.”

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Damean February 23, 2014 at 7:05 am

One minor thought: perhaps you could generate additional income by having a way to accept tips for advice like you’re giving in this blog? I feel that people might want to have a way to say “thank you” for snippets of wisdom.

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Victoria Gigante February 23, 2014 at 8:47 am

Thank you Damean. I appreciate your feedback. I trust that those who want to compensate me will find a way to do so. 🙂

-Victoria

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Victoria Gigante February 23, 2014 at 8:39 am

Damean,

Thank you for sharing.

Re-read what you wrote. This isn’t about checking phones, your inability to commit or violations of privacy. These are SYMPTOMS of a deeper issue – one of SELF-WORTH.

This sentence: “I want to be free, but I feel like I need her assurance and belief in me to be the kind of man that I want to be.”

This belief is what’s keeping you in this relationship. You know what you want. Step into fear and go and get it. You don’t need a relationship to make you the kind of man you want to be. In fact, it is your unhappiness in this current situation that’s leading you to do things you aren’t proud of (i.e. cheating, violating privacy, lying, etc.).

By your own admission, this woman puts you down. Is it any wonder you’re unhappy?

Step into fear and BE FREE. Once you feel empowered, you’ll gain more clarity about the type of relationship you want to be in for the long-haul.

Make sense?

Sending Peace + Clarity,

Victoria

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Damean February 23, 2014 at 10:45 pm

Victoria,

First of all, thank you for the quick response. Yes, it does make a lot of sense. It explains why I’m doing disrespectful things to her. One more thing that I should add: she has done a very good job over the past six months in becoming more respectful. Even though that is the case I still think about being single and out of the relationship quite often. I just thought I should clarify that point…

Regards,

Damean.

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Victoria Gigante February 24, 2014 at 1:46 pm

Awesome Damean. You’ve got the awareness – now it’s time to take action in whatever way you feel necessary. You’ve got this.

-Victoria

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Fred E. February 24, 2014 at 2:47 am

To make a long story short, 1 month ago my girlfriend of 1 year was talking to an ex-boyfriend and and placing dating/sex adds for hooking up not with men but woman. I have always known she liked woman as well but not in that ” who the hell are you?” way, very not her. It makes me wonder who the hell i’m with. I have confronted her and went through all the angry, crying, loving, angry, REALLY angry then back to loving and so on. She has promised up and down and in many, many ways proven that it did not get physical but mostly emotional. I decided to believe her and took her back just because I love her so much(i am starting to regret that). Now it’s worse for me because I know now that my girlfriend is just not into men but woman and that is causing a huge, huge issue with me. She has new friends she works with and they leave to go shopping or something and my mind goes crazy with crazy thoughts created by her.” What am I doing here” I say!!!!!! Every time now I am watching her eyes when woman I know she likes are around. I am working on trust with her ,but I really don’t. trust her anymore for hurting me after she chased me for so long in the beginning and how she told me she loved me with tears in her eyes…then later …she would accuse me of cheating on her all the time with no explanation…..now what I thought was a full trusting woman has now,out of resentment toward her that has built , become a cheater piled in with the rest of the cheaters and liars in my past. I love her, i really do. She has been an open book emails ,passwords to facebook everything. …but she was an open book before and she still managed to hide a lot from me. She also told me she loved me with kisses and all…but still lied like a pro. This is killing me a little bit. This is the first time I have spoken about this to anyone, I need advice. Because it’s not good for either of us.

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Victoria Gigante February 24, 2014 at 5:17 pm

Fred,

I hear that you are in pain – and it’s understandable. A lot has happened over the last month! While trust is definitely something that seems to be an issue, what this really sounds like is that you’re having a difficult time coming to terms with the fact that – seemingly out of nowhere – SO much has changed. You’re left standing there like, “Um, what happened.”

From what you’ve written, your girlfriend is not into men anymore. With that shift – where does that leave YOU? Her BOYfriend?

Obviously things MUST evolve to reflect this recent development. Right? Or am I missing something here?

Acceptance Fred. What’s the most loving thing you can do for yourself in this situation?

Sending Peace + Calm + Clarity,
Victoria

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Umayma February 24, 2014 at 3:12 pm

I’m dating this guy we both love each other his the worlds best man I got I can’t live a second without him sometimes if his to busy at work I feel he doesn’t have time for me , other thing is I hate women near him even if it’s his sister
I’m feeling very sad and hurt sometimes even thou everything is perfect about us why this feeling

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Victoria Gigante February 24, 2014 at 6:16 pm

Umayma,

It sounds like you are putting your entire life into this relationship. Do you have friends? Family? A career? Personal goals?

What do you do for YOU – outside of your relationship? Your partner cannot be your whole life.

Are you afraid to be alone? Insecurity and jealousy are signs that something must change.

Sending peace, calm + clarity,
Victoria

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Ben Westcott March 2, 2014 at 12:42 am

Hello Victoria!
My girlfriend and I have been dating for 5 months and it has been wonderful!
About 3 months into our relationship I noticed that she was talking to her ex via text while we would hang out. I shrugged it off at first, but then I noticed things that made me worry. She gave him a ride to school a few times and seemed to talk to him in person more. She left her phone in my car one day and I went through her messages. I found things I didnt like. They were calling each other babe and meeting up in the halls during class. They also talked about what they’ve done with each other (coitus). It seemed like flirting to me so I talked to my best friend and mom about it and they said to confront her, first apologizing then asking for an explanation. I did just that. She didnt freak out which was a good sign, but she responded by saying they are only close friends now and she calls everyone babe. But another text said that he didnt want to come between us but she said she didnt want me to come in between them. I asked her about that and she said she was in a weird mood at that time. Being the nice guy that I am, I took that as a good enough answer, but it still bothers me. She then said that she’s done with him completely because he’s selfish. (Anyone could have figures THAT out earlier) She says that he starts the convos now and they dont last nearly as long.
Since our 6 month is soon I want to see how solid we are so instead of snooping through her phone, should I ask to read her messages (she gave me permission to ask but should I really) or just ask whats up between her and him. I forgot to add that during the flirting he was in a relationship. He is now single which makes me worry that he will try to lure my girlfriend back. I trust her but I dont trust myself for trusting her. I want this worry and gut wrenching feeling to go away. What should I do?

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Victoria Gigante March 2, 2014 at 11:16 am

Ben,

This sentence right here is POWERFUL: “I trust her but I don’t trust myself for trusting her.”

That’s your intuition seeing through what your mind WANTS to believe is true, but what your gut and heart is showing you is reality.

You say that “My girlfriend and I have been dating for 5 months and it has been wonderful!” Has it been? Or have you WANTED it to be?

I get that what you’ve shared is just one aspect of your relationship. Trust is huge though. It’s clear that you are feeling insecure in this relationship, especially as it surrounds this ex-boyfriend. Checking her phone again – even with her permission – isn’t going to solve anything. I recommend having a conversation with her, and communicating how you feel. See how things go, and then determine your next move.

I challenge you to consider this: What’s it going to take for you to fully trust this person? Do you really want to make it a habit of having to check her phone every few days/weeks/months just to be sure she’s not crossing boundaries with her ex – or anyone else for that matter? Checking her phone will only be a temporary solution to a much deeper concern. Address the concern.

Sending peace + clarity,
Victoria

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Smoking Bob March 2, 2014 at 4:41 am

Hi Victoria, I am 27 my girlfriend is 33. We met a year ago.

My previous relationship – My girlfriend was very insecure and we broke down, ended in her cheating on me. I found this out on facebook one night when she left hetself logged in. It was Christmas eve! (That was a hard Christmas)

Ok, so this new relationship. Its great, she is a free spirit, not needy at all. Had a job and can look after herself. She never shows any insecure feelings or signs of not trusting me. (Total opposite to me ex).

She has a male bestfriend who I have met and has other male friends that she talks to. I also have female friends that I meet for a drink every now and again. So when I step back from my box and analyse “us” we look great, trust each other…. or do we?

I seem to have started worrying about what she’s doing when out with her mates or when with her male friends. I can’t say anything cos these feeling just don’t sit right with me. I have never felt like this before. And seriously I think my gut feeling of worrying about he cheating on me are all in my head, and I am creating something from nothing. I find myself itching to check her Facebook or look at her phone (haven’t yet)

Also something to take into account. Her ex husband… they got divorced due to him being so unsecure he did loads of stupid stuff! So she left him after councilling didn’t help.

I need a little guidence. Feeling a bit lost.

Looking forward to your reply,
Smoking bob

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Victoria Gigante March 2, 2014 at 11:23 am

Smoking Bob,

I’m happy to hear you haven’t acted on anything. Explore where these insecurities are stemming from, and sort through the facts vs the stories you may be creating in your head. It seems like there are quite a few triggers sparking some of these concerns.

This is something we could work on in coaching.

Explore other aspects of the relationship as well, outside of this one concern.

Sending Peace + Clarity,
Victoria

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randy March 2, 2014 at 10:36 pm

long story short . caught my wife of 3 months (GF 4 years) when we were in a committed relationship as boyfriend /girlfriend she cheated . she would never admit it . denied it .. have proof . again along the same lines says I violated her trust by snooping . I understand that was wrong but I felt something wasnt right for the last year . stupid me we had a wedding date . and the few months before we started really getting along . then once we got married it started all over again she pushed back . she started stating I was to needy , was never home . so I started snooping about 2 months after we got married .. found to much to mention .
we split up .

that was 6 months ago .we have been on speaking terms since we split . she at first was stating she never sees us getting back together and that she can never forgive me for violating her trust . she hates me blah blah blah .. but yet she was communicating with me daily for the most part .

fast forward 3 months later we start being honest . she still will not admit any wrong doing to cheating on me before we were married . but we have be communicating well at times . we have been talking future plans , but then she pushes back stating she has doubt about me being able to change and not falling back into the same old ruts .
I can forgive her for cheating I was not the easiest person to get along with and I was not supportive of her when she needed me . I never listened to her, shut her out . I was totally in the wrong on that . I am not excusing her errors for cheating .

since we split she has been in a weird way helping me learn , how to actively listen , howto be more positive , she gave me a copy of 5 languages of love and marriage with boundaries .

so questions
1 . when I ask why she is helping me with being more open and actively being able to listen to my partner , she says its so that I will be a better man in my next relationship and not hurt the one I love .

2. why would a woman out of the kindness/guilt help her ex become a better man for his next partner ? does that even make sense ?

3. her statement from the other day .. we go out normally when she asks me . so this has been going on for a few months now . first time was about 2 months ago she called me out of the blue and ask me out said lets go workout n go to dinner . said cool . I truly enjoy spending time with her .. and she knows it ..
so ok enough rambling on this questions .
i was tired of her also leading when we see each other i asked her out to dinner but not as a date text her “hey you want to HIT Back and grab some tacos at phils tonight ”
she responded not tonight , but thanks for thinking of me . have fun with your workout . i’ll see you in the morning for our workout 🙂
so positive of sorts ..
the next day after our workout . she text messaged

“You know , when you wait and let me come to you it is less like you are trying to make me spend time with you and more like you are trusting me to lead and understand i am moving within my comfort zone ”
“just a hint ”
she then stated
” i need to do this at a pace that i feel comfortable with or I am NEVER going to get there. and i am going to tell you to go away .. because i have a lot of doubts ”

question to this .
is she trying to tell me ?
is she just messing with me ?
what is your honest opinion . I would like to repairing our relationship . I love her with all my heart. is she trying to repair this at her own pace ?

Randy

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randy March 2, 2014 at 10:44 pm

also comment both of the books she gave me to read were eye opening in how men don’t listen to what their partner is expressing .

i have learned more in the last 3 months reading those books , for that i am extremely grateful to her for .. even if we never get to the point we are in love with each other , i will appreciate how she has allowed me to grow as a man and a partner .

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Victoria Gigante March 4, 2014 at 7:56 am

Randy,

What would happen if you stopped questioning what she’s telling you and actually started listening to her?

And what would happen if you stopped living your life based off of her mood, and started focusing on YOU and what’s best for YOU, regardless of her?

Just some things to think about.

Oh, and I just read your second comment – so, yeah: See my first point about listening. 🙂

Sending Peace + Clarity,
Victoria

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meka March 4, 2014 at 4:40 pm

hi..
and im really trying to piece this together. and i’d like to say my next move will most likely be to end the relationship. I’ve been dating this girl for almost 2 years. Early in d relationship up til last October, she was in contact with her ex who she dated 2 before but got dumped by him(im still of the notion she hadnt fully recovered from him). Previously, i had asked her about it and she said nothing serious but just friends. But that October i checked her phone and found a bunch of msgs..He wanted to be with her and marry her.. He obviously knew about me but that didn’t deter him. After confronting her, she stopped talking to him.
Well, as if that was it, she started kicking it with her co-worker at work. I then/later found msgs about him trying to give her a foot-rub and how she flirted with him. She agreed for him to. I tried to play it calm a few weeks but i didn’t want to resent her and brought the issue (in front of her mother).. Lets just say it wasn’t cute and she was upset that i had checked her phone “saying if i check her phone and cant handle what i see, then i shouldn’t check..(smh). She even went as far as even explaining how getting a foot-rub wasn’t a big deal. She ranted more about me checking her phone. I told her even though there weren’t many malicious texts, she’s leading him on and obviously enjoying the flirt. Anyways, we agreed and set boundaries as far as checking phones and not flirting. Unfortunately, we didn’t keep to the bargain. I checked her phone when she handed it to me to use and obviously She’s still been in contact with him and sent him a picture of when she did her feet, he made comments about not trying be mannish but i know what that implies. She’s like you still miss me just admit it and of course he’s like yes.
I do love her and try well enough to make her feel respected and loved but this is already putting me in the position of confronting her and telling her we should just let the relationship go cause it seems like shes either wanting the attention/flirt (which in all honesty, i try my best to do) and also she doesn’t respect the relationship and herself (esp at age 36) as well.
I guess i’m asking for your opinion on what you have read this and how to go bout this especially since of-course, i checked her phone.

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Victoria Gigante March 4, 2014 at 8:12 pm

Meka,

It sounds like you want permission to let this situation go. You already know that this relationship isn’t going well. You’ve tried to work through these issues with this woman on multiple occasions.

Where do you see a future in this relationship? And what would this woman need to do to regain your trust? Is that even possible at this point?

You checked her phone. It’s over. That doesn’t make you a bad person. Let it go and make a decision about how you want to proceed. You have permission to move forward.

Sending Peace & Clarity,
Victoria

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Tam March 5, 2014 at 1:54 pm

Ok so here is my issue, i dont trust my gf and i am tryinh my best to trust her. I give her the benifit of doubt of the time. Cause i see potential in her. She is who i want to be with but she continues to give me reason not to trust her, my woman intution is strong expecially when i am in love with someone. I study there every move i tend to know them better than they know themselves. She has admit to taking to other people on a entertament level she has never cheated physically but she has mentally and to me thats worst. She only admits to it when i show her she has done it. She needs to see that she has done it in order to remember doing it. I dont understand that part. She acts as if she forgot she has done it until its presented.. She has done this in all her past relationship thinking that if she was caught she could lose the title “relationship” but for some reason she wants to fight for ours. I just dont get i need to know should i leave or sit through this and hope that she changes ? i do believe she is capable of changing she just need help

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Victoria Gigante March 5, 2014 at 5:47 pm

Tam,

It’s simple: DON’T DATE POTENTIAL.

You’re setting yourself – and your partner – up for failure.

Can you be with the person IN FRONT OF YOU – not the person you hope, one day, maybe, perhaps, kinda, you believe her to be? The person you want her to “change” into?

Sending Peace & Calm,
Victoria

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Dana March 7, 2014 at 9:58 pm

Hi Victoria,

I have a question about trust and how to regain it back. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 7 years and we’re having problems with intimacy. It started years ago when he told me he wasn’t attracted to me. That completely devastated me and to be perfectly honest, I think it broke me. Since then I’ve pulled away from him because I seemed to have lost any confidence I once had. He has always watched porn and normally, I didn’t have a concern with it but for the past year or so, I have and I feel like he’s watching it all the time. I would be in the other room and could see him masturbating to it. I tried to discuss it with him but he tells me that it’s normal and since I’m not fulfilling his needs, he’s going to watch it, regardless. He then started watching it when I went to bed and it became such an issue that I began to snoop on his computer to see what he was watching and how often. He watches it at least once to twice a day. To say that it bothers me is an understatement but he also pays for it and watches it live. It’s disgusting and so is my behaviour. I’m so ashamed that I’m snooping. I’ve always been one to be respectful of someone’s privacy and here I am, looking at his computer. We got into a huge argument a while ago and he told me that he’ll stop looking (he promised me) and he hasn’t. How do I know? Because I looked on his computer. I don’t know what to do anymore because I can’t confront him because I’d have to admit what I did. I have no trust anymore because I know he’s lying to me.

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Victoria Gigante March 8, 2014 at 4:34 pm

Dana,

Your boyfriend has been (brutally) honest with you about not being attracted to you. You decided to stay in the relationship, even after knowing this about him. In the past, he has also told you that because he isn’t attracted to you, he’s going to meet his needs with pornography. Now you want him to promise you that he won’t continue watching it? You’re setting him up for failure and not accepting the situation for what it is. The real question is this: Why are you OK staying in a relationship with someone that openly admits that they aren’t attracted to you? In a situation where you don’t feel confident and desired? What are you gaining from the relationship, and does it outweigh the discomfort you feel about your boyfriend watching pornography?

Also, I’m curious why your boyfriend remains with you when he’s made it clear that he isn’t attracted to you. To me, it sounds like there is some codependency going on her.

Seven years is a long time to feel this way, Dana – to feel unattractive and disempowered. This relationship doesn’t sound like it’s bringing the best out of you (in fact, you’ve admitted this).

Why do you stay?

Remember: I only know what you’ve written, and I only ask questions to get you to think.

Sending Peace + Clarity,
Victoria

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Anotherdude March 10, 2014 at 3:47 am

First off, may I just point out that Victoria has been running these replies for a very long time– can we all just give her a hand?! A well done and thanks are very much in order.

My girlfriend and I split up after a year because of incompatibility/growing arguments, but for me, one of the biggest incompatible points was her jealousy. She was jealous of a teammate that I had to work with for long hours despite me telling her numerous times that I had loving eyes only for her.

After I split up with her (very difficult to do btw) we’ve made efforts to keep in touch, and yes, reconcile. The usual convo on correcting behaviours was had.

It seems well on track, she’s away on a business trip but we message and chat every day, and as soon as she’s back, we have a lovely, intimate day. Then the next day when I wake up she tells me she’s gone through my phone and texts because she doesn’t trust me.

I’ve done nothing wrong with her, ever — never cheated, always told her I loved her, never gave her any reason to feel inadequate — who has the time to two-time, I wonder? However, since this latest episode, my resolve has faltered. I love this girl, loved, but now I just can’t stop wondering how she could bring herself to do such a thing. Obviously there was nothing there (a joke text with my bud was the closest thing she could poke at… Btw for the prying out there… Don’t do it, you’re going to find exactly what you have set in your mind to find, meaning you’ll take words and twist heaven and earth to justify your guilt-ridden snooping!)

So I guess I’m just asking for some resolve here… She knows she’s messed up and we’re trying yet again, but I’m caught between giving this yet another shot (yes, I know, you may go ahead and lose all respect for me and call me spineless) and just finally, despite all the other compatability, despite her being my best friend and love, closing this chapter of our lives.

Thanks for listening. I was raised catholic with old Christian values I think so I do believe in working things out maybe beyond the point of what’s healthy 🙂

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Victoria Gigante March 11, 2014 at 8:48 am

Thank you for sharing your story. 🙂 And thank you for your thanks haha. Much appreciated.

Two things:
1. “I was raised catholic with old Christian values I think so I do believe in working things out maybe beyond the point of what’s healthy.” Boom.
2. “Btw for the prying out there… Don’t do it, you’re going to find exactly what you have set in your mind to find, meaning you’ll take words and twist heaven and earth to justify your guilt-ridden snooping!” Love that.

Here’s my thought on your situation:
This isn’t your issue. This is your girlfriends issue. Everything you’ve written indicates that she is a very insecure person. So, your option is to deal with that or move on. YOU CAN’T CHANGE HER – she has to want to grow through this. You can bring it to her attention, but SHE has to do the work – and SHE has to see it and believe it.

Sending courage & clarity,
Victoria

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Brittani March 10, 2014 at 9:49 pm

Victoria,
I stumbled upon your article as I was attempting to google the answers to my relationship. I love that you’ve responded to so many people. It truly shows your dedication to what you do and that’s very wonderful. I need advice and I hope you can help me out. I’m in a relationship, (we are both fairly young, I am nineteen and he is twenty five) and in the beginning of our relationship, he was accusing me of talking to other men sexually, and I was taken back, and asked if he was talking to woman sexually. He got defensive but then I saw his Facebook which he had open during our conversation and their was an unread message and I asked him to show me. I was so shocked when he wouldn’t. I finally told him I was going to leave if he didn’t show me because I got a terrible feeling in my stomach and he finally showed me and what I found made me want to puke. He was messaging a beautiful woman and talking about sex with her, and what he would do to her. It broke my heart. A few weeks later, I finally accepted his phone calls and talked to the girl through his facebook. I know this already probably sounds ridiculous and very immature, but when you love someone sometimes you go to extreme measures. But anyways, I pretended to be my boyfriend and messaged the girl and she said that they had never even hung out. I was still mad, but very relieved. Its been months and I still have NO trust for this man, and he LETs me look at his phone, email, and facebook whenever I want. I don’t trust him and so many people tell me that at this point, I’m the one at fault. But I can’t help it. My gut will not let me trust him. I’m very confused.

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Victoria Gigante March 11, 2014 at 8:52 am

You’re not confused Brittani. You’re disappointed that things didn’t work out the way you wanted them to. You know what you have to do to.

Here – think about this question: Does this relationship push you to be the best version of yourself?

Sending Clarity,
Victoria

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Sarah March 11, 2014 at 2:36 pm

Hi Victoria,

I would like your professional point of you on some marriage situation I know many of us are going through. But first let me give you a little background. I have been married for 10 years. My husband and I are 3 years apart and married in our early 20s. No kids. Since day 1 my husband was very manipulated by his mother and sister. The sister is 15 years older and the mom had him when she was 45 so I feel they have a lot of knowledge and know exactly how to talk/act to get what they want from him. This manipulation I actually didn’t quite noticed until 2-3 years after we married. When we married my husband proposed we move to his sister’s house so we can save money on rent and buy our house in 5yrs. I agreed. However, my inexperience didn’t allow me to see the consequences of my agreement. Long story short, sister-in-law and mother-in-law very willing to help at anytime. However, I found out that everything that happened in my house was shared by her to all my in-laws. Mother/Father traveled and stayed for 3 years in my SIL’s apartment. Which mean they became our neighbors too. My MIL will try to force my door to go into my apartment and do the laundry, cook and everything related with my husband. She once said, “take care of yourself, I’ll take care of my son.” I was quite until last year. I made the decision that I will not tolerate this no more. I told him I waited more than the agreed time to find our place. We agreed to go to marriage counseling. He stopped gossiping with his family about our relationship (so he assured me) and we are in the process of moving. However, here are my questions to you:

1) Is it normal for me to still feel I don’t trust him completely although I see he is trying to work some of the things up?

2) I noticed he stopped gossiping with his family. However, now he spends hours on the phone with a guy he met at work less than 2 months ago. He tells him almost everything he is doing and it really makes me feel insecure because I don’t like people knowing what’s happening in my marriage. Is it me the one who is wrong? I feel no one likes this. However, I would love to know what others think of this.

3) I understand he will gossip a little. However, is it normal for guys to talk 80% of the time with friends and maybe 20% with the wife? He tells me that he comes home every day and sleeps with me. Lets me be the one who administrates and I still complain. I said it had nothing to do with that. It has to do with sharing quality couple time.

4) Is it normal that married guys what so much pornography? I confronted him on this and said how he will feel if it was me doing it. He said, “almost all man watch pornography. This doesn’t mean we are cheating on you”. To him is not cheating. To me it is. You think I’m overreacting?

5)He was giving money to the mother from an apartment he has abroad to his mom to save it. We then purchased another apartment abroad. However, the mother was taking money from our apartment to pay the dues for his apartment and never said anything to him/me.

6) He is very sweet if I’m sick and from what I see how he behaves with his nephews and nieces I see he will be a great dad. However, I wish to learn how to work on these issues (above listed) prior to having a child because I don’t feel it is a good atmosphere for a baby if the parents have issues/mistrust.

Any constructive criticism will be truly appreciated.

Thank you!

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Victoria Gigante March 12, 2014 at 4:55 pm

Sarah,

I’d be more than happy to explore these topics with you through coaching, however it’s a bit much for me to answer via a comment. If that’s something you’d be interesting in doing, please feel free to email me at info@victoriagigante.com.

In the meantime, I will say this: It sounds like there are some boundary issues going on here. There is a great deal of enmeshment going on with your husband and his family, and that carries over into his other relationships.

You can’t change him. He has to choose to grow and work through some of these things, just as you have to work through some of these things on your own as well. You need to establish which parts of this story are yours, and which are his – then take action accordingly.

Sending peace & clarity,
Victoria

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liam March 12, 2014 at 12:27 pm

Great stuff Victoria. I could really do with some advice, I am at my wits end.
Here goes. I’ve never, ever been the jealous type: always the most laid back guy you could ever meet. Never had a problem with partners having male friends. Until now. And I know its not me. My girlfriend of 2 years has turned me into an insane green eyed monster who’s stomach churns whenever she goes out without me. So many little red flags and warning signs have added up to drive me insane. For example, every one of her male friends, I’ve gradually found out, was at one time or another, a boyfriend or sexual partner. But I’ve had to find that out myself, they were never introduced to me as such.

However, there’s one guy who she told me he was convinced she was the love of his life, that he thought they were destined to be together. That In the past he’s been a real pain about it. She felt uncomfortable around him etc etc. That there had never been anything between them and she couldn’t imagine why he thought that. Then one night, drunk, she let’s slip that in fact, things have repeatedly happened between them sexually in the past. I never asked her to, but she told me that she had broken off all contact with him. A couple of days later I can see as she’s using her phone, that they message regularly. A week later she tells me that he just happened to be at a party but that she didn’t speak to him. At this point I’m now a jealous freak, I’ve caught her lying. So I do the unforgivable. I look at her phone. And guess what: he was at the party because she invited him.

I don’t say anything but its eating me up. So I decide to be open about what I know. I don’t get angry and I admit being ashamed at looking at the messages. She’s devastated, apologetic. Says its her fault, unforgivable that she lied. It will never happen again, she says.

A few months later, I’m using her laptop and – yes, now I’m that awful suspicious boyfriend. And yes, I look at her facebook messages that she’s left open by mistake. And, you guessed it. They message all the time. He constantly tell her to leave me, to run away with him, tells her how much he fancies her. This is not a male friend; if it was, I’d be cool. This guy constantly asks her to leave me for him. And she keeps going back for more. Its usually her messaging him first. And yes, she tells him thing like how she’s looked at his photos and finds him very attractive. She reminisces about times they’ve had together. She tells him that her ‘thing’ with him scares her – yet she keeps it up. She tells him that she’s thinking of leaving me and plots where the pair of them can go travelling.

I confront her – not about him – but tell her that I know she is having doubts about us, despite her insistence all is fine. She denies there is anything wrong between us.

So I still bottle it up.

Last week he messages and begs her to leave me: he is a multi millionaire and promises her the life I can never give her. She tells him that knowing how he feels has made her crazy for the past 2 years; tells him that looking at his photo gives her butterflies.

Yet….she could leave me for him, but doesn’t. She’s still with me.

So I’m torn. I tell myself ‘look, she could easily leave you for him, but its you she wants to be with. So man up, get over it.’ But another part of me is devastated that the woman iwho is the love of my life thinks its ok to do this. And this is the thing – she seems to think its fine.

I’ve become a nervous wreck. I could confront her, but I’m deeply ashamed for having pried. She tells me she wants to spend the rest of her life with me, to marry. But my get tells me that I cannot trust someone who craves male attention from others in the way that she does. I just can’t handle it (there’s other times she seeks male attention that I haven’t bored you with). I think that’s all it is, I like to hope she wouldn’t cheat. But 2 years into a relationship, if she’s doing this while we’re still in the honeymoon phase…heavens knows what happens 10 years on when she’s really bored?!

I just don’t know what to do. I know snooping was wrong; but she gave me reason and I’m now so screwed up,

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Victoria Gigante March 12, 2014 at 6:35 pm

Hi Liam,

Your answer is in what you’ve written:

“I’ve become a nervous wreck…She tells me she wants to spend the rest of her life with me, to marry. But my gut tells me that I cannot trust someone who craves male attention from others in the way that she does. I just can’t handle it (there’s other times she seeks male attention that I haven’t bored you with). I think that’s all it is, I like to hope she wouldn’t cheat. But 2 years into a relationship, if she’s doing this while we’re still in the honeymoon phase, heavens knows what happens 10 years on when she’s really bored?!”

You’ve indicated that she doesn’t seem to think there is anything wrong with her behavior. YOU have the issue with her behavior – therefore, it’s YOUR story. Either be OK with it, and accept her for who she is – or listen to what your gut is telling you about how YOU feel in this situation.

Does that make sense?

Sending Peace & Clarity,
Victoria

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liam March 13, 2014 at 6:57 am

Thank you for the reply Victoria! Yes, what you have said makes sense. And I know that you are right. I’d kind of come to the same conclusion already. After all, I can tell myself that one way or another is ‘the right thing to do’; but the fact is, deep down, I’m my subconscious and occasionally surfacing at times of stress, is the little voice that’s telling me I am with someone who thinks its ok to -at the very least- flirt with other men in such a way that could lead to a lot more. The knowledge that she actively encourages another guy to flatter her and ask her out; receive gifts from him that she then lies to me about where they came from; I just know that I cannot deal with that. There is a very big part of me that wants to be ble to just dismiss it as something she does because I love her more than words can say, but I know I never will. I’ve tried to be pragmatic and justify her behaviour by considering that her actions are a consequence of me not giving eher enough: but she tells me that I do; our sex life is out of this world (her words), we message a hundred times a day telling rach other how much we love each other; I tell her every day that she is the most beautiful girl in the world. But it seems, she is a junkie for that level of attention. And quite frankly, its exhausting. I feel terrible that jealousy and insecurity should force me to walk away from the love of my life – beyond awful – but I know, truthfully, that my insecurity is not unfounded and that she clearly has an issue.

Sorry for rambling! Its tough.
Thank you so much for replying, its a real help as well to know that one is not alone.

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Chasity March 14, 2014 at 1:55 pm

Hey Victoria,

You seem so knowledgeable in this area I would greatly appreciate your advice. Me & my boyfriend have been together for going on 2 years, in the end of our first year I had problems with a female “bestfriend” he snuck behind my back to meet up with her, told each other they loved each other, Always talked and inboxed on FB but she has a boyfriend also before he met me they even took a trip to Florida together. Long story short I found all this out by going in his phone every time he found out I did this he’d be FURIOUS, I told him I would stop if he cut her off he did, along with other females that I found out he shouldn’t have been talking to, but now he’s completely faithful, start making it known to other females he’s with me and everything. I have no reason to think otherwise but I still have urges to go in his phone & then I do. It’s pushing him away because now he dedicates his all to me, he has completely changed but I just can’t help it. Advice please thank you Victoria.

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Victoria Gigante March 16, 2014 at 6:52 pm

Chasity,

Trust: I’m sure you’ve heard all the quotes about how it can take a lifetime to build and an instant to lose.

From what you’ve shared, your boyfriend’s past behavior sounds pretty traumatic. A few things to think about:

1. What exactly compelled you to stay with this man after everything he did? Usually, this can indicate a self-worth issue on your part.
2. Did your partner take responsibility for his actions? Do you feel he would have stopped his behavior had you not caught him?
3. Is your partner now taking extra care to be completely transparent as you rebuild trust in the relationship?
4. Are you willing to make yourself vulnerable again?

Tough questions, I know. They are all important things to consider in situations like this though.

Sending Clarity,
Victoria

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Chasity March 14, 2014 at 2:03 pm

Victoria,
& also what really bothered me is knowing that if I would’ve never went through his phone I would’ve never knew & now I go through it because I think I’m going to find something he’s not gonna tell me. Also the female bestfriend wasn’t easy for him to stop talking to I ask them to stop with the “I love you’s” several times then would go through his phone and see it didn’t stop. I guess I’m just always on a mission to find out things. He calls me insecure but I say it’s because of the “old him” it’s just horrible.

Thanks Victoria, you’re such a great woman to be helping all of us. I know going through phones is not right or fair.

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Victoria Gigante March 16, 2014 at 6:57 pm

Ok, I just saw this second post…

Chasity: WHY IS THIS OK? You’ve asked him to change, to cut off a person he’s repeatedly said I love you to (even AFTER you caught him), and you even admit yourself: “If I would’ve never went through his phone I would’ve never knew.” EXACTLY!!!!

He would still be doing this: BEHIND YOUR BACK.

Trust your gut.

Chasity: What would you do if you weren’t afraid?

Victoria

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Maryam March 15, 2014 at 6:36 am

this post was really useful. i have no idea about the effect but the point of Stop controling others and Start Controlling YOU, was a valuable point. i hate this temptation of checking his personal things and phone, though i have never found anything suspicious but i have this fear with me all the time!

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Victoria Gigante March 16, 2014 at 6:59 pm

Maryam,

Interesting. Explore this statement further:

“I hate this temptation of checking his personal things and phone. Though I have never found anything suspicious, I have this fear with me all the time!”

What’s the root cause of this fear?

Sending Clarity,
Victoria

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jerry March 16, 2014 at 5:42 pm

Hi

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Victoria Gigante March 16, 2014 at 6:59 pm

Hello Jerry. Just making your presence known?

Victoria

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jerry March 16, 2014 at 6:28 pm

Hello Victoria, i’ve been going out with a girl who i’ve been acquainted with for 1 1/2 years now, we’ve been dating for 6 months, ever since we’ve known each other it’s always been that we hit it off great and for the first year we were too nervous to do anything about starting a relationship mainly because both of us have never been in a serious relationship. Ever since we started dating I literally feel myself falling in love with this girl more and more and she always tells me the same, but even before we dated there was always another guy who we both worked with that would constantely hit on her and tell her she looks good and has a nice body etc… (he has a girlfriend and is notorious for cheating on her), the two would always seem to hit it off great and if the 3 of us are ever in proximity of each other she will always end up scurrying to get out of there, but making herself look busy. What I first found odd was that most people that would make such compliments about her appearance in the fashion that he does is that she would normally just give them a cold shoulder and walk away, but she seems to grow closer to this guy it seems. Time moved on and she began always talking about him in the highest regard and made nervous gestures with her hands after she would talk about him, she once even told me the inside of his car looked nice and new and as problems began to arise would later deny ever saying this. I began to question her if she’s ever cheated on me and she would deny it to ever end of the earth, and since then i’ve asked her about cheating on me 20 times it feels like, on different occasions. But the first time was because I was just curious when she was out of town we were texting it up and suddenly she claimed to have fallen asleep and texted me back about 4 hours later appologizing for falling sleep(12-4 a.m.) which is believable, but odd considering we were swapping dirty pictures of each other at the time. I quickly threw one out. Later on, I caught her lying to me several times about fine details on her days, one day I asked her to send me a picture of herself and she said ok let me get out of the bath, give me 15 minutes. Suddenly 2 hours later she sends a text of a 🙁 face only and nothing else, I proceeded to call her and was extremely suspcious, which she agreed to send me pictures of herself. Not 10 minutes later she sends them with her hair straightened, full make-up on, a towel placed maticulously in the background of the photo, and no wet hair. She said she took a bath and a shower and the only reason she showers is to wash her hair. The next day I smelled her hair and she instantely freaked out and refused to let me do so, which any other day she wouldnt even bat an eye to this. Since then i’ve been non-stop suspcious of her, I caught her lying to me again when she deleted a conversation with a girlfriend who lives thousands of miles away, earlier in the day she said her friend was texting her about how jelous she was that she didnt have a b.f. and claimed she said it out of the blue, well later on I noticed that the whole previous convo had been erased and asked her why she deleted the convo, she first said it was an accident, and after that she laid on me, hugged me, and said I love you about 50 times, I could literally feel her heart throbbing. She sensed something was wrong and asked me what I was feeling I said I don’t believe you, she got off of me and proceeded to lay by herself facing away from me and called me crazy for being paranoid, when I said I was going to just be done with the relationship she finally admitted she was lying to me about sending a dirty picture of me to her, which I know she only did to brag about me, I didn’t even care about the picture, the lie was the concern though. Especially since I caught her lying to me about something much less than this about a month prior and I made it very bluntly clear that my trust is not easily gained and that if she was to ever lie to me I could not be with her, she still sabotaged that and even tried to make me seem like the bad guy, she even tried to hug me and tell me she loved me, the most disturbing though, was the fact that she said I was crazy and paranoid, and used the exact same phrases in that lie that she’s used when i’ve questioned her on cheating with me. Well after a very long talk we sorted these out and since then I have no caught her lying to me, but recentely I was actually able to get my hands on the man’s phone I suspected her of cheating on me with and I look at their conversation and the entire thing was deleted, except for the two most recent texts he sent her which were about work, and in them she was saying how he’s the shit and all this and that, beside the point. I freaked out on her and said it was over between us and she literally chased me down in the street and I walked to get away from her but she followed me for 2 miles until I got home, I sort of made up with her that night and agreed to look at her texts the following day when I found out how to check erased messages, I looked on her phone and she has erased messages from him, but she also showed me she had erased messages from other people, but the odd thing is, she also had more deleted messages from him than the other people though. They both have full conversations in their phone from other people that I know for a fact arn’t fooling around with either of them and the conversations my girlfriend has in her phone from him don’t get very personal but sometimes do, so i’m just curious as to why he has to delete that conversation in particular and why she has deleted texts from him, I also asked her why she had deleted texts from him and she claimed to at first to have never done it and a bout a minute or two later switched her story to she sometimes deletes texts at random and claims that when she first got her phone she would delete all of her messages, when she told me that I instantely thought back to her lying to me about accidentely deleting her conversation with her friend and how non-chillant she was in her lying, she blended it perfectly into the conversation. Well just recentely we’ve gotten back together because we still claim love for each other, although I now find it suspicious to the look of guilt and shame that will seemingly overcome her, as if saying, I messed up. I’am honestly confused because she always claims she wants to be with me forever, marry me, and have my children, which I honestly do believe, but at the same time it feels like she was at a vulnerable moment and acted on it only later to regret what she had done. Besides these moments there has been almost nothing to go wrong in the relationship, she cares and listens to everything I say with every ounce of attention and will honestly do anything I ask of her for the most part, I do admit that i’am a paranoid man and my mind is prone to playing itself, yet my gut and intuition tell me something much different, and in most cases I havn’t been too far from the truth in many instances people come to me asking advice based on my initial reaction, people like fast answers to these questions and I seem to deliver them usually spot on, for most of it, now the only thing I can’t figure out is my own relationship or maybe I have been seeing it correctly and have been misguided by someone with an agenda of their own. Keep in mind that our sex life is good and we can bond easily and come to a resolution on almost anything, but sometimes I feel like that can lead to susceptibility for someone to prey on, without even noticing, they’re going behind your back just knowing they can come to a resolution later. I was also unemployed for nearly 3 months and she always begged me to get a job but I instead chose to be lazy and I would always ask her if she was turned off by me but she would always say and still does say, she loves me forever and only wants me, but I recentely got rehired at my place of business and notice that her male co-workers are pretty damn comfortable with saying whatever they please to her and whenever I see her talking to someone who is skeptical I see her scurry away while looking into my eyes with fright, it’s really bothering me.

Please help me! I don’t want to sacrifice someone that feels like and tells me they’re my soulmate but at the same time feels free to lie and try to turn it against me, i’m completely torn.

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Victoria Gigante March 16, 2014 at 7:07 pm

Jerry,

Ok – I just saw this second comment. Ha!

Anyway: Re-read what you’ve written. You use the word “BUT” a lot. I have a philosophy on that word: Any time someone writes the word “BUT,” you can delete everything they’ve written before it.

“Which is believable, BUT…”
“Since then I have not caught her lying to me, BUT…”
“She loves me forever and only wants me, BUT…”

It sounds like there is a lot of justifying going on. What would happen if you accepted things as they are – without all the “BUT’s”?

Sending Clarity,
Victoria

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Dane March 17, 2014 at 7:10 am

Hey I was just scrolling around and saw this so I thought I would try asking a question. I recently have a trust issue with my girlfriend but its not that I suspect her of cheating or anything. Recently she got molested to a very high extent without me knowing and she had just told me. I’m not the jealous type so she can hang with whoever she wants, boy or girl. She went to go hang with a friend one day she had known for a couple years and they were supposed to be going to the movies. What really happened was he took advantage of her though and she reluctantly told me she was just to scared to get out of the car. It pisses me off so much that it happened and I don’t blame her, but now I don’t really trust her alone at any time with any guy except like maybe one or two good friends. I can’t get what I should really be feeling about this mistrust and I want to make sure she never hurts like that again!

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Victoria Gigante March 20, 2014 at 5:06 pm

Dane,

Thank you for sharing a bit about your story. This is a very complex situation, and one that shouldn’t be taken lightly. Has your girlfriend sought counseling, coaching, or some other sort of mental health guidance? It’s important for her to both heal from this situation and learn to identify how it can be prevented from ever happening again.

As for you, it will benefit you to speak about this to someone as well. Everything you are feeling is normal, and makes sense. I don’t want you to underplay how complex this type of situation can be emotionally, on everyone involved.

It sounds like you’re scared for her. What your girlfriend probably needs right now is NOT someone panicking for her though – but rather someone to support her as she works through what happened. You say you don’t blame her. Panicking can be perceived as you punishing HER. Does that make sense?

Sending Peace + Calm,
Victoria

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Jeff March 20, 2014 at 3:16 pm

If there is any doubt, there is no doubt….. shes a *****. Dump her and find a good one that you can trust.

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Victoria Gigante March 20, 2014 at 5:07 pm

Eloquent and to the point, I suppose. Ha! Thanks for sharing Jeff.
-Victoria

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Annie March 20, 2014 at 4:11 pm

Victoria:

I have been with my fiance for about 4 years now. We are both in our late 50’s so yes, we have some baggage. I was married for 25 years, found out my Xhusband was gay and had an affair the last few years of our marriage. He had been married twice before but had been single for 14 years when we met via an online dating service. His former wife cheated on him and he on her, which ended his first marriage. (18 years)

I dated a much younger man for 2 years prior to meeting him who died a year prior to our meeting. He serial dated a lot of women because he was single and why not?

The first few months of dating was a bit rocky. We chalked that up to insecurities and not knowing the other well. I had a few texts from a guy I’d never met but had text flirted for a few months before I met him. Nothing serious at all. Heck I’d never met him. He texted me once while we were at dinner and it upset my fiance (only boyfriend then) a lot at the time. He felt it was disrespectful to him and I agreed and told this friend to never text me again that I was in a relationship. Well this guy (younger) decided it would be fun to tweak me by texting me on and on. There was no way to block his texts so I just ignored them. But my boyfriend blamed me and thought I was in some big affair with this guy which was so wrong.

We moved past this when I threatened to call this guy’s boss and report him. Texts stopped. There have been several other occurrences over the years where my fiance has become outraged over something as silly as me mentioning that I met a male client for breakfast and the outcome of a great sales I made from this. He would say that when we’d be having dinner out, he felt my eyes wandering the room. He felt that I was “looking” at other men. Huh? I don’t even recall doing that much less looking at anyone in particular.

One dinner early on in our relationship, towards the end of the evening, we were sitting listening to jazz in a club. It had been a great evening and I thought going well. Out of nowhere he gets up mad and heads out the door of the club. I follow him out asking him what was going on. Even one of the waitresses at the club stopped to ask me if I was ok. It was very very odd. He was walking quickly down the street to his car. I literally had to run after him to catch up. He got in the car, I ran and got in and he flew home. I couldn’t get him to tell me what was wrong at all either. He pulled up at his house (I’d left my car there) and I jumped out and ran to my car. He seemed calmer by then and asked me what I was doing. I said I was going home and to never call me again.

Well obviously we made up but I did finally find out that he was upset with me over a comment I made about my neighbor being cute. He again felt that was disrespectful to me.

We had several of these incidents over the years but other than that got along great. I adore him and he asked me to marry him about 3 years ago on top of a mountain. I was so happy.

We had several years of bliss and then one day, he noticed my phone was on lock. The last job I had it was required that we lock our phones as they were company owned. I didn’t lock my phone initially. But then later decided I probably should and locked mine. When he asked me why, I stammered around but not because I was guillty – only because I know how he reacted in the past to my phone and it just startled me. So I lied and said my phone had restarted and the locked in screen had come up on its own during a reboot. I have no idea why I said that but I did. I later told him that due to his behaviour in the past it startled me and that the only reason I locked it was because I felt safer that way.

Bottom line – it’s been over a year and he still brings it up and tells me he can’t trust me. We’ve been to counseling over this and even the counselor (s) have asked what it will take for him to move past this. He said “time”. Well it still comes up, he gets pissed off, leaves for a few days (we’re living together now) and we reconcile.

It’s always about the phone – always. I’ve had no lock on my phone now for 6 months. He’s free to look at any of my electronic devices at any time. I’ve never once, not in 4 years, thought about another man or even had contact with anyone other than for business.

So for now, we’re not getting married due to all of this. I don’t want to marry someone with jealousy or insecurity issues and he doesn’t want to marry me due to my “supposedly” lying to him about not locking my phone. It’s this endless cycle and nothing is working. It’s like he’s stuck on this one thing and can’t let it go and won’t.

We’re trying to figure out whether we want to stay together and not be married and just date again or just let it go. Sigh I love him and we have a great time together other than these issues. But one issue like this can kill a relationship. I don’t know what to do.

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Victoria Gigante March 21, 2014 at 2:39 pm

Annie,

You’re actually very clear about this situation, and on the right track. This is HIS story, based in insecurity, fear and lack of trust. So, what can you do? Let it be his story and live your life. Whether you decide to stay with him, move on, get married, etc.? Well, you’ll know when it’s time to make a decision. And you’ll know what that decision needs to be. At some point, you’ll want to move forward – whatever that may mean for YOU.

Sending Peace + Clarity,
Victoria

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teresa March 20, 2014 at 4:13 pm

My boyfriend snooped on my phone while I was sleeping last night, and i found out he has done it before. He admits he doesn’t trust me (and i haven’t given him a reason not to) and I have no idea what to do.

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Victoria Gigante March 22, 2014 at 6:16 am

Teresa,

If you haven’t given him a reason to feel he cannot trust you, then this is clearly HIS story – not yours. He must work out why he feels insecure, and why he feels the need to check your phone. If he communicates that there is something you are doing that triggers this mistrust, then perhaps that is something you can work through – but if this hasn’t been brought on by anything specific, then it’s up to HIM to figure out where the trust issues are stemming from. You can be patient. You can help facilitate his personal exploration. If things don’t change and you get to the point where you’ve had enough, you’ll know. Situations like this can get stressful, especially when YOU aren’t doing anything to trigger HIS insecurities. Communicate with him in a loving a compassionate way and see if you two can get to the bottom of this trust situation.

Sending Peace + Patience,
Victoria

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Luke March 20, 2014 at 9:37 pm

Great site lots of good info, Ive got one for you, My wife we have been married for 6 months now, we dated for 3yrs prior, Well my wife works in a hospital environment in a lab she works with a guy that was dating her roommate when we met, every time Ive seen this guy he was always acting weird towards me, and one day I asked her if there was a connection between the two of them, and for 3yr’s every time I asked she said No nothing ever happened between them,
Then the night before our wedding her friend and bridesmaid brought something up that made me think there might be something in her past that involved that guy, well I waited until after the honeymoon and about a month later when she was back working with him again I asked her again and she still denied it but finally after some prying on my part she admitted to sleeping with him a few weeks before we met, so she lied to me about him and she said that she was drunk when it happened and they are just friends now, but the day I found out about this lie, she decided to call in sick to work and that night he called to check on her. she didn’t answer and he left a vm and as soon as she listened to the vm she deleted it…So now my life has been a wondering mess, she still works with him occasionally and says she cant get out of it, but for the last two months she has been switching with ppl to get every Friday night off for a sport she plays…weird huh……Also he is married and I’ve seen how my wife acts around his wife and she is very rude to her doesn’t even acknowledge her which I find rude. This has been a mess and we don’t really fight about it but it still bothers me when they work together it pisses me off and I’ve been biting my tongue and not saying anything but I don’t like it and that doesn’t seem to matter. Also she is 6months pregnant now which makes it harder to say anything.. this post has the right email sry plz delete the last one

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Victoria Gigante March 22, 2014 at 6:24 am

Luke,

I find it fascinating that you chose to hold off on confronting your now-wife until AFTER the wedding. I’m curious what your thought process was, because to me – that seems like something I’d want to clear up PRIOR to walking down the aisle. I only bring this up because it says something about YOU. Explore why you chose to hold off, and not address this head on at that point.

That being said, here are some things to think about:
You’ve been married for 6 months. You don’t trust your wife. She’s 6 months pregnant.

1. What is your gut telling you in this situation?
2. What would it take for you to feel like you can trust her again?
3. What would you do in this situation if you weren’t afraid?

This is definitely something we could work through in coaching. This is a very dynamic situation. Just remember that communication is critical. Don’t ignore this.

Sending Peace & Calm,
Victoria

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E! March 24, 2014 at 4:28 pm

Hi Victoria,

I’m in a lot of pain and my prayers, it seems, have led me to you.

I recently found a flirtatious email chain between my wife and a client of hers and it’s driving me crazy! This is not the first time something like this happens. A few years back, while we were still dating, I found she was flirting with an ex on Facebook a few weeks before we were to go on a trip to Europe where we were to get engaged. The trip took place, the engagement didn’t, so you can imagine what a fun trip that was.

The truth is, I don’t think I ever recovered my trust in her, not only for a lack of me trying but also from a lack of her making an effort to gain it back. Snooping has become the only way for me to find the truth in anything she does. For example, a few years back she had a bachelorette party that involved all the girls going to a strip club to which she knew I was opposed. After telling me she really didn’t want to go but it was more of an obligation as a bridesmaid, I found on her email correspondence with the group that she was one of the most excited to go out to this place, she avoided me the entire day and decided, I guess, to deal with the consequences after it was done.

I feel lost and in constant fear. This is my second marriage and I feel like I’ve tried so many things to make it work! I feel that there really is great potential for us, if we ever learn how to communicate and be truly honest with each other. With that said, I don’t know if I can get over this recent indiscretion. How can I and still feel any self worth!?! I’ve lost all respect for her and myself in the process and I really don’t know if I can find a way back, I’m just terrified of going through the excruciating pain of divorce one more time.

Thanks for your advice.

E!

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Victoria Gigante March 26, 2014 at 1:09 pm

E!

You know what you both NEED and WANT to do. You’ve spelled it out. This isn’t about seeking advice.

Things I often say:
“What would you do if you weren’t afraid?” You know the answer.
“Don’t me in a relationship with potential.” You know you ARE.

You’ve written: “I’m just terrified of going through the excruciating pain of divorce one more time.”

It’s as painful as you make it. Let me ask you something: What’s more painful? Going through a divorce and moving forward, or remaining in this spiral?

I just posted an entry: “How Do I Overcome Insecurity in My Relationship?” (http://www.victoriagigante.com/how-do-i-overcome-insecurity-in-my-relationship/)

Ride the wave, or get out of the ocean E!.

Sending Peace & Courage,
Victoria

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Mohamed March 25, 2014 at 8:21 pm

He victoria , my finance and i before we got Engaged she was my girlfriend for a year and through that year a lot of things happened , that every time i broke up with her she immediately go and call her ex-boyfriend to tell him what happened and like she said after that, she wanted someone to talk with and he was a good listener after we broke up we got together and i found every time that she talked to him and every time i get annoyed and told her that this make me mad , and her replay was ” we weren’t together when i called him and you should be grateful that i told you and she says she is sorry and after that she does it again , we got engaged and i have this fear of breaking up with her because am afraid she talks to him again even if she did something wrong am afraid to take any actions and i always check her phones but nothing there but i always have this feeling that she is still talk to him , and when i tell her that i feel that way she says i never cheated on you and you can see that and when i bring her ex boyfriend subject she says we weren’t together , sorry i know my english is very bad but please if you can translate that help me 😀 thank you

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Victoria Gigante March 26, 2014 at 1:14 pm

Mohamed,

You haven’t been together with this person very long, and it sounds like you want to end this relationship – yet you’re afraid to end it because… she may talk to her ex-boyfriend? Why would it matter if you’re breaking up with her?

There is a cycle occurring here – break up, get together, break up, get together. Her calling her boyfriend is just a symptom of a deeper issue.

Do you really feel that it is wise to enter into a marriage with this person?

I highly recommend you check out my coaching page: http://www.victoriagigante.com/hire-me/

This is something we could work on together.

Sending Peace + Clarity,
Victoria

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Shane March 29, 2014 at 2:27 pm

I have been dating my girlfriend for a year now. We are both attending the same college and it is where we met. The last few months for us have been really rough. Convinced it was just a bump in the relationship we both kept fighting for each other. My girlfriend deals with severe depression and takes medicine for it. Anyway, we have been fighting pretty much on a weekly basis. A few months ago I saw another guy text her. She knew him from home, as we both live in different states. I asked her about it and she said he was just a friend and I had nothing to worry about. She went out one weekend and left her phone. I just had a bad feeling that I wanted to get rid of so I looked through her phone in hopes of showing myself that I was making a big deal over nothing. It turns out she had told this guy she hates our relationship and she is only still with me because of her family. A week or so later we got in a fight and I accused her of only being with me because her parents love me. She was hurt by this and said how dare I say such a thing. I felt bad and I dropped it because I figured she was just frustrated and needed to vent to someone. Fast forward a few months. Our 1 year anniversary is in a week. I know she has been texting this guy still and she just doesn’t seem interested in me anymore. She went out last nigh and left her phone. Again I went through it and she has been talking to him for months. Apparently he is in love with her and has been for a long time. She had told me about a month ago that he has always been in love with her because they said if they were both single when they were 25 then they’d give each other a shot. They made that deal when they were in the 8th grade, so it’s been years. Anyway, back to her texts. She always texts him first using smiley faces and seeming really excited to talk to him. He always says he loves her and she is beautiful and they will be together one day. She entertains the idea and says I love you too and she even says it first sometimes. She also talks really bad about me saying she hates me and I treat her like dirt and I don’t care about her. A couple weeks ago we had spring break and she went home and I went to my home. It turns out that they went on a date and he got her a rose which she keeps in her room at school. Now, I haven’t brought anything up to her and I love this girl more than anything in the world, but I don’t know what to do. I know if I break up with her I’m going to be miserable and probably. It come back to school. And she could either go spiraling down with her depression or go and start dating this guy. I don’t want to leave. I couldn’t do it. I just don’t know what to do or how to approach her about the situation because I went through her phone. I’ve tried to make her feel special the last week with our anniversary coming up, but everything I do she seems to appreciate if for about 10 minutes and then she goes back to being distant. I should probably include that when we started dating our axe life was very active and great. Now we rarely have sex. Maybe once a month and it’s not the same. There isn’t any passion like there used to be. She never wants to have sex and I feel so guilty every time I either try to get her in the mood or after we do ahave sex I feel like she dreads every minute of it. I always always make sure to fully satisfy her first to see if that helps, but it doesn’t seem to help much. She says she is uncomfortable with her body but she is so beautiful and wouldn’t choose any girl over her. And I always remind her of that, but she never believe me. If anybody has any idea what to do please give me some advice. I don’t want to lose her even though I feel like I already have.

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Victoria Gigante March 31, 2014 at 6:13 am

Shane,

Just re-read what you wrote. Here’s the issue: “I know if I break up with her I’m going to be miserable.”

Empower yourself. Embrace your fear. Move on. If you refuse to step into your fear, then learn to accept that you are with someone that doesn’t want to be with you.

The limiting belief you need to overcome: That you won’t be happy without her. Are you really happy now?

Sending peace, clarity, & COURAGE,
-Victoria

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Donna March 30, 2014 at 1:08 pm

my bf and i dated for 2 years, he even lived with me for about 9 months-he always talked about other girls and one night while he was drinking he got a text that said im at work sweetheart so i questioned him about it which he said was innocent but he would not be without his phone and took it everywhere with him bathroom , outside, everywhere. So that was like 2 weeks b4 we broke up so i contacted the girl and they had been talking/texting for months and started sleeping together. In Feb he contacted me so we started seeing each other only to find out he was hanging out “with his best friend” but they were sleeping together too..she would text while i was there so i said if nothing is going on then tell her im here and we are trying to work things out so he did but then the next day i had a gut feeling and looked through his phone to find him texting her when id leave and ask her to come over and would tell her i was there but nothing happened between us and then he said i had made him say that stuff about us trying to work things out but that he didnt want me ……i left for 7 days he texted me and i went back only to have another girl text him while i was there and i said if its just friends why cant you talk or text in front of me and he said it was just awkward so we were back together a whole 4 days b4 he broke up with me again but everything is my fault that he talked to them. He says i have issues and im crazy…..all because i was asking to be the only girl ….he kept saying for me to trust him and i was the one he was in love with but his text said differently……If I dont deserve to be number one then he dont deserve me to be number two or three

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Victoria Gigante March 31, 2014 at 9:57 am

Donna,

YES. If what you desire is an exclusive relationship with one partner, then the situation you’ve described isn’t what you’re looking for. From what you’ve written, it sounds like you’ve found the self-worth to walk away and find something more in alignment with what you want.

DON’T LOOK BACK.

You’ve got this.

Sending peace & strength,
Victoria

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Donna April 11, 2014 at 2:15 pm

its me again, I looked again and he talks bad about me to other girls….he says im a physco b**ch and hes glad to be done with me and i come over cause i wont leave him alone , he dont know i saw this and then to me he says how much he loves me and wants me to come over as much as i can. He says ive got problems and issues …..at least i can tell the truth…..if i confront him on anything he fusses cusses me and says im the one that wont let us be happy and i should trust him. He says im jealous when i ask to be the only girl but i dont think that jealous thats just expressing what i want.

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Victoria Gigante April 12, 2014 at 11:48 am

Donna,

Why do you want to be his only girl? And at this point, why do you even want his validation?

Look within yourself. Step into fear. Do you really want to be with someone that speaks poorly about you?

Sending COURAGE,
Victoria

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Tracy April 2, 2014 at 10:30 am

After several long term relationships that ended with infidelity, I realized that the “signs” and the “gut-feelings” were always there, but I was blinded. Five years later, I have gained my confidence back to start dating once again only to find myself in the same situation. I am always giving my current partner the benefit of a doubt and do not look for any “proof” of deceit, but I have caught her with small insignificant lies ex. finding out, the day of, that christmas is at her house. She understands my insecurities and she used to do a pretty good job at reassuring me, but has become wary of the situation and paying for my exes’ mistakes. I try to remind her that it is a working progress and takes effort from both of us. I have followed your seven steps to overcoming my insecurities, but the reaction I get from her is always so defensive. So communication has turned into arguments over the same things again and again. We both want this relationship to work out and are looking at long term, but I just can’t shake that gut feeling that I am always just getting partial of the truth because some stories just do not make sense and she fears how I am going to react if I was told the truth so she will say “Next time, I just won’t say anything.” I am tired of feeling and thinking this way, are we pushing for something that we need to just let go of?

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Victoria Gigante April 2, 2014 at 7:20 pm

Tracy,

This concerns me: “I have followed your seven steps to overcoming my insecurities, but the reaction I get from her is always so defensive.”

And this: “Some stories just do not make sense and she fears how I am going to react if I was told the truth so she will say “Next time, I just won’t say anything.”

So essentially, you’re being backed into a corner. Not only is she unapproachable and unwilling to have a conversation with you, but she’s leaving you with ZERO options for working through this.

Relationships take work, and require both people to be open. If she isn’t willing to listen and take steps to help you work through this, then you have 2 choices:

Accept the situation as it is or move on.

Harsh, but true.

Sending peace & clarity,
Victoria

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Robert April 2, 2014 at 1:13 pm

Hi victoria,
Is trusting your gut always the right way to go?
Im from a small town and i currently study in the city, through the week i live in the city and on the weekends i go back to my town. When i go back my friends ” best friends” tell my that they seen or heard that my girlfriend has gone out with another guy, or that shes been talking to another guy. i ask them if theyve personally seen them go out or if they have proof while some say that they have seen them , others just tell me that they have heard about the rumor. I have confronted this with my girlfriend in person in a matture way and we en up fighting , i ask her to be honest and tell me the truth and she just explodes and gets angry about it. How do i know if shes being honest ? i know that trust comes first but i feel that something is wrong. my GUT tells me something is wrong. The simple fact that my best friend tells me , makes me doubt if shes being honest or not, and more by the way she reacts when i tell her. Its more than obvious that a girl will never tell you that she cheated on you. no girl ever will tell you that theyve cheated on you. she asked me for some time so that we could think things out and so i could see if i could trust her or not. so i gave her time and not even a day passed by when shes texts me telling me that she didnt want time that all she wanted is to be with me.
the problem is that when my best friend tells me that something is up its because something is up. and i feel it in my gut. I dont know if i should trust her and listen to her explanations or just trust my gut.
a little history about my girlfriend is that two years ago we were dating , for reason we broke up. months later she started dating another guy , but she kept talking to me , telling me that she was only dating him to try and forget me.We kept talking while she dated this other guy , and to the point that she cheated on him with me . she broke up with him and months later we started dating again.
now we have 1 year and a half together we have had amazing memories together and have done so many beautiful things and if shes with me stil its cause she loves me. i dont think what my best friends tell me is true. the point is that i think i feel that i dont really trust because of what we did in the past. im afraid that she is cheating on me how we did 2 years ago. maybe its karma, but i dont know.

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Victoria Gigante April 2, 2014 at 8:09 pm

Robert,

There seems to be a lot of confusion surrounding this situation.

This part: “We kept talking while she dated this other guy, to the point that she cheated on him with me.”

This concerns me. She hasn’t had time on her own. She jumps from relationship to relationship. This is a sign that she is an insecure person that fears being alone.

Ask yourself these questions:
What reason would your best friend have to raise concerns about this?
What’s causing such a volatile reaction from your girlfriend?

I know you WANT to trust your girlfriend, but from what you’ve written your gut is screaming that something just isn’t right – and you’re with someone that won’t even entertain discussing it. This seems strange to me since you DO have a history of cheating. I’d think she’d be even more understanding of your need for transparency.

Have an open, loving conversation with her. Don’t expect her to fess up, because that implies you already KNOW she’s cheated on you. Communicate.

Sending peace & calm,
Victoria

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John April 3, 2014 at 11:21 am

Victoria,
Thanks for doing what you are doing.

I met my girlfriend through a friend, and we have know each other for a couple of years now, originally as just acquaintances (randomly see them at a bar/event, etc.). During this time, I have noticed that she is a fun party girl with a promiscuous side to her. Of course, this didn’t bother me at the time. Well, about 3 months ago we are hanging out at a bar and ultimately leave with one another. After that, we start hanging out a lot, and my mindset is “I am just having fun and don’t want anything serious.” At the time, I viewed her as beautiful girl with a fun personality, but probably not “wife material.”

Well, like all well-thought out plans, my “just having fun” mindset bombs. I end up falling for her, and we decide to see each other exclusively. The first two months were fantastic (got along great, cooked together, worked out together, spent nearly every night together, etc.) Problem is that her promiscuous side/past really started to come back and haunt me. My strong, passionate feelings for her resulted in paranoia, doubt, and mistrust. I began analyzing her based on her past (promiscuous side, cheated in previous relationships where she was unhappy, etc.)

“Can I trust a girl that’s promiscuous?”
“She cheated before when she was unhappy, what will happen when we hit a rough patch?”
“How many guys has she slept with?”
“Does she maintain communication with any of them still?”

I begin to invent scenarios in my mind, resulting in self-inflicted anxiety and fear.

Ultimately, my brain was a jumbled mess and I eventually did what you advise against: I scoured through here phone looking for some sort of evidence to either prove that she can’t be trusted or gain assurance. I ended up finding some evidence that she went out on a date with a guy when we were hanging, but before we had our “define the relationship” talk. I was upset about it, but I understand her position and was able to see past that particular episode. Additionally, I found that she does maintain some contact with previous flings.

After all of that, I am still constantly paranoid and mistrusting. I have asked her questions, while knowing the answer (from going through her phone), just to see if she is truthful (horrible, I know). So far, she has been very upfront and honest. We did talk several times about how her past really bothers me, and she gets frustrated with the line of questioning but has been very patient and understanding. However, there is still part of me that still experiences anxiety.

Throughout all of this detective work, I have gained some trust in her, but now my anxiety has shifted to “Can I see myself marrying this girl?” Again, we are in month 3! It seems to me that I am looking for an excuse to break off this relationship. I am completely torn and exhausted at this point because when I am with her, I am at complete ease and happiness. When she is gone, I am flooded with anxiety as my mind goes into “predicting the future” mode. To make matters worse, I am starting to feel pressure, both external and internal, to start shifting my focus to marriage and starting a family (I am 31 years old).

I have never been like this in the past. I am completely secure in my basic needs: I have a great job, great groups of friends, loving family, etc.

I am hoping you can help me get to the core of what I am feeling.

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Victoria Gigante April 7, 2014 at 7:14 pm

Hi John,

Thank you for sharing. It sounds like this isn’t an issue about trust anymore. You’ve done what you can to sort out the WHY behind your insecurity, and you’ve spoken to her about it. Now it’s just a matter of time and practice.

The real concern seems to stem from this sentence: “Can I see myself marrying this girl?”

Do not confuse these two concerns. They are related in some ways, and unrelated in others. You can work through your anxiety about this woman’s past. Whether or not she’s “wife material” is something only you know.

This is something we could sort through in coaching. From the little information I have here, I’d say it’s time to get clear about what you want.

Sending peace & clarity,
Victoria

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Natalie April 8, 2014 at 3:33 pm

Hi Victoria,

I am really hoping you can help me out with some guidance or advice. First off I want to say it is too late I bit the bullet – I had suspicions and I looked at my girlfirend’s phone. We have been dating for 4 years and I feel that being in a female-female relationships and having girls that are friends is sometimes challenging.

We have had issues in the past where my girlfriend was not able to draw boundaries and I had felt as though we have gotten past that. Now she has been spending a lot of time with a new girlfriend and I found that I was getting jealous purely because I was not getting the same commitment as said friend. I told her adamantly how it bothered me and I felt that her commitment to spending time with me was extremely lacking. Now it has been 3 months and we have continually had the same conversation and nothing has changed. She continually made promises about doing things and never made it on time because she was spending time with this friend. Most of the reason why we don’t get to spend too much time together is because we both work full time and she goes to school while I have a second part time job. So our time is extremely valuable.

I did look at her phone and everything with this girl was deleted. So basically I know that something was there that she did not want me to see. I am ready to just apologize for looking and lay it all out on the table once again and ask what is really going on. I have already asked her outright if she was cheating, when she confirmed that nothing was.

Thanks for your input.

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Victoria Gigante April 9, 2014 at 5:34 am

Natalie,

Thank you for sharing your story. Check out this article: http://www.victoriagigante.com/how-do-i-overcome-insecurity-in-my-relationship/

Specifically, look at the part about separating fact from fiction, and then moving forward from there. An open and honest conversation needs to occur. Her response to your concerns will be an eye opener, I’m sure. If you remain present when speaking with her, you’ll gain clarity about your next step.

Sending Peace & Courage,
Victoria

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Ralph April 8, 2014 at 5:34 pm

I’m not so sure my story is unique, but here it goes…my gf and I have been together for almost 10 years. It has been an off and on again thing at first. Quite honestly, at first I treated her very bad. I broke rules we had set for ourselves, bailed on plans, at one point told her I didn’t know if I loved her anymore. When we broke up we still spent time together and I would go so far as to say “Are you sure it’s a good idea? I wouldn’t want you to misinterpret it”…meaning that just b/c we were spending time together didn’t mean something was going to happen. I was horrible and ashamed of how I was to her. We had broken up for a month or two and during that time I started talking to someone else who had sent me an inappropriate photo, it went nowhere and my own neglect (nothing more) resulted in me not deleting the photo. After getting back together she asked if there’d been someone else I repeatedly told her no because I didn’t want to lose her. Some time later she went through my phone and found the photo and I don’t have to tell you the outcome. After some time apart she decided to give it another shot. I did everything I could to make up for it and have been ever since (couple years). She still throws it in my face in almost every argument, along with other things I did back then….and always tells me she doesn’t trust me and either she don’t know if she can get over it, or that she will never get over it (varies). Shortly after getting back together I found some flirty messages on her phone from a guy and asked her about it. She told me she was sorry I thought there was someone else, that there wasn’t, and that it was one of her friends and she didn’t know how to blow him off w/out being rude. I got over it, after all, she did give me another chance. Fast fwd 2 years…we’ve been talking about moving in together which for some reason gave me a huge wave of anxiety. Given the stakes I got on her fb and found more emails between her and this same guy, some are definitely flirtatious in nature, and dont’ know how to confront her without coming off like a jerk. I know I shouldn’t have snooped, but i did and now I don’t know what to do. She’s told me at different times she wanted to end things, and I did whatever it took to save it. I feel guilty for what I did before, but now I am on the receiving end of getting treated like crap and am really at my breaking point. She asks me constantly if “there’s something going on” and I assure her there’s not (seriously, there’s not). I stopped talking to any female friends I had out of respect and she definitely hasn’t done the same. Help!!

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Victoria Gigante April 9, 2014 at 5:45 am

Ralph,

Thank you for sharing. Often times, relationships that start in turmoil end in turmoil. There has been a lot of back-and-forth between the two of you over the years. I’m curious what switched for you the moment you decided to actually start dating her seriously. From what you’ve written, it doesn’t seem like you were too into her at first. What changed? Were you actually more drawn to her, or did something else happen?

It sounds like both of you need to get clear with why you want to be together. Moving in together? Not so fast. If anything, it would only serve as a momentary high to get you to the next blow out.

Communicate. But first – figure out if/why you want to be with this person.

Not this person’s POTENTIAL – this person, as she stands in front of you TODAY.

This isn’t about her talking to guys and photos in phones. Those are symptoms. Address the problem.

Sending Peace & Clarity,
Victoria

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Ralph April 9, 2014 at 10:32 pm

Thanks for your reply. Well when she found the photo the reality of all I’d done to her really crashed on me especially when I heard the sadness in her voice and could tell I’d broken her heart. I’d realized that nobody deserves to be treated that way and I felt a huge regret for having done that to her. Yes getting “caught” with that photo (which was in a phone I was no longer using) might’ve been the catalyst, but in the 2 years since I’ve tried all I could and am out of “try”. We talked today and she gave me the ultimatum of moving in or being done. We got into a horrible argument before that, but wound up talking rationally. When talking I tried to tell her the problems I have with the relationship, and that if she really couldn’t get over it and if it stayed the way it is then it wouldn’t work, despite what love we still have. She tried shifting focus to moving in, which to me seems to be “putting the cart before the horse”. Bottom line is I have this ultimatum and she has children. I don’t want to be in, or have them in, an environment of the adults fighting, and the constant threats of leaving (from her thus far) is not something I can deal with. Moving in is supposed to be a happy time, and nothing about this is happy. It has been 8 years, but of off and on, and ups and downs…so I see her point on that part, but in that time we’ve sat idle as far as moving on past the photo incident. I thought that living together would make things better, and it may…temporarily…but I think it’d lead to even bigger problems than we have now.

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Ralph April 21, 2014 at 2:26 am

Thanks for your reply. Well when she found the photo the reality of all I’d done to her really crashed on me especially when I heard the sadness in her voice and could tell I’d broken her heart. I’d realized that nobody deserves to be treated that way and I felt a huge regret for having done that to her. Yes getting “caught” with that photo (which was in a phone I was no longer using) might’ve been the catalyst, but in the 2 years since I’ve tried all I could and am out of “try”. We talked today and she gave me the ultimatum of moving in or being done. We got into a horrible argument before that, but wound up talking rationally. When talking I tried to tell her the problems I have with the relationship, and that if she really couldn’t get over it and if it stayed the way it is then it wouldn’t work, despite what love we still have. She tried shifting focus to moving in, which to me seems to be “putting the cart before the horse”. Bottom line is I have this ultimatum and she has children. I don’t want to be in, or have them in, an environment of the adults fighting, and the constant threats of leaving (from her thus far) is not something I can deal with. Moving in is supposed to be a happy time, and nothing about this is happy. It has been 8 years, but of off and on, and ups and downs…so I see her point on that part, but in that time we’ve sat idle as far as moving on past the photo incident. I thought that living together would make things better, and it may…temporarily…but I think it’d lead to even bigger problems than we have now.

She is giving me the same ultimatum of moving in or ending the relationship so time is definitely of the essence, part of me does want to give it a try, but I keep having this constant thought/inner voice of not doing it, even if it means ending the relationship as I can see myself getting trapped in a bad situation…I did ask her if if would be possible of letting the past be the past and moving on, she said she couldn’t honestly say she wouldn’t bring it up again…so while my head is saying run…my heart isn’t exactly on the same page.

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Victoria Gigante April 23, 2014 at 8:23 am

Ralph,

Ultimatums have no place in healthy relationships. Find the balance between your head, heart and gut.

You’ve got this.

Sending Clarity & Strength,
Victoria

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Ralph April 23, 2014 at 10:18 pm

Thanks for your reply. Well when she found the photo the reality of all I’d done to her really crashed on me especially when I heard the sadness in her voice and could tell I’d broken her heart. I’d realized that nobody deserves to be treated that way and I felt a huge regret for […]

Ralph,

Ultimatums have no place in healthy relationships. Find the balance between your head, heart and gut.

You’ve got this.

Sending Clarity & Strength,
Victoria

Thank you. I would tend to agree. I’ve also realized lately that I have, and have always had, an issue with anxiety. Not the normal levels that apparently everyone has, but to the point it’s debilitating and extreme (I have since went to the dr to get help with this). Well this is yet another thing I made the mistake of telling her and has been tossed in my face. She is a type that when we argue she goes straight for the jugular and says things that if it were a man would absolutely be “fighting words”. It’s as if she seeks out the things she can say to try to hurt me the most, and I’m just not made up that way. However, when I do actually stand up for myself it turns back into things I’ve done in the past and talks of ending the relationship come about yet again. This came about just 2 days ago. Like a sap I try to make things work, but have found I’m slowly breaking the habbit of trying to rush in and fix things as if someone doesn’t want something I certainly am not going to try to fight to keep them. So sadly I find myself in a constant roller coaster, as does she and while I definitely have had thoughts of ending things, I certainly don’t threaten with it and haven’t said anything for the fact that I don’t feel that’s something you should bring up unless you’re prepared to act on it as it can otherwise be seen as a threat, or you holding things over their head, which is exactly what she has been doing.

I’ve been reading about “emotional bullys” and “emotional abusers” online and it’s shocking how many things I read that describe the situation that I thought nobody would understand. One key thing I read was that they would constantly throw your past mistakes up and hold them over you in an effort to try to control you, so I definitely have a lot to think about as my head and heart seem to disagree in this instance.

alejandro April 10, 2014 at 7:55 pm

Ok I understand your points. But what if even with that honest and sincere conversation the person still lies about they’re infidelity? You asking in a sincere manner is just going to cause him or her to comfort you, not to tell you the truth. Anyone can act as if they are being honest while still hiding a dark secret.

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Victoria Gigante April 12, 2014 at 11:43 am

Alejandro,

You have to trust your gut: If you ask, and they deny, and you still don’t trust them – talk to them about THAT. Explain exactly WHY you still feel that way. Then make a decision.

Also, if you ask and they get defensive – what’s up?

All things to think about. It always goes back to YOU though, and how you feel in the relationship. If you show up and do your part, all you can hope is that your partner will do the same. If they don’t, then it’s time to move on.

Sending Peace + Clarity,
Victoria

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Bill April 17, 2014 at 4:25 pm

My gf and I were dating for 9 months when she started hanging out with a new guy friend. I’m trying to figure out if I should say anything more to my girlfriend about what’s happened between us recently

here’s the summation:

She has been spending a lot of time going out with this new guy friend, each time she goes out, she seems to meet up with him, even during the week when her girlfriends go out to dinner, then they stay out til the bars close. so I got jealous and checked her phone, multiple times. she called me out on it and I tried to lie my way out of it and then finally acknowledged I looked. I chalked it up to having these “bad dreams” about her and another guy.. but really it was her interaction with this guy. he has invited her on a St. Patricks Day getaway with other friends, on a cruise with other friends (which she accepted but may not go now bc of work) and when they go out she gets wasted. he wrote happy birthday on her Facebook wall 2hrs early. he is her #1 Snapchat best friend and they text and call. they even went out to dinner with her and one of her friends and him and one of his friends. when she first knew I was checking her phone but didn’t tell me she knew, she asked if something was bothering me and if she could help. I told her “no its something I need to do on my own”. obviously that didn’t go well.
now it has been a month since the phone checking thing happened. I told her the other day I feel like we have been growing apart since then and she said she does think about what I did a lot. I never confronted her about my concerns with how quickly her time with this guy has increased. should I tell her that now?
I am thinking of saying that I approached this all the wrong way, I should have communicated with her before looking in her phone and told her that the late nights and dinners were making me concerned and that after she saw I checked her phone, I asked her about their interaction and she said “they are friends” and that she “wasn’t interested”.
Do I drop it and just try to be my best self or try to explain to her that I am not comfortable with their interaction, even though I trust her? I don’t want to come off as insecure and jealous anymore than I already have and that she has apparently forgiven me for.

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Victoria Gigante April 20, 2014 at 8:48 am

Thank you for sharing Bill.

“I am thinking of saying that I approached this all the wrong way, I should have communicated with her before looking in her phone and told her that the late nights and dinners were making me concerned.”

YES. Communicate. Before you do that though, really ask yourself what it is about these interactions that concerns you? What’s at the root cause?

In situations like this, the fact that your partner is spending time with someone else is simply a symptom of a deeper issue in the relationship – usually one that you’re aware of. For example, has your connection with each other been dwindling? What’s at the root of your insecurity?

THAT’S what you need to explore together. The fact is that she IS spending a lot of time with this guy. Why is that?

Be curious – not accusatory. Make sense?

Sending Peace & Calm,
Victoria

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Bill April 20, 2014 at 9:01 am

Thanks for the reply Victoria. Our relationship has been going the same, it just bothers me with all this time they are spending and how quickly it has escalated. On Thursday night I offered to come visit her because I was off Friday (we are long distance). She told me not to come because we weren’t sure where Easter would be. Then she goes out to dinner late with him again, ignores my text while she’s out and calls me at 1am. I confronted her about her new interactions about the guy and told her my concerns. She basically said that she likes having guy friends and she will. Two of her guy friends moved away last year so she has missed that. My problem is I trusted those guys, they were friends for years. This guy is new and I think his intentions are to steal her.

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Victoria Gigante April 20, 2014 at 8:45 pm

Bill,

You have a choice: Accept the situation as it is, or move on. You’ve voiced your concerns, and she’s expressed how she feels.

Remember this: Relationships require TWO people that are equally committed to making it work – especially if you intend on making it last for the long haul.

You’ve got this.

Sending Peace & Calm,
Victoria

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Ralph April 23, 2014 at 10:32 pm

Hi Bill –

Just a curiosity here, but if the situation were reversed, and it was you spending time with a girl as much as she is with this guy, would she have a problem with it? Do you have female friends, and if so, does she have a problem when you talk to them? Just my opinion would be to try to redevelop relationships with female friends that you may have lost during the course of your relationship, or should the same opportunity come about for you then explore it. By no means would I say to do this just out of spite, and if you don’t have any interest in doing that then by all means don’t. But as pointed out you’ve expressed your concerns and she has as well. While I tend to think that the interactions you’re describing are inappropriate (between her and him) there are many guys and girls who are just friends. Has she ever invited you to go out when they all go? If she does, then give it a shot, if she never does, then that may be something to think about. I have experienced this before with both outcomes of that something more than friends was going on, and then where I found it was just me and nothing was going on. I think the bottom line is that if you’re not comfortable with the situation, voice it to her (if it wasn’t already covered when you talked to her) if she seems to disregard your problems then you’re unfortunately faced with a decision of whether or not to try to keep the relationship.

I say this from past and current experience as I’m going through many things myself and this site has been very helpful thus far.

I wish you the best of luck!

Bill April 28, 2014 at 9:48 am

Hi Victoria and Ralph,

I have come to decide to accept the situation as it is, although I don’t like it. Last week they went to dinner and a drink by themselves (because she said her roommate was going to join and then couldn’t). This weekend, they were out late again with a group (her and her roommate, him and a friend). I had told her that I would feel better about it if I met him and she said that was necessary. So I do think it is weird that she is hiding him.

What is bothering me now is something I need to get over. I am feeling like they were “fated” to get together. We are long distance and the night they first started hanging out she was going to come visit me but by many different factors, I happened to not be in town so she couldn’t visit. I feel like if I had been in town, she would have visited me and they might not have yet met for that first hangout. Ever since then, their friendship has escalated quickly to him inviting her for a St. Patrick’s Day trip and on a cruise, plus who knows what else I don’t know about. So I am feeling like maybe they were meant to be.

For the past month and a half, my girlfriend has not told me that she misses me and is reluctant to make long term plans. June is our one-year and I plan to give her a trip with me this winter to a tropical island. If we make it till then, her reaction to that gift should tell me something about how she feels. I am getting the feeling that she is keeping me around while she gets to know this guy better so that one day she can dump me and move on. It is a horrible feeling. Advice is appreciated.

Jay Puckett April 20, 2014 at 4:45 pm

Greetings all I am having somewhat of a situation with my wife and her ex-husband and many many other thing. I am only thirty years old and I am a disabled vet so the pref I have and this on top of it is driving me absolutely insane. I would rather not go into details

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Victoria Gigante April 20, 2014 at 8:48 pm

Jay,

It sounds like you are going through a difficult time. You are not alone. Feel free to reach out to me directly if you’d like to discuss private, one-on-one coaching (email me at info@victoriagigante.com, or fill out the survey on this page: http://www.victoriagigante.com/hire-me/).

Sending Peace & Calm,
Victoria

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Bill April 28, 2014 at 2:24 pm

So my girlfriend of 6 months got a text from an ex hook up the other day. I saw that it came in on her phone but made nothing of it because I do trust her. The next day I saw that he texted her again, a few hours after that she was texting away from me as so I couldn’t see the screen. At first I didn’t make anything of it, then curiosity got the best of me and I had to know what was up. When she went to take a shower this morning I checked her phone. The guy is coming down to NYC for a family thing and wants to see her while he is here. They are going to get drinks after work and it was obvious that he was hitting on her through text. This didn’t bother me as much as the fact that she wasn’t really stopping it. She told me that she is going to get dinner with her friends, which may in fact be true, but she didn’t mention at all that she is going to meet up with this guy. My question now is: what do I do…..I want to trust her, that she is going to get a couple drinks with this guy and catch up but the fact that she is hiding this from me in the first place envokes rage. I don’t want to tell her that I went through her phone but I don’t want to ignore the situation completely. I could use some help.

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Victoria Gigante April 29, 2014 at 11:57 am

Thank you for sharing. Have you asked her who she’s going to get drinks with? If she admits that she’s going with this guy, then you have the option to confront her head on about how you feel. If she lies about who she’s going with, well – then you have to make a choice. Trust your gut or trust her. Your gut is screaming that something’s up. Honor that.

Sending Peace & Clarity,
Victoria

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Hurt and Confused April 30, 2014 at 2:26 am

First let me apologize for the lengthy post, but I so hope that you read the whole thing. I am in need of some advice, if not direction. The issue at hand is that my girlfriend/significant other has lied to me about a text message that she received. I knew or had a gut feeling that something was not right with it by the way she reacted and then acted about the message. My problem, in addition to the fact that she has lied to me, is that I obtained the proof that she is lying by looking at the text messages on her phone.

First some background. We are not teenagers or twenty something’s. We are both over 50. We each have 3 children with 1 of mine still in high school. I am divorced and she is in the process of finalizing her divorce. Both of us were married for over 20 years. Her entire marriage was bad, while mine was bad for the second half. Both of us were unfaithful during our marriages , myself just once at the end of the marriage and with her, I think multiple times over a fairly lengthy period of time. I am in no way, nor have I judged her on this. Our pasts are just that, our pasts. We have known each other or over 30 years, meeting in high school. We went out a few times in high school but didn’t really date. She has told me that she had feelings for me back then. As for myself, being young and dumb, I didn’t really have feelings for anyone back then. Through high school we moved in different directions, we were just friends. We did get together several times after I graduated from high school in what I would describe as a friends with benefits relationship, so there was some intimacy back in the day.

Fast forward some 29 years later and we reconnected through Facebook. Intimacy came quickly and early on in our relationship. What started as 2 grown adults seeing each other, blossomed into a relationship where we each realized that we had very strong feelings for each other. These feelings turned out to be love. We never discussed our relationship being exclusive, I think we both just assumed it because of how we felt. I know I have treated it as just that and she has told me that she has as well. We have been going strong for 2 years now and have actually talked at length about the future – a future together. With the exception of it being a long distance relationship, it has been a fun, exciting and comfortable relationship for over 2 years.

With the relationship being long distance we stay connected via the phone and Facetime, talking every morning on her way to work, every evening on her way home and Facetiming every night when we are not together. Outside of one instance before we hit our first year mark, she has never given me a reason to question anything. In this one instance, she had started calling me later in the morning and later in the evening and one night she called after she had finished bowling and said she was going out with the girls from her team for a bite to eat. This was the first time she had spring something like this on the spur of the moment. Combined with the change in the talking schedule, this event gave me reason to pause and wonder. We talked about it and she assured me that nothing was going on, she loved me, only wanted me and never wanted to lose me. I truly felt that she was sincere and that the conversation was genuine, so I chose to put it behind me and things have been great for the last year plus.

This brings us to the current issue. She is friends with a lot of guys. I think this may be partly due to the fact that she had more brothers than sisters and grew up around boys. I do believe that the majority of these friends are just that, friends. I do know that she still communicates occasionally with men she has been intimately involved with. In talking to her about the current issue, I let her know that while I am not necessarily worried about this, it does bother me. It bothers me because I feel like when she does communicate with them, she then thinks about them and what they had/did and I do not feel that is fair to me. I also realize there is really nothing I can do about this. We all have instances where something reminds us of our past and we think about it, that’s just life.

The issue in question is that she received a text message on a Thursday night when we were at my daughters house. Her phone was in the kitchen where I was and I told her she got a text. She asked if it was from one of the kids and I told her no. I gave her the name of the contact as I was bringing the phone to her. She immediately acted funny and couldn’t wait to get the phone out of my hand. I sat down next to her and she was reluctant to open the message and read it. When she did open it and read it, she did it very quickly and acted like she didn’t want me to see anything. I asked who the person was and she said it was a girl from work and then as if in a new sentence she said old work. I asked what she said and she said that she just said hello. Then she got another text from the same person. Again, reluctant to open it. When she did the second message said something about taking her mother somewhere. She said that the person must have sent the text to the wrong person. I asked if she was going to text her back and she said that she was just going to tell her that she sent the message to the wrong person. I am not sure if she actually sent that message though. I did notice though that there were other messages with this person, but I was not close enough to see them. She then got very talkative with all of us as if to divert my attention. I thought the whole thing was very strange and immediately got a very bad feeling in the pit of my stomach. I did not question her on it the rest of the night, but the bad feeling did not go away. On Friday when she went upstairs, I looked at her phone. What I found was that she deleted the entire message conversation. I thought it was strange that knowing she does not delete messages and if it was a girl she used to work with, why would she delete this conversation. So I decided to look for the contact in her contact list. She actually deleted the contact as well. On Saturday I talked to her about it, but I did not tell her that I looked at her phone. I asked her if I had anything to worry about and she said no, absolutely not. I didn’t push it, but I didn’t feel any better either.

Two weeks later I was with her at her house. I had the opportunity to look at her phone again and there were no messages from this person and again, the contact was not there. Then I noticed she had her old phone plugged into the radio. I know I should not have looked, but I could not shake the feeling that something was not right, so I did. There were old messages from this person in the phone. What I found out shocked me. This person is in fact a man. A man that she was involved with prior to me. I have actually been introduced to this person – he bowls in the same league she is in. The messages clearly indicated that they exchanged inappropriate photos and clearly laid out his intentions. While there was not any specific wording that came right out and said they slept together, there really isn’t any other conclusion that I, or really anyone else for that matter, could draw from the texts. The only thing that kept me from throwing up was that the messages were dated prior to her and I being together. My first thought was that it was in her past. I cannot judge her or question her about it, it has nothing to do with me. The next thing I did was type the telephone number into the contact list on her new phone. It turns out that she did not delete the contact from her new phone, she changed the name to a female name! There were no messages on her phone from this new contact. This was proof that she lied to me.

I decided that I needed to talk to her about it. I told her that I had looked at her phone – not the old one, just the new one. I told her that I found that she deleted the messages. She said that there was nothing there, they were not important and that she didn’t need them. I then told her that I searched for the contact and that it was not there and I could only assume that she either deleted it or changed the name. Again, she said that she doesn’t talk to the person and that she didn’t need it. I reiterated to her that I had a very bad feeling about it and that if we are going to move forward, we cannot have any secrets or keep anything from each other. I told her that I needed her to be completely honest with me and then I asked if the person that texted her that night was really a girl she used to work with. She looked me in the eyes and said yes, it was a girl she used to work with. Needless to say my heart sank to my feet. Our conversation continued and I asked her again. Again, she responded that the person was a girl. I asked her if she was mad that I looked at her phone and she said that she wasn’t. I was paralyzed and did not know what to do. I know that it is wrong to look through your significant others phone, but I did. I know that it implies that I do not trust her. The fact of the matter is that I did trust her, with my life even, until the night she got that text. I could not shake the feeling that something was wrong. I know that if someone is hiding or wants to hide something, they are not simply going to tell the truth during a conversation. We had this discussion the day I was flying home. Because I did not know what to do next, I just gradually let the conversation end. I did not tell her what I knew and how I found out.

Now I do not know what to do. I know that some people are going to say dump her and move on because she lied. Believe me, I get that and I have thought about it. I know that if I tell her how I found out, that will completely destroy any trust she has for me and leave her with the feeling that I do not trust her at all. At this point I am not sure if I do anyway. She has told me that she has not been with anyone else, hasn’t thought of nor does she think of anyone else, that she wants only me and wants me for the rest of her life. I do not think I doubt her feelings towards me. I really do get the feeling from her that she truly loves me. All of her actions up to this point and all of the things she has done for me and says she will do for me have done nothing to suggest otherwise. Since the old messages have been deleted from her knew phone and there are no messages from the new contact or she is deleting the as she reads them, there really is no way of proving that anything is going on. She has already lied to me about this person, so I do not think talking to her again about it is going to go anywhere unless I tell her that I looked at the old messages, I know who the person is and I know for a fact that she lied to me.

I have 2 real questions here. First, is there something going on, is she or has she been cheating? Second, if nothing is going on, if she isn’t cheated, does she simply not want me to know that she was involved with this person prior to me? The problem is that since she has already lied to me, if I confront her about it how do I know what she tells me is the truth? I asked her what her definition of cheating was and it does match mine for 2 people in a committed relationship. But how do I know she is not just simply telling me what she thinks I want to hear. I know some folks will say that 2 plus years is not a long time to be in a relationship, but I think it is different for people that are over 50, divorced and trying to find love again.
I am supposed to fly back to see her in less than 2 weeks. My gut tells me that I need to confront her again, but I don’t know if this is something to talk about over the phone of Facetime and not waste the time and money for a trip or if it should be done in person. If in person, should it be at the beginning of the long weekend or at the end? If I talk to her about it again, do I call her out on the lie? Do I tell her I know for a fact that she is lying and do I tell her how I know? I know that if the outcome is that she is or has been cheating, the relationship will be over, period, end of sentence. I also know that if I call her out on it and have to tell her how I know she is lying, the relationship could be over as well. Is this relationship just plain over or doomed? I am completely bummed, frustrated, hurt and confused. At this point in my life, being over 50, I am not sure I can go through the process of trying to find love again if this is over. But at the same time, I cannot be in a relationship with someone I cannot trust or is cheating on me. How do I find out why she lied, what she lied about and what she may or may not be hiding without risking losing a woman that I love and wrecking what I have thought all along was a great relationship? What if nothing is going on, she isn’t or has not cheated and just didn’t want me to know that she was involved with this person prior to me? I would greatly appreciate some honest and sincere advice.

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Victoria Gigante May 4, 2014 at 7:28 pm

Thank you for sharing your story. This seems a bit in depth for me to comment on in this forum. Perhaps some of the other readers will chime in. If you’d like to explore this together, I encourage you to reach out to me privately for personal coaching. I am more than happy to help you through this.

Sending Peace & Clarity,
Victoria

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Sue May 2, 2014 at 2:38 pm

Hi Victoria, Why should you always believe your gut instinct. For a while I thought something was not right. Its a long story but my boyfriend went to the states on business for ten days. When he was over there he did not really message me. While he was away I found an order form with things on the list such as condoms, massage oil and other things. This had been ordered a while ago. I had not seen any of this and we don’t use condoms. So I had a feeling something was not right. he bought new underwear before he went and aftershave. When he returned he was very odd with me. No hugs or kisses, he felt uncomfortable getting undressed and dressed infront of me and I have seen it all before. he did not appear to be interested in me. I don’t live with my boyfriend. So I distanced myself but we chatted and he said he just wanted to be friends and no sex anymore. Anyway last night he came clean and said while he was away he met a lady in a coffee shop and they got chatting and they clicked and they spent the rest of the weekend together in New York. he had to go to Pittsburgh with his work and he said she flew out to meet him and stay in a hotel they chatted no sex apparently. he says she is his soul mate. I think he has met her before this ..would a lady who just met someone fly over to Pittsburgh take time off work and spend a few days with him when they just met??or is that me. The lady in question is british but works in the US and is apparently coming back to the UK. Now a couple of months ago I noticed him text a lady with the same name as the lady he met in the States. I am wondering if its the same one and this would then fit into place with te new underwear etc as it would have been planned.
I am no longer speaking to him anymore. But how can let go. I am wondering what has she got that I did not and the fact he lied to me instead of being honest.
I would appreciate some advice thank you
Sue

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Victoria Gigante May 4, 2014 at 7:39 pm

Sue,

You ask me why you should always trust your gut instinct – yet, YOU trusted your gut – and it was RIGHT. Something was amiss. So – you answered your own question.

I’m sorry to hear about this situation. The part of your comment that concerns me is this:
“I am wondering what has she got that I did not.”

This indicates a self-worth issue. You are blaming yourself. This indicates that you are somehow BAD, DEFECTIVE or did something WRONG to cause this situation – when that simply is NOT the case. This has nothing to do with you. This man is not being honest – with himself, with his decisions, with his life, and with YOU.

So the real question is: What are you going to do about it?

Sending Peace & Courage,
Victoria

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Amy May 8, 2014 at 6:59 pm

Hello,

I am married for 15 years and have two kids. My husband suddenly got very close to a female colleague who is also married and has kids. They started texting each other excessively and talking to each other often for hours which made me suscipicious. They started going out to dinner often and would stay out late. And when I confronted my husband he intially said he has a crush on her and is in a very weird place. I asked him to stop going out with her competely. I am still fighting my feeling and trying hard to forget everything and move forward. Now my husband says he treats her as a friend and is asking me to allow him to go out to dinner with her. I am scared if i say yes it will become a regular thing and he will never get out of the phase. What do I do? Since they work together they still meet each other everyday, catch up often and text each other and there is no way he is going to stop all that. He says he has special feelings for her and likes to hang out with her and he wont do anything to jeopordize our family. I am not comfortable saying yes to him taking her out for dinner and he is getting very upset and frustrated.

please help.

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Victoria Gigante May 12, 2014 at 6:44 pm

Amy,

Thank you for sharing your story. This sounds like a very complex situation, and I can understand how difficult this must be for you. To properly help you through this, I’d need a lot more information and recommend one on one coaching. But here are a few things to think about and remember:

1. You cannot change him. You cannot control him.
2. You CAN express your wants. You CAN feel unhappy about this situation.
3. You CAN decide what action you want to take for YOU.

Check out this article: http://www.victoriagigante.com/how-do-i-overcome-insecurity-in-my-relationship/

Sending Peace + Clarity + Courage,
Victoria

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Nick May 13, 2014 at 1:23 am

My girlfriend of two years told me a couple days ago she wanted to go on a break. Obviously this was troubling to me for a multitude of reasons. But among the most pressing is that she’s leaving in two weeks for Europe for the summer. I don’t want to look through her phone and I won’t, but I cant make sense of any of it. I thought we were seriously committed and in a good place. I feel like she’s throwing away our relationship just for the trip, but she says that isn’t the reason. She says she just wants space. I want to make things right but I don’t want to push her away. Especially with her leaving so soon. I’m really at a loss here

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Victoria Gigante May 16, 2014 at 9:00 am

Nick,

Checking her phone won’t prove anything in this situation. This is about communication: You want a more detailed explanation about why she wants space. Violating trust and checking her phone won’t prove anything.

Speak to her. Tell her how you feel. Ask her directly for what you want. She is under no obligation to give you an explanation – at least give her the opportunity to though.

Speak from your heart, and listen to what she has to say without getting defensive. You may not agree with her reasoning (OR, if she chooses not to give you a reason, you may be let wondering what went wrong). TRUST that things will work out. If she doesn’t want to be with you, then in the end, it’s for the best.

Sending Peace + Calm,
Victoria

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Jim May 13, 2014 at 5:36 pm

My wife was a bit of a tom-boy growing up, so having plenty of guy-friends just seemed normal for her. I have always regarded her as the faithful type, and I knew that having a lot of guy friends, combined with her very loving and affectionate nature, meant that there would be some occasional “hangers-ons” whose had less than honorable intentions. She had a FaceBook friend that was going through bad marriage issues, and she would share some of his challenges with me. One time, she posted something very sweet directed at me. This “friend” of hers then commented, “ouch, that hurts” – as though her attentions should (and probably had been) directed towards him. I let it slide, at the time. She once asked my opinion on his troubles, and I expressed my concern then. I said I assumed he was somebody in pain and that I would give the benefit of the doubt. She assured me that he was just some guy that went to college with her brother and she didn’t know him very well. Still, the incident “stuck” with me. Every time I looked at my Facebook page I could see my wife’s nice comment followed by “the other man” show….even my mother in law thinks this guy is the bees knees (I just don’t get it). A few months later, the trust issues took over, and I found myself reviewing some private messages between the two. I felt like I was having a panic attack. (I feel that way right now, as I write this). I was so conflicted, because I knew that reading her messages like that was a breach of trust, but I was so hurt by what I saw. He initiated the conversation by writing “so, apparently I’m the man”. This, of course, would peak anyone’s curiosity. When she took the bait he went on to brag about the number of times he and his very new partner had had sex. She made a couple statements like “hopefully many more to Cum”, and “ooh-la-la”. I just felt so betrayed. I immediately confessed to what I had done and what I had found. She was upset, of course, but we spoke about it that evening and didn’t go to bed angry. She said she thought I should send him a friend request and that I would see he was harmless. A couple of weeks go by and my wife announces to facebook that we are expecting. This guy then begins posting about how he thinks she will be naming our baby after him! At the very least, this was at the edge of very poor taste. I felt like saying “hey…the real Father exists! I am right here!”. I sent him a friend request which was ignored, initially, for a few weeks. Of course, after I casually mentioned to her that he did not respond to my request, poof, the next day, he and I are facebook friends. He greeted me with “welcome to the good times – ps the good times are killing me”. My facebook impression of this guy is that he is a bit narcissistic. I understand that from her perspective this may all seem harmless, and not even flirtatious (I disagree). Her standpoint is that she did nothing wrong, yet I still have minor panic attacks when I think about it. I’m worried this will eat me alive, yet I know it will leave me looking insecure and petty if I try to talk to her about it any more.

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Victoria Gigante May 17, 2014 at 9:29 am

Jim,

Thank you for sharing your story. Your anxiety is telling you something, and it’s important to acknowledge it – which it sounds like you have. I encourage you to read this article I wrote: http://www.victoriagigante.com/how-do-i-overcome-insecurity-in-my-relationship/

The bottom line is that open communication must occur. If your wife chooses to ignore how you feel in this situation, then it is up to you how you want to proceed. Regardless of what’s going on, you are in a relationship – and that takes TWO people – which means that you are in this together. So work together to find a solution. If she isn’t willing to budge, then you have a choice: continue forward and accept the uncomfortableness of the situation, or move on.

Sending you peace & calm,
Victoria

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Dave May 22, 2014 at 8:11 pm

Hi,
I got into a relationship with this wonderful girl about a year ago. She divorced 4 yrs ago with 2 kids. I am also divorced. Prior to meeting her I had a traumatic relationship with a girl who kept in touch with ex boyfriends sometimes. This led to our breakup.
This new girl had an affair of sorts with an attached man who she fell for. It lasted about 3 years on and off. I met her and initially everything was great. She got a bit weird and distant a couple of times so after a few months I saw an opportunity and went through her phone.
I found a text to her friend saying how this guy calls her and she misses and lusts after him but wants it all to go away.
Since then I know he has been calling her and she is hiding it.
I went through her phone again recently and saw that she has text her friend saying how he has called again, she text her how she still “wants him” but doesn’t care anyway.
She always protects his identity when I have asked and she lies while looking at me straight in the eye. I’m the type that if I know and she is honest I will not feel the need to snoop. So I have confronted her but she denies!
What do I do??

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Victoria Gigante May 25, 2014 at 2:13 pm

Dave,

You have all the information to make an informed decision. This is all about you and your comfort level. You know she is lying to your face, you know there is another man in the picture. So the real question is: What are you comfortable with? and, how do you want this situation to change?

You can’t change or control your partner. You can only change and control what YOU do from this point forward. It’s your move.

Sending Courage & Clarity,
Victoria

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William May 29, 2014 at 6:40 pm

Victoria,

When a person gets that gut feeling he/she will be inclined to confirm it. The reason is not necessarily insecurity and if it is insecurity it is likely insecurity of the gut being correct or not. True that the root cause of the feeling must be found and extinguished but trying to see if there is solid evidence will possibly arm the person with something concrete to be used when confronting their partner.
When a person gets angry or defensive or stops talking they are very often hiding something.

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Victoria Gigante June 2, 2014 at 12:12 am

William,

Thank you for sharing your thoughts. THIS:
“…trying to see if there is solid evidence will possibly arm the person with something concrete to be used when confronting their partner. When a person gets angry or defensive or stops talking they are very often hiding something.”

Yes.

Sending Peace & Calm,
Victoria

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Fin June 3, 2014 at 9:10 pm

Basiclly I have some trust issues, I’ve no idea why but I find myself constantly thinking the worst when I have no reason to maybe I’m being paranoid but I don’t know how to stop it. I’m so crazy about this girl but I don’t know how to stop overthinking.

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Victoria Gigante June 3, 2014 at 11:28 pm

Fin,

Have you considered coaching to dive into some of this more deeply?

There’s nothing wrong with you.

Sending peace & clarity,
Victoria

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jeff June 7, 2014 at 8:20 pm

Bottomline if you cheat you should have enough heart to stop and change your habits or move onto another relationship or none. I was just cheated on by my girl; this really sucks now.
I deal with it everyday and I ask myself, Are we not ready to be in a serious relationship? Does she really love me and respect me? Did I push her away with my jealousy? Do I always choose the wrong women to date? It’s hard now but I know it would be harder without her. Alcohol and drugs were involved so is that why she did it? I’ve been intoxicated before and I never cheated on someone. I used to be a manwhore and I made a point to never hook up with girls who were married or had boyfriends (or so i thought) Look I can bang all day and not be phased but I feel like girls always have this innate radar for strange and exciting places to hook up with guys, which is why I don’t trust them. I know because I was a slut and witnessed girls behaving like porn stars at the most inappropriate times and situations. Makes me feel very uneasy as a 30 year old dating a 23 year old girl/woman? who “wants” to finish her last 1.5 years of college, be dedicated to our relationship and not present herself as a single girl when I’m not with her when she is out with her friends. I really feel like due to media now girls have become so lazy, and they all will deny this but they look up to women like Beyonce with quotes like “I woke up like this” or they obsess over online shopping sites with unnecessary crap that won’t make you a better person. You are not Beyonce or any of those pre-programmed vampires in LA. Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, creating FOMO and a generation of Zombified people who don’t even know how to communicate effectively without some social media holding their life in like a binding on a book.

AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I just want to go surfing peace out losers!!

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Victoria Gigante June 10, 2014 at 9:42 am

Hi Jeff,

Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I will point out that you sound a bit angry. I highly support your desire to go surfing. Surrender.

Sending Peace & Calm,
Victoria

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Christine Macdonald June 17, 2014 at 7:21 pm

So glad I found this post and comment thread.

I’m on day 2 of detox from Toxic Man – or I should say, “Toxic Relationship”.

After a lovely dinner and sleep over, my gut told me to go through his phone – because you’re right – I already knew the answer – what I would find. Maybe this is what I needed to leave him – the proof. This is the SECOND time I’ve done this. We’ve broken up – then started up again. Which just shows how much I am willing to allow myself to be treated with such lack of respect.

It’s as much my fault as it is his.

Bottom line is we are BOTH in need to serious therapy – intimacy issues, addictions, etc.

But I’m sitting here feeling SO GUILTY for going through his phone – but that’s not the worst part – the horrific thing I did was TEXT AS HIM to the other woman. I told her about ME and how he loved ME. Insane.

I don’t even know who that person was (me) – the horrible woman I became in that moment. I was hurt and angry and wanted to take everyone down with me.

I want to send him an apology note (along with his very expensive belongings he left at my place), but my therapist suggests against it.

I just have to learn from this and move on. I hope the shame and guilt of this mess is gone soon.

It’s funny – I write all about self-esteem (I’m an ex-stripper from the 90s), but all I’m really doing is working through things I need to learn MYSELF.

Thanks again for listening and this post.

I’m a new fan-follower.

Christine
@thatgalkiki

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Victoria Gigante June 18, 2014 at 11:02 am

Christine,

Thank you for sharing your story.

I LOVE that you own your story. This is the first step towards healing. YES, move forward. This is all a process – LIFE, that is. Guilt and shame, as you know, get us know where. Live, learn, breathe, relax, feel, watch, allow.

Keep the detox going! You’ve got this! I totally support your movement forward. 🙂

Peace + Love,
Victoria

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chris June 20, 2014 at 4:58 pm

I checked my girlfriend s phone and she is trying to buy heroin. This isn’t the first time and she will be so mad if I tell her I looked. What do I do

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Victoria Gigante June 24, 2014 at 7:33 pm

Chris,

Thank you for sharing. What do you WANT to do? This is clearly a big concern. I’m curious what clued you in to check her phone in the first place?

Sending Peace & Calm,
Victoria

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a June 20, 2014 at 8:37 pm

We’re a group of volunteers and starting a new scheme in our community.

Your site provided us with valuable info to work on. You have done an impressive job and our entire community will be thankful to you.

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Victoria Gigante June 24, 2014 at 7:34 pm

Thank you. 🙂

Victoria

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henry June 26, 2014 at 1:42 pm

Im in my 50s and I was together with a woman my age for 10 yrs the last yr she had asked me to move out which I did. I went to rn school and have 6 months left….I have been an lpn for the better part of the 10yrs we have been together. Our relationship has had a roller coaster ride for sure…when we met my 2 kids were 9 and 10 and I spend a great deal of time being the best father possible. She was good to ky kuds and help me raised them. My problem started about 3 yrs ago when thru fb she met a bf when she was 15 without leting me know she befriended this person to the point that she calls him her best friend..she started taking trips to nj 5 or 6 trips in the last yrs. Emotionally she started bonding with this man, where her behavior started to change….this past holiday she went to spend time with her family in puerto rico where this man met up with her, and although we were separated she and I still new we were in a relationship. But she came back and told me she was moving to nj from fl. And when I question her she said she needed a fresh start when I told her that I was still in love with her she said that I had never shown love toward her which and that she had been miserable for 10 yrs and that there was someone in nj who was going to give her all the things she wanted in a relationship. I had a hard time accepting it and for the next three months I tried to get her to change her mind. I took off a month from school and we were inseparable. I would kiss her and we would sleep in the same bed I stayed over in her apartment for 2 months to the point that she was still talking to this person in NJ for 2 hrs at a time when I was not around and when I was around it was 20 minutes a day. She started to tell me that she was not going to mive to nj but instead she was going to move to mco to be closer to her mom she also said she was going to go to nj to break things off with man. When her leased expire her furniture was back and send to mco she said. When I drove her to the airport to go to mco I asked her one last time if she was going to nj and she said no. It turns out that when I tried to reach her at night she wu not pifk up phone, so I gps her phone location and she was in nj. I was devasted her furniture was dlvd to this guy address and she had moved in to see if she could have a relationship with this man that would make her happy. She saidshe was going to give it 6 months to see how she feels. She says she loves this man bcz he is a good person and they get along great over the phone she says she is not in love with him but she wants to see if she could fall in love with him, if not that she would pack and leave for mco. I told her if she was mot sure about staying to stay with the phone I gave her ten yrs ago and she has she said will know by oct nov. I love her even after all of this and I would still like to see if we could be happy together if things dont workout in nj for her. Please advds me and tell me that I m crazy…for wanting her back because in my heart I still think she loves me. Should I stay away from her not contacting her until 3 or 4 month’s down the line. What do you think will happen.

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Victoria Gigante July 2, 2014 at 12:35 pm

Henry,

Thank you for sharing your story. It sounds like you’re clinging to this person. My question is WHY? What void is the drama of this situation filling for you?

Look inward, not outward. Her actions show that you are an OPTION for her – not her first priority.

WHY is that good enough for you?

I encourage you to explore these questions, rather than worrying about the “what if’s” around what might happen.

Make sense?

Sending Peace and Clarity,

Victoria

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Desiree June 30, 2014 at 12:17 pm

My question is, how do you have that person focus on their problem of looking or the trust, sel-worthiness, et etc? You see all these articles saying “just gave it head on” or “figure out why you feel that way” but no help as to how. Most people are trying to figure it out in their own and it is draining and most partners will not understand because they’re focused on the point of the other looking in their phone. So any good in depth advice on how to deal with it? Thanks.

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Victoria Gigante July 2, 2014 at 12:52 pm

Desiree,

Check out this follow-up article I wrote: http://www.victoriagigante.com/how-do-i-overcome-insecurity-in-my-relationship/

This provides actual steps to take to address the issues surrounding insecurity.

Sending Peace & Calm,
Victoria

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Paul July 9, 2014 at 12:59 am

I checked my girls phone. My girlfriend that i live with has intimate conversations with her exs X2 , just about everyday.Do i just breakup without telling why? Tell her that ive seen the texts to her exs? Am I a bad person for snooping? Ive asked her in the past to stop talking with her exs about our personal life and to not look for them for advice regarding personal shit. Instead talk to me. She said she would stop. … She hasnt:/
Am i being to jealous? She may not be having sex but to speak to an ex saying “i miss you”,”here is a picture of the sunset”. Thats wrong in my book.
I guess my question is. How should i deal with this? I love her but i dont feel she respects me. I am also losing trust…fast. Actualy, i guess i have. Can i gain it again with her? Or am i a fool for trying, maybe once more?

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Victoria Gigante July 23, 2014 at 3:16 pm

Hi Paul,

Thank you for sharing. Have things evolved much since you posted this? Where do you stand now? Any clarity?

Sending Peace & Calm,
Victoria

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Collins July 22, 2014 at 4:57 pm

My current boyfriend and I have a long past. When I am with him I am happy, content, and he does treat me very well. Though things seem to pop up ever 5 months or so that test my trust towards him and leaves me feeling very torn inside. Our relationship began in 2011 and we were continuing to see other people, I was not ready for a relationship at that time. We then lived together for 6 months and I got to see how many girls he went through, while still sleeping with him occasionally. I still was not over a past relationship and knew he was to dangerous. During this time he also cheated on a girlfriend with me, I didn’t know they were dating, he broke up with her a day or two after. I move out and we see each other every now and then, I tell him I can’t just continue sleeping with him and the dating begins.

This round only lasts about 3 or 4 months, he breaks up with me b/c he wants to keep seeing other girls. We don’t talk for awhile, then of course start seeing each other again. One night I’m over at his house and another girl sleeps in his bed (her ride never came is what he said) and I have to sleep on the couch. I completely cut ties with him for two or three months till he comes back to me saying none of the other girls are worth it and our friendship means more to him- wants another chance. I’m not really sure why I said yes, I guess I had just wanted him to commit for so long.

That year of dating was very hard for me, I would be kept up at night by my thoughts of not knowing what he was doing just because he wasn’t next to me. Also was and still am hard on myself because of dating someone that I can easily convince myself may not deserve me. But yet, cannot seem to let go. That year he gives me eyeliner that he found in his car b/c he though it was mine, it wasn’t. May of been these two other chicks that I know and trust, but still how do I know that. A chick posts on his facebook that she loves waking up to him like 10 of her pics, which these pics are provocative selfies, not her with a cute animal or something. So that year I am always on edge but never went through his phone, but did bring up who are you talking to, what kind of boundaries do we need to set up for me to be comfortable.

This round ends with me just tired of feeling so stressed and I end it with him and say I still feel your doing something one way or another with other girls. We are broken up for a month and a half and start talking again. I am seeing another guy and he sees on my phone I have a voicemail from him and gets upset. I’m sure he saw many chicks during the summer. We agree to date again and he is fully aware of how I feel, why I feel that way, and what he needs to do so I can move forward with building trust with him. We have so much fun together and really do make each other happy, life just seems to be easier when we are together.

The first 5 months is amazing, nothing at all comes up and I feel everything is perfect. Then a friend tells me that my boyfriend said he misses playing the field when they were downtown one night. I feel betrayed and foolish b/c I think everything is going so well. We had panned a trip to Colorado and already had tickets so I made myself stick it out. Life and the relationship becomes good again. Then I see texts from a girl that I know he slept with over the summer b/c I went to his house to pick up something and see was there for the weekend. I’m cool about it, but then a few days later I see a few phone calls and just get super pissed. He says she just came to see him at work b/c she is moving away. I say if you would just tell me instead of me just seeing it randomly this could be avoided. He digs himself in a hole as well by saying they hadn’t slept together over the summer, guess he had forgotten I saw her at his house/had locked his keys in his car and was stressing out so just shot out an answer- Im not sure. He admits he lied the next day and I just tell him if you want this to work you have to tell me things so if I see them by chance I don’t get that feeling of betrayal and put my guard up for the next two months. Also during this time I do go through an old phone he had left at my house and see he went and hung out with the chick who’s pictures he liked on fb without telling me. From the messages it seemed she had a boyfriend, but im not sure he knew that b4 going to her house. Can’t really bring up I did that so I stuff it away.

Five or six more months go by and we are doing great until last night which is why I am even on this blog. On the way home from floating the river I see a message from the girl he saw over the summer pop up, which Its a dark car and his screen is massive- I was not looking for it what so ever. Again I immediately start to feel shitty. He says she wants to come and see him before she moves to Cali, which was the same story of last time. I have met this chick and really don’t feel threatened by her I am just pissed because if he had just told me this situation could of been avoided entirely. He compares her to a guy friend, thats all she means to him, just some one he talks to ever 6 months or so. So in my emotional state after arguing back and forth for a few hours I go through his phone while he is in the shower, I just want to see the messages so I know what exactly is said. She asks if she could come stay at his house on the 4th and 5th, he says I want you to but Meghan (me) wouldn’t like that. Then says its f******* stupid. I also see texts from another chick on there, some one from his home town. This morning he tells me he promises not to hide anything from me that he thinks is going to bother me. Which is why he never told me about her texting him. I say my reaction is guaranteed to not be that intense if he tells me about it rather than the feeling of him breaking my trust once more.

Also on my birthday my first love who lives far away wrote me after two years, one message to say happy birthday, and one very long message to let me know how he still cherishes the time we spent together, blah blah. I tell my bf about both of these messages and don’t write back to the second long one b/c I feel what I would say could be viewed as inapp. But judging by the way my bf is I should of written the ex back, said what I wanted to say, and never told him about it? My bf is a pretty guy for sure and I realize he will have girls hitting him up. I just don’t want to be the gf that is controlling because I do not trust him. I want him to be able to go somewhere, and I know hes around chicks but not feel he may be hitting on them. I want this summer chick to be able to meet me and all of us just be cool instead of having a twisted stomach feeling when I even think about her. Besides all of the bulls, my bf I feel is great compared to alot of guys, and how he shows he cares through doing alot of big and little things for me on the reg. He also talks about years from now and any time I talk about breaking up he doesn’t want to, and gets very upset. He feels he has done great this past year and thinks that I am just ready for something with another chick to occur and it makes him not want to tell me b/c he knows hes not doing anything wrong in regards to cheating- any way shape or form. He knows how he feels about this chick and I have nothing to worry about, he says I just make it perverted in my mind. Chicks that he feel are a true threat he has cut out completely. Its just so ridiculous and I’m tired of thinking about it! & he is tired of me making him feel like a liar or a cheater…. idk.

Sorry this is so long, just really thinking about seeing a therapist but thought I may be able to get some good feedback off here from what I have read. I want to trust him but I don’t know how after seeing all the girls he has been with, and how many times he has heart me heart.

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Victoria Gigante July 23, 2014 at 3:21 pm

Thank you for sharing a bit about your story. The question I have for you is pretty straight forward: Why is this type of arrangement good enough for you? All of these trust issues, the back and forth, the cheating – relationships that start in turmoil usually end in turmoil. It sounds like (at the very least), you’d benefit from some space from this situation. From there, seeing a coach and/or therapist to help you work through some of your own fears, insecurities and self-worth issues would be extremely helpful. You’ll gain new insight and be better able to assess how you really feel about the situations.

Sending Peace & Clarity,
Victoria

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Mel July 23, 2014 at 1:57 am

Hi Victoria,

My girlfriend is friends with her ex and also some of her flings. I trust her completely but it does make me feel a little uncomfortable sometimes, particularly with one of her flings. The last time they met up for dinner, it ended with her fling commenting on how great the sex between them was. Which I think is totally inappropriate! My girlfriend tells me that it means nothing and that both of them are capable of having a mature conversation about things that have happened in the past, but mean nothing now. I don’t know if it’s just my own insecurities, but when I brought it up, we had a little argument over it. I do trust her. And she is very open and honest with everything. She tells me everything.
And with this fling, it’s not my girlfriend I don’t trust, it’s her fling. She tells me that her fling is completely in love with her current partner, but if that’s the case, why does ‘sex’ even come up as a topic? Am I just being too weird? I just feel like if I was talking to my ex, and she brought up our sex life, I would shut the conversation down straight away, out of respect for my girlfriend.
I expressed that I was uncomfortable with her seeing her again, and she said that her fling is a good friend and that i can’t tell her who she can and can’t see. I’m not sure if I’m just being too insecure, or if I am making a valid point?

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Victoria Gigante July 23, 2014 at 3:24 pm

Mel,

Thank you for sharing.

Really this situation is about RESPECT. If you’ve clearly communicated how you feel to your girlfriend, and she still chooses to behave in a way that leaves you feeling uncomfortable – then YOU have a choice to make.

Read this article: http://www.victoriagigante.com/how-do-i-overcome-insecurity-in-my-relationship/

This will help you process through some of the thoughts you’re having right now.

Sending Peace & Clarity,
Victoria

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Mel September 21, 2014 at 1:44 pm

Hi Victoria,

Well when I aksed her, how coffee with her fling went, she told me that she didn’t end up going. And when I asked why, she said that because I wasn’t comfortable with it she didn’t go. So I did feel much better.
We are in a long-distant relationship and communication is so vital in these kinds of relationships. Anyway, just wanted to say thanks for the reply 🙂

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ryan July 27, 2014 at 3:12 pm

Victoria.

well unfortunately i fell victim to this as well. my wife and I are so strong in our relationship i couldn’t ask for more in life. However, for some unknown i became curious one night. Her phone was just laying there and did what i wish i hadnt done. I snooped in her phone and I wasnt surprised at all. I didnt find a single thing that would make me believe she was up to something. The guilt had bothered me for a few days before I actually fessed up and told her. she was actually very open to it and said I have nothing to hide from you. Said I can read, use, look at all her posts she doesnt care.
My issue is that I feel like i violated her personal life and im worried that this may come back to haunt me. Maybe i did it out of fear of loosing everything I got? Loosing my family? I dont really know for sure. But Im really overanalyzing it now because I dont want her to think I dont trust her now due to my actions. So basically I ended causing more anxiety for myself.
I guess what im saying is unless you absolutely know for sure that there are issues in your relationship make sure before you do something you regret, like going through a phone. Its really not worth generating self guilt or possible problems in a great relationship.

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Victoria Gigante July 30, 2014 at 7:52 am

Ryan,

Thank you for sharing your story. YES – you are pointing to the EXACT reason I wrote this article. Before violating someone’s trust by checking their phone, a conversation needs to be had about WHY you feel compelled to do so.

But that’s neither here nor there in your situation, since you’ve already checked your wife’s phone and discussed the issue.

My suggestion is this: TALK TO YOUR WIFE. Tell her what you’ve written here. Communicate with her. But also KNOW that you aren’t the type of person that will violate her trust – so don’t energize that fear by focusing on it. Instead, focus on what you DO what – OPEN, honest, clear communication with your amazing wife.

Talk to her about how you feel!

Sending peace and calm,
Victoria

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Deedee July 30, 2014 at 12:18 pm

Thanks for your great post. Although it all seems clear cut, not all situations are that easy. My current husband (number two) and I have been married for nearly 6 years. When I met him, he had deceived me re: the level of enmeshment with his ex (who had cheated on him- his first was a 22 year old marriage). During the “courtship,” I was marginalized, objectified, but loved him enough to see him through his emotional divorce, even as the trust was eroded (via a series of his enabling of several untruths, objectifying with the community, marginalization, not standing up for me with the gossip and lies perpetuated in his church etc.). Gradually, he came around (4 years). In the meantime, I got very sick, with a chronic, down spiraling disease. I stupidly let myself be vulnerable, when I should have considered leaving (long story involving my daughter). It wasn’t until a month ago when he started going to therapy that I noticed him hiding things- I found a letter he’d written to a family member, out-gassing his bitterness and resentment toward me. He never shared this, or any other emotional things, with me. That’s when I began to look for inconsistencies, not because I cared about his privacy, but because I felt extremely vulnerable, and did not know where I stood with him, EVER. In one sense, he is very caring and devoted acting, but the things I found cite the opposite. He FREAKED out when he discovered I’d found notes. In the past, he used to share all his letters from his ex with me, because he didn’t know how to deal with her emotionally. It was difficult, because she used me to revise history, and make me the “bad guy” every opportunity she had. He insisted that I invest in happy familyhood with her, (he was severely abused as a child but doesn’t connect that with any of his behavior in real life). In spite of many nice overtures to her and my stepkids, she outright rejected me, and then she convinced her family to dump him (because she refused to take me on with her boyfriend, the same guy she’d cheated on my husband with, two and a half years before I’d come into his life- she wanted a boyfriend, a father, a best friend, and two men doting over her 24-7). What a nightmare. Now I’m bedridden, have no viable options save homelessness, but can’t stay like this. He’s enraged at me for “looking” once or twice, after seeing those ugly letters by accident, and I’m enraged at him for violating my trust and lying to me for years. Ugh. Being vulnerable, in this case, only makes things worse. He even wrote down a question to himself: “Did he want me to die?” Hard. I’d be homeless if I left, and my family is gone and/or dead. In a perfect world….

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Victoria Gigante August 4, 2014 at 3:17 pm

Deedee,

Thank you for sharing your story. This sounds like a very complicated and tough situation. I hope you are seeking outside help to resolve some of these issues, and that you are taking steps to ensure your safety – both physically and emotionally.

Sending You Peace, Calm & Courage,
Victoria

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Ralph August 4, 2014 at 6:47 pm

I NEED HELP!!

Ok, so my relationship of 9 1/2 years recently ended. We had “the night” after the fact which stirred up a lot of emotions and feelings. We talked of possibly giving it another shot. The problem is that they wanted to go from nothing to living together as this was in the planning stages prior to the breakup. When we broke up it was made clear that not only did they not want to be with me, but they thought living together was horrible because our relationship was already in a horrible state and would only make things worse. Luckily there are no kids involved, which some may think makes it easier but it doesn’t. When I mentioned living separate and working on things, that was NOT an option. It was move in or nothing. We’d never lived together the entire time we were together for various reasons, and I’m feeling forced to jump back into a toxic situation which I don’t feel has truly changed, or lose her forever. I’m being told things would be different and professional help was suggested…however, I think that living together right away, despite the time we were together, would only result in more heartache and eventually splitting up. However, I can’t find the words to say yes or no to this (yes I know how it sounds but when you’re in it, it’s hard to see). My head is saying one thing and my heart another and quite frankly I don’t know what to do….HELP!

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Yvette August 29, 2014 at 3:46 pm

Hello Victoria,

My husband and I are in crisis mode at the moment. I recently had a baby three months ago. During my six month of pregnancy, I noticed an uptick in communication between my husband and his ex girlfriend. At first I did not question him about it as I wanted to be the good trusting wife. On his birthday, I noticed this ex called him throughout the day(3 times). It made me very uncomfortable as I thought one call would suffice. Needless to say, I was a little disturbed. I questioned him two days later as I did not want a huge discussion on his birthday. He told me that she was having a hard time with his job and he was helping her to resolve the issue. The calls/text stopped for awhile. After our daughter was born I started to notice an uptick in communication again. When I questioned him again, he advised that she was still having issues and he wanted to help her. Per my husband, she has a boyfriend/fiancee. The calls continued. One afternoon, I was at the doctor’s office with my daughter and husband. As my husband was placing my daughter in her carseat, the phone rings and its her. I didnt say anything but I was kind of upset and my husband knew but I kept quiet. Again, want to be the dutiful wife. My husband has bluetooth phone. One day while going to the store with my husband and daugher, the phone rings and her name appears on his LED screen…he picks up and begins to have a conversation. I’ve expressed to my husband that I feel uncomfortable and ask if I could meet this ex and he indicated that he does not feel comfortable introducing me to his ex…but Im expected not to feel uncomfortable when this women I dont know is constantly calling my husband. A couple of weeks later, we go to a dinner party at a friends house. As we were leaving, around 10pm, his phone rings and its his ex. He knew I saw it and was upset. I did not address it that night but waited until the next day so I could gather my thoughts. I explained that, I believe, boundaries should be set…or maybe he’s ok with no boundaries in the communication. He was very upset and we didnt really speak for two days. He later admitted, two days later in an angry tone, that I was trying to control his life/friends. As his wife, who has not met this woman and volunteered to meet her to keep the peace, my feelings were hurt as he doesnt understand. He explained that she may help a friend of his that was in need… I want to say “we” got past that but I never did as I begin to have nagging doubt. I decided I needed to go to counseling to address the issues…the counselor helped some but the calls and text continued. Against the advise of your colume, I went through his phone and saw that they call each other a couple of times a day and text. I saw a text that she sent stating that she things about him alot and asked if he felt the same…he said yes. My heart dropped. I decided to call her as I made a note of her phone number(not my proudest moment). I admit I am in a different place as I am now both a wife and mother…my priorities have change and I felt the need to fight for my family. She said that she and my husband are just friends and stated she has a boyfriend…but also admitted that she and my husband share alot. I decided to let my husband know I called before she called him. He was/is very upset with me. He said I disrespected him by going through his phone and I own it that I did go through his phone but felt I had to know what was going on. Needless to say, we are on very shaky ground. Our daughter is three months.

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Victoria Gigante September 13, 2014 at 10:01 am

Yvette,

I’m curious how this situation has evolved since you posted this? Are you continuing to go to counseling?

Clearly, there are feelings between your husband and your ex. Your intuition is right, and for either of them to deny that – well – it’s simply that: DENIAL.

Now, that being said – that doesn’t mean that this needs to be a deal breaker for your marriage. It does mean that you and your husband MUST have a conversation about this and set boundaries that work for both of you. Your husband is treading on dangerous ground. As humans, it’s natural for us to have residual feelings towards our ex’s (and towards others). My concern is that he isn’t addressing the void he obviously feels in his marriage. He’s filling the void with his ex. THAT’S not ok.

A conversation needs to be had with him. But before you have it, know what you want the outcome to be. Be VERY clear with what you’re willing to accept and what you aren’t willing to accept. Know where your responsibility ends and where it begins. You can’t change your husband. You can tell him how you feel, why you feel that way and what you’d like to see happen – but in the end, this is a MARRIAGE and takes TWO people. He has to show up and be willing to do the work.

And if he won’t – well, then you have a decision to make.

Sending You Peace, Clarity & Calm,
Victoria

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Arlette September 11, 2014 at 7:59 am

Appreciɑte this post. Will try it out.

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Victoria Gigante September 12, 2014 at 7:30 am

Awesome Arlette.

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Stu September 11, 2014 at 8:18 pm

JUST DO IT! I think trusting your gut and communicating openly with your partner are great answers 75% of the time. The problem is if your dealing with a cheater they will never admit it. They blow up, go on the defensive and blame you. Text book. So to confront a cheater that is a natural at lying and deception you need to have solid evidence. The only choice is to look at their phone that they guard and protect. I’m a trusting guy but my gut was telling me otherwise. However, I could never connect all the dots until I looked at my girlfriends phone. She had been cheating on me with multiple partners for a year and a half. So if your partner is not willing to hand over their phone and allow you to look through their photos, text messages, and call history and show you that they have nothing to hide and that there are no secrets. You can’t trust them. Trust your gut and break up or you JUST DO IT!

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Victoria Gigante September 13, 2014 at 10:05 am

Thank you for your thoughts, Stu. You make some excellent points. Remember that the major point is this: The minute you feel the pull to look through your partners phone – there are ALREADY TRUST ISSUES. That’s what needs to be addressed. Proof is nice, but where is this struggle with trust coming from? Why is the foundation already shaky? Proof is helpful – but isn’t necessary when you feel you can’t trust your partner. Make sense?

Thanks again for sharing!

Peace & Calm,
Victoria

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James September 13, 2014 at 9:58 am

Hi Victoria,

I really need some help with this.

I’ve been with my girlfriend for 18 months. We met on Facebook. At the time I was talking to a couple of other girls, but ended the conversations as soon as me and my girl had met up. There was one other girl I kept talking to, purely in a friendly way (I had asked her for some advice on dating, a bit strange to do with a stranger, but why not). I’d even told this girl I had met my girlfriend and I was really happy.We stopped talking about a month into my relationship.
Anyway, fast forward a few months and my girl says she’s always had suspicions about me, so I showed her the messages in my Facebook inbox. She freaked out and threatened to break up with me. She never believed there was nothing to it, and basically made my life very difficult for the last 8 months, pretty much saying I’d cheated on her.
We came very close to breaking up recently, and I told her all of this stuff didn’t matter – if she wanted to be with me, then she must treat me with love and respect, if she couldn’t manage that, then let’s walk away.
So, we fixed it, but here’s the thing: now we’re on an even keel, I’m not sure I can trust her 100%. I feel like she’s going to use this to justify any action should it happen. She’s recently been weird with her phone – always leaving it upside down, moving it across the room when she leaves the room. I am desperate to look at it, but I know it’s the wrong thing to do, and I’m terrified I’ll see something I won’t like. I want to talk to her about it, but I always think I’ll be losing ‘man points’ by opening up and appearing weak in her eyes, and also I’ll be giving her a chance to bring up all the nonsense from before.

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Victoria Gigante September 14, 2014 at 5:19 am

James,

Thank you for sharing a bit about your story. The bottom line is that there is definitely a lack of trust between you and your girlfriend, which means there is a shaky foundation. If you have any intention of moving forward in a productive way, and growing this relationship, then these issues MUST be addressed NOW rather than later. Waiting will only make things more painful and dramatic. I am happy to hear you haven’t checked her phone. All you can do is take responsibility for YOUR actions and for how YOU feel. If you approach her with authenticity and honesty, you’ll learn a great deal about where you two stand by how she responds.

If she reacts out of defensiveness and doesn’t want to work on things together – then you know where you two stand and YOU have a decision to make about how you want to proceed.

If she is open to REBUILDING the foundation of your relationship (and the foundation of trust), then AWESOME.

Remember this: Trust has already been violated so it’s up to BOTH OF YOU to be transparent with each other as you move forward. Don’t compare yourself to other people’s relationships. This is between the two of you, and you both must come to some conclusions about how to proceed.

Sending Peace & Clarity,
Victoria

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James September 15, 2014 at 5:25 am

Thanks for your reply Victoria.

I think you’re right. Maybe I’ve never properly apologised. Despite me knowing there was no intent with talking to someone else, perhaps that doesn’t matter. I think I should apologise for breaking her trust in me, and show that I am willing to work on being more transparent in future. Similarly, I need to let her know that I have some trust issues with her. I have no real facts to back it up, but I definitely have a feeling. Expressing that in an honest way might help.
I really want to get back to a place of love and trust.

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Victoria Gigante September 16, 2014 at 7:40 am

James,

Yes. This would be a much more honest and straightforward approach. Also, check out this article that I wrote:
http://www.victoriagigante.com/how-do-i-overcome-insecurity-in-my-relationship/

That might help give you guidance on how to approach this difficult (but not “bad”) conversation.

Sending you Peace & Calm,
Victoria

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Jamison September 17, 2014 at 4:39 pm

Me and my girlfriend started dating back june and it was going good and from the beginning she told me she wasn’t the romantic type or the ooy-gooy person who is all lovey dovey. And I respect that…but then I noticed she was talking about her ex alot and stuff always complaining about him because they work together.well for some reason I got a gut feeling something wasn’t right I mean she was telling me she loved me and stuff still hangong with me and wanted to make planes to hang out and stuff…but one day I checked her phone and I saw she has been talking to er ex wvery noght and day basically and they were talk like they was still together and saying that they missed each other and stuff and I noticed while we would hang out shed be texting someone but would turn her phone away from me but never did that when she texted anyone else and I figured out it was him. Well I confronted her about it and she said shes mad at me for going through her phone but she said she doesn’t have a right to be because she was doing something bad and she admitted that she said its hard when you work with your most recent ex. But said that she wouldn’t talk to him no more and I felt ok and stuff and she told me from the beginning of I ever wanted to look at her phone all o had to do was ask…but now its been a month or so after that incident…and I was getting more gut feelings something was going on and again I was gonna ask to see her phone but then she went to the bathroom and she left her ohone and stuff amd I just did it I started looking well I found she was talking to this guy and she was saying things like I love you and stuff and thay she wanted to kiss him and all and they was talking about how she was talking to a guy at work about her breaking up with me but I confronted her about it not saying looked at her phone I just asked if there was someone else amd she was all hurt and angry saying no how could you think that because shes been sick and been realy depressed…well we stopped arguing and i walked in on her deleting the messages because during the argument I said I wanted proof she wasn’t cheating. So we settled down and after an hour or so we started talking and having fun and stuff and then she said she was horny so we had sex and it was amazing. And then the next day it was also nice and good we spent the day together watched movies went to lunch and stuff but then I told her I saw her delete the messages and she said yeah she did because she knew that I went through them and she said of course im gonna delete them when I told you if you wanted to see my phone all you had to do was ask..well it got bad after that and she started to explain if you would of told me from the beginning that you read the messages that I could of explained that her girl friend from work loked this guy and her internet wasn’t working so she let her use her Facebook to talk to him jn secret I didnt read enough to figure out why it had to be secret but I asked how could that be when her supposed messages where jumbled in with your so messages when your at home alone? And she said I wasn’t alone and I said you jever told me people came over and she said you never asked and I dont feel like I have to tell you if people come over of you didnt ask. And im like how am I supposed to know to ask when I was never known that you had people come over that late at night. Around 11-1. Well we decided to stay together because I didnt want to lose her because I love her but I asked her to not talk to him anymore. Well I asked her to promise to not talk to him anymore and that we start being 100% with eachother and she never gave me a straight answer. And then I started confront her about that and she said inshou8have to because its included with the we’re gonna try to continue our relationship. And before all this when we would talk with her Facebook messanger app when she would go to sleep or stop talking her app would log her out..but recently its logged on constantly even when she says that shes going to take a nap or sleep and ive noticed this and I find it weird. I love this girl but I find it hard to trust her because shes told me that shes cheated on 2 of her boyfriends before one because he was very abusive and she just wanted out and the other because he was constantly cheating on her and she told me that if she was gonna cheat on me she would leave me first. So idont know what to think shes normal with me all the time doesn’t act differently but yet I still feel like something is going on and she said that theres not and that if she wanted to leave me she would she said she wants married and a family and that she doesn’t want to play games so why would she do this that she wouldn’t continue this relationship if she didn’t see it going somewhere. So could you explain this please.

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Victoria Gigante September 21, 2014 at 1:08 pm

Jamison,

Thank you for sharing a bit about your story. It sounds like an open and honest conversation needs to be had because there are definitely some trust issues that need to be addressed. You must look in your own past and figure out how much of what’s going on is your own “stuff” coming to the service – and how much is REAL. But the bottom line is that something is off. I recommend reading this article I wrote (http://www.victoriagigante.com/how-do-i-overcome-insecurity-in-my-relationship/) and having a conversation with your girlfriend. But before you do that – make sure you are VERY clear about what you want to say and what parts of this YOU need to own.

Hope that helps.

Sending Peace & Clarity,
Victoria

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Jon September 17, 2014 at 6:45 pm

Dear Victoria.

Four months ago I was told about my girlfriend’s cheating ways, with another colleague. I decided to check her phone before confronting her and sure enough I found sexually suggestive messages.

When I confronted her the next day, she told me there is nothing going on there and that it ended two years ago. She had no idea that I had seen the texts. I let it slide.

A few weeks ago, out of curiosity I checked her texts on her phone and found texts spanning over 7 months with a lesbian she had a stint with. Basically telling her she’d like to re-live their memories. In on message the other lady asked her where I am and my lady replied I was sitting on the couch next to her while they sexted.

I have not confronted her yet about this but I would like to.

Could you kindly advice me on how to go about it.

Thanks
Jon

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Victoria Gigante September 21, 2014 at 1:11 pm

Jon,

Thank you for sharing your story.

You can use the steps I’ve outlined in this article to help you have this difficult conversation:
http://www.victoriagigante.com/how-do-i-overcome-insecurity-in-my-relationship/

But a conversation definitely needs to be had, and you MUST remain grounded and CLEAR if you want it to be productive. Defensiveness, accusatory statements, and anger aren’t going to get you anywhere. What are your intentions? What do you hope the end result of this conversation will be? Do you believe you’ll ever be able to trust this person again, and if so – what will it take to move past this?

These are all important questions I advise you to explore PRIOR to this conversation.

Sending you Peace & Clarity,
Victoria

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sean September 24, 2014 at 11:26 am

I’ve been with my girlfriend for 3 years and never had the urge to go through her phone until she started getting secretive and putting passwords on everything I went through her phone and see she is talking to her ex and she has a new “friend” where she is sending him nude pictures. I asked her to be honest with me and tell me if she would ever tell me if she cheated and things of the nature she sat there and lied to me with a straight face and tells me before we go to bed she loves me. I don’t know what to do or how to tell her I know she’s doing things behind my back

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Victoria Gigante September 27, 2014 at 7:13 am

Hi Sean,

Thank you for sharing a bit about your story. The key here is TRUST. You’ve already looked through her phone. What will it take for you to trust her again? It sounds like a difficult and honest conversation needs to be had between the two of you. Address the fact that you’ve been picking up on her hiding things and being secretive. Don’t accuse her of anything because that will just make her defensive. Instead, ASK her if there is anything you both can do to be more open and honest with each other.

Word of caution: Before you do this, make sure YOU are clear with how YOU feel and what YOU want. You already know she’s lied to you and that she’s being secretive. Be honest with yourself: Why do you believe this is happening, and how do YOU really feel about moving forward with this relationship – especially since you know she’s lied directly to your face?

It’s important to be CLEAR and GROUNDED.

Sending You Peace, Calm, & Clarity,
Victoria

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simon October 1, 2014 at 2:09 am

i love my girlfriend alot but she keeps getting mad about i picking her phone and even promises never to change anythin on it pliz help

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Victoria Gigante October 3, 2014 at 7:07 am

Hi Simon,

Why do you keep picking up her phone?

Peace & Love,
Victoria

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Skip October 5, 2014 at 10:43 pm

Hi Victoria,
I enjoy reading your feed back helping folks with personal issues. I am in a relationship with a girl after separating from my wife of 30 years. My ex-wife cheated on me several times and I finally had enough. In my current relationship my girlfriend talks on the phone with other guys she says she has known for years. It makes me very uncomfortable and she knows it. However she continues to do it at my expense of feeling uneasy. She calls them sweetie and tells them I love you. She insist they are just friends and their is nothing to it. I feel as I read in some of your blogs that maybe she keeps these guys on the hook as backups. I could be completely wrong about this and it may be my fears or insecurity after my marriage of 30 years failing. It’s just really uncomfortable with her spending hours on the phone with other guys. She has asked me to go meet these guys at one time or another and I always decline. I feel no guy just talks to a woman as a friend without having ulterior motives. What I mean by that is personal conversations. How do I resolve my issue? Thanks.

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Victoria Gigante October 10, 2014 at 6:43 am

Hi Skip,

Thank you for sharing a bit about your story.

When your marriage ended, did you take some time to work through YOUR part in the issues with your wife? Meaning – this behavior of being with women that show interest in other men while they are with YOU as a significant other? How would you have acted differently when you initially found out about the cheating? Are similar behaviors becoming a pattern in your intimate relationships? What’s acceptable to you and what’s NOT?

It’s definitely up to you to sort through whether or not this is insecurity from your marriage or not – but remember: we teach people how to treat us. How is your self-worth, and how is that impacting this current situation?

I also encourage you to read this post: http://www.victoriagigante.com/how-do-i-overcome-insecurity-in-my-relationship/

Have that difficult conversation, but before you go into it – make sure you are CLEAR with where you stand, and make sure you take responsibility for YOUR part of this situation – nothing more, nothing less.

Peace & Love,
Victoria

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RF October 6, 2014 at 12:34 am

I read some of the comments, but not all of them. So, I hope that this is not a repetitive comment.
My girlfriend has changed her cell phone’s passcode twice in the previous month. I had a cheating girlfriend before and this adds to my pessimism. I know that my current girlfriend is not cheating yet and she is not the type that cheats sexually (she’ll break up before cheating), but there is something going on and she is hiding it from me. It might be a trivial thing such as her mother’s messages since her mother does not like me. The whole idea that she might be even trying to text someone else is very strange to me since we have just started our relationship 3 months ago! (Of course, it worth mentioning that we gave some negative comments to each others body like not having a six pack or enough muscles (she told me) or having celluloid on her buttocks (I told her). But we managed to pass that stupid childish period- at least I think so!).
The reason I do not want to talk to her before checking her mobile is that I do not want her to come up with some lame excuses or to change her behaviour once she sees that I am suspicious. I want to first find out if she is cheating or hiding something and then talk to her because i would not want this relationship to go any further if she is thinking of other ‘OPTIONS’. I hope this is not sick.
——————————-
Above was the comment that for an unknown reason did not went through. Now that I am writing, I have briefly (in about 2 minutes) checked her text messages. I found nothing very strange, but the idea that she carries her phone even to the bathroom is still bothering me. I think she receives some strange emails as she is very alert about her them. I did not have time to check her Viber or Facebook either. I see that I am acting very childish, but now checking her cell phone is on my nerves and does not leave me since it would be easy for me as an IT guy! or I can leave her cell phone and have my doubts (if not forever, at least for now!). I don’t know if it is only me or most of the people are like this, but I do not want to be the stupid guy in the relationship which his girlfriend cheats on him and he thinks that everything is OK! What is your suggestion?

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Victoria Gigante October 10, 2014 at 6:45 am

Thank you for sharing a bit about your story.

This boils down to trust:
Can you trust this woman enough to NOT check her phone? If not, then why would you want to stay with her?

Also, read this: http://www.victoriagigante.com/how-do-i-overcome-insecurity-in-my-relationship/

Sending Peace & Calm,
Victoria

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RF October 19, 2014 at 8:17 am

Thank you very much Victoria.

To answer your question: I am in this relationship because I like her. However, we have been in this relationship for only 3 months (I know it is a little bit early for acting pessimist!). I always start my relationships (all types of it) with 60% of trust and then add to it as the time passes. So, I think in this case which is a personal relationship, she started acting suspicious before building a trust. Also, there is a good chance that I am making a mistake and as you said I am acting insecure. So, I am trying to work on myself as I am really trying to start and build a long-term relationship.

I also watched your video and found it interesting. For the first step; I started feeling insecure from the time that she started giving negative comments about my body and in one case compared me with pornographic stars (for sure I was a looser in that comparison!) Then she started changing her pass-code. I really feel insecure in front of bodybuilders and while watching porn (of course, when she is with me).
The answer to the second step is that I fear of her, leaving me or cheating on me. I always considered myself as a very clever and quick witted person and it would be a big failure for me to be cheated by someone! I am also afraid of seeing her with another person after breaking up with her. So, I think there is a problem of ego here.

I am trying to work on myself as I think that I am becoming severely pessimist and sceptical in a psychological manner! Today, I even thought of hiring personal detectives to follow her on a meeting that she has next week!! :))

Thank you again.

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dj October 6, 2014 at 5:54 pm

Hello, my gf got a new cell phone and i know she doesnt have the money to buy one.so when i ask her who got it she says her mother bought it but thats a little unusual so when i ask her to simply prove it to me she gets very angry and wont do it and lately she has been stubborn and extremely inconsiderate of my concern and says im crazy and controling, but im not any of those things and now im at the end of my rope we just recently moved in together and since then its been hell but i have nowhere else to go.i need honesty but i strongly feel that i dont get it.please help me clarify this because i think i need to leave but have nowhere else.what do i do?

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Victoria Gigante October 10, 2014 at 6:53 am

DJ,

From what you’ve written, you know what you WANT to do: You WANT to leave and you DON’T trust her – whether she’s being honest with you or not is irrelevant at this point. The fact that you have no place to go is not your girlfriends problem, but it’s certainly not a reason to STAY. Figure it out. Living together is only hurting the two of you… and you know this!

Sending Peace & Courage,
Victoria

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confused October 9, 2014 at 1:27 pm

Ive been with my partner for about 10 yrs. We have 3 kids together. When I 1st met her I noticed she would do little things that would get me jealous. For example, we went out to a karaoke bar once and at some point during the night I walked over to the bar to get us some drinks. When I started walking back to her I see her and some random guy laughing….her face is close to his because the music is loud and she has her hand near his shoulder as if she were whispering something….I felt let down to be honest. Here was a girl i just met, we got along great I thought and that moment ruined my night. I know alot of it is my fault for feeling this way but I cant help it. See some guy standing next to her and they’re both laughing with their backs turned towards me while im the one paying for her drinks. We talked about it, I told her I didnt like it and I wouldn’t do that to her. The whole laughing while you’re touching someone else is not ok with me…..i dont know why, its just not unless you’re single. It just gives off a certain vibe….anyway….just this last year I started to notice that certain details in some of her stories would change. One day she might say, I put gas in my car and now I dont have money….the next day she might say something like I didnt put gas yesterday Im going to do it today. HUH??? I started to notice the inconsistencies more and more. She’s gotten along great with my family the entire time I’ve known her but something changed about a yr ago. My sister and her had a falling out, her and my mom had a disagreement, my sister in law and her stopped talking…..the one thing I keep hearing is that shes a liar. I told her to go and talk to my mom and make things right…..when she tried, my mom said she would not talk to her unless I was there. I finally had enough of all the he said she said so I secretly installed a spy app on her cell phone.(I had paid for both of our phones, the phone bill was under my name etc etc so I wasn’t worried about privacy laws)So this is when I began to have doubts….I would think to myself…. if she can lie about something small, whats to stop her from lying about something bigger? I began looking at her cell records. I noticed calls at night when I would either be at work or at a family members house. Some numbers are saved in her phone under co-worker names (females)…..others are not. I started to notice that none of those calls would come in when I would stay home. I picked up her phone a couple of times and saw that her incoming calls were disabled. No wonder the phone never rang when I was there? She would sometimes go to her moms house for 1 to 2 weeks at a time and her gps would misteriously disappear then miraculously reappear when she was getting close to home. I eventually brought this up to her and she denied doing anything. I must admit I didnt find a smoking gun but what I did find was something just as bad if not worse!

See, the app I installed records all calls. I can hear her talking to lets say her mom….. her mom would ask something like ….did you ask him about….whatever….it could be anything. My gf would tell her yeah I did but he doesnt want to do it. But she would never asked me anything? Or lets say we got into an arguement and I appologized after. She would call one of her close friends and would make up a story. Something that never happend! We once seperated for about a week. During that time I told her not to call me unless it had to do with ouor kids. She told her friend that Its been an entire week and I havent even once called to ask about the kids. Blatant lies. Ive since told her that I dont want anything to do with her unless she seeks professional help. She says she will but hasnt lifted a finger. The app is still there….secretly recording her calls…..and I STILL hear her lies. What is wrong with her????? Why does she feel like she has to lie about everything…..her lieing ways have broken up the family we once had……and for that I hate her!

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Victoria Gigante October 10, 2014 at 6:55 am

Confused,

Thank you for sharing a bit about your story. It sounds like an open and honest conversation needs to be had about all of this turmoil you’re feeling. I recommend you read this article I’ve written: http://www.victoriagigante.com/how-do-i-overcome-insecurity-in-my-relationship/

Trust and open communication are KEY.

Sending Peace & Calm,
Victoria

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Luke October 11, 2014 at 10:05 am

Hi Victoria,

I have been with my gf for 4 months now and she is my first relationship. I appreciate its not very long. However she is older than me and has just gone through a divorce with her ex husband and has much more relationship experience than myself. For the first three months we were so happy together, we would see each other all the time and we would stay with each other almost every night at her request normally. Admittedly this may have been too much too soon but both of us were happy with it. She is moving in with her bro soon and she even asked if I wanted to move in with her when she does move.

However this last month I could tell something wasn’t quite right. She told me someone had asked her out on a date and she had said no at the time. She then asked me a week later if she could go out for a meal with the same guy as friends. At the time I said ok as she told me about it and was honest with me. I trusted her. Anyway she went to dinner with him and the next day I thought things were back to normal and thought nothing of it. Over the next week though she wasn’t the same, she suddenly didn’t want to see me as much, she barely text me and she just felt distant from me. I would text her and she wouldn’t reply for hours which isn’t normal for her. so I would text again and try and ring because I was concerned as this wasn’t her normal behaviour. She would then have a go at me for questioning her and she started assuming I was checking up on her when I was just concerned for her. She became more and more distant with me and I felt that she didn’t love me anymore. She also said she didn’t want me to move in with her anymore, claiming that she wouldn’t have enough free time to herself. One night I asked to stay with her and she agreed. My gut told me something wasn’t quite right and when she wasn’t around I checked her phone. I was right to be suspicious as she had been texting this guy who had asked her out about meeting up and staying together. I was truly devastated to say the least. I immediately confronted her about it and her initial reaction was to apologise and tell me I had nothing to worry about. I’m a sensitive person as it is and I cant stop worrying about it. The next day however I wanted to chat about it and she started having a go at me for talking about it. She became all defensive and angry at me. She claims that I should stop worrying and if I still am then we’re through. I just don’t know what to do here. I want to talk to her about it but she refuses. She’s so stubborn and narrow minded and she only seems to care what she wants and not what I want as well. I don’t know if she is cheating on me or not because I haven’t seen anything to confirm that but I can never get hold of her now and she never asks to see me anymore because I’m upset and sulky according to her. I’m really hurting at the moment and I just want to sort this out and go back to how we were before this other guy appeared. The worse thing is I know who the other guy is but he has no idea I’m with her. I’ve considered approaching him about it as well as it doesn’t seem fair on him either.

What made her do this and if I have nothing to worry why does she lie to me about where she goes when I don’t see her. She still texts and rings me but never anywhere near as much as she used to and her texts don’t feel genuine like they used to if that makes any sense. She claims to still love me but it doesn’t feel like that anymore. I barely see her now and it doesn’t help that I saw her every day before this happened so I really miss her and I feel so alone now. I just want to talk to her about it but she’s impossible to speak to in a reasonable manner and it upsets me greatly.

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Victoria Gigante October 13, 2014 at 5:41 am

Hi Luke,

Thank you for sharing a bit about your story. Clearly, this woman is pulling back for a reason. The way you feel is “normal” – it’s the push and pull of relationships. One person pulls away, the other person clings on more, the other person pulls away more, etc. It’s a cycle.

The real question here is: Can you slow things down, give this woman space, and live your OWN life? It sounds like things got hot and heavy pretty quickly.

You’ve tried to speak with her and she won’t have a conversation about how she feels. But you know something is up. (Your gut told you, but you also checked her phone). Also, read this: http://www.victoriagigante.com/how-do-i-overcome-insecurity-in-my-relationship/

If this woman refuses to have a conversation about how she feels, and you’ve approached her in a reasonable way, then it’s a “choose yourself or lose yourself” moment.

Sending you peace & strength,
Victoria

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Maxine October 14, 2014 at 5:22 am

My partner and I have been in a five year relationship with no concerns of potential infidelity until recently. I had a gut feeling and followed it. I read her emails and found love letters from an alleged friend as well as she depositing money into her bank account frequently. I confronted both and not denied. We’re still together; however she has since then changed her password to her email account, cell phone and bank account, yet mine has remained the same and I have given her free access anytime she wants to. Should I be concerned?
Maxine

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Victoria Gigante October 23, 2014 at 7:47 pm

Maxine,

Thank you for sharing a bit about your story. RE-read what you’ve written. Should you be concerned? You tell me. The bottom line is that trust has been broken. Transparency is critical, as is communication. Have an open and honest conversation with her (I suggest reading this first: http://www.victoriagigante.com/how-do-i-overcome-insecurity-in-my-relationship/). Then make a decision. Trust yourself.

Sending Peace & Strength,
Victoria

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Jeff October 14, 2014 at 5:37 pm

Well I met this girl on plenty of fish and we hit it off pretty good we were like no one we ever met before. I admit I had pass trust issues but through words and deeds she won me over and I gave her my trust. Well a little time passes and even after telling her about how my last serious relationship failed, she lied and told me she didn’t need pof anymore. So, one day she sent me a screen shot and a message
icon was at the top of her phone notification bar a feeling came over me and told me to look at her phone, so I did and there was the app. So we had a discussion about it and I was so in love I forgave her, she told me she wasn’t sure if I was real or not which I felt was bull shit after all the feelings I expressed to her, and everything she said to me. I looked in her phone a couple me tunes after that and she’s had hidden message apps and her excuse was that she was trying to see if I was looking in her phone again cause she knows I’m gonna say something to her I don’t know if I can trust her she’s had a couple different hidden message apps. Should I believe what’s she’s saying she say she loves me a lot why won’t she just break up with me and do her?

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Victoria Gigante November 6, 2014 at 6:11 am

Hi Jeff,

Are you and your girlfriend still together? If YES, then I hope you’ve worked on the root of the issue: Lack of trust in your relationship. If NO, then it may be helpful to do some inner work on your own to heal through some of these pain from your past relationships. This will help you feel more secure in your Self, which will translate into finding a partner that is also more secure in who they are.

Sending you Peace & Clarity,
Victoria

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Leo October 22, 2014 at 7:50 am

So my g.f went travelling abroad for a while. I was pretty much at ease with the situation but a few things were said by various people about her demeanor, rather flirtatious and forward etc. Anyway, eventually when she got back I looked through her phone, turns out her and her friend went skinny dipping with random guys. Also in one of her received messages it told her “stay away from the local guys” to which she replied “i was on the shoulders of one of them last night, lol” to which he replied “Im not even going to ask”. Although I haven’t found anything relating to blatant cheating, at the very least she was acting in a way that she wouldn’t had I been there. This makes me extremely resentful to be honest. I have brought it up before about the skinny dipping, and she ended up crying saying that she did not do anything to cheat on me and never crossed the line, that she loved me too much. In fairness I skyped her almost every day and she kept me up to date. But at the same time I do feel like I’m being taken for a fool. Call me paranoid, but there are people out there who are more than capable of lying to your face and making it seem real. I have this horrible feeling she is one of those people. And her lying would be explainable on the following grounds: she does love me, and she knows that if I found out she cheated I would end things and she does not want to lose me so will do whatever it takes (including lying) to hold on.
Someone’s outside perspective please?
Thanks,
Leo

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Victoria Gigante November 6, 2014 at 6:15 am

Leo,

How has this situation evolved since you posted this question? I’m curious why you felt the need to check her phone in the first place, especially if the two of you had been communicating every day. Check out this article I wrote: http://www.victoriagigante.com/how-do-i-overcome-insecurity-in-my-relationship/

It may come down to having a simple conversation about what you both deem appropriate in a relationship. But before you approach your girlfriend, ensure that you’re clear with WHY you originally checked her phone. Was their insecurity on your part from past relationships? Also, be clear with how you want things to turn out. It won’t be helpful to start accusing her of things, especially if you want the outcome of this conversation to be that you remain together.

Be honest, open, and clear.

Sending Peace & Courage,
Victoria

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Tyler Harry October 23, 2014 at 10:12 pm

I’ve been dating this girl for 7 months. Things were great in the beginning. I was never happier until she came into my life. But recently she has been texting someone that she claims is a friend. That she has known him since she was little. That she sees him just as a big brother. Numorous times. Finding out that I’m the one who has affectionate issues . She tells him the problem instead of telling me personally. Before we started dating, she told me she had problems opening up to people. But she can tell him anything. Recently. After the constant texting to this guy. I got my suspicions and went through her phone. She texts him good morning. Every day. They obviously flirt back and forth. I seen a picture of him in nothing but a bath towel. I have told her honestly how I felt. And she’s the one that got upset with me. Understandable. But I had to know. She is going back to her hometown to visit this weekend. She says she going to catch up with friends. But, it’s also where he lives. I have seen in the messages that they talk about me. But it is insulting. She texts him in ways that she used to with me. The fact of that hurts me truly. I have been trying to regain back the trust that I have betrayed upon upon her . All she keeps telling me she needs time. She is the kind of person who is too nice to admit if anything is going on. I worry that she doesn’t need the time to gain my trust back. But the time to tell me that she doesn’t want to be with her anymore. I love her to death and still want make things go right again. Back to the way things were.

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Victoria Gigante November 6, 2014 at 6:41 pm

Tyler,

Thank you for sharing your story.

If you truly want to be with this woman, then stop focusing on the things you DON’T want, and start putting your energy and effort towards the things you do want. If you keep harping on this issue, you’re going to push her away – probably right into the arms of this other man. You’ve already looked in her phone, so it sounds like there are some insecurities on your part that need to be dealt with. Have you tried having an open and honest discussion with this woman? Have you expressed to her what you DO want?

There are always going to be other men and women out there – tempting both parties in a relationship – especially old friendships. But if what you want is to revisit the deeper connection you felt in the past, then focus on that. It doesn’t sound like this woman has done anything with this friend – but the reality is that he exists, and that there is chemistry there (it’s why they’re friends!). Don’t keep pushing her away by lashing out and violating her trust by sneaking behind her back and checking her phone.

Use your words. Speak from your heart.

Sending Peace & Calm,
Victoria

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William October 28, 2014 at 12:05 am

Yes Victoria, Wanted to see if my gut feeling is serving me wrong here. Just meet the girl, we’ve been dating for about three months now, but in the beginning found out that her best friend (who is a guy) has a key to her flat. He’s also the Manager of the flat as well. When I addressed the situation she assured me that nothing was going on and that they were just close friends. We all went out one night and we were a little tipsy and I notice she hugs him from behind while telling him something in his ear. She says she was discussing with him about a bar bill but I was upset as to why she had to hold him in that manner just to get that point across. My suspicions got the best of me and I checked her What’s App messages to the best friend and found that all the messages were erased except for a few misc. images. Then the other night she receives a call from an UNKNOWN number at 12am and dosen’t answer the phone.. She says she doesn’t answer unknown numbers. I’m thinking she should for the simple fact it could be a family member in need. What do you think?

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Victoria Gigante November 6, 2014 at 6:48 pm

William,

Thank you for sharing a bit about your story.

I understand that the current living arrangement that your girlfriend is in is probably quite uncomfortable for you. The bottom line is that you’ve only been together for 3 months. At this point, the best you can do is have a difficult conversation with your girlfriend and express that the current situation with her ex makes you uncomfortable – and that eventually you hope that you can find an alternative living arrangement. But it’s only been 3 months. Give this time…

When you saw this woman hug her ex, you created a story in your mind about what that meant. The only thing you can do in that situation is confront your girlfriend and express how it made you feel – which you did. Checking her phone was a violation of HER trust – and your thoughts about her not answering the unknown phone call at midnight are both assumptions. Again, you’re crafting a story about what you’re seeing.

Your feelings are valid, and it’s important to express them. But acting on those feelings and lashing out are not productive. Expressing those feelings verbally can be helpful, but you can’t control your girlfriend. Beyond expressing how you feel, it’s up to her to honor those feelings – or NOT. If she chooses not to, then you have a choice – leave or stay. But checking her phone? Monitoring her every move? These behaviors aren’t the signs of a healthy relationship.

Sending Peace & Calm,
Victoria

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Mick November 9, 2014 at 12:10 pm

Hi… I am 36 years old and my wife is 35, we met at school 23 years ago And been together ever since, we have 3 daughters together the oldest is 15 years old then 13 and the youngest is 8, she’s the only one I’ve ever wanted and always believed we would grow old together, then suddenly 4 weeks ago she tells me ‘she loves me but is not in love with me’ and when I asked about how she feels like that she says she’s been feeling like that for over a year now so obviously I am shocked then almost instantly I feel she’s hideing something from me it then a few days after the news I find a empty packet of condoms and she says it’s her friends, I have to believe her she’s my wife and I trust her, then 3 days later my youngest daughter gives me her phone thinking its mine (we have the same phone) and its a message of a man saying are you coming over today so i read the rest of them and basically it looked like she was having an affair so I confront her about it explaining my daughter passed it thinking it was mine and owned up to reading them then she says it’s nothing and I shouldn’t worry, again I believe her and she says don’t worry I have deleted his number and everything is ok then A few days later she starts to blank me and gets very secretive over her phone (hideing it when I walk in the room,sleeping with it under her pillow and not letting anybody touch it)so it goes on for a few weeks then she says it’s over between us, it’s the worst time of my life I feel like my hearts been ripped out and I don’t want to lose her but this morning I did the worst thing(or maybe not) she went for a night out and didn’t get back until 7 the next morning so her phone is just lying there while she sleeps so I read her messages and what I found was a Message from my wife to this man who’s number she was suppose to delete saying ‘hi babe I’am home now and missing you xxx’ So now do I tell her I’ve read her phone and I no or do I say nothing, I really don’t no it’s killing me thinking she been with another man ??

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Victoria Gigante November 18, 2014 at 8:35 pm

Mick,

Thank you for sharing a bit about your story. Have things evolved since you posted this?

I know this must be a painful time for you, and I also know this isn’t what you want to hear – but Mick, based off of what you’ve written, it’s obvious that you know what’s going on here. The real questions is this: What are you going to do about it? How do you want this situation to unfold?

Remember, this isn’t about you checking her phone. This is about the future of your relationship together. It’s about getting to the root of the problem and deciding how the two of you want to move forward as ADULTS that at one point decided to get married. Get clear with yourself about how you want things to unfold, and have a difficult conversation with your wife.

Resist getting defensive, argumentative, and angry. Try to focus on the facts and remain grounded. Get clear with yourself FIRST.

You’ve got this Mick.

Sending you peace & courage,
Victoria

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Derek Miller November 12, 2014 at 11:14 am

Hi my name is Derek. My girlfriend has been ignoring me for the past two days. She says that she doesn’t want to talk about it. I’m really worried about her but every time I try to ask her what’s wrong she shrugs it off. I have no idea what’s going on in her life. Is it family problems, or is it me? Victoria please help me.

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Victoria Gigante November 18, 2014 at 1:17 pm

Derek,

Thank you for sharing a bit about your story. I’m curious how things are now? The best thing to do is inform your girlfriend that you’re there for her when/if she’s ready to talk. The key is to not let your mind spiral out of control. Focus on the FACTS of the situation. Don’t let your mind go in circles simply because she isn’t saying anything to you.

BUT – also understand that communication is critical to successful relationships. So it’s important to have a conversation with your girlfriend at some point and explain to her how you feel. Just ensure that you don’t start becoming accusatory and/or defensive.

Sending Peace & Clarity,
Victoria

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Terry November 15, 2014 at 2:07 pm

Victoria,

First of all, congrats on this very helpful/useful site. You clearly have a large following and it’s so lovely to see you respond to all of the posts that appear!

My situation is way beyond the ‘should I check the phone?’ stage unfortunately. I am currently engaged to my gf of 3 years, due to marry next July. Unfortunately (and I still regret this each and every day) I was caught messaging a girl from home over Facebook. Admittedly they were suggestive and I did declare that I was having issues with my gf – clearly looking for attention. However I am 100% confident that I would never have acted on it once the fb chat was over – I am sure it was a momentary lapse where I was after a brief moment of attention.

After a painful week (the memory of her crying and telling me that I’d “trampled all over her heart” still haunts me) she amazingly took me back. Immediately I offered full access to my emails, phone, Facebook etc with the aim of being transparent for as long as she needs. I told her not to feel guilty if she felt that she needed a quick check. All contact with this girl was cut off and I have had no temptation to message her again whatsoever.

The Facebook event happened in April this year. We recently had an issue where a colleague has been showing me a little too much attention. Again I am maintaining transparency however my gf is taking her anger out on me, and I hate seeing her like this – she doesn’t deserve it. I have told me gf that I am going to confront my colleague and let her know my issue – I would speak to my colleague from my point of view and never bring my gf into it.

When I feel that we are making progress as a couple (ie deciding together how to deal with this issue) it quickly turns on its head and goes back to frustration and the issue of me not being 100% trustworthy. My phone is then checked infront of my and each message I have with people is questioned. The argument can then get very hostile and it’s clear that she doesn’t trust me fully.

1. Is it wrong of me to start feeling tired of these occasional inquisitions by my gf? It’s got to the stage where I feel like I’m treading on thin ice all of the time. Or, because of my slip up in the past should I expect to answer to the occasional check up from time to time?

2. On the surface what do you think? We are so happy when it is just us two in each other’s company, however there seems too be a lot of arguments after we have been with others. I am a very sociable and talkative person,however I am often being brought up for giving other people too much attention.

3. We are due to be married next summer. I am scared a little by our future. Put simply – I know I did wrong. I know if have to work hard to allow time for trust to be brought back. I understand that I have to be transparent and honest for ever. However, is it wrong to ask to not be reminded of my slip up so often?

Regards.

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Victoria Gigante November 19, 2014 at 6:04 am

Terry,

Thank you for sharing your story. Your comment is well thought out, and it’s obvious that you’ve been thinking about this a great deal.

Here are my thoughts.

1. Yes, it’s normal for you to get fed up with this situation. Your approach of being 100% transparent is great, and it sounds like you are taking full accountability for your actions and trying to be proactive, even in situations that are out of your control (i.e. this new colleague at work). However, the bottom line is that your girlfriend has to do the work as well. Mainly, she has to DECIDE to make herself vulnerable to you again. She has to DECIDE to trust you again. She has to DECIDE that she wants to make this work, and that she’s willing to risk the potential to get hurt again. If she isn’t willing to step into that fear and work through her own insecurities, then this will go on for a very long time. And at some point – that’s going to become frustrating to you (it already seems to be at that point).

Yes, it’s on you to be transparent. But it’s also on her to DECIDE to move past this. If she won’t do that, then why is she marrying you? Not to be too blunt here, but seriously – AT SOME POINT, you must move past this. Do you really want to be married to someone that can’t 100% fully trust you?

All of that being said, trust takes a long time to rebuild. This situation occurred in April. It hasn’t even been one full year yet. You tell me: Is that long enough? The answer is subjective. All I know is this: You definitely want this cleared up before you walk down the aisle next July.

2. Clearly your girlfriend has insecurities, which have obviously been amplified due to this current situation. Again, she has to do the work to overcome those insecurities. But, YOU also have to do the work. What parts of her concerns are based in reality (i.e. are there times when you ARE giving others more attention?) and what parts of these situations is she amplifying out of fear?

Also, you mentioned in the beginning of your post that all of this started because YOU were looking for attention from another woman. What spurred that to occur? That’s important to explore as well.

3. You are due to get married next July. You both have work to do. My suggestion: Sit down and have some REAL conversations. There are some underlying issues that need to be addressed for these trust issues to be resolved.

Don’t be discouraged by my thoughts. If the two of you are committed to making this work, you’ll find a way to overcome this situation.

Sending you Peace & Calm,
Victoria

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Marty November 16, 2014 at 12:27 am

My girlfriend and I have been dating for 11 months and living together for 8 months. We really care about each other and I’m even thinking of asking her to marry me on our 1 year anniversary. We have both been around the block. I’m 48 and she’s 50. I’ve been divorced 3 times and she has been divorced twice. Sometimes it seems like it’s almost too good to be true. She NEVER yells at me and we rarely even get in serious disagreements. She does everything she can to please me and puts me on a pedestal. We have both been pretty open about our past, at least I think so. The one thing that I’ve always found curious is that she always logs out of her Facebook account when she is done. I have decided to be an open book and don’t have anything going on with anyone that I would be afraid for her to see. Neither one of us are the jealous type.

So, we were on a road trip and my phone wouldn’t connect to the web to check something on Facebook, so she said I could use her phone, which I did. After doing what I needed to do I noticed it said she had 1 new message….this was where I wish I could go back and change it….I checked her messages and found a message string going back for months to a guy. She had told me about this guy…just said he was an old friend, and he lives out of the country now. But in their messages there was a lot of sex talk…she said she fantasizes about him, them miss each other and had good times when they were together…he said he wished she were his femdom and she said “anytime, and always in my dreams”.

I haven’t told her that I’ve seen this yet and debating on whether I should, or what it means. I just know that it makes me feel very bad…stomach starts turning thinking about it, and now I’m debating on proposing to her now or what our long term future looks like now, without discussing it. I now can really relate to the song “I wish I didn’t know now, what I didn’t know then..”.

I would appreciate any advice you can give.

Thanks

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Steven Talbott November 16, 2014 at 9:07 pm

I am so happy to have come across this article. It’s so perfect for what I’m going through and I’ve never heard this perspective before. I tried at first to confront the issue but my partner wrote me off as being crazy and fabricating reality out of pure coincidence. He had me apologizing to him for my own feelings and lack of trust. This went on for a couple of weeks. I searched for the “smoking gun” several anything. Deep down, I knew his cell phone had the proof I wanted and now know, didn’t even need. Pictures just appeared by chance on a tablet, though and the person in the pictures was a new friend of my partner who I disliked from the very first handshake.

I now see how powerful the gut is and realize I shouldn’t take my intuition for granted. It’s tricky though because you tell yourself you just met this person, they haven’t done anything wrong and my nature us to always give people the benefit of the doubt. People I get that weird dishing for are yii

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Dan November 24, 2014 at 11:47 pm

Victoria ,
Need some help with this. My girlfriend has a child with her Ex they talk daily and she has been most upfront with my about the whole situation. Still though I feel uneasy with it. I expressed my concerns with her yet she still just reassures me that its nothing there except a friendship. My concerns are though he still trys to be a part of her life as in a boyfriend role with her. (nothing sexual) but as I am always here as a friend kinda thing.
It makes me uneasy about the situation. Are my feelings just? Or am I just being overally jealous? Also to I have yet to bring my concerns about this but I found out too she lied to me about a upcoming event that she told me she was going to. She told me that she was going with a friend (not her ex) and I found out he (the Ex) is actually the one that she is going with. I am not sure how to address this situation cause I found this out by reading their text messages. I know feel like i did something wrong by reading them but we both use each others phones all the time (we know each others lock codes so she knows I can read her messages) But I think she felt as i wouldn’t read her messages which I did. So I know she is going with him but she straight out lied to me about it. Again confused on how I should address this .
Thanks sorry for rambling appreciate any advice you could give.

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Michael k November 28, 2014 at 1:06 am

Hi Victoria

I have come across this post and read many of the stories here because I checked my girls phone and found she is sleeping with neighbor.
And I am very happy that I did check her phone.

Though I agree with you that the root of the problem is deep then these actions but clearly there are always two sides to a story.

And to assume that when a person has checked a phone or email that they should look at themselves is ridiculous.

As for myself I would never check a phone unless two things were happening. 1. My girl Shows or can hide the fact she is communicating with others. And 2. When confronted or better to say when I try to discuss it bothers me. She denies everything and says I have nothing to worry about.

But “your gut” tells u different. And as much as you “press” this issue with your partner. The more they go into denial.

My situation is unique because we are long distance and speak different languages.

The strange part of my situation is she is cheating on my while at the same time introducing me to her parents. Living in her apartment w her 4 year old son and planning where and how we will move in together.

Sometimes checking someone’s phone is a precautionary step when moving into a serious relation.

So to your exact point of looking at the root of the problem. It usual stems from fear on both sides.

Advising people to remove their emotions and feeling from these situations is terribly unrealistic.

On the other hand I have been on the opposite side of this situation too. And as I say to most my relations. If you are not willing to open your phone or your personal then you are not ready to have a serious relationship. There should be nothing to hide.

And truly the most annoying thing about your article is it kind of justifies and enables cheaters. Maybe you have never dated a clever man who lied beautifully. But so many will get away with it if they can. Hiding behind lies and “privacy” is manipulative. So many good people have been hurt terribly for trusting the wrong person for too long.

It’s like you put the cheaters and or liars before the vulnerable people who have probably laid out a lot more of their soul.

It seems a much more constructive blog would be in the vein of “how to offer the trust your partner needs”

People are inherently different and have unique values based on their childhood.
And as much as u preach “trust should be automatic” it’s not!
It’s built on truth honesty and sharing.

There is nothing to trust if you don’t share anything of value.

And my closing note
If people were brave enough to be honest and stron enough not to cheat on their partner. Then they certainly wouldn’t be checking your phone.

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Kyeran December 1, 2014 at 5:25 am

I’ve been with my girlfriend for just over 3 years now and at the start of this year things went down hill. We was in our rocky patch and she went out to town, the next day I went to go see her and she told me she had just rang ‘C’ and I thought in my head she had never had this persons number before. I ask her if she got this persons number last night she said yes. So I walked out in a mood wound up (this person is a mutual ‘friend’ of ours) tried ringing him he wouldn’t answer (if you ask me guilty straight away). I asked them both why they had each other’s numbers and and they both told me it was so ‘C’ could get in touch with my girlfriend when he found thier lift home (which was my girlfriends brother in which they already had each other’s numbers) Anyway all was forgotten about for a few months until I got accused of sleeping with a girl. My girlfriend asked me to go for a test and it didn’t come back clear so stupidly I accused her of going with this ‘C’. She went and ask her brother if ‘C’ had any std and he said no (but why would she need to ask if she hadn’t done anything) until a week ago or so some things was kept very secret the amount of times they text and ‘C’ also told one of my friends they use to flirt over text I asked my girlfriend she didn’t deny it and started carrying on. When ever I mention him or give sly digs about her going behind my back she gets defensive and if I question her (for my own piece of mind which I have not got) she starts saying why are you asking me I’ve already told you can you just leave it now ect ect. The boy is now blocked on her account and from what I know the number is deleted as I don’t check her phone. I spoke to ‘C’ about it told him I didn’t want to ever see him near her or speak to her and to forget about it all and he just told me that nothing happened (but why defende when I haven’t accused). My girlfriend originally told me they spoke a few times but nothing I had to worry about I left her to make do with the number when I first found out about it because I had no reasons not to trust her. If she was so ad imitate that she hasn’t done anything why would she still be with me. She will look on my phone if it’s sat on the side and sometimes accuses me of being with girls when I go out but all this has made me think maybe she’s guilty of something.

Can you please help me try and get my head a little bit straight

Many thanks
Kyeran

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James December 7, 2014 at 3:50 am

Hi Victoria.
This is probably one of the best sites I’ve seen for getting information and someone else opinion. If really appreciate it if you could shed some light on my situation.
At the start of the year things with me and my girlfriend for 3+ years started a bit rocky always falling out silly break ups n arguments. I remember her telling me she was going out to town one night, she went out with 3 friends and then met with her brother and two of his friends (which are also my friends). She never text me when she got in, she was up early for work, no text and I eventually text her asking if I could go see her she replied yes. When I got there she told me she had tried ringing her brother and he said he would be home soon he was just with ‘C’. Then she told me she had rang ‘C’ and he answered. Now before the night out she didn’t have this ‘C’ boys number she had know him a few years but he’s sly, I spat my dummy out and walked out I tried to ring boy ‘C’ but he wouldn’t answer the phone to me (said his speaker had broken) although he had just been on the phone to my girlfriend and ‘C’ told me they swapped numbers because she couldn’t find her brother and didn’t wanna get left behind. But he brother has a phone so she didn’t need it.

She started jogging buying new clothes and went out to town a lot more, the only thing I got suspicious of was when I went on my break at work she’d never reply but I never thought anything of it. We got back on track in like March/April. In March someone told my girlfriend I had slept with another girl which I hadnt so she asked me to get a test. My test come back positive, but apparently the girl who I apparently slept with was all clear. So I pointed the finger at her and this ‘C’ but she’s not the sort to do something like that (that’s what we all say) I told her she must have done something with him or someone. Her test can back ‘negative’ but took tablets anyway, she told me the doctor said she should take them and another time she told me she asked for them to be on the safe side (lie?) after being unsure I use to bicker with her about it and eventually she told ‘C’ that I thought they had slept together (was this a warning?).

There are little things what I don’t get eg she started liking his status. He would write a status saying he’s off out my girlfriend would have an angry status. She once wrote a status saying ‘need some TLC’ I wrote after ‘Everything Happens For A Reason’ then the next day it appeared on this ‘C’ status. Are these just all coincidence? I think there’s too many coincidences for it to be nothing.

The other week she admitted to texting him a bit she told me it was only a day when we broke up but I know that’s a lie because even my girlfriends brother use to say to her I bet your still texting ‘C’ but I never clicked on. ‘C’ told one of my friends the other day that they use to flirt over text, so I questioned him about it he totally denyed it where as my girlfriend just told me she was fed up of hearing about it and that I go on and on. ‘C’ also said to one of my other friends the other day, ‘if I’d of slept with her I’d of told him’ but he couldn’t even admit they flirted so he couldn’t possibly admit that. She has now deleted this guys number and blocked him on Facebook when me and my girlfriend got back on track e created a Instagram which she never followed him on althought at this point I didn’t know anything of what had happened. When I first found out about it I asked her is there anything I should know or anything what’s been said or happened what could piss me off’ she replied ‘no’ yet little things have trickled out at a time.

Can you shed any light on my problem?
Thanks james

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Jason December 9, 2014 at 2:17 pm

So I I’ve been with this girl for 6 months and she is very attractive so naturally she allways has make attention directed her way. She always tells me for the most part. We have had deep conversations about what is acceptable and whats not and set up boundaries. So I have the pw to her fb, she told me an ex hit her up on fb and keeps telling her he still loves her. I was asking her question s about it and felt like something was off with the answers I was getting so I checked her fb messages my self and confirmed my suspicions. I didn’t tell her I did this and started asking her questions about the convo and she started lying as I already knew the answers. I can’t tell her I know she’s lying because me checking her messages was wrong, I feel more wrong then her lying but she is lying and trying to cover lies with more lies..What do I do please help!

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John December 12, 2014 at 12:05 pm

Hi I am in my first most serious relationship, I’m 23 my misses is 37, I have been with her for 1 year 4 months, I love her so much, want to spend the rest of my life with her, we have a 7 week old son, now I have recently become really paranoid about her and her best mate, which is a male at the same age as her maybe a year older and they do have previous, I have asked for advice off people at work, which was ” if your misses has a best mate as a male and isn’t a queer I wouldn’t be keen on it” I didn’t dare mention my misses and her mate had a previous to them. All help appreciated

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CC December 20, 2014 at 3:50 am

Victoria, I don’t know if you’re still responding to comments, but I have a question. Is it every okay just to ask to see the phone? I have caught my bf sexting and lying about it TWICE in the past year and a half or so. I recently started getting a bad feeling about it again out of nowhere. I asked him about it, and he admitted to talking to someone he met through a mutual friend but said there was no sexual talk or flirting and they had never met up since the initial time they met. Then, he sent me a text that seemed to have been meant for someone else when he was slightly intoxicated. When I confronted him about it, he acted confused and told me I was angry for no reason. I do believe he is a good man and maybe I’m just being paranoid? I need to know for sure, and I feel like seeing his texts is the only way. Is it wrong to just flat out ask for a look? Thanks.

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Victoria Gigante December 31, 2014 at 7:16 am

CC,

Thank you for sharing your thoughts. Asking to see your partners phone is a far better approach than violating their trust and going behind their back. BUT – when you approach them, ensure that you OWN how you feel and what’s coming up for you. Avoid blaming them for anything and have an honest conversation. Make sense? If he gets defensive with you – well, then you have a decision to make. Check this post out: http://www.victoriagigante.com/how-do-i-overcome-insecurity-in-my-relationship/

Peace & Love,
Victoria

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Joe December 24, 2014 at 4:40 pm

Well where do I begin I started dating this girl about three months ago And about September book to her the first month doesn’t count. I guess I know why the first month didn’t count to her because she was still sleeping with her ex and couldn’t decide to keep him or go with me which I later found out in this relationship she told me one night after a fight that she left him for me.this relationship is just been turmoil no communication I’m always getting bitched at always in the insecurity that I have somebody else around but I’m helping besides her I just feel this is only what a money thing. When she first started calling she had quit where she was working but I won’t elaborate where will she worked in a massage Paula that’s where I met heri’m not sure if this whole thing I’m being used or she’s emotionally immature or it’s me but I feel I cannot trust her for anything.for one you tell me if this is a normal relationship where on the type of person I communicate I like to talk to my other half during the day even if it’s not all the time but at least to let them know hey I’m doing this I’ll be here I’m doing that not I’ll call you in 15 minutes and then I don’t hear from them for six hours.basically our argument tonight was this morning she was like hey talking to me and then Tony give me 15 minutes I’ll call you back or actually she try calling me and texting me I didn’t answer cause I was busy at work and then I try calling her back and texting her and she said to me give me 15 minutes I’m in the middle of something three hours later I texted her and said 15 minutes great.i’m not trying to be up to her you know what but I’m just a consistent person if you’re going to tell me you’re going to do something fine do it this is the early stages of a relationship down the road if that happens I’m pretty sure whatever it’s not a big deal. Sometimes we used to fight so bad and she would tell me I was cold and it kept asking me ifI was fully into the relationship and if not be honest with her if she if I wanted to see other people let her know if there’s another girl around I feel there’s another girl around she kept saying basically point-blank my gut was in turmoil for a while I swear to you I would love to know if it was her projecting what she was doing on to me or maybe it’s me maybe I wasn’t into it forward but how can that be if a literally I’m in bed business shit right now because of two vacations we went onand all the help I gave her. My biggest mistake in the beginning when she first started calling me and giving me the time of day she said she quit her job needed help and I asked her feeling her out what she needed she told me and basically said to me that she would go for companionship well now that I’m talking about this what an a hole I am.Jesus Christ want to do confront her about the stuff she gets mad gets angry not so much that this gets upset Croisan asked me how can even think of some more thought about it oh my Lord my retarded what the Hells wrong with me.it is now Christmas Eve this morning I had to pour some concrete for a job to get some money last night, got into a little argument but since I can’t talk to her over the phone? Wasn’t to me I Texter I don’t know what essays and told her instead of telling me that you’re going to call me in 15 minutes and then I find out you want to go do some bartending in doing some school work at 2:30 in the morning I find this out why could you nothave told me this earlier.there’s a lot more in the lines of that and some other stuff but I don’t want to get into it and honestly I don’t know if it’s me and my insecurities and trust or if my way over relationship is right if I’m being too much I have no idea but I tell you something right now talk about a knife in the gut but she said she used to have the same thing with me too so is it both of us should too insecure but my crazy what the hell

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Michelle December 29, 2014 at 3:07 pm

At the beginning of my relationship I had told my boyfriend that I dont approve of him watching porn and he said that he does not. Over the months, I have discussed with him, my strong feelings in this regard and he has said that he believes in the same ideology. However, once I found links on his web browser of porn sites and I asked him about it and I got vague reasons. This happened twice thrice. Still, i believed what he said and discussed my feelings in this respect that I would feel bad if he watched. However, after 2.5 years, I find proper reasons on his youtube history and I confront him. He denies and later admits that he was lying to me all along. Don’t you think that I had followed your advice of having talked to him in the beginning of our relationship and later he confessed having lied only when I gave him strong proof? Its difficult for me to trust him or not doubt him now every single day. Your thoughts?

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Victoria Gigante December 31, 2014 at 7:25 am

Michelle,

Yes, you did follow my advice and spoke to him – however, clearly you still did not trust him – which is what led you to check his browser history. Your gut has been telling you that something isn’t adding up – and you were correct. He hasn’t been honest with you about his porn watching.

At this point, it isn’t about whether or not your partner watches porn. This is about trust. Why didn’t he feel like he could tell you about his desire to watch porn? Was he afraid you’d leave him? And now that you know he’s been deceiving you, where does that leave you?

This is why it’s critical for people to completely OWN who they are when they enter a relationship. Deceiving others out of fear (i.e. fear of being alone) never leads to anything good.

It sounds like you and your boyfriend need to sit down and sort through all of this as a couple.

Sending you peace & calm,

Victoria

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Marcus January 2, 2015 at 4:20 am

My girlfriend and I have broken up and got back together several times over the last five years. The main reason for my ending it and leaving the relationship each time is jealousy/trust. She has some serious jealousy/trust issues. It got to the point where I would look at the floor all the time rather than risk her freaking out about someone I didn’t look at. Looking at the floor didn’t work. I had to be careful tipping in a restaurant in case I tipped too much to a waitress. She even became incredibly paranoid that something was going on between me and a cashier in our local food shop. I have severed all ties with female friends and do not go out any more; even with a male work colleague for a beer.

I’m currently living with her again. Giving it another go. Trying hard to do everything right. Yet… when we were not together for a few months last year she reestablished friendship with a guy who she knew from a long time ago. Just friends supposedly but he is definitely interested in her romantically if she gave him the opportunity. When we got back together she told me that nothing had happened but I felt incredibly jealous and uncomfortable because he was sending postcards saying how much he missed her. I felt that something more than friendship had gone on. Even if just the start of “dating” and growing feelings of romance for each other.

I didn’t feel she was being honest with me. In fact at one point she said that she felt bad because she had thought it would be better to start a new relationship to get over me when we not together. So… that kind of confirmed that it was not just friendship. Or at least, that it was something she would consider leading to something more than friendship like I mentioned.

In the months following our getting back together (it’s been around 7 months), he has been texting her phone often and sending these postcards. We had a chat about it a couple weeks ago where I told her that I feel really uncomfortable with their contact but I have no right to tell her what to do. I asked how she would feel if the roles were reversed and she said she would not be able to accept it. That I would need to stop contact. She then said that she would reduce contact as it was somehow better than giving him hope by communicating frequently.

Over Christmas I became increasingly paranoid as she kept going to the toilet for long periods of time with her phone. Something she hadn’t done before. Note: If I go to the toilet a few times she starts asking me what I’m up to!

Anyway… it just go too much. I couldn’t handle it. I gave in. I looked at her phone. And I regret it. There were no sexy messages, all fairly innocent. But… when I checked he had asked about meeting her and she was arranging times. I didn’t say anything. Even when she suddenly turned around and said something like “i feel like i need a couple of hours for me so i’m going to go shopping”. So she went and met him.

I tried not to say anything. I felt betrayed and deceived. Even if it was just for an innocent coffee. This was on the 30th Dec. I should have held my mouth. But when she got jealous with me over nothing on the 31st and went into a huff, I exploded and told her I had looked at her phone and knew she had deceived and betrayed me. I ruined New Years eve. 🙁

I can say one thing for sure. Checking on your partners phone, even if you find something, does not lead to any kind of success. Only to failure and heartache. If you find something, you have violated someones privacy and they can turn everything around on you and claim how controlling you are and justify whatever they are doing. If you don’t find anything, you are controlling your partner, you are hurting yourself because you will probably increase your feeling of paranoia and distrust.

What am I going to do now? I don’t know. I love her. Maybe he is just a friend and I need to accept her jealousy and let her do whatever she wants and trust her. Either way I am the bad guy. The bad guy for leaving her in the past (constantly reminded of my leaving but criticised if i justify why), the bad guy for spying on her phone, the bad guy for getting angry and shouting because of betrayal.

My advice: don’t go checking up on someone. It will just bring pain.

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Charlotte January 8, 2015 at 12:08 pm

Iv been with someone for 10 months. Prior to this he lived away and I was messaging him everyday prior to him moving home. It was great we had so much in common and as soon as he moved back we started dating. My friends told me he’s such a nice guy and then others said he’s cheated in the past and to not trust him. He also admitted to cheating. He also admitted his ex gf never trusted him which is why they didn’t last.

Everything was great we’d see each other a lot. We’ve been on 3 holidays met each other’s family. However he was always so bad at admitting his feelings. He told me once he was really happy with me, but that’s it. We had an a normal argument about 6 months in where he didn’t get why what he did effected me so much. I said how I didn’t want to mess around and I’m serious about us both and he got quite scared and thought we were in different places. I said that were not. And that he can do what ever he likes but I’m his gf so he needs to understand that what he does, DOES effect me.

That argument ended and we went back to being ourselves. He would go out with his girl mates from work and come home still texting one of them saying how nice it is to see them. I know my ex is not intentionally horrible, but he didn’t quite get why it upset me that he was texting a girl I didn’t know. I went mardy for a few hours he told me he loved me. And that was fine.

Until I went away for a night with my uni mates which included meeting the lads and girls. He knew the girls but he didn’t know any of my lad mates. Iv not seen them for years. He was invited but he couldn’t come. I would text him through out the night and tell him I’m home safe and all was fine.

He went up to see his old mates from uni and told me he forgot his charger , so his phone was going to be turned off whilst he was up there and that he would text me the next day. I said it was fine. However I go on Facebook that night to notice that he had been on his Facebook. I thought it was just me being parronoid and to ignore it. And that if he didn’t fancy texting me then that’s okay. Seen him the day after and he left his phone. It was a 5 sec thought from the doubt he had given me to just check his messages. From the arguments of ‘were in different places’ I’d always felt it was me trying to make it work. I did tell him this once and he made me feel better and told me how much he loved me.
But anyway, I checked his messages, he had been sex messaging another girl, met up with her for a drink whilst he was away that day. No idea to whether he slept with her. But he ended the messages to her with ‘so good to see you again, have a great time whilst you are away’ and I do believe he didn’t sleep with her, as I think those messages would have ended slightly different. He also said he didn’t sleep with her. This woman had been his friend for years and she has now moved to Australia. Which I guess is why he went to see her. To say bye.

End of the day I feel bad for going through his phone, however I did find something. And when we argued he said ‘the trust is gone and their nothing I can do to get it back. I’m so sorry and so regretful. But you must have never trusted me so after this it’ll never work..’

I know he is sorry. But that doesn’t make the hurt any better. I loved him and he’s the first guy I actually wanted to settle with. He probably isn’t ready for all that. But we havnt spoke since and I guess all we are to do now is to move on.

So it is very hard to read ‘don’t go through your partners phone’ when actually .. They might be cheating.

However if people do decide to snoop and they over react .. Then yes that is their problem.

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Chris January 10, 2015 at 9:27 am

So, I’m in this situation currently with my girlfriend of a year and a half. She’s been talking to her ex and telling him she loves him, and that she always will. Also, she acted upset at the fact he wants to “move on without her”. She’s cheated on me with him a few times that I found out about earlier last year, but I forgave her and asked her to please just put him out of her life, she promised she would, but she hasn’t. She tells me the reason is because of our lack of intimacy, but when I get the feeling everything is getting back to normal, it seems as if I get wind of her taking to him again. She just recently sent a text to me that she meant to send to someone else telling that person she had just talked to him. She used a term of endearment in it and it’s something I’ve heard her say she called him when they were together. So, am I the one in the wrong here? She tells me this is all my fault because I have no attraction to someone that can’t respect me enough to stop talking to someone that has caused problems in our relationship. What do I do?

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Victoria Gigante February 23, 2015 at 11:17 am

Chris,

Are you still in a relationship with this woman? I’m curious why this situation is acceptable to you? It’s not about who’s right or wrong here. I’m curious why you want to be with someone that clearly has interests elsewhere. She will never see your worth if YOU don’t see your worth.

You don’t need me to tell you what to do.

Sending Peace & Clarity,
Victoria

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Sally January 19, 2015 at 8:23 pm

My boyfriend lives with someone but checks my cell phone and email. I do not check his phone or email because I think it is personal and private. He is a parasite living off someone else. He is an alcoholic, has no credit, no bank account or job. I am in love with this pathetic deadbeat loser. Hopefully I can ditch him this year.

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Victoria Gigante February 22, 2015 at 8:49 pm

Well clearly you already know what needs to happen, Sally. Where do you stand now with this relationship?

Peace & Clarity,
Victoria

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F February 6, 2015 at 2:48 pm

Hello Miss Gigante,
I’ve read most of your comments and I see you can give great advice. Im in a situation related to what your post is talking about. Basically, my girl wanted to check my messages, which was ok for me at first. I had this conversation with a female friend (that lives abroad), I knew her for a while and my girl was aware of me talking to her. Let me get to the point…she was reading these messages and started asking weird questions. I got the feeling that she is very distrustful and so after a while I said give me back my phone. When she refused I told her again and after the second time I took away my phone from her. At that point (and I honestly didn’t expect anything else) she got angry and even more distrustful and stopped talking to me. We were on a train journey that time and so she didn’t say a word and ignored me. We had this before, when we argue she makes me feel its my fault, I always admit my faults and apologize, but I have never gotten an apology from her. She likes twisting things and make it seem as if it’s my fault. Every time it doesn’t go the way she wants, she threatens to end it etc. and when it does go her way, everything seems fine. I’m also happy with her most of the times and I truly love her. She’s my first true love and first real girlfriend. And so am I to her. I treat her with respect and I do everything possible to make her feel good. I am honest and I’m always there for her. I always go the extra mile for her. I don’t know what else to do. I used to always apologize and make sure theres peace because I hate arguments and I want to avoid them by any cost. But now I thought I should stand up for once and tell her how I feel. But she doesn’t take me serious. She doesn’t even respond to what I say but just continues to accuse me or tell her side of the story. I feel like she wants to control me and the relationship. I understand I’m not perfect and there are things I should change. But she seems not to see her own flaws. When I tell her she either ignores it, claims I do it too or she agrees but she doesn’t change it. I could write much more but I think that’s enough to give you a picture of my situation. Thanks in advance for the advice! F

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Victoria Gigante February 23, 2015 at 11:24 am

Hi F,

Thank you for sharing a bit about your story. From what you’ve written, it’s clear that there is a lot of insecurity in this relationship. Whenever two people enter a relationship and feel insecure, things like this happen.

You write this: “I feel like she wants to control me and the relationship.” Trust your intuition. If it feels like that, it’s most likely out of fear – fear of losing you, fear of not being good enough, fear of being alone, etc.

The thing to remember is that YOU staying in this situation is based on your own set of fears (which are most likely very similar to her fears): the fear of losing her, the fear of not being good enough, the fear of being alone, etc.

From what you’ve written, there’s been no real breach of trust (i.e. no cheating). Address the insecurity. What would you do if you weren’t AFRAID?

Sending Peace & Clarity,
Victoria

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Abhinab February 14, 2015 at 2:41 am

How can i trust when i came to know that something wrong is really happening like romantic chats. But how to convey to her that i saw ur phone and somehow unlocked and came to know. This fact reduce the guts to convey the thing in positive manner

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Victoria Gigante February 23, 2015 at 11:27 am

Thank you for sharing. The issue is that you already knew there were trust issues even BEFORE you checked her phone. When you found romantic chats in her phone, you just confirmed what you already felt.

The question is this: What can you do to improve your trust and communication in this relationship, and is this even a situation YOU want to be in any more?

Sending Peace & Clarity,
Victoria

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Theo February 22, 2015 at 4:26 pm

Interesting post.
I went into a relationship 5years ago with a woman who I thought wascmy dream match total soulmate. Both of us were seperated and come with baggage. But boy she came with cargo plane full of baggage and lies. I knew this woman for years before but I would put my head on the line she was not a cheater nor did I know about tje amount of affairs and random hook ups she had.
Once we got together within a year it all began..her phone went with her while she was in the toilet,garden, bathroom,. Every where.
She was pretending to look at her facbook account in bed but was secretly reading msgs from randoms.
We broke up over this got back together and kept this cycle for five years.
The most cunning individual I ever met.
Kept coming back when she was in trouble and my heart used to feel sorry for her. In all this madness and alot of research I realized she was like this to begin with. A serial cheater that concealed her actions well. And when I used to get a gut feeling she was up to no good I was right. I caught her lying over and over again and she bluntly tried to make me think I had the issue.
Her phone was her secret life it hid alot of info in there. And yes if you get that gut feeling follow up on it with every mean you have..no one should be played or have their heart or dignity stood on.

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Victoria Gigante February 23, 2015 at 11:40 am

Theo,

Thank you for sharing your story. It sounds like you learned a very powerful lesson – one that I’m sure has truly had an impact on you in many ways. A 5 year relationship sounds long, but as I’m sure you’ve realized it’s not that long in the grand scheme of things. I hope you’ve been able to apply the wisdom you gained from this experience to other situations in your life. If this ever occurs again, it won’t take you 5 years to realize. The more you practice honoring your intuition, the quicker you’re able to honor it when your internal radar goes off.

Peace & Calm,
Victoria

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Cassie February 23, 2015 at 8:08 am

Hi Victoria my name is Cassie and well I have never been jealous before not in any relationship just not me I guess. However in my current relationship I am dating a female who is 6 years younger than me and always on her phone this was never an issue till she started calling her ex girlfriend her best friend I would wake up and they would be on the phon she was talking to her all day everyday! Well she had a dream about herself her ex and I and she told me she had the dream but would not tel me what happened in the dream. So I shrugged it off but then a few days later (i work nights by the way) I was sleeping and her voice woke me up so I text her phone asking her to keep it down and I tried to go back to sleep then I over heard her telling her ex about the dream she had it involved the three of us having sex! all I could do is ask myself why she didn’t tell me why she told her ex who still wants to be with her? This obviously caused a fight so I expressed how I felt about her and her ex being friends hoping she would calm down the texting and talking all the time. Did not happen then I came home from work one day and I had a horrible feeling so yes I checked her phone and she sent her ex a message saying she was drinking so she apologized for any inappropriate messages she may send. I have not gone through her phone since and I told her that I could not be with her as long as she was friends with the ex she was not happy but she has blocked that person and no longer talks to them. She has another person who she points out likes her and again is starting to talk to them all the time and even brings them to the house when I’m at work so I asked her to show me what they talk about show me I have nothing to worry about. Am I wrong to ask this? I know my issues don’t seem so big but I don’t know how to deal with the jealousness I have never felt before so what can I do to help myself?

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Victoria Gigante February 23, 2015 at 12:49 pm

Hi Cassie,

The question isn’t “Am I wrong to ask this?” Wrong question, Cassie. The question to ask yourself is this: “I’ve communicated how I feel and my partner continues to do things that concern me. Do I really trust this person and if I wasn’t afraid, would I still be with her?”

These are all games. Re-read what you wrote to me. If a friend came to you with this many concerns about their partner, what would you tell them to do?

Sending Peace & Clarity,
Victoria

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Bcj February 26, 2015 at 9:17 am

Hello Victoria,

My fiancé and I have been engaged for a while. Note: We live in separate states. We are having conflict for several months now. We have had several counseling sessions; however, we continue to have conflict in the form of arguments every other week. I do admit that I have some insecurity, but who does not… However, I am working on how my insecurities cause me to behave. I am a strong believer that when there are subjective thoughts or when “gut feelings” occur, then one must follow up to gain facts. I now am more aware that it’s best to ask her to allow me to view what’s in her phone, however, a couple of months ago, I looked through her cell phone and found that men from her past contact her as well as a married man at her church flirts with her via text (Note: This occurs during church and she texts him back. She says they are just playing with each other. And he does it with many women at her church.) With these facts, I have confronted and asked that we come to an understanding of boundaries in our relationship. She did provide any ideas on what the boundaries should be, it’s basically me telling her not to allow men whether single or married go too far with flirting, quickly and firmly state to “pursuing” men that are flirting with her that she is in a relationship and that he is going too far. She seems not to fully agree with the understanding of boundaries, as I have also stated that it applies to the both of us. And she states that she cannot control other men from flirting with her and she cannot control other men from texting and calling her. I in-turn, have tried to lead by example, simply to show her that I have completely closed the door from my past, by changing my cell phone number (In which no one from my past was contacting me). However, she has not reciprocated on her own. Therefore, after about a month, I told her that it’s a concern to me that men are calling and texting her and I would like for her to address my concern. Often, she reverses the issue at hand back to me and provides disclaimers that seem like excuses. I told her that she can control other men from her past from contacting her by changing her number. I believe that if we have new phone numbers then the only people that can contact us are people that we want to contact us. And there is reassurance that unwanted calls from pursing men will not occur, which is one less battle. She says she will change her phone number after we’re married… I have assumptions of why she will not change her number, but am unsure how to handle this issue. I don’t want to go into a marriage where my current and potential future concerns are not being addressed and I have thoughts that she thinks it’s okay for “pursuing men” to call and text her. Are these deal breakers for marriage? What do you suggest that I do about it?

Bcj

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Victoria Gigante February 28, 2015 at 7:11 pm

Bcj,

Thank you for sharing. You asking her to change her phone number is simply a band-aid to the issue. It’s addressing the symptom but not the problem. Even if she cuts off all the men that are currently texting and calling her, there will always be other men. Even if she changes her number, this will happen again. Why? Well, because the issue is deeper than the current people contacting her. Your insecurities are real, and are most likely based in some intuitive feeling that you’re getting about her seeking satisfaction (whether it be emotional, sexual, or whatever) elsewhere.

So that’s what the concern is. But by repeatedly asking her to cut people off, and by asking to look through her phone, unfortunately it only makes YOU seem controlling. Which I know isn’t what you’re trying to be – but that’s how it appears.

You must address the root cause of the problem: Why does she need external validation from other men? Is she happy with you? Are YOU happy with her? How can you work on both feeling fulfilled with each other?

You ask: “Are these deal breakers for marriage?” That’s for you to decide. Just remember that you can’t force her to change. By EXPECTING her to magically change her behavior the day you get married (i.e. change her phone number) you’re actually be unloving and placing a lot of pressure on the relationship. Either accept her as she is now and be OK with whatever’s ACTUALLY happening (as opposed to what you HOPE will happen) – or move on.

Sending you peace & clarity,
Victoria

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Daniel March 2, 2015 at 7:41 am

Victoria ,
“Need some help with this. My girlfriend has a child with her Ex they talk daily and she has been most upfront with my about the whole situation. Still though I feel uneasy with it. I expressed my concerns with her yet she still just reassures me that its nothing there except a friendship. My concerns are though he still trys to be a part of her life as in a boyfriend role with her. (nothing sexual) but as I am always here as a friend kinda thing.
It makes me uneasy about the situation. Are my feelings just? Or am I just being overally jealous? Also to I have yet to bring my concerns about this but I found out too she lied to me about a upcoming event that she told me she was going to. She told me that she was going with a friend (not her ex) and I found out he (the Ex) is actually the one that she is going with. I am not sure how to address this situation cause I found this out by reading their text messages. I know feel like i did something wrong by reading them but we both use each others phones all the time (we know each others lock codes so she knows I can read her messages) But I think she felt as i wouldn’t read her messages which I did. So I know she is going with him but she straight out lied to me about it. Again confused on how I should address this.
Thanks sorry for rambling appreciate any advice you could give.”

Sent this couple months back
Update

I confronted her about the Lie and we talked it out. Told her how I felt about the situation and how I was uneasy with him talking to him so much. She reassured me that nothing was there and I had nothing to worry about. Since I have refrained from going through her phone to basically check and see if she has lied to me about him and the things they talk about. ( Which I feel should should be only conversation regarding their child ) But I know she still does her phone will go off and I see is name in the notification area often throughout the day. She doesn’t try to hide it from me and still tells me I have nothing to worry about. But I don’t know how to get it acrossed and don’t want to seem controlling, That I don’t like her talking to him so much.

Any Input would be highly appreciated.

Thanks Daniel

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Victoria Gigante March 5, 2015 at 2:43 pm

Daniel,

Thank you for the update. If you’ve expressed your concerns and she still continues the behavior – you have a decision to make: Either accept the situation as it is or move on. You cannot change her. She has to WANT to change. If you try to force her to do something she doesn’t want to do, this will only lead to resentment and potentially even her going behind your back to talk to him.

Express how you feel and remember: It isn’t about this one guy. This is about your insecurity in the relationship. If she values your partnership, she will find ways to work through this with you to help ease some of what you’re feeling. YOUR work is addressing where the insecurity is coming from.

Sending Peace & Clarity,
Victoria

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chad March 13, 2015 at 3:49 am

So I went Thur my gf phone and found out she msged two guys one her exbf and a guy she so calls a good friend.BT she gave her number to her guy friend. I ask if she gave her number out and she lied to me.wat do I do

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Victoria Gigante March 15, 2015 at 5:35 am

Chad,

Re-read my article – then read my article on insecurities. This is about trust and addressing your insecurities. It sounds like you need to have a conversation with her about these topics.

Sending Peace & Clarity,
Victoria

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amanda March 21, 2015 at 7:28 am

Hi Victoria
I met my boyfriend last year in April and we had an instant connection. Unfortunately he lived in London and I lived in Johannesburg South Africa. We kept in touch after spending a few day together and after 3 months I flew up to visit for 2 weeks. The 2 weeks was great and we decided to get into a relationship. The relationship was entirely long distance until my success at work resulted in an opportunity to relocate to London.

This was a wonderful chance for the relationship to flourish. After 9 months of a difficult and turbulent long distance relationship I have now been in London for 5 days.

The reunion has been a but strange and fell short of my expectations. To be honest I just felt like he was not “all there” particularly when it came to the sexual aspect. It made me insecure and suspicious and I felt myself even linking it to long periods of silence and no communication when we were apart.

I did raise this and asked if he was in love with someone else or if he wasn’t so into us anymore as I could not understand it and it was affecting me and worrying me. He dismissed me and just said this happens sometimes and I was thinking crazy thoughts.

Last night my concern,doubts and worries bubbled to the surface.
It was horrible. We were at a pub with a friend and we were looking stuff up travel info on his phone as mine was dead. As I did this, a message come up with an image and odd statement and I guess I’ve been feeling some kind of way (something off) & i felt i had to open it. so I opened up the message.
The lady had sent a naked pic to show how her abs were progressing. The conversion preceding this seemed more than friendly with reference to “babes” & “I miss you”. He later claimed that it’s just a friend and he gives her gym advice.

Anyway, he reacted badly to my looking in his phone – in a physical way. Such that 3rd parties had to intervene.
He was pulling me and pushing me out when I wanted to go back in (he had said we should go outside). He was saying I’m not letting you back in until you give me my phone then I explain.
I said no, explain then ill give you your phone. I went back into the bar as another gentlemen went and went downstairs to the ladies & he came after me…pulling on my jacket such that I almost fell on the gentleman in front of me I went into ladies cubicle and he followed me in scuffling and holding me then these guys came and pulled him off and out of there. It was so horrible. At a loss as to how it all escalated so much.
I cleaned up and headed back to apartment and he was there ( I had given him my apartment spare key

The discuss was why did he take it to that physical level. He said it was his property and I disrespected him. And he wanted to explain it himself not have me look and draw conclusions. That I had no right to look at his phone no matter what.
I said I agree with him ” in principle” and that is his property and looking at his message was not right. But now that I have and I saw some dodgy stuff why would he act like that instead of just explaining if it was nothing. And yes he was angry and mad but why would he take it to that physical level.

He apologised for that and said nothing happened of is happening with the lady. I feel lost.

I just don’t know where to from here

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Victoria Gigante April 14, 2015 at 9:02 am

Amanda,

Thank you for sharing your story. I’m curious how things have progressed?

This situation is pretty cut and dry (on the surface): Why is there any question about how to handle this? He put his hands on you. This is unacceptable. A HUGE red flag.

End. Of. Story.

However, as someone that’s been in an abusive relationship before – I know it’s never that easy. So if you still find yourself in this situation, please seek out support and help to move forward. At first, the questions about whether or not he was cheating on you and speaking with other women made sense – but now, they are the wrong questions to be asking yourself. They’ve become irrelevant now that you see how he handles any type of adversity.

Take a step back, re-read what you’ve written, and ask yourself what you’d tell a friend to do in this situation.

You don’t need to be in a relationship to feel happy, safe, and loved. But if you’re in a relationship – I’d hope you want these things to exist. In this situation – do they? It doesn’t sound like it.

Sending you peace & strength,
Victoria

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Clay March 24, 2015 at 12:16 pm

I have found myself with the inability to stop snooping. There has never been any physical contact with anyone on the outside, but there has been admitted inappropriate discussions via facebook and other mediums.

I don’t believe anything is going on, but I have found little snippets here and there that give just enough of a push to that little voice in my head. Problem is, if I get caught, I’m afraid the marriage is over. Yet, I can’t stop. What a mess.

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Victoria Gigante April 14, 2015 at 9:05 am

Hi Clay,

Thank you for being so honest and open about your situation. I know this can’t be easy. How have things progressed?

Understand that your feelings are ok. They’re just telling you something, so listen up. What is it in your marriage that needs a closer look? Also, get clear about whether or not you want your marriage to continue and WHY. Clarity does wonders in these situations.

Sending you peace & clarity,
Victoria

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Dan March 28, 2015 at 5:40 am

I noticed a major shift in her behavior. We had problems in our relationship before this but know it feels different. She on her phone all day. I talked to her about she ignored me. She put a password on her phone changed her Facebook password and every time I go near her she changes to a different screen. She tells me that its because talks to her girlfriends about your relationships and stuff l…she had friends before and she didn’t do any of those things. When I was talking to my friend and I she confronted me about I stopped she said that I’m married man and I have family but according to her its different because my friend was girl.Am I wrong what should I do. I want to talk about it whit her but I want somebody elses opinion.

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Victoria Gigante April 14, 2015 at 9:07 am

Hi Dan,

Thank you for sharing your story. How has this situation progressed? Did you ever sit down and have a conversation about this?

Peace & Calm,
Victoria

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Brandon March 29, 2015 at 6:04 am

My girlfriend is having an online relationship . I know she haven’t met the guy and i can see that.what hurts me is that she calls him with the names she calls me by and me and that guy actually know each other. I know she loves me a lot and we’ve been together for a year and a half. I just wanna understand why she does that.Please help.

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Victoria Gigante April 14, 2015 at 9:09 am

Brandon,

Thank you for sharing a little bit about your story. Question: If this situation doesn’t feel acceptable or “right” to you – why are you staying? You can’t change her. If she finds behavior OK then you either have to be OK with it yourself or move on. Have you had a conversation with her about it?

Sending you peace & courage,
Victoria

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Pea May 5, 2015 at 2:22 pm

I have a gut feeling!!! My boyfriend of 14 years who I have always trusted, give me reason to snoop. He realized accidently left his phone at my place while driving him home early am. He said don’t worry about it I have a backup at home which I can activate in hour. Just bring me the phone tomorrow when you get back from your business trip. I got home early today to see a text from a female which was not a business contact…she was asking if they could meet up this week for drinks. This prompted me to unlock his phone and go through the text and emails. I found 4 women which he has been corresponding with for over 2 years . Some messages and talk sexier then others. I’m so upset!!! I don’t know what to do. I want to confront him but I’m sure he will say you had no right going through my phone. I’m 50 years old and he is the same age …I thought these kind of games were over …Please advise on how to handle

Thank You,
Pea

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Victoria Gigante May 10, 2015 at 6:42 pm

Hi Pea,

Thank you for sharing a bit about your story.

Age doesn’t matter – these games are HUMAN games – and occur regardless of age. That being said, did you decide to talk to him about this? Clearly, something needs to change. Read this article that I wrote: http://www.victoriagigante.com/how-do-i-overcome-insecurity-in-my-relationship/

I hope that provides you with some guidance.

Sending Peace & Calm,
Victoria

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John Doe June 19, 2015 at 8:18 am

I recently saw that my girlfriend had Yahoo messenger on her phone. I said to her that Yahoo messenger is only used for one thing, sexting. I suspected my girlfriend of receiving sexually toned text messages from a former sex partner. When I brought it up to her she told me he was gay and that he had more interest in me than her. I couldn’t help myself and checked their communications. He constantly makes sexual references to her body. Recently emailing her pictures of himself in a pink bra and panties. Her response was complimentary. One would think that she would tell him that that type of message is inappropriate considering she is in a loving relationship with me. I know it was totally wrong for me to check her phone, but my curiosity got the better of me. Your thoughts please.

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Victoria Gigante June 22, 2015 at 5:31 am

Hi John Doe,

Thank you for sharing a bit about your story. From what you’ve written, I definitely encourage you to explore this further by first doing some work on YOU.

Read this article I wrote about insecurity in your relationship:
http://www.victoriagigante.com/how-do-i-overcome-insecurity-in-my-relationship/

It outlines a process for you to approach your girlfriend from a grounded, rational place. What’s really going on inside of you? What are the fears? What are the concerns? How much do you trust your girlfriend? It sounds like something deeper is going on here. I understand how you feel about the inappropriate sexual references, but it doesn’t sound like your partner lied to you.

Dig deeper inside of YOU.

All the best,
Victoria

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charlie April 5, 2016 at 12:49 pm

(I hope this thread is still active!)
I’ll try and be brief.
Im in , what i would consider, my first serious relationship. We’re about 6 months in but due to a job, I had to move state (only 4 hours away) about 2 months ago.
So now, I’m in my first long-term relationship. Things were going incredibly well, despite the distance. we speak (text..) every day and I come to visit once every three weeks.
All was going well but just 2 wweeks ago my girlfriend said, casually, that she was meeting some guy for drinks on the Satruday night… I usually wouldn’t mind, I hate to be possessive of who she can and can’t see, but it was the context of this drink. it was with a guy she met on her last 2 days at her previous job (he was new, and she was just leaving). she insists she wants to meet and chat because shes just curious about why he has also decided to leave this place of work. in my mind, that is fair enough, it’s not ideal, but i do trust her.
But lately, my trust has wavered for different reasons. I’m currently in the same state as her now, visiting her. I enquired about the guy and she said yesterday she didnt’ meet him because she knew it would bother me… but it bugged me because i consider this person to be too random for there to be any reason to lie… and i checked her phone… the texts were fairly casual, but it was clear that she DID meet him last weekend. and she said something like ‘I can teach you how to play next time’, or something along those lines. I’m not overly paranoid, I’m pretty sure she’s talking about a game of billiards.
Anyways, this really is bugging me, and I brought up that i had a ‘gut-feeling’ that she’s lying about seeing him last week and i said i had a susupicious feeling . She then said that she ‘might/maybe’ see him some time in the future, but just for coffee. I tried to explain to her that I do trust her with other guys… but I hope she can trust me enough to tell me the truth. and she insists that she did NOT see him last week…. even though I know she did (from the text), but i can’t tell her what i know (by checking her phone). all i can say is that i don’t believe her etc…
We never fight, and we’re a good couple and we have a lot of potential. I genuinely believe there isn’t any funny business going on between them, although if i keep on bringing this up i worry that it may be a self-fulfilling prophecy…
Anyways, I feel i am left with 3 options, neither are ideal…
1-Tell her that I did check her phone and that I KNOW she is lying… and why she feels the need to lie to me about it…
2-tell her that i’m not comfortable with her meeting this guy again (although i said this last time and she clearly went anyways…
3-just forget it..not say anything more (because I’ve already vented how i feel about this

I would like to stress that I’m not so worried that she’s cheating, I’m pretty sure she has strong loyalities and values and I like her to make new friends. it is just the part about her lying and denying that she did meet him…which is obviously some cause for alarm.
I’m pretty sure she won’t admit to it without me mentioning the texts, because she’s already said numerous times today, that she didn’t…i imagine to not hurt my feelings.

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Victoria Gigante April 12, 2016 at 4:17 pm

Hi Charlie,

Thank you for your comment. I know these situations aren’t easy. The issue here is trust: You don’t trust this woman. Your gut told you she wasn’t being honest – and unfortunately, your gut was correct. So, where to go from here? Well, you’ve gut doesn’t seem to think that anything else has gone on behind your back (yet) – BUT, you do feel as though it’s heading that way.

At that point, it’s up to her whether she wants to adjust her behavior or not. You’ve already been honest with her about how you feel about this guy. If she decides to honor your feelings about it, GREAT. If not (which she already hasn’t), then you have to make a decision: Accept things as they are and make yourself vulnerable to getting hurt (which is what we do in relationships anyway) or walk away. You can’t change her and if you try to force her to change it WILL become a self-fulfilling prophecy for sure.

The questions to ask yourself before you decide how to proceed are this: Do you trust this woman? Can you trust her moving forward? What would happen if you decided to come clean and tell her you checked her phone? Perhaps that would be a more honest place to start rebuilding from. You can BOTH come clean.

These are just my initial thoughts. Of course I’m only basing this on the limited information I have from your comment and of course this would be a lot easier to discuss verbally.

All the best,

Victoria

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charlie April 12, 2016 at 5:37 pm

thank you for the advice. i probably should of mentioned that she’s french haha i think that makes a world of difference in terms of cultural differences etc. (with regards to her ‘friendships’…)

I have one last point, one thing i forgot to mention… amongst the texts, there was another that read as follows (close enough):
Him: hi my name is Andrew G*** incase you forgot.
Her: Hi Andrew, I’m sorry i should of mentioned to you when I gave you my number that i have a boyfriend. It would be unfair on you and him . (something along these lines).
Him: Ah okay, I despise cheating.

As far as ‘bad news’ goes, I considered this not that bad… despite the fact that she has given out her number to another! random person, possibly at a party/club . but again, its clear there’s no foul play here, just some more ambiguity.
I would love to hear your thoughts on this matter…

I am back home now, away from her, and have my tickets booked in two weeks to return.
I hate to say it, but I feel as though I HAVE to check her phone again when I go back…(i really don’t want to keep doing this, but to me it is like setting myself an ultimatum)… for closure more than anything else. . I know from an outside view, the response would be, ‘if you feel as though you need to check her phone, then its a bad relationship’…however, I feel as though I NEED to check to either confirm my doubts and be able to walk away with ‘evidence’, or (hopefully!) check and see that there is no funny business and I can finally relax…thoughts?

I hope this puts it a bit more into perspective and I really appreciate you’re advice, it helps 🙂 for better or worse.
(i have spoken verbally to a close female friend about this, and she was very unsure also… i understand there’s a bit of paranoia on my part, due to the long distance and the news so far… but also her …promiscuity which doesn’t help to ease my confidence in her. she really is a sweet girl though… if she is a liar/cheater/deceitful, then she is very good at hiding this side of her. perhaps too well..
(also, i enjoy reading your DAY CHALLENGE emails 🙂

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Victoria Gigante April 13, 2016 at 5:50 pm

Hi Charlie,

Thank you for providing a little more clarity – and I’m happy to hear that you enjoy the Daily Practice Prompts. They appear on my Facebook page as well as on Twitter and are there as a point of a reflection for you each day.

Regarding your situation, knowing she is French is definitely helpful. But it doesn’t change the fact that you are struggling to trust this woman. That really is the bottom line. Of course you want to check her phone again – YOU DON’T TRUST HER. Meaning, you will never 100% know the truth unless you see it with your own eyes. Why? Well, because when you ask her if she’s cheating on you or speaking to other men, you walk away still feeling unsure.

That’s your work, Charlie. Trust her or move on. If you can’t trust her, you’re building a relationship on a very rocky foundation that will eventually crumble. Checking her cell phone is usually where this starts – but before you know it you feel the need to check it again and again and again… and then it escalates. Either trust her or don’t. But please understand that by constantly checking her phone all you’re doing is breading MORE distrust in the relationship. Can SHE trust YOU? She has a right to privacy just like you have a right to want a committed relationship with someone that won’t lie and cheat.

So, communicate your needs. Ask for more transparency. Express that you’re having a difficult time trusting her (your issue not hers, but that you’d like her help working through it). Then see where things go.

You both have work to do in this situation. YOUR work is to focus on communicating – and to NOT give in a check her phone again. Be the man you want to be in a relationship (which I’m assuming is someone that DOESN’T snoop around their partner’s private life)…

If you’d like to process this more, I encourage you to submit a Coaching Form or send me an email at victoria@victoriagigante.com. I know we can do great work together. Either way, good luck and stay strong.

Victoria

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Clinton July 31, 2016 at 9:44 am

So advice needed.
Short version is, I am married but separated for over two years my girlfriend is married but in the final stage of divorce, we both have children aged 8 and 5 exactly the same, my question is this I have been with ………… For about 16 months now but I have serious trust issues with her. My gut says run a mile but my hart is torn. Let me explain, the first sign was a taxi driver she used as a regular he was friendly and gave her and her friends free trips also once gave her some cash to spend while they were out. Then out of the blue she would not answer any calls from him one night we were watching films he rang about six times she told me he was a creep and that’s why she would not answer I said I would answer and tell him to leave her alone this she disagreed to, I started feeling suspicious about this as it was not a normal reaction and the proceeded to snoop on her mobile, in a message to one of her friends she said that he had kissed her and that because she was drunk she just went with it, so I confronted her about it she said she did not know what I was talking about and I was a jelous bastard I then told her I would show her the message on her phone but she said she had already deleted all of her messages as a fresh start for us. In the same argument I confronted her about some messages from a fella on a different social media platform (remember I snooped her entire phone), she admitted that this person hit on her while she was on a girls night out (early July by the way ) however when I snooped it was late August early November and the messages were very sexual, she explained this away as a conversation they all had as a group on there night out in July when I asked her to show me the entire thread of messages so I could see it was based on there conversation from that night she had already deleted all of the messages. To add to my suspicion I must explain that she was married for 15 years and for the last 6 years of her marriage had 7 affairs while she was on holiday with her friends she also met me a week after leaving her husband and two days after sleeping with someone she met at a concert.i am so confused and feel like I have made a mistake snooping but my gut says she has cheated on me. PLEASE HELP WHAT DO I DO?

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Darlene August 1, 2016 at 3:32 am

HI,
I am checking my boyfriend’s phone
my reason is i feel that he is going to other country and i asked him he does not said truth. so I decided to check on my own.
i found out true, He is working on Visa and will going soon.
i felt hurt but i think maybe he afraid of reaction if he told me. I accepted it.
so i told him i have insecure feeling and i hope He can tell me truth.
and i care because he didnt discuss with me, but discuss with a friend of him

i understand that they have been friends for year and i am only dating for 11 months,
but we are so pure so deep maybe only me naive

then i found out so many “love ” inside his phone

he texted friends of him and said ” love you, miss you, big times, you sexy hot”

and i found out that he also have a girl name ” LOve ” in her named.
and texted her and called baby and will see her soon

i kept it on my own for 2 weeks,so suffer inside
because i try to asked and he never said truth

once he is on skype and i take a look at phone
i read there inside
he said to his friend who always texted her
my boyfriend said :” she is not the reason i would stay, she is my alcoholic addiction…as in loving someone i can rescue”

i am shaking and throw out
he asked me whats going on.
so i said i will talk to you
i told him everything that i see

and i said you have right to mad because i see your privacy
he asked me packed out
then he asked me stay

i am confuse what to do
and i stay cry
so he said i am worrying him and asked me stay
while i staying he said
why i dont enjoy everything?
maybe we should not hang together

he said i sleep over her bed and even he has not own space

he look like so mad and actually want me to go
but when i said i maybe have to let you go
he said :’ you always do thing extreme”

when found out the text about his “love ”
i left him and just write a letter that he deserve better woman

and i finally tell him that i left because i saw his text

i am now dont know what to do
left him
stay for 2 more weeks until he left?
of just be like this forever

he said he always has many girls.
i said i know , i am okay as long as you not responde

so….what should i do?

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C January 11, 2017 at 2:00 pm

Victoria and Everyone reading this page,

I don’t know where to start. I will say that I read your first 7 responses to inquiries that are posted above and you are spot. on. I stubbled across this page to find some resources/advice that might resonate with my friend who is going through a mentally torturous relationship that has been turning for the worst for some time now.

I bet some or most people would feel that your responses are indicative of an “ideal” situation within a relationship or an unrealistic one. Sadly, your responses merely reflect what healthy relationships should be about.

“It seems too good to be true,” some people ay be thinking, who are in an unhealthy or unstable relationships. It is not and it’s not anyone’s fault. True colors can take a while to become apparent sometimes. It just shows that these people suffering from real pain haven’t experienced a healthy relationship yet. It’s like that saying goes, “we only know what we know.” How are you expected to know something that you’ve never seen or experienced? Finding healthy and secure love is like a scavenger hunt. It is as if someone is saying “Now go out and find this thing; it might be shiny or dull; and can be all of the colors (and shades of gray), and you might not even see it. Good Luck!!” and sends you on your way. That seems like a tough scavenger hunt to complete, at least that is how finding true mutual love was for me.

Respect is a 2 way street and the question you should really be asking yourself is: If someone is treatment me or doing something in a way that A. causes my gut to warn me and B. is disrespectful or a way that I wouldn’t be handling it? If you answered yes, then it is a RED FLAG that something is not meshing and the relationship timeline is now expired. Spread the word: it is THAT simple; and if you say “no, it’s much more complicated than that,” then uncomplicated it and put yourself first or deal with it. I say this assuming that we all have already agreed on the life fact #101 that no one will change unless they truly want to change (and that means you can’t change them-duh! and actions/time are the only thing you can use as proof)
MOVING ON…

I was 4 years deep into a manipulative, unhealthy and unstable relationship, but couldn’t see it or only saw what I chose to see (wanting to see the best in others). For anyone writing in for advice on this page, you are very lucky to have a calm and unbiased opinion/advice of someone like Victoria. I don’t know Victoria, but man..do I wish I heard such simple yet brutally honest (and accurate) advice when I was in this relationship. If only I listened!! I would have saved 2 years of pain; however, I don’t regret it now only because it has lead me to my opportunities now: the Olympics, achieving my Masters, finding an amazing love but most importantly, FINDING MY WORTH and sticking to it!
Manipulation derives from many issues but a main one is insecurity. When two people aren’t equally secure, problems arise. I can related this to the insecure young men and women in high school that I crossed paths with (or in the work environment, sadly).
Think about it this way:
1. Does a truly happy and secure person have a need to either start rumors or withhold information (or love)? Nope.
2. Does a secure person need 3rd party confirmation to know their worth? Nope; they don’t need to hear it because they already know it to be true.
3. Who are the people that put others down/ make others doubt themselves (or feel insecure)/ start rumors/ withhold information? Um, people that are desperate for control or power because they don’t feel they have it in their own life. The people that don’t know their value and need external validation- they don’t know it themselves so they need to hear it to believe it or put others down to desperately try and feel it. It is so so sad and they clearly need to take responsibility for making themselves WHOLE! They are not secure enough to show vulnerability for fear of someone not truly accepting them but they’ve lost sight at the point; you don’t NEED anyones love but your own. Once you love yourself and realize you can give yourself everything you need then it doesn’t matter what others think of you. You are as open as a book, you can give love to others because your love tank is always filled by yourself. Picture your love tank is a whole pie (or circle): If you are missing a piece, you need to fill it yourself or else you become dependent on the thing/person that filled it (a job, a lover, a parent, etc) A relationship shouldn’t replace a section of your pie, it should be an ADDITION. Imagine what a lifestyle that would be! And we all deserve it, but we need to be honest with ourselves and realize what and how many sections are missing and how we can fill it ourselves. It’s human nature to want to take the path of least resistance- we were born to be efficient! But this isn’t the most effective way for love. Survival of the fittest is out! We are with someone for reproduction purposes only. We want to feel whole and loved emotionally and having someone else do it for us seems less painful and the easy route- but that easy route has led you here.

If you’re still reading and take away anything I’ve written so far, it is this:
This is simple. If you are asking for advice on this site (which I am sure you have already striped Google of all searches that sound like “how to know when your gf/bf is cheating?” or “what does it mean when your bf/gf does/says ___fill in the blank____) or “how does a (enter horoscope) man/woman show love?” then that is your first and BIGGEST clue that you are not receiving the treatment that you deserve or are in a relationship that just won’t be a happy one for the long term. It is not that the person you are with is a bad person but they are just not compatible with you at this time. period. It pains me to see others suffering and going over scenario’s in their head time and time again- this is called emotional suffering. If you don’t want it in your life, then let the person who is causing it go so you can find someone who is more compatible with you and agrees with your current values & aspirations.

It is sad to love and not receive love back. Someone is out there who will love you for you (even if you don’t believe me). And if you don’t then ask yourself, how many people have I given love a true shot with..honestly? And how far geographically have I traveled or explored in order to increase the likelihood of meeting a wonderful person? Perhaps it’s time to love yourself, discover and believe your value, and leave the relationship (whether 2 dates in or 12 years in) that isn’t adding value to your life anymore. Sometimes dating a certain person was right for you at one point, but we grow in our own ways and perhaps they just aren’t right for you anymore. Next next Chapter is just dying waiting for you to come along. Don’t postpone yourself from growing and learning just because you are afraid of starting over or for fear of failure.

Until you learn there is no such thing as failure, then you will be stuck in a cycle that repeats over and over and you won’t be able to reach your full potential in this lifetime. Don’t hold yourself back. Love and Acceptance are the 2 hardest lessons to learn. Best of Luck everybody!

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Mary February 18, 2017 at 4:41 pm

I noticed that my husband was behaving differently and I had asked him if anything was going on or bothering him. He said, “No.” Then, he was still behaving differently, so I went through his e-mail and found that he had signed up for a site called affairshookup. I did not notice any e-mails that he actually was with someone, but there was still the fact that I looked through his phone. Then, he caught me and was very angry and said that someone has hacked into his stuff. Even though I saw those e-mails, I still apologized for looking through his phone. Now I feel worse. I want to build trust in our relationship, but now I have those e-mails swarming in my head and guilt for looking in the phone.

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gutlorm February 24, 2017 at 10:43 pm

i think my girlfriend is texting someone else she changed her phone to not show the text message from the locked screen. when she is texting someone i know about she doesn’t hide the screen but then when she texts the new person she slightly turns it away so i cant see. i want to ask her who is but i guess im afraid of the answer

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Rob February 26, 2017 at 1:26 am

I came here bec i felt the need to look thru my girlfriends phone i felt that after mnths of hearing about her anxiety depression overthinking that it was time to look bec i dont see her she leaves and doesnt come back at all for a day so i feel shes cheating and i felt wrong trying to look but on other hand its like it might have the answers so i dont knw we live together and idk how to tell if shes cheating or not

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Ellen March 2, 2017 at 2:21 pm

I am guilty of being jealous and insecure. i Snooped in his phone… only after he called me by a different name. Rightfully so he was being vague and not a hundred percent honest though we’re not in a true relationship I felt hurt. Last time it was my bf and he was seeking behind my back seeing his ex. I moved out in the middle of the night at 1:30 a.m. swearing I would never go through this again… yet here I am. He feels that our trust is broken because I went in his phone although he would have never been completely honest with me otherwise. .. any suggestions

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Victoria Gigante March 30, 2017 at 8:13 am

Hi Ellen,

My apologies in the delay. If you are still with this man, my suggestion is this: Focus on you and not him. Work on uncovering why you’d want to be with someone that you can’t trust – why you keep going back to this man. You walked away once swearing you’d never go back: What happened? Start there.

Victoria

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Leroy D. May 8, 2017 at 3:24 am

Hello Victoria,

Don’t know of this thread is still relevant but i stumbled upon this whole searching for help with my problem.

My girlfriend if 4 years had come home from a tattoo appointment saying that our tattoo artist made some very sexual and rude comments, my gut told me something was wrong, so i called him since he “was” a friend on ours. He explained it was a misunderstanding and that it was taken out context, this was December. We decide that we would never speak to him again. She claimed that she didn’t cheat on me and she did nothing wrong. So now in February I’m paying up my phone bill online and I see his phone number on the bill, and i see it alot, I start scrolling and I see it in February, over and over and over, and in January too and the day after she told me she would never talk to him again. I confront her and its a big fight, I kick her out, and find out its been a very emotional relationship theyve had “he has a girlfriend” nothing sexual between them. After i kicked her out for a few days she promises to change and love me more and never talk to him again, I believe her and take her back, but i tell her I need to be able to go through her phone. And she agreed no problem, March and April this was ok.

Now for the first week in May, she refuses to charge her phone at night and sleeps on it. I’ve found her lying to me a few times about other things like purchasing marijuana “she swore she quit” and she now claims that shes taking a stand and that me looking through her phone is controling and she wont take it. This only started after i confronted her about a lie and caught her in it. She leaves her phone laying around sometimes and let’s me go through it sometimes, but refuses at night, I feel like she’s hiding sometjing.

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Victoria Gigante May 16, 2017 at 8:08 am

Hi Leroy,

Thank you for sharing. Ask yourself these questions: Do you trust this woman? What value do you gain from staying with her? Are you afraid to be alone? The way we do small things is the way we do big things: If she’s still lying to you about “small” things (i.e. marijuana – although, that’s not very small…), then she’s showing you that she doesn’t have a difficult time lying to you about other things either. It’s the same behavior and she knows how to justify her actions to her Self. After you kicked her out, she came back and promised to change and love you more. Is this the kind of love you want in your life? What is your intention with this woman? Can you see a future with someone that lies to you?

What are you afraid of Leroy? It can be difficult to accept the truth of a situation, but the sooner we come to terms with reality, the sooner we can let it go and move on.

Please understand that I’ve only heard one side to this story, and I’ve based my response on the information you’ve provided.
Victoria

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Harnish May 31, 2017 at 5:37 pm

Hi Victoria, I am just going to condense everything into as little as possible because it’s a lot.

I was dating a girl and everything was going great. We never fought or had many differences and she was very open and honest with me and never gave me a reason not to trust her. She would tell me and show me the messages of where her ex of 4 years would message her and never tried to hide it. Well we just got to 3 months and she just broke up with me out of nowhere and she gave me her reasons but they seemed like copout reasons to me and we were still talking and everything to try and work through everything and one day I looked through her messages even though I know I shouldn’t have. Well come to find out that she’s been talking to her ex again and not really telling me this time. At first it was him that initiated the texting and the calling by asking if they could talk on the phone and she did. Well there was one night that she asked if they could talk on the phone and that really bothered me because she wanted to talk to him. She told me once a couple of weeks ago he messaged her but she made it sound like once. It’s been going on for a couple of weeks since then and I saw that they talked on the phone a day or two before she broke up with me. I have a gut feeling that she might want to get back with him but didn’t want to tell me that. I have asked her multiple times if they talked recently and she says no but that’s making it worse because I know they have recently talked. We are still in a weird in between stage of trying to work through this maybe and I want to bring it up to her that I know they have been talking but I don’t want to drive her away. So should I tell her that I know or just trust what they talked about was nothing for me to worry about because she’s always been open with me about that.

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Victoria Gigante May 31, 2017 at 7:33 pm

Hi and thank you for sharing.

What I’m reading here is that this woman broke up with you, but eventually you both decided to try and work things out. However, you don’t really trust her so you checked her phone and as a result you see she’s still speaking to her ex behind your back (and lying about it). So my questions to you are these:

1. Do you trust this woman? If no, why would you want to be with her? (the fact that you checked her phone indicates trust is already an issue)
2. Are you OK being with someone that’s still deciding whether or not she wants to be with you (…or her ex)?
3. What would change if you confronted her about the phone? Do you think this would actually help the situation, or simply push her further away?
4. Are you afraid to be alone?

I ask these questions to get you to think and feel through the situation. Remember: You can’t force someone to want to be with you – and rejection can actually be a pretty amazing thing because it sets you free to find someone that truly wants to be with you. She might be the one – but she also might not be. Pay attention and trust yourself. You know the answer: What would you do if you weren’t afraid?

Victoria

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sortofsoso June 27, 2017 at 7:56 am

The woman I live with came home drunk after a work function, that probably ended at midnight, at 5 am and passed out in the bed. I looked at her phone, just opened it for ten seconds long enough to see her texting her female friend “I am drunk as f***, meet you at x’s house ( some guy she had sex with before we met) and then a picture with her and her friend and this guy behind her. I should not have looked at her phone but I do not trust this woman but was am hesitant to leave a person i have invested 10 years in. I regret being someone who would look at someone else’s phone but the cats out of the bag. What’s done is done, what now?

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Victoria Gigante July 3, 2017 at 7:52 pm

Thank you for sharing. I think if you re-read your paragraph to me, you’ll find the answer.

“I do not trust this woman.”

Are you staying with her because you love her, want to build a life with her, think she brings the best out in you, will have your back as you grow old…..?

Or are you staying with her because you are “…hesitant to leave a person [you’ve] invested 10 years in.”

Life is short. Trust yourself.

All the best,
Victoria

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Sasha July 3, 2017 at 9:16 am

Trust your guts? You should feel comfortable giving your cell phone on any given day to your significant other. If someone needs to look in your phone; you should not only be looking at their actions but yours as well. Question what you are doing or not doing.

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Victoria Gigante July 3, 2017 at 7:53 pm

Thank you for sharing, and yes I agree.

-Victoria

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Deema August 20, 2017 at 9:25 am

Hi Victoria,

I like your post and appreciate your responses to all comments.

I have lately checked on my bf’s phone, we have been together for 6 months, and we were in relationship after 3 months of him breaking up with his ex gf which gives me weird feelings about it because it’s just small period, and she was trying to get him back .. I found him sending her random messages in the first 3 months of our relationship which drove me crazy and he got also mad because I invaded his privacy.. my questions to you are :

1. How shall I deal with him sending his ex 3 months ago, in the beginning of our relationship?
2. How shall I respond to him and communicate my insecurities regarding that subject and the reason behind me checking his phone?

Thanks a lot for your help

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Victoria Gigante September 29, 2017 at 10:27 am

Hi, Deema.

My apologies for the delay in my response. I’m curious how your relationship has evolved since you wrote to me (?).

Regarding your two questions: The way you address your insecurities with him is by re-reading what you wrote to me and explaining it to him in the same direct manner. Your work is a) being clear with him but b) first being clear with your self. What parts of the situation are based on your own insecurities and what parts are real?

Here is a video I created on overcoming insecurities in your relationship: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w10887sFFJ4

I hope that helps! If you’d like to work together further on this you can always contact me directly through the “Work With Me” tab on the site.

Thanks and be well.

-Victoria

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Diego September 10, 2017 at 10:51 am

Hi Victoria,

I know it is a bit old now, but this was a helpful thread. I feel like I can guess some of your responses, but I want to go through it anyways.
I have been in a serious relationship for almost 3 years. We have moved in with each other and I have been planning a proposal up to this point. Everything has been great and I have had little to no reason to suspect or distrust her of anything.
She has a few guy friends from college that she keeps in touch with. One in particular she claims is one of her best friends and she texts him many times every day, not including numerous Snapchats. I was ok with it because I had met the guy and seen most of the messages and they all seemed harmless. I had pointed out it was odd how frequently they talked to each other given she talks to her other friends much less, but she says he is just the only one who texts back in a timely manner so the conversations keep flowing, which made sense to me.
Anyways one day we were hanging out and I noticed her texting him again while we were talking. She didn’t make any real effort to hide the message so I read over her shoulder. We each know each others passwords and everything and typically read messages this way and comment about it. Anyways the message indicates she will be staying with him over the weekend when she is in his City for work. I was curious at this point because she has not told me of this. So I waited and later before she actually left the house I asked her where she would be staying and she said with a girl friend of hers, who I also know, who also lives in that area.
Now my real concern begins. I think it would have been ok no matter where she was staying, but she persisted that it was not with this male friend, which strongly contradicts what I read when she was texting right next to me. At this point I feel really upset about it, but I ask if her phone would confirm what she says. Again she says it would but also gets defensive as I reach for her phone. When I start looking at it she gets quite upset, saying she didn’t think I was this kind of person, and shes right. I have never done this before and it felt awful, but in her phone was text proof that she was staying at his place, just the two of them, and that her girl friend she mentioned had no idea of this at all…
So I could have chose to trust her words as I always have, or follow my eyes and actually look into it for evidence. She insisted that I was overthinking and jumping to conclusions and saying she wasn’t making any of her story up until the very moment I was able to present her with undeniable proof that it was a fabrication.
Now I truly love her and have not known her to lie like that before, but how easily she lied to me and how persistently she fought for her lie and tried to make me look like the bad guy when I confronted her with the truth makes me wonder if she has ever lied like this in the past. My trust is indeed a bit compromised at this point. But I am having serious trouble believing she would actually cheat on me and that this relationship is not incredibly important to her. We have both discussed marriage and are on the same page. Even planning on buying a home together. Should I really let this one event compromise all that? Does this indicate something larger or just a moment of defensive stubbornness.

Thanks for your thoughts.

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Victoria Gigante September 30, 2017 at 8:01 pm

Hi, Diego,

Well, let’s be clear about one thing: You didn’t just randomly check her phone and violate her trust. You were sitting next to her and clearly read what was going on, and it sounds like this is normal behavior in your relationship. It’s awesome that you persisted and trusted what you read.

So the real issue is that she lied. Flat out. To your face. I’m curious what her response was when you showed her the evidence? Did she flip it on you? Did she own up to it?

Have you gotten to the root cause of the lie? I don’t understand how it could be stubbornness – in what way? It’s pretty straightforward – she lied about who she was staying with. Why? Especially since it doesn’t sound like there were ever any external indicators that would make her think she needed to. Which makes me curious what’s going on internally with her and/or between her and this guy?

So that’s the question: Why?

If you can’t get a truly solid and honest answer on that – one that you can wrap your head around, then I say tread very lightly on this one. Slow down. This isn’t a small behavior – and you sound like a level-headed guy. Trust your intuition. I’m not saying to end the relationship: I’m just getting you to trust the (difficult) facts: She lied to you. Why?

Rebuild the trust before you move forward. Or move on.

All the best,
Victoria

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Diego October 2, 2017 at 4:59 pm

Hi Victoria,

I will try and answer your questions in order:
When I confronted her with the truth I was very upset. She did not flip it on me. She began to cry and then spent a good while on the phone with her emergency go-to girl friend. I took a walk to let my mood simmer down for a bit.
A good while later, when we had calmed down and resumed the conversation, she owned up to it and apologized saying it was her fault and that she wasn’t entirely sure why she did it. She guessed that part of it was her thinking I would be uncomfortable with the arrangement. She said though it was selfish, she thought it might be easier to make up a story about it.
I told her to have more confidence in me. Even if I am uncomfortable, that in the end I trust her and that I didn’t think it was a good reason to lie, especially after I begin to push at the subject. The argument would not have escalated nearly as far if she came clean about it long before I forced the evidence upon her.
Her response to this is that she is very stubborn, and she is. She hates being told she is wrong, or in this case lying, even when she is. So she argued about it until I proved her wrong/lying.
I would not say there were no external indicators. I have made comments on how often they talk to each other. I am not 100% comfortable with how close they are, but it doesn’t bother me that much because I do trust her at least, so I tell myself I don’t need to trust him fully.

So she did give me a ‘why’, and while it makes sense to me to a degree, it is not entirely satisfying. But at the same time she recognizes that it was unacceptable and that she needs to work on things. I have my own insecurities to work on as well.

Obviously she didn’t make that trip and things have been good since, but the whole incident will stick in my mind for some time now.

Thanks again Victoria!

Cheers

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Victoria Gigante October 8, 2017 at 7:52 am

Hi, Diego.

Thank you for your update. Given the circumstances of the situation, it sounds like things went as good as they could. However, keep your eyes open. You mention that she didn’t go on the trip: Was the whole purpose of the trip for her to spend time with this guy?

Yes, you both have work to do in the relationship (we all do…). Your work is learning how to distinguish between your own insecurities and your intuition. This is a difficult task for anyone but definitely gets harder once there’s been a violation of trust.

People make mistakes and relationships are all about vulnerability, building and creating together, growing, etc. I encourage you to slow down and give things time to naturally unfold. Meaning, either you and your girlfriend are going to work together to move past this – or not. It can’t be a one-sided effort. Be patient and give things time before taking any big leaps…

All the best,
Victoria

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SK September 15, 2017 at 12:57 am

Love your post and I should have taken control from the beginning however didn’t and sm regretting this massively.

Where to start….. met a man and there was an instant attraction. He pretty much moved in straight away. A number of things happened to cause concern however being the trusting fool I am, I never looked too deeply into it. So in January after being abandoned in a local village, I noticed a tablet lying around so switched on and started looking for an indication as to what was going on. I’d been systematically ignored and then made to feel amazing when I was contacted which was very much messing me up. So emails were open and I looked – there was an email to a lady with a kiss as the title and then I stumbled on a working girl website that stated he’d received contacts and feedback. My heart sank. The man I idolised was sleeping with prostitutes, and they were leaving each other feedback about how good it was. I had no idea what to do so contacted through a fake account, explaining that if the truth wasn’t told then I would tell. Instantly he turned back into the man I’d met, apologised and said it was me he wanted and so on. I should have walked away then…. Stupidly I wanted this to work…. A couple of months went by and I started to notice that the phone was hidden at night time and that he was always on either whatsapp or Facebook. My curiosity got the better of me again and I worked out both phone and Facebook passwords – my shock and devastation at what I found was horrific. Again I should have been honest and said what I’d seen however I took the coward route and kept quiet. It has basically been eating me up since. I’m now being threatened with all sorts of things being called a stalker and so on as someone I trusted to confide in has betrayed me… ultimately I know that I’m a horrendous person for looking however I should have had the courage of my convictions initially and told him what I’d seen and knew. If only I could turn back time…

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Victoria Gigante September 30, 2017 at 8:06 pm

Thank you for sharing your story.

Stop looking back and start looking forward. Every moment offers the opportunity to start again. Find the people who love and support you and move on. You know the truth about who this man is. Stop questioning yourself.

If you’re choosing to stay, figure out why.

Above all, be safe.

All the best,
Victoria

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Cheryl November 3, 2017 at 4:27 pm

Hi Victoria, I am trying to help my 20 year old son, navigate through a situation with his girlfriend of 9 months. They met in college, and from the start, my husband and I adore her. She is so sweet and treats my son in such a gentle and loving manner, that we can hardly believe that this happened. To explain, my son received a random “direct message” from a guy who says he wants to talk to him, and that its about his girlfriend. My son, didn’t reply, and kind of forgot about the message. The next night, while he and his girlfriend were doing homework together at her place, her phone starts blowing up. She was seriously annoyed with the person trying to contact her and told my son that its this crazy guy she has been trying to get to leave her alone. My son offered to talk to him, (kind of scare him off) for her, and she adamantly said “No” please don’t, he’s crazy, I will handle it”… Not long after that, the crazy guy shows up to her house and starts telling my son that she has been cheating on him and that he has proof in his phone. According to my son, he saw a side of his girlfriend that he had never seen in the last 9 months, she nearly lost her mind screaming at the guy to leave, etc. in other words, she went “ape s*@t”. The guy left and when my son tried to talk to her about it, all she would say was, “he’s crazy, don’t believe him”… and the kicker… “Please don’t talk to him about it”. My son asked, why? and her response was, “he’s just crazy.”

Now, my son is completely blind-sided by something he never had experienced with this girl. She is asking him to just trust her, and that she is being fully honest, there has never been anything with this crazy guy; and that, he’s just crazy.

My husband and I both feel that this is an unfair request for my son to not seek the truth. In fact, according to my son, this aspect of the situation, i.e. her making him promise not to go to the guy, is worse than the idea of her having cheated, or whatever it is she is being accused of.

We encouraged him to wait a day, and then talk to her again, about his own feelings in this situation, and how this creates a huge trust issue overall. My son struggles because, in looking at the past 9 months, she has been the “perfect” girlfriend. They are both so broken up about the whole thing. Can you lend me any advice to tell my son? He is such a kindhearted young man, he really does want to trust her, but his gut feeling, and the crazy talk from the guy, are making it extremely difficult. Even after pleading with her, laying his feelings out on the table, and giving her a gentle ultimatum (let me talk to the guy or we can’t be), she is still sticking to her guns. Except, she asked him to let her come up with evidence that she has never done anything.

Please advise, as much as he has tried to get her to understand his perspective, she is having trouble not understanding why he doesn’t trust her… after 9 months of being together…

Any suggestions would be great. Thanks~

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Victoria Gigante November 3, 2017 at 6:44 pm

Hi, Cheryl.

Thank you for sharing; I understand that these types of situations are complicated. It’s difficult to guide you without knowing your son – but I will do my best.

Your son is 20 years old. I don’t know anything about his dating experience or personality. I do know, however, that at any age – it’s tough to think clearly when you’re in love, feel blindsided, etc. You have the opportunity to be a balanced voice in his ear since he obviously speaks to you about what’s going on. If you’re going to be his sounding board, I encourage you to keep your own emotions out of it as best as you can – to remain a safe space for support.

Instead, when considering how to approach your son, I encourage you to think about the lessons that you want him to take with him moving forward in his life. For example, when I read what you’ve written I hear three very key points that I would want to address with him:

1. Trusting his gut. This is a tool that will be useful for him in any situation in life. It’s important for him to be able to differentiate between head, heart, and gut. In this particular situation, his head is raising the alarm, his gut is confirming there is an issue – but it’s his heart that’s tugging in the other direction. We cannot be ruled by our emotions. While they are definitely important to acknowledge (and there are times even when we can act on them!) – in matters of red flags, I’d encourage him to be cautious. In life (and love), sometimes we have to make tough decisions that don’t necessarily “feel good.” But that’s ok. That’s part of life. We can’t avoid that (although many people try to…). So trust his gut – that’s something I’d encourage him to consider – especially since he’s sensing something related to trust in the relationship.

*** Of course, I don’t know your son though. Is he an alarmist? Jealous type? Territorial in love? I doubt it, but if he is, this could make him over-reactive. I don’t sense that from what you’ve written but it is worth mentioning.

2. He’s been in the “perfect” relationship for 9 months. As his mother, draw on the experience you have in life and love. While 9 months may feel like a long time – and while he may THINK he knows everything about his girlfriend after that amazing honeymoon period – in the grand scheme of life, it’s not very long at all. In fact, some say you don’t really know a person until you’ve dated them for… a year? 3 years? Whatever it is… it’s longer than 9 months. I recognize that this is not something that’s easy to understand when you’re in love but it is the reality of life. They are still getting to know each other. So while it’s unfortunate that these issues are revealing themselves after such an amazing period of time together:

a) It actually hasn’t been that long, and
b) Better now than later…

3. Trust is the cornerstone of a relationship. Does he believe he will ever trust her again? He may need time to figure this one out. But emphasizing how important and critical trust is when building the foundation of the relationship is important.

In addition, what I’d be asking your son are questions like this:

1. Who is this guy and why hasn’t your son known about him – regardless of the current situation? That in itself can feel like a violation of trust and/or poor communication. This “crazy man” didn’t just manifest out of nowhere – which means there’s a backstory. Has he gotten to the bottom of what that story is? Even if it isn’t cheating – it’s something. What? If his girlfriend could explain the details, it might help.

2. What kind of evidence can she produce to show she hasn’t been cheating? Can he trust that?

One final point to mention: Relationships go through ups and downs. Things like this (and many other things) come up (as I’m sure you know). So one last important point for your son to consider is how his girlfriend is handling the situation. Relationships can (and must!) go through dark times – but it will never survive if both aren’t continuously working to improve it. How his girlfriend is handling (or not handling) the situation is just as important to consider as the truth behind the “crazy man.” Is this someone he can build a life with?

Ok – I guess I had a lot of thoughts on this one – I hope they help! I do my best work speaking with people and getting to know them, but I hope these points help give you some clarity on next steps.

Warm Regards,
Victoria

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Cheryl November 4, 2017 at 3:14 pm

Thank you Victoria for your reply. The information has been very helpful and affirming to the process we have already started.

Just to answer a few quick questions, as far as his relationship history, there have only been a few. The most recent was a girl in high school, who my husband and I knew from the beginning was probably not a good fit (although kept our opinions to ourselves). A friend told him that she had been cheating on him. He spoke with the guy, who didn’t know she was in a relationship. He confirmed it. My son broke up with her, and for two months after, she continued to deny, deny, deny, until finally (not even sure why), she caved and admitted it. She at that point had moved on to another.

My son has brought this up to me, and it raises concerns as it took the last one two months to admit it, even with proof.

As far as my son’s personality is concerned, you’re correct, he is not an alarmist and I do not believe he is the jealous-type. I think that this is partly why this is so difficult for him to grasp and make necessary choices. He would say that she has never given him any reason to not trust her. But part of his mind, gut and heart still replays the last situation with his ex from high school. I did tell him that although that was something to learn from, that he cannot hold his current girlfriend accountable for the sins of his previous.

Its been a few days since the blow up, and things are calming down. He is taking a step back for a few days, and has made plans to talk with her again tomorrow night. She did tell him that she thinks that when he is ready to talk, that she can help ease his mind. She also told him that she has really been thinking about what he is saying and really wants this relationship to work out.

My husband and I have talked about, what appears to be a control-type issue on her part. Is this something we should be concerned with and talk to him about? The fact that she has made him promise not to get in touch with the crazy guy is really tearing my son apart. He told me last night that she asked him to keep this situation to himself, she knows he has talked to my husband and I. He has talked to a few close friends as well. Do you think this is an unhealthy type of control or just a wise reminder that if things work out, you don’t want the people around you to have ill-feelings, etc.?

I do plan on continuing to support him, encourage him and help him to learn and grow from this situation. I will definitely hit on the key points you have outlined.

Thanks again,

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Victoria Gigante November 4, 2017 at 7:49 pm

Hi, Cheryl.

I appreciate you sharing more insight. To answer your question about control: What I’d be most concerned about is what seems to be her overall disregard for your son’s needs in this situation – the need for transparency – more information – support. That’s what’s concerning. She’s taking a very defensive stance on the entire situation and seems to be using a slightly manipulative tactic to keep things under her control – yes. It definitely raises a red flag. If there is such great trust between them (according to her…) – and if she has nothing to hide – why can’t she: a) trust your son to confide in people he knows won’t judge the situation and b) trust your son to get more information. At the very least, if she didn’t want your son doing either of those things then it’s extremely important that she produce that evidence (or be open about the backstory) immediately. What’s the backstory and why hasn’t that been shared with your son? Why has it taken so long for her to get proof that she hasn’t cheated? Your son is left to spiral in his thoughts, stew in his emotions, and draw his own conclusions. Perhaps it’s just a lack of maturity on her part – but still, it’s definitely putting your son in a very difficult situation. Every day that goes by is going to make things more and more difficult for them both.

Do I think it a wise reminder that if things work out, you don’t want the people around you to have ill-feelings, etc.? No. Because she isn’t being upfront. Meaning, in a mature relationship with open communication it would never have gotten to this point – because your son would be confiding in HER. But she’s shut down and become defensive. As humans, we need to process things. It sounds like your son is choosing wisely with whom he shares this with (that is something you can remind him, for sure). We definitely don’t want him telling the world about his problems. But having a close support network that he trusts is healthy. That’s just good practice in life, in general.

Hope that helps…!

Victoria

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Christopher November 4, 2017 at 10:22 pm

I started dating my current girlfriend about 6 months ago. All was fine and felt complete trust in her up until last month. It started with her going out for two weeks straight with work friends. She would always call me when she got home and nothing seemed odd. I trusted her and know that she has a very large social circle. We only see each other on the weekends and 1 weekend the sex seemed off. We typically gazed into each others eyes while making love and I could feel the passion between us. That weekend she all of a sudden seemed like she was uncomfortable holding eye contact. She would look away and or close her eyes. It seemed like she was avoiding eye contact. The following week she went out 3 times in one week which isn’t typical behavior. I called her the day I was planning to visit and it took her 3 hours to respond to me, saying she was in the bathroom and didn’t hear the phone go off. Then when she got out she didn’t notice I called. Which is not at all typical of her and not sure how she didn’t hear the phone. Then she text me a few times persistent on finding out whether or not I was going over that night. When I showed up that weekend I could feel the disconnect through our interactions with each other. She was off and it was more than obvious. I live a good distance from her and I showed up a lot earlier than I let on that I would. I sent her a text stating I was on my way. As a surprise type thing, but she seemed panicked, door wasn’t unlocked like it usually is and she was sweating like she was just running around the house before she came to the door. It took her a couple of minutes to answer the door which has never happened and she wasn’t all lovey dovey like she usually is. She said she was blow drying her hair because she just got out of the shower. Not sure I believe that. That entire day she was hardly intimate outside of cuddling and she kept saying she wasn’t in the mood when I would make advances. She also seemed to be cutting all of the kissing short. She was bothered by a new position I was taking at work, so I understand how she might have been upset. When we went to sleep that night she didn’t snuggle in like she usually would. She laid on her back and I couldn’t let my mind rest. Eventually I got up, went into the other room, she followed and we discussed how I was feeling a major disconnect and she assured me that everything was fine, how she wants this forever and that she was only upset because she felt my new job was going to put our relationship on hold and prevent me from moving in sooner. That is a topic we discussed as soon as I showed up though. We ended up making love that night and she felt different and I can’t tell if she was extremely horny or what, but she did feel different than what I am used to. Since then I can’t help, but feel like I have been cheated on… She is constantly telling me how she wants this forever and we’re going to be so good and we’ve got this baby talk… Then we got into a deep discussion of me moving in. I told her I could ask for a lay off, collect and find work near her in a few weeks time. Then she started reminding me why I took the position, said it doesn’t have to happen this week, next week, but was hoping for at least by the start of the new year. It seems like I called her bluff and now she is backing off. If she was so hurt by me not moving in then why would she make a comment like we can talk about this later as soon as it started to become a reality… My gut is telling me not to trust her, to end it and let go of everything I saw for the two of us as a future. I know the mind and gut can play tricks on you when you’re feeling insecure or taking next steps in the relationship. I also understand how you can see things for more than what they are during this time as well. The problem is I simply do not know how to bring up this discussion because I feel like I lost my opportunity to find out if she is lying by waiting such a long time to talk about it in detail. It is sad that I am starting to feel like the only resolution for my dilemma is breaking up. I now find myself focusing on what she is saying, how she is acting and how she is speaking instead of getting lost in her eyes and enjoying the moments I spend with her.

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Victoria Gigante November 5, 2017 at 7:18 pm

Hi, Christopher.

Thank you for sharing the details of your situation. From what you’ve written, it sounds like you are a pretty intuitive person. Regardless of the reasons why – the bottom line is that there has been a change in your girlfriend’s behavior and that you don’t like it. Can you address your concerns and potential insecurities with her? Why does it feel too late? It’s never too late to address your concerns – and in fact, you must. Nothing positive will come from you bottling up what you’re feeling – and you don’t want to be with someone that makes you feel like you have to.

I encourage you to read/watch this and follow the steps I’ve outlined: http://www.victoriagigante.com/how-do-i-overcome-insecurity-in-my-relationship/

Before you speak with her, I encourage you to sit down and get clear with your Self. Let’s suppose she ISN’T cheating – or claims not to be – how do you feel about this new side of your girlfriend? Is this the person you can see building a life with? 6 months feels long – but the truth is that you’re still getting to know each other. If this is just part of who she is – how do you feel about that?

Be slow to make drastic changes in your life to make this work – and remember that actions speak louder than words. Your girlfriend’s words don’t seem to be aligning with her actions and that’s cause for concern (and at least a good enough reason to slow down for a minute and breathe).

Trust your self and don’t act out of fear.

Victoria

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Victoria Gigante February 21, 2014 at 4:37 pm

Ora,

I appreciate you sharing your perspective. I’m sure there will be many readers that resonate with your thoughts.

Sending Peace + Calm,
Victoria

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Victoria Gigante March 26, 2014 at 1:23 pm

Interesting Kyle. I appreciate your perspective. Acting as if men don’t have emotions? No. Let’s agree to disagree. There’s way too much to write to explain why I disagree, and honestly – it has nothing to do with your question.

Check out my recent post: How to overcome insecurity in your relationship
http://www.victoriagigante.com/how-do-i-overcome-insecurity-in-my-relationship/

The trigger in your situation is the fact that she has all of these male friends. When she spends time with these guys, what fears come up? Step 4: COMMUNICATE. This is where you need to focus. Move forward from there.

Sending Peace & Calm,
Victoria

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Victoria Gigante October 10, 2014 at 6:48 am

Hi Cross,

Interesting perspective. Thank you for sharing. I’m definitely NOT a feminist, but appreciate you taking the time to share your point of view.

Sending Peace & Calm,
Victoria

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matt November 2, 2014 at 8:04 pm

my girlfriend messages between me and my ex. They were innocent she just needed something back from me that she left at my house. I took my girlfriend with me to drop it off so that she wouldn’t think I was going over there for any other reason. she has been suspicious person out everybody she meets. There was one other thing that was last at my house about a month after I dropped off the first thing
I got a text asking to drop off the rest. me and my girlfriend got in a huge fight because I didn’t tell her they had received a text from my ex I didn’t feel it was important enough to tell her it was just about some screws to a playpen she had left at my house. another two months goes by and I got one text from my ex. I told her to my girlfriend was living with me and she need to stop texting me I erased those messages hoping that would be it and I never heard from her again. my girlfriend was mad at me and went through my phone again and found that I had erased those messages in the history. and now she says I lied and she can’t trust me. I think this will be the beginning of us breaking up. was I wrong to erase the messages or is she over reacting? Also we have only been in this relationship for 3 months. I thought it was strange that she was suspicious this early on I feel like trust was broken when she went through my phone and instead of getting mad and throwing a fit I feel she could have approached me in a much nicer way and I would have been fine with explaining it. I guess it doesn’t matter even though I told her the truth she does not believe that that is the truth I don’t know how to convince her otherwise or if I even should

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Victoria Gigante November 6, 2014 at 6:34 pm

Matt,

Thank you for sharing a bit about your story. There are a few things t